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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 19:28

Thedm · 05/12/2023 19:16

It’s not anti teen sentiment, Jesus. But she isn’t welcome. It is actually Ok to tell kids they’re not always welcome.
Just tell her to sit somewhere else. Her parents shouldn’t be bringing her, especially as the OP said that mum looked annoyed when she started discussing slight adult things and sent her daughter out the room. If she doesn’t want her kid hearing the stuff then she shouldn’t bring her. She does, so the OP needs to set the boundaries by giving the girl a different room to sit in.

Show quote history

Of course you can tell your kids and teens that they are not invited somewhere. I am not disputing that. But that’s up to their parents, it’s not up to the host or the op.

Once your friend makes the decision to bring their child over, then I am suggesting that you suck it up, for the sake of the teen and the friendship.

If the parent deems it necessary to bring the teen, then odds on it’s because she is going through a difficult friendship phase or some sort of crisis in confidence. Give it a few months and she will be off out with friends and you will see her rarely.

You never know, being made to feel welcome and “grown up” in an adults home other than her parents’s place, and being treated respectfully and kindly, might actually spur that development on!

spriots · 05/12/2023 19:29

Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:50

SO UPDATE

  • Last time we invited them, DH said something like, ‘Don’t feel like DD has to come over to babysit DS, she must find that so boring!’ Nope, she came and arrived 20 minutes before her parents.
  • We have just invited them this weekend and decided to try the following line, ‘We’re going to put DS to bed a bit earlier this time, so we can have more adult time.’
  • Their response was, ‘Well DD will walk home when DS goes to bed then.’

This update makes it even weirder - so it sounds like they are fine with her being home without them?

Why do they bring her then, it's really odd!

Thedm · 05/12/2023 19:33

@Badlylitdescent

It is not respectful or kind to pretend someone is welcome whilst gritting your teeth. Teaching boundaries is. The girl can sit with them all for dinner or lunch but then go away during the coffee and chat time. That’s totally normal.

The parents have said she will walk home alone when the kid goes to bed, so it isn’t an issue of not wanting her to be home alone. They’re just being ignorant to what’s actually socially Ok, so someone needs to just tell them.

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 19:33

spriots · 05/12/2023 19:29

This update makes it even weirder - so it sounds like they are fine with her being home without them?

Why do they bring her then, it's really odd!

Show quote history

There’s obviously been some miscommunication somewhere. They are obviously under the impression that the op’s ds needs baby-sitting.

Thegoodbadandugly · 05/12/2023 19:35

greencheetah · 05/12/2023 18:59

The 7 year old lives there! 😂

Show quote history

But you either want kids there or you don't, you can't tell someone to not bring their child but then have your own child hanging around.

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 19:38

It is not respectful or kind to pretend someone is welcome whilst gritting your teeth

Well there we fundamentally disagree Thedm. We can all put ourselves out for someone occasionally. And we can try and ungrit our teeth while doing it too.

”Healthy boundaries” are so often used nowadays as an excuse not to do the decent thing.

Cupcakekiller · 05/12/2023 19:38

Why not suggest a child free meeting? Why do both kids always have to be there?

Mirrormeback · 05/12/2023 19:41

I don't know why PP are saying suck it up or put up with it

I meet up with my friends for a catch up and drinks and fun and we wouldn't dream of bringing our teens along to ruin the fun

Who wants that or thinks that's ok it's really not ok

I get where you're coming from OP

There's a time and a place for boring surly teens not to ruin what should be fun adult drinks and chat

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 05/12/2023 19:42

You suggest these are your closest friends.
I'd suggest having a conversation about the situation.

Mirrormeback · 05/12/2023 19:42

I would just stop inviting this friend round full stop because your time spent with her is now pointless

Invite someone round who's more fun to be with instead

Sennelier1 · 05/12/2023 19:46

@Dinoswearunderpants You are very rude and obviously looking for a fight. That's unkind, at the least.

Sparehair · 05/12/2023 19:48

The issue is that bringing her became the norm when the dd was at an age where it was probably unreasonable to expect her to be left at home, but it worked as she hung out with the OP's ds and meant the friends didnt need a babysitter. Now she's hanging with the adults and ruining the vibe but it's really hard to now say "she cant come"

OP all I can suggest is that you bring up all the university anecdotes " well of course, Izzy, you know that your mum was a notorious shagger at Exeter". They won't bring her again.

Jeannie88 · 05/12/2023 19:49

Just let them both come and do their own thing? Finding when we get together with other children, sometimes they get on and play together, other times they don't. Still all a part of socialising with different ages, which surely we all learn as we grow up? Just because there isn't a magic fit these interactions are part of self development.

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 05/12/2023 19:50

Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:02

We have them over a lot too! We’re close friends - they often prefer to have it at theirs due to having teenagers.
This issue is not about who’s hosting, it’s that they always bring their teen and she wants to hang out with us.
It’s weird.

