Page 7 | Friends who always bring their teenager

Parentslife · 2023-12-04T13:42:26+00:00

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere. At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked. Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone. How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

GasPanic · 04/12/2023 15:39

If she is like any other teenager she will be permanently glued to the smartphone.

Cover your house in tin foil and turn down the wifi. Make it so it can only be received in one fairly remote room. Fill that room with a catering pack of jaffa cakes.

Job done.

OVienna · 04/12/2023 15:40

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:29

She’s of course welcome to the food! And there’s the usual pre-dinner snacks but she will quite honestly eat most of it - plus sits at the table listening to our conversation.
I’m sure this is normal for a teenager but it irks me and I’d pull my own son up on it

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It's not 'normal' in my experience at all.

AnOldCynic · 04/12/2023 15:41

You just politely say can it just be adults next time? Surely with friends you can say this. How far away do they live? Can't she stay at home?

It's completely different having a 7 year old, who sits in another room and doesn't join in adult conversations, so why people are saying it's either kids and adults or adults only I don't understand.

There are loads of things I wouldn't want a 15 year old hearing me talk about!

Mirabai · 04/12/2023 15:41

Presumably you have both adult only dinners and family meals. If a family meal, your 7 year old son will be present so they will bring their 15 year old. If you specify adults only particularly if it’s the evening it will just be couples.

You can’t just eject kids from family meals because they get to the awkward teen phase, it will come to your son too.

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 15:42

When I was a teen (in the 90s) if my parents had friends over I’d be expected to pop into the room, smile and say hello, answer a couple of questions about how I was getting on at school etc. and then skedaddle.

Hanging out with my parents and their friends would not have been on my agenda. At all. And I'd never in a million years have accompanied them to their friends’ house.

tara66 · 04/12/2023 15:42

I don't see why there is a problem. Of course you can have adult conversations when she is there and she'll probably be bored to tears. I mean talk about work, friends, politics, cost of living, sport, travel etc. Presume you do not want to discuss about kinky stuff , wife swapping etc - but then again she may be well informed about that too ?

Citrusandginger · 04/12/2023 15:43

I have a 14 year old who extended family think should willingly entertain their 5yo when they visit us so that they can sit on their arses.

Not the same situation as the OP, but I do have sympathy for the teenager.
Our DD doesn't automatically want to be stuck upstairs with a small child, just because she is a teenager with a vagina. She wants to be downstairs with the rest of her family.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes sometimes topics of discussion can be provocative and genuinely not suitable for a tennager’s ears. Same with finances, school, personal health, other parents etc
My 7 year old honestly doesn’t understand half of it but the bits that he can, you can alter.
A teenager still picks up on the inuendo.

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CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 15:44

tara66 · 04/12/2023 15:42

I don't see why there is a problem. Of course you can have adult conversations when she is there and she'll probably be bored to tears. I mean talk about work, friends, politics, cost of living, sport, travel etc. Presume you do not want to discuss about kinky stuff , wife swapping etc - but then again she may be well informed about that too ?

Why do you assume OP and her friends do not want to talk about kinky stuff?

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:46

GasPanic · 04/12/2023 15:39

If she is like any other teenager she will be permanently glued to the smartphone.

Cover your house in tin foil and turn down the wifi. Make it so it can only be received in one fairly remote room. Fill that room with a catering pack of jaffa cakes.

Job done.

Hahaha love it! 👏

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MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:46

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:17

@Jewnicorn does your DD think these are also her friends? Because you need to be saying clearly these are my friends. And just like I do not come and sit with you and your friends all the time, you should not always come and sit with my friends. She needs to understand boundaries and you are doing her no favours not teaching these.

I agree with this.

I am 37. My parents have friends who have been in my life since I was a baby. I am very fond of many of them. I invited some of them to my wedding without being asked to do so by my parents precisely because I am so fond of them. I could have a great conversation with them now and I could have a great conversation with them when I was 15.

But they are still my parents' friends, not mine.

If they happened to come over for dinner while I was visiting my parents then we would all hang out together because I am 37 and not 15. I assume that would be OK, otherwise they would meet my parents for dinner at a time when I wasn't there.

But if they came over to see my parents when I was 15 I would have said hello to them and chatted for a bit, then gone off to my bat cave to watch a film or read a book or talk to my friends on MSN Messenger.

