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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
Ascubudr · 04/12/2023 18:08

itsallabitofamystery · 04/12/2023 16:52

Perhaps there's a reason they can't leave her at home, something that they haven't disclosed to you? Perhaps she doesn't like to be left. She might be anxious. There might be safeguarding concerns such as self harm or mental health problems. Speaking from a mum who once went through this. I told only those who really needed to know. I didn't want to tell all my friends that my 15yo couldn't be left as they might harm themselves - even though from the outside you wouldn't think there was anything "wrong". Sometimes there are reasons children can't be left, no matter how old they're getting or how boring it may seem.

This, added to raiding the drinks cabinet, having sex in your bed. Teens left home alone get up to all sorts and you really can't get a babysitter for them. I would assume there is a good reason they are bringing her along tbh.

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 18:36

tara66 · 04/12/2023 17:01

Perhaps friends actually bring DD because they don't want to hear all the stuff you ''can't say in front of 15 year old''?! What is it exactly she is not supposed to hear?

How ridiculous. If they were offended by the conversations op and her oh were having, they’d just not arrange social events with them, wouldn’t they? Being adults and all. I know that’s what I’d do, if someone I didn’t like taking to, invited me to dinner. I’d certainly not take my kids along as a buffer.

This thread has been a real eye opener in terms of where people see their children in their lives. I adore my kids - ranging from teenager to 7 years old. I am, however, a human being that exists separately to being a parent. I do not want my kids around all the time. I thought that was normal?!

Im not busy taking about blow jobs when we’ve got friends over but I will be talking about stuff that’s got nothing to do with my friends’ children. Again, I thought that was normal.

Im flabbergasted that people take their kids along to their social events and expect them to be included. So odd.

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 18:39

Ascubudr · 04/12/2023 18:08

This, added to raiding the drinks cabinet, having sex in your bed. Teens left home alone get up to all sorts and you really can't get a babysitter for them. I would assume there is a good reason they are bringing her along tbh.

Show quote history

These people are close friends of op though? Surely you’d say - ‘X is being a bit of a handful at the moment and we’d rather not leave her alone. I know we’re supposed to come to you but why don’t you come to our place again so she can be in her own space (and not at the table with the adults)’…

randomstress · 04/12/2023 18:44

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

I love teens. Enough that my pair have a nicely set up room to play games, records and generally chill out.
It isn't being intolerant to suggest that their presence changes adult conversations.

easylikeasundaymorn · 04/12/2023 18:46

Jewnicorn · 04/12/2023 15:08

I’m coming at this from the opposite perspective as I have that 15 year old and I’m honestly really struggling with it. I feel like I can’t talk to my friends anymore without her being there, chipping in and making it so I can’t talk freely (or unload about the pressures of having teenagers). She also tends to monopolise the conversation and more than once I’ve had to pull her to one side and tell her that while I will happily listen to all of her friendship dramas, my friends
dont necessarily know who shes
talking about or find that interesting. Anyway there’s a chance your friends are struggling too but, like me, don’t know what to do about it as 15 year olds SO easily feel rejected. Any chance you can sound your friends out without outright saying you don’t want her there?

Why on earth don't you just tell her to go away! You can say it nicely but tbh a 15 year old who feels rejected because her mum wants to have a private conversation needs to build up a bit of resilience. No wonder people moan about kids today being so entitled and useless if 'Can you go upstairs now please, shout if you need anything,' will hurt their feelings! Presumably you don't hang out with her when she has friends over, so just explain that the same applies, there doesn't have to be any rejecting at all, just outlining basic social norms.

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 18:54

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 18:39

These people are close friends of op though? Surely you’d say - ‘X is being a bit of a handful at the moment and we’d rather not leave her alone. I know we’re supposed to come to you but why don’t you come to our place again so she can be in her own space (and not at the table with the adults)’…

Show quote history

Exactly. I'm sure we've all had situations where our children (of any age!) have meant a change of plans or some other accommodation is needed. A conversation with friends would be enough to explain.

Orangeandgold · 04/12/2023 18:57

I think it is very difficult to make an excuse for a “childfree catch up” when your son is also at home.

I completely understand how your son must feel as my daughter was gutted when a few of her cousins “became teens” and were less vocal, didn’t play and spent most of the time on their phone.

However it also sounds like your friend hasn’t necessarily created boundaries between her and her DD. As a mum, I always ask if it’s child friendly or of there will be other children around - I then make the decision to bring my daughter or not and if she is being clingy I escort her to where the other children are. She can sit there on her own if she likes but sometimes adults need to talk - and it’s not always about sex or relationships like everyone else thinks - but you don’t pour out your life in front of your children. At least I don’t anyway!