Show quote history

Its their house. There is nothing you can do.

If you don't like it, then don't go to their house.

SwingTheMonkey · 05/12/2023 19:51

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 05/12/2023 18:17

You sound delightful.

Show quote history

I am perfectly delightful, you’re right.

My teen and I (and DH) have a mutual respect. We like our own space with our own friends. We love spending time with him, but not all the time. He feels the same. He’d no more want me hanging around whilst his friends are here than I’d want him hanging around whilst our friends are here.

We are honest with each other.

It works well. Sadly, too few parents are willing to be honest with their kids these days and the result is a young adult who doesn’t understand boundaries.

annapfa · 05/12/2023 19:53

Gosh - rewind 50-something years, and that grumpy 15-year old was ME! Thinking "why do I have to go out to visit these people who don't like me, when I would far rather be anywhere else - why can't I stay home and read?"

Then one day I refused to go - bliss!! I never had to see those people again!

SwingTheMonkey · 05/12/2023 19:54

Jeannie88 · 05/12/2023 19:49

Just let them both come and do their own thing? Finding when we get together with other children, sometimes they get on and play together, other times they don't. Still all a part of socialising with different ages, which surely we all learn as we grow up? Just because there isn't a magic fit these interactions are part of self development.

But the teen’s idea of doing her own thing is to sit with the adults and listen to their conversations…

Absolutelyridiculous · 05/12/2023 20:06

At 15 years old she's old enough to be left at home I would have thought..? Why she wants to come along with her parents beats me.
At 15 I had a job and caught buses on my own, went to youth clubs etc. I babysat for neighbours. However some parents wrap their children in cotton wool. I completely understand you & why it alters your evening and adult conversation. I'd get a babysitter and go out for a meal or like someone suggested, ask if their daughter will babysit your 7 year old. Good luck.

Benibidibici · 05/12/2023 20:27

Wtf? Of course you can fucking say the 15 yr old isn't welcome!!

You can shove the 7 yr old to bed at 7.30, he doesn't interfere with an adult evening.

The 15 year old can be left home for a few hours to enjoy have the telly to herself.

There are loads of conversations i have with my friends that i 100% would not want to have in front of my friends teenagers.

  1. various overshare discussions about stuff like perimenopause & impact on sex life etc
  2. discussions about mutual friends affairs/divorces etc
  3. all the chat we have about husbands/marriages

Its not that its not age appropriate, its that its personal and intimate, and I have zero desire to discuss it in front of a teenager.

Doone22 · 05/12/2023 20:29

Poor girl probably doesn't have a choice. Perhaps you could pay her to babysit properly while you all pop out for a wee bit of adult time? They probably get on better without you there as well

Mumtobeebee · 05/12/2023 20:31

How would you feel if the parents of the teenager asked you not to bring your son as he irritates their daughter?
the only option is to have it child free or not. Her behaviour is typical of a teenager and one day your son will no doubt be the same. So consider how you would like your child to be treated, before making remarks about their child.

HamBone · 05/12/2023 20:34

kay1bee · 05/12/2023 18:29

@LadyGrinningSoul85 Other nations embrace their children in social situations, and encourage them to take part in adult conversations. How else are they going to learn? In the UK, it's all about what the parents need. If you can't be bothered to engage a teenager in conversation - and no-one is saying it's easy! - then you should have got a dog...😂 (Forgot to add the @ when posting. I can talk to teenagers but I'm not great with technology🙄)

@kay1bee Children aren’t included in every social situation in other countries, are they? If DH and I are invited to another couple’s house for a meal, we don’t assume that our 15-year-old is also invited unless it’s specifically stated. If the hosts have children who live there though, of course they might be in the house, where else are they supposed to go, it’s their home?

Benibidibici · 05/12/2023 20:36

How would you feel if the parents of the teenager asked you not to bring your son as he irritates their daughter?

Would never dream of bringing along 7 year old son to hang out with 15 y o while i hang out with my friends!

Its what a baby sitter is for!

HamBone · 05/12/2023 20:45

Benibidibici · 05/12/2023 20:36

How would you feel if the parents of the teenager asked you not to bring your son as he irritates their daughter?

Would never dream of bringing along 7 year old son to hang out with 15 y o while i hang out with my friends!

Its what a baby sitter is for!

Exactly, @Benibidibici, most of us wouldn’t assume that our teenagers are always invited. But presumably some people do.🤷

ensayers · 05/12/2023 21:00

I bet the 15yo doesn't want to be there anyway. If it's a choice of her being shoved off into a child space with a 7 year old, or hanging out with adults that apparently begrudge her even being there, then by comparison she's probably happiest eating all the snacks and plotting which care home she will one day use to get revenge on her parents for this miserable visit that she is once again stuck in.