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Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
BarelyCoping123 · 05/12/2023 18:41

How utterly rude to want to exclude your friends' 15yo child! Youve known this child for years, talk to her, include her, show an interest in her! Or just let her get on with her own thing! You sound absolutely awful OP

Canisaysomething · 05/12/2023 18:42

mantyzer · 05/12/2023 18:29

Families getting together and talking to their children socially is normal.
But a friends children are not my friends.

This 100%. Family time is the time to include children of all ages. Catching up with friends is not.

ToffeeMamma · 05/12/2023 18:43

Maybe they find your son sitting watching TV arrogant. Who are you to judge her. If your son can come then there is no reason she shouldn't be able too.

BornIn78 · 05/12/2023 18:46

I actually think the age is irrelevant.

This is like a friend always bringing her DH along to what has been arranged as a girls night out. Totally changes the dynamic.

I think you need to tell them straight when you issue an invitation, “it’s adults only, no children, DS is staying in his own room with drinks and snacks until he goes to bed”.

Mikimoto · 05/12/2023 18:50

The daughter sounds like the Viz character Lazy Disinterested 16 Year-Old Photo Shop Girl!!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/12/2023 18:52

I think it's ok for teenagers to hang around adults if they're family but they need to clear off if it's friends meeting up.

I don't know why the 15 year old wants to hang out with you anyway?! Unfortunately her parents don't see the issue so there's not much you can do. I'd arrange to meet them outside of the home - tell them it's child free time!

Itrymybestyesido · 05/12/2023 18:54

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:50

She ignores my son which is quite confusing for him and sits with us so we can’t have adult conversation.

She's a teenager! I think you've got a slightly mean view point here.

Thegoodbadandugly · 05/12/2023 18:55

If you don't want the 15 year old there you can't have the 7 year old there that would not be fair at all

greencheetah · 05/12/2023 18:59

Thegoodbadandugly · 05/12/2023 18:55

If you don't want the 15 year old there you can't have the 7 year old there that would not be fair at all

The 7 year old lives there! 😂

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 18:59

Emsy80 · 05/12/2023 18:34

The only way out of this is to organise an adult night out and arrange a babysitter for 7 y.o. You can't seriously expect to suggest they leave her at home? Please come back and post again when your son is 15. I'd love to hear your views then.

Absolutely this ^

Do not, whatever you do, broach this with your friend op, if you want the friendship to continue.

It’s perfectly normal behaviour for some 15 year olds to isolate themselves and ignore everyone.

If you knew anything about teens you would realise that this is not generally bc they are being rude or obnoxious, they are either totally preoccupied with matters relating to their friendship group, trying to process something that happened at school that day, or crippled with lack of self confidence or anxiety.

One of my teen DCs spent a great deal of their sixteenth year sat in a dog basket on their phone, when not at school or out with friends. It’s fine. Leave them be. They are a delightful young person now, fully engaged with others, and able to help me with work events.

We had a friend who brought one of their struggling teens to social events for a period of time and I’m not going to lie, it was a bit of a drag at times, but we all embraced it and supported her bc that’s what friends do! And it’s so short a period of time before they are off and away, best to just go with it rather than cause serious friendship issues!

MsRosley · 05/12/2023 19:00

'How about we arrange a child free evening? We could go to that new place in xxx.'

Rinse and repeat until the children leave home.

Brandyginger · 05/12/2023 19:02

I completely understand what you mean about it altering the conversation - we have this with one family we socialise with : all the kids / teenagers are in another room but their 14 yo DD sits on the couch with the four adults . it’s remarkably stifling…

Thedm · 05/12/2023 19:02

For goodness sake, just speak directly to the girl. Get a plate out, put some of the cheese and crackers or whatever on it whilst they are sitting there, hand it to her (but don’t let go of your side and sort of gently move it in the direction of the doorway) whilst saying, “DS is doing his own thing so you’ve got the TV to yourself, off you go and watch a movie or something while the adults sit through here.” And just start walking through, gesturing that she follow. If anyone says anything just say, “well, it’s so much easier to talk without worrying about younger ears, come on, I’ll help you with the TV.”

Theyre close friends of yours. Close friends! Just bloody say it.

PlaidCushionProductions · 05/12/2023 19:03

Send son to bed and hand your friends teen the wi-fi code, tv control, Pizza and the permission to bring a friend.

TodayForTomorrow · 05/12/2023 19:05

I am stunned by the replies to this thread. Of course they are being unreasonable!

I absolutely would have no problem in telling my teenage child that they were not welcome at a social gathering of my own friends. I'm sure the teenager could see the equivalence of their mum gatecrashing a 15 year old's sleepover and how that would totally alter the dynamic. It can be done kindly and in good humour. The younger that conversation happens, the better otherwise she'll be there into her 20s and that becomes harder to politely explain.

I do agree that it's awkward OP and it's a shame they've not concluded that themselves. Really she needs to understand that if she comes, she's there to spend a bit of time with your son, or else not come at all. To ignore him is rude. If it bothers you so much, you'll have to try and arrange adults only venues for the time being.

80skid · 05/12/2023 19:07

It's so tedious when people think you wish to socialise with their teenager. Just because they think they're an adult doesn't mean you do. All the best with encouraging her to do her own thing and allow you an adult relationship with your friends.