Maybe ask your friend if she is keen to do a child free event sometime. This might mean having to do it somewhere else as others suggested

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 19:01

@Splety The teens are not friends of their mums friends.

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 19:04

I think it is very difficult to make an excuse for a “childfree catch up” when your son is also at home.

I think OP having her young child at home in another room (what with him living there) is very different to a guest bringing their teenage child and joining in the evening.

Do people really pack their own kids off for the evening if they invite friends over for an adult meal? Surely you just send them elsewhere.

When we take it in turn to host our book club our own children are in our homes but they don't do more than say hello, have a little chat, pinch a bit of food and then scuttle off.

cakewench · 04/12/2023 19:09

I'm in the 'wait it out' camp. This won't happen forever, and it's sort of a grin and bear it if they're otherwise your closest friends.

TBH We've enjoyed our DS and his friends growing into this age group. They still linger around us quite a bit but we do shoo them off from time to time.

Feeding them extra food is a given btw, just wait til your 7yo hits his teens. 😆

Ascubudr · 04/12/2023 19:16

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 18:39

These people are close friends of op though? Surely you’d say - ‘X is being a bit of a handful at the moment and we’d rather not leave her alone. I know we’re supposed to come to you but why don’t you come to our place again so she can be in her own space (and not at the table with the adults)’…

Show quote history

Well yes and no. Sometimes it's a bit last minute ( teenage heart break, discovery of contraband, mental health crisis etc. Also does the OP then bring the 7yo till after his bedtime ? Put him to bed at the friends house ? It's tricky, unfortunately relaxed evenings with friends are difficult when you have 12-16yos. Perhaps we were lucky that for us this was nostly in Covid.

Mumto2kids86 · 04/12/2023 19:18

You can only suggest that if you’re willing to not bring your child too. You can’t just suggest they don’t bring her because you don’t like her.

JackGrealishsCalves · 04/12/2023 19:23

At 15 I'm amazed she wants to come. I'd have left ds at home when i did this.
Assuming they don't stay overnight are they just forcing her to come? No wonder she's bloody miserable

AppropriateAdult · 04/12/2023 21:20

"I've been meaning to say to you, Sandra - I hope Lucy doesn't feel obliged to come over when you visit, I know she's at the age when hanging out with her parents' friends is probably the most boring thing on the world - we always love seeing her but if she's happier staying at home for the evening we won't be at all offended."

You'd have to get the tone exactly right, of course, but I think you could convey some version of the above without causing any offence.

WoollyRosebud · 04/12/2023 21:39

Try not to appear unwelcoming to the teenager.

I can remember as a teenager going with my parents to friends of theirs for dinner. The wife made it absolutely clear to me that I had not been expected or invited. Another of the dinner guests was kind to me and chatted for a bit but I spent a miserable evening. This was over 40 years ago and the memory is still clear. Admittedly I was a very shy teenager and terribly fussy feeder so can’t have been a barrel of laughs to have there.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 21:51

WoollyRosebud · 04/12/2023 21:39

Try not to appear unwelcoming to the teenager.

I can remember as a teenager going with my parents to friends of theirs for dinner. The wife made it absolutely clear to me that I had not been expected or invited. Another of the dinner guests was kind to me and chatted for a bit but I spent a miserable evening. This was over 40 years ago and the memory is still clear. Admittedly I was a very shy teenager and terribly fussy feeder so can’t have been a barrel of laughs to have there.

Can you remember why you went @WoollyRosebud ?

Findinganewme · 04/12/2023 21:55

  1. your friends 15 year old shouldn’t be responsible for playing with / entertaining your 7 year old.

  2. she is part of the package for your friend.

  3. what is the actual issue - she’s not being problematic really, is she? Is it that she’s eating the food? That’s part of hosting…

WoollyRosebud · 04/12/2023 21:59

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 21:51

Can you remember why you went @WoollyRosebud ?

Show quote history

I was too young to be left alone but too old to have a babysitter I would imagine. Probably slightly younger than 15 however.

WulyJmpr · 04/12/2023 22:02

15 is fine to be taking part in political conversations. Perhaps you're worried in case she knows more than you?

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 22:06

WulyJmpr · 04/12/2023 22:02

15 is fine to be taking part in political conversations. Perhaps you're worried in case she knows more than you?

yes.

that'll be it.

well done.

