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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
Verbena17 · 04/12/2023 16:08

Hi @Parentslife First thing I thought of is that perhaps the girl has additional needs and so that’s why her parents bring her/she wants to sit with you.

Not necessarily but possibly.

Does the family stay the night at your’s? If not, instead of having them all round to you for food etc, why don’t you just invite the parents for dinner out? If they say no, say you can’t do a night at your’s this time.

Do they ever have you over to their house? If not how come?

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 16:09

Get a babysitter for your son next time you go to their house.

Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:11

Verbena17 · 04/12/2023 16:08

Hi @Parentslife First thing I thought of is that perhaps the girl has additional needs and so that’s why her parents bring her/she wants to sit with you.

Not necessarily but possibly.

Does the family stay the night at your’s? If not, instead of having them all round to you for food etc, why don’t you just invite the parents for dinner out? If they say no, say you can’t do a night at your’s this time.

Do they ever have you over to their house? If not how come?

So we always go to theirs because it works better but it’s genuinely our turn to have them over.
The girl doesn’t have special needs, she’s a lovely bright girl and we like her!
Their home is only a few streets away from ours.

OP posts:
Monwmum · 04/12/2023 16:13

Tricky one but my suggestion would be that you ask your friends if their daughter would like to bring a friend next time? That she must get bored sitting with us old people so why doesn't she bring a friend and they can watch TV etc while you have your evening? You can then do easier food for the young ones too?

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2023 16:14

The only way is to arrange to go out to the pub, without the kids. You can't deny her child into your home, when your son is there. If she's hogging food stop using platters, and serve everyone plates. So the foods in your control.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2023 16:16

Ah - if you always take your 7 yr old with you when invited to theirs - I wonder if they're trying to hint - don't?

Original poster
Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:19

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2023 16:14

The only way is to arrange to go out to the pub, without the kids. You can't deny her child into your home, when your son is there. If she's hogging food stop using platters, and serve everyone plates. So the foods in your control.

Ooo good idea with the plates and yes I think the pub will be the next suggestion

OP posts:
Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 16:20

I’ve gone through a few pages and gave up as it got all a bit same-sy. I must be the odd one, to me bringing a 15 year old to an adult gathering is weird. Wanting to go to a grown up hangabout at 15 is also weird to me. At this age, if my mum said she was going out to chat to friends I’d be thanking all gods above for some time to myself at home. Even at my grandparents house I was expected to bugger off for a bit so my mum and grandmother could chat over a cuppa at that age.

I’d definitely be irritated if I’d invited friends over and their teen was sat around ‘learning social rules’ or whatever else their parents had convinced themselves they were doing. They’d probably not be invited back, then there would be AIBU threads about ‘why are my friends meeting up without me and my precious social butterfly of a teen 🥺🥺’.

spriots · 04/12/2023 16:24

@Nonoatchristmas I agree with you but there are so many posters on here who won't leave their children on their own even when they are teenagers that I kind of assumed the OP's friends were just like that

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 16:27

Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 16:20

I’ve gone through a few pages and gave up as it got all a bit same-sy. I must be the odd one, to me bringing a 15 year old to an adult gathering is weird. Wanting to go to a grown up hangabout at 15 is also weird to me. At this age, if my mum said she was going out to chat to friends I’d be thanking all gods above for some time to myself at home. Even at my grandparents house I was expected to bugger off for a bit so my mum and grandmother could chat over a cuppa at that age.

I’d definitely be irritated if I’d invited friends over and their teen was sat around ‘learning social rules’ or whatever else their parents had convinced themselves they were doing. They’d probably not be invited back, then there would be AIBU threads about ‘why are my friends meeting up without me and my precious social butterfly of a teen 🥺🥺’.

No, I think most posters agree with you. The ones that don't are just a bit louder and IMO, their unconventional ideas of what is appropriate jump out a bit more.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 04/12/2023 16:28

Can’t have an adult conversation in front of a 15 year old? What in earth are you taking about in which case you shouldn’t be talking about it when kids are around inc you own anyway.

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 16:31

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 04/12/2023 16:28

Can’t have an adult conversation in front of a 15 year old? What in earth are you taking about in which case you shouldn’t be talking about it when kids are around inc you own anyway.

oh stop talking guff

HamBone · 04/12/2023 16:31

I agree with PP’s that you’ll just have to wait this out, OP, surely she’s going to stop coming along in a couple of years.

Like others, I’m wondering whether her parents won’t leave her home alone yet , even though they live nearby. My teenagers wouldn’t come along in that situation but we were comfortable with leaving them for an evening since about 13, they’re perfectly fine.

OVienna · 04/12/2023 16:35

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 04/12/2023 16:28

Can’t have an adult conversation in front of a 15 year old? What in earth are you taking about in which case you shouldn’t be talking about it when kids are around inc you own anyway.

It doesn't actually matter. The OP is entitled to time alone with her friends. And I don't mean to pick on you - others have posted similar.

The only bit that would be very unreasonable on the part of the OP in this situation is if she always brings her 7 year old to the friends, maybe to avoid paying for babysitting etc. Even if the child isn't hanging out with the adults, I can see how it would grate to have one rule for one, and one for another (although I can't see why the teen would be keen to attend.)

But OP hasn't said whether there's a safety thing going on here, we don't know how far away the family lives, etc. Not clear on any possible extenuating factors.