LondonLass91 · 05/12/2023 19:11

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:01

That’s the problem - he doesn’t need babysitting by her, he’ll happily amuse himself for quite a while.
Unfortunately she hogs ALL the food and basically sits with us. It’s awkward and conversation is obviously different when a young teenager is present.
My son is too young to understand the context of what we say

Hogs all the food?! She's just 15 OP.

Puffalicious · 05/12/2023 19:11

TheCountIsPale · 04/12/2023 14:24

When with friends I sometimes talk about my sex life...! No doubt my teen wouldn't want to hear that! There are also things that would embarrass them, medical issues, conversations about past relationships, childhood experiences etc. Yes I'd be open with my children about most of these things, but it's a different conversation than that you can have with your best girl friends.

Show quote history

This! This! This!

All these PP wondering what you possibly wouldn't discuss in front of a teen? Loads of stuff. I wonder if they're all the type of 'my precious DC couldn't possibly be in the way/awkward to have there ' like my sister who brought my niece everywhere constantly, so much so that I avoided meeting at times. As much as I adore my niece, I wanted time away from child-centered chat. Even now she's 21, I still like time with my sisters without her present. Last time I saw all my sisters together we were talking about a sensitive, historical family matter- not one I'd want to discuss in front of her.

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 19:11

Thedm · 05/12/2023 19:02

For goodness sake, just speak directly to the girl. Get a plate out, put some of the cheese and crackers or whatever on it whilst they are sitting there, hand it to her (but don’t let go of your side and sort of gently move it in the direction of the doorway) whilst saying, “DS is doing his own thing so you’ve got the TV to yourself, off you go and watch a movie or something while the adults sit through here.” And just start walking through, gesturing that she follow. If anyone says anything just say, “well, it’s so much easier to talk without worrying about younger ears, come on, I’ll help you with the TV.”

Theyre close friends of yours. Close friends! Just bloody say it.

Do speak to her directly but please don’t do this ^. Teens are people too! Show her the same respect that you would anyone else fhs!

Very few teens want to hang out with younger friends. Being with other adults is much more interesting and informative and an important part of growing up.

The UK is weirdly prescriptive about which age ranges hang out together, but in other cultures, they hang out together!

It won’t be for very long! She is just in that awkward twixt and between stage. Give her a break fhs! Honestly the anti-teen sentiment on here is depressing.

Thedm · 05/12/2023 19:16

Badlylitdescent · 05/12/2023 19:11

Do speak to her directly but please don’t do this ^. Teens are people too! Show her the same respect that you would anyone else fhs!

Very few teens want to hang out with younger friends. Being with other adults is much more interesting and informative and an important part of growing up.

The UK is weirdly prescriptive about which age ranges hang out together, but in other cultures, they hang out together!

It won’t be for very long! She is just in that awkward twixt and between stage. Give her a break fhs! Honestly the anti-teen sentiment on here is depressing.

Show quote history

It’s not anti teen sentiment, Jesus. But she isn’t welcome. It is actually Ok to tell kids they’re not always welcome.
Just tell her to sit somewhere else. Her parents shouldn’t be bringing her, especially as the OP said that mum looked annoyed when she started discussing slight adult things and sent her daughter out the room. If she doesn’t want her kid hearing the stuff then she shouldn’t bring her. She does, so the OP needs to set the boundaries by giving the girl a different room to sit in.

Puffalicious · 05/12/2023 19:17

Honestly the anti-teen sentiment on here is depressing

I don't see any anti-teen sentiment. I adore teens. My career of 29 years has them front & centre, and I have 2 of my own & a pre-teen who are my everything, but some times/ days I want an hour or two with my friends where we talk about things that are not for their ears. There's nothing wrong with that. I certainly didn't expect when I had children that I would have them stuck to my side for 18+ years. I deserve a few hours occasionally without them. Our Xmas build up has 4 big meet ups planned with kids & one without- is that okay by you?

OldPerson · 05/12/2023 19:20

A bit of a no-brainer. (1) You suggest their daughter brings a friend. Good for her and you don't have to guard adult conversations. You set them up with a video, which they won't watch because they'll be on their phones. It's changing the dynamics. (2) You grit your teeth for another year, because at age 16, parents start to feel awkward that their teenager is not self-sufficient enough to be left alone. (3) You always have some pity for the child - because trust me, she doesn't want to be there, unless she is special needs. (4) Or find new friends. But never, ever, suggest they don't bring their daughter. If they're still bringing her age 15 years, there's anxiety going on at some level. And it's temporary. She's very close to being a grown up. And in the next year, she needs to be studying for GCSE's, so set her up somewhere to revise.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 05/12/2023 19:27

If this was my dd I'd tell her to go for a walk so I can talk to my friends. She moaned once so I said okay fine next time your friends are over I'll join you....

She didn't moan again!

I'd say to your friend can we organise a kids/teens free coffee next time please.

Rosejasmine · 05/12/2023 19:28

There might well be a good reason why they are bringing her that you are not aware of. For example, she might suffer from bad anxiety or there might be a reason why they don’t feel it’s safe to leave their 15 year old alone in the house while they are out. I doubt they actually enjoy bringing her when she’s bored.

JaneFarrier · 05/12/2023 19:28

@mantyzer it seems very likely that she had anxiety then, too, and that's why they brought her places with them.