HaveToHaveTheLastWord · 04/12/2023 22:07

What's wrong with you that you feel the need to make a character assassination of a 15 year old child on a public forum? How vile! 🙄

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 22:43

It’s the parents fault though. What on earth were your parents thinking Woolley? It’s never been ok to bring your child to an adult dinner party I’m nearly 50 and my parents were extremely sociable and had and went to numerous dinner parties - this NEVER happened it would have been weird.

Linning · 04/12/2023 22:50

invite them to a child-free night every once in a while (at a time where your own kid is already in bed) and maybe stop filtering yourself around her kid, so if the parents are uncomfortable about the topics brought up around their daughter they will just stop bringing her along? And when she does come have a set up with snacks, drinks and the TV in a different room for her to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Personally I was at the adult table at a very young age due to being the only girl (only male cousins etc…) and at no point where talks filtered around me, especially as a teenager. But I am French so you do grow up hearing talks about politics, world issues, personal crisis, death, etc… even sex jokes were still very much narrated around me, and I can still vividly remember the first time I started grasping them. Honestly I did enjoy being at the adult table, hearing about all those topics, and I am actually grateful my relatives and their friends never ever felt the need to shelter me from the world and what’s going on in it and adult humor. I think maybe the people who filter themselves out around a teenager who probably already has an understanding of what’s happening in the world (what kind of political stuff or worldwide issues will you be discussing that a 15 yo won’t have access to through school or social media/watching the news?) and of things like sex and intimacy and could also likely bring a very interesting perspective on the pressure put on the youth in a bunch of areas are the ones ruining their own fun.

I personally think there are very few things 15 yo aren’t aware of or can’t find out by themselves online for you to need to filter yourself around them.

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 23:29

Linning · 04/12/2023 22:50

invite them to a child-free night every once in a while (at a time where your own kid is already in bed) and maybe stop filtering yourself around her kid, so if the parents are uncomfortable about the topics brought up around their daughter they will just stop bringing her along? And when she does come have a set up with snacks, drinks and the TV in a different room for her to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Personally I was at the adult table at a very young age due to being the only girl (only male cousins etc…) and at no point where talks filtered around me, especially as a teenager. But I am French so you do grow up hearing talks about politics, world issues, personal crisis, death, etc… even sex jokes were still very much narrated around me, and I can still vividly remember the first time I started grasping them. Honestly I did enjoy being at the adult table, hearing about all those topics, and I am actually grateful my relatives and their friends never ever felt the need to shelter me from the world and what’s going on in it and adult humor. I think maybe the people who filter themselves out around a teenager who probably already has an understanding of what’s happening in the world (what kind of political stuff or worldwide issues will you be discussing that a 15 yo won’t have access to through school or social media/watching the news?) and of things like sex and intimacy and could also likely bring a very interesting perspective on the pressure put on the youth in a bunch of areas are the ones ruining their own fun.

I personally think there are very few things 15 yo aren’t aware of or can’t find out by themselves online for you to need to filter yourself around them.

And what about the stuff that is simply none of that child’s business? Stuff that one just doesn’t want a friend’s child to know? Do you never have conversations with your adult friends about things that just don’t concern your teenage offspring? Like a pp mentioned previously - a cancer scare, problems with elderly parents, job worries, issues with the children themselves…

Im finding this idea that as a parent, there can be nothing you would want to discuss that doesn’t include your child, utter madness!

Linning · 04/12/2023 23:35

SwingTheMonkey · 04/12/2023 23:29

And what about the stuff that is simply none of that child’s business? Stuff that one just doesn’t want a friend’s child to know? Do you never have conversations with your adult friends about things that just don’t concern your teenage offspring? Like a pp mentioned previously - a cancer scare, problems with elderly parents, job worries, issues with the children themselves…

Im finding this idea that as a parent, there can be nothing you would want to discuss that doesn’t include your child, utter madness!

Show quote history

I don’t only chat with my friend on the odd night out we are surrounded around a bottle of wine/dinner. If there are things I wanted to discuss like a cancer scare or otherwise I would likely discuss it either via text or on the phone or organize a personal meet up with my friend without my teenager in tow, in a house where no 7yo could overhear.

I find it more strange the suggestion that these dinners (which I am sure aren’t regular occurrences) are the only time the adults actually ever get to talk. So no, I wouldn’t talk about the problems I have with my 15yo when she is present but I am sure I would have had the possibility to discuss those issues with my friends before or after dinner, if I truly needed their opinion, and wouldn’t feel at all filtered by not being able to bring it up at the dinner table.