Alasar · 04/12/2023 15:49

Oh my god our friends did this with their teenage DS and it annoyed us too! He was just..always there😂they live within walking distance and I remember one night he was at home on his own and still landed at our house at 10pm when his parents were over for drinks. We have a VR headset and DH would give it to him to play so that helped. Then one day he suddenly became independent and it stopped. At about 17..and his parents are waaay more relaxed when they call over. Conversations are definitely more personal and well, fun. OP, i understand your pain. Waiting it out is the best you can do. Good luck

DragonFly98 · 04/12/2023 15:51

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:01

That’s the problem - he doesn’t need babysitting by her, he’ll happily amuse himself for quite a while.
Unfortunately she hogs ALL the food and basically sits with us. It’s awkward and conversation is obviously different when a young teenager is present.
My son is too young to understand the context of what we say

Why is it different? Do you not having anything to talk about that doesn't involve your sex life?

museumum · 04/12/2023 15:54

I suspect she's eating all the food because she's bored / feeling socially awkward. I don't see why you can say to your closest friend - "Does 'Lucy' really want to come this time? Would she not prefer to stay at home? It must be really boring for her and it does limit our chat a bit. "

inamarina · 04/12/2023 15:54

BlazingWorld · 04/12/2023 14:09

I wonder what on earth "adult conversation" you are having or wanting to have? When I turned 14 or 15 I remember I didn't want to go and play with my cousins any more so I used to stay downstairs with the adults, my older cousin had made that transition a year or so before. I enjoyed adult conversation in the sense of adults talking and nobody thought to exclude me. It was mostly about home improvements and illnesses as far as I remember, as well as memories of the "old days".

I was the same at that age, to be honest.
I think teenagers can learn quite a bit from adult conversation too - depends what the conversation is about of course.
In our case it was often politics, if I remember correctly.

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 15:58

parksandrecs · 04/12/2023 15:06

I would say it's either child free for both families, or not.

Personally I would put up with it, it won't be long before she's out with her own friends, and your son is the teenager no-one wants tagging along...

I’m sure you are absolutely right!

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poetryandwine · 04/12/2023 15:59

OP, I agree it is odd but I wonder if the girl has anxiety or special needs?

In any case I agree that when your DS is hanging about, without a carer, it is too awkward to uninvite her. But activities away from home are the answer: pub meals, cinema, theatre, musical performances at all price points, geared for adults), public lectures or gallery showings followed by a drink, etc.

Perhaps you could prime the pump: ‘We saw the remastered version of Last Tango in Paris last week with Alice and Bob and then had a bite at the new gastropub. They’re showing A Clockwork Orange next week. Shall I get the four of us tickets?’

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:59

DragonFly98 · 04/12/2023 15:51

Why is it different? Do you not having anything to talk about that doesn't involve your sex life?

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It's not about whether they have other topics of conversation or not.

They just want to be able to discuss any topic of conversation they like without needing to constantly censor themselves because someone's teenager is sitting there listening to every word.

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 16:00

bloodyfreezinghere · 04/12/2023 14:50

That’s because they couldn’t talk about who was shagging who because you were there.

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Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:01

DragonFly98 · 04/12/2023 15:51

Why is it different? Do you not having anything to talk about that doesn't involve your sex life?

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Are you actually joking?
We don’t talk about our sex life or kinky shit FFS
This is a 15 year old girl who doesn’t need to hear about the adult woes of the world or talking about other parents, politics or provocative current affairs. Also swearing 😂

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Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:02

poetryandwine · 04/12/2023 15:59

OP, I agree it is odd but I wonder if the girl has anxiety or special needs?

In any case I agree that when your DS is hanging about, without a carer, it is too awkward to uninvite her. But activities away from home are the answer: pub meals, cinema, theatre, musical performances at all price points, geared for adults), public lectures or gallery showings followed by a drink, etc.

Perhaps you could prime the pump: ‘We saw the remastered version of Last Tango in Paris last week with Alice and Bob and then had a bite at the new gastropub. They’re showing A Clockwork Orange next week. Shall I get the four of us tickets?’

Good ideas there thanks!

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Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:04

Alasar · 04/12/2023 15:49

Oh my god our friends did this with their teenage DS and it annoyed us too! He was just..always there😂they live within walking distance and I remember one night he was at home on his own and still landed at our house at 10pm when his parents were over for drinks. We have a VR headset and DH would give it to him to play so that helped. Then one day he suddenly became independent and it stopped. At about 17..and his parents are waaay more relaxed when they call over. Conversations are definitely more personal and well, fun. OP, i understand your pain. Waiting it out is the best you can do. Good luck

Thank you!! 🙏

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fedupwithbeinghot · 04/12/2023 16:06

If you went to their house, she'd probably disappear to her room and leave you alone. Have you tried that? Your son can fall asleep on the sofa when ready

Original poster

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:07

fedupwithbeinghot · 04/12/2023 16:06

If you went to their house, she'd probably disappear to her room and leave you alone. Have you tried that? Your son can fall asleep on the sofa when ready

This is what we usually do but it’s so our turn!

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spriots · 04/12/2023 16:08

I have a friend who has started to do the "oh my child is so grown up and so mature that talking to her is just the same as talking to an adult" thing and I find it difficult to know how to explain that:

a) no it's not the same as talking to an adult, I talk about different things with just my friend than with her and her 13 year old
b) even it was, I haven't chosen her 13 year old to be my friend and I didn't get a babysitter for my kids to go out for dinner with hers

I don't mind socialising with friends' teens in some settings (and sorry I agree with the PP that if your 7 year old is there, you can't exclude the teen) but it's obtuse to say that they make no difference to the social dynamics