OVienna · 04/12/2023 16:35

I didn't see they live near, sorry @Parentslife

pastaandpesto · 04/12/2023 16:36

Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 16:20

I’ve gone through a few pages and gave up as it got all a bit same-sy. I must be the odd one, to me bringing a 15 year old to an adult gathering is weird. Wanting to go to a grown up hangabout at 15 is also weird to me. At this age, if my mum said she was going out to chat to friends I’d be thanking all gods above for some time to myself at home. Even at my grandparents house I was expected to bugger off for a bit so my mum and grandmother could chat over a cuppa at that age.

I’d definitely be irritated if I’d invited friends over and their teen was sat around ‘learning social rules’ or whatever else their parents had convinced themselves they were doing. They’d probably not be invited back, then there would be AIBU threads about ‘why are my friends meeting up without me and my precious social butterfly of a teen 🥺🥺’.

It's not just you! I find it gobsmacking that so may posters won't admit that having children and teenagers hanging around means that their parents can't chat freely. Of course, it can be great fun hanging out with teens and adults together, bit it is not in the least bit the same. Some examples of topics that I would want to talk to my friends about but categorically not my or their teenagers -

  • a recent cancer scare
  • worries and frustrations about my aging parent (their grandparent)
  • concern about my job security
  • coping with my DC's mental health issues
  • .... the list goes on

Am I supposed to not talk about things which I really, really would value my friends' support with, so that a teenager can learn a lesson in how to socialise?

When we have adult friends over, my teens and tweens will often join us for a drink and a chat, but I absolutely expect them to allow the adults to have time alone and will tell them in no uncertain terms to piss off if they hang about too long. Or suggest that next time they have their friends over, I'll insist on joining in.

HamBone · 04/12/2023 16:36

Re. Adult conversations. Of course it changes the dynamic when children are there. I met up with some old friends a few weeks ago and two were with their DC’s (18 and 10) as they were visiting grandparents. It completely changed the conversation- but as soon as the older one took the younger child outside to the play area, one friend started confiding all sorts of worries to us, she was clearly waiting to tell us and get our advice, but felt she couldn’t in front of the children.

OVienna · 04/12/2023 16:37

pastaandpesto · 04/12/2023 16:36

It's not just you! I find it gobsmacking that so may posters won't admit that having children and teenagers hanging around means that their parents can't chat freely. Of course, it can be great fun hanging out with teens and adults together, bit it is not in the least bit the same. Some examples of topics that I would want to talk to my friends about but categorically not my or their teenagers -

  • a recent cancer scare
  • worries and frustrations about my aging parent (their grandparent)
  • concern about my job security
  • coping with my DC's mental health issues
  • .... the list goes on

Am I supposed to not talk about things which I really, really would value my friends' support with, so that a teenager can learn a lesson in how to socialise?

When we have adult friends over, my teens and tweens will often join us for a drink and a chat, but I absolutely expect them to allow the adults to have time alone and will tell them in no uncertain terms to piss off if they hang about too long. Or suggest that next time they have their friends over, I'll insist on joining in.

Show quote history

This, x10000000.

I'm sure you're the silent majority here.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 04/12/2023 16:38

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:54

This is exactly how it is! And this girl has gone from being quite lovely to a little surly as is often a teenager

Perhaps her surly attitude stems from her parent's overcritical friend sitting constantly keeping an eye on how much she eats...

HamBone · 04/12/2023 16:38

@pastaandpesto Yes, that’s exactly what happened with my friend, she wanted to share some health concerns with us and felt that she couldn’t in front of the children.

pastaandpesto · 04/12/2023 16:41

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 04/12/2023 16:28

Can’t have an adult conversation in front of a 15 year old? What in earth are you taking about in which case you shouldn’t be talking about it when kids are around inc you own anyway.

As I said in my post, are you saying that I shouldn't be in the least bit bothered about confiding about my recent cancer scare and how fucking awful it was in front of my friend's teenager? Or my friend should chat away to my tween about the fact her husband of 25 years has fucked off and she is an absolute shell of her former self?

Amazedtobesane · 04/12/2023 16:41

We had this with friends. On my 50th birthday we'd planned a quiet evening with this one couple. They brought their 19 year old son along and he not only dominated the evening, his only subject was calorie counting and he went on and on about it. I would rather not have had to do so, but I put my foot down and said that 'It's my birthday and I do not want to spend it listening to you talk about calories!'.

Chalkdowns · 04/12/2023 16:42

I think you’ll just have to put up with it for a little bit longer. Maybe see them less for a while? it would be so rude to ask them not to bring her. She’ll be independent so soon!

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 16:42

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:01

That’s the problem - he doesn’t need babysitting by her, he’ll happily amuse himself for quite a while.
Unfortunately she hogs ALL the food and basically sits with us. It’s awkward and conversation is obviously different when a young teenager is present.
My son is too young to understand the context of what we say

Go to their house and get a babysitter for your child?

That's what we always did. Unless it was a 'bring the family' do

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 16:44

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:35

I think this is a great comment - I’m happy to include her especially if this a normal thing to do with a 15 year old. I thought it’s was very weird - perhaps it’s not!
I guess we just have to watch what we say a bit

Show quote history

I think they're two totally different sets of circumstances.

Both are fine but not all the time