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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 05/12/2023 14:07

The arriving 20 minutes before is odd. Does she have fond childhood memories of coming to your house or something like that? Can't see what's in it for her.

DPotter · 05/12/2023 14:10

They are slow on the uptake.

Could you arrange a sleep over for your DS - then there's no excuse for her to come over at all.

CoffeeCantata · 05/12/2023 16:42

I sympathise, OP.

Had this happen many times. I don't know which is worse - the quiet, watching, listening teenager or the one who causes the whole conversation/event to be centred around them.

Staceymom · 05/12/2023 17:47

@Catsfrontbum Gah! Another “eater”?

Ilovecleaning · 05/12/2023 17:50

Moveoverdarlin · 04/12/2023 13:52

I met up with girlfriends last week, we all live miles away so only see each other once a year. One brought their daughter who is 15, we sat there talking about who her friends are, What GCSE’s she’s doing, what music she’s in to. I didn’t travel 134 miles in the pissing rain to talk about mock GCSEs. Yes the adults made conversation but we were all conscience a child was there so most of our conversations were off limits, or watered down. It was a pain.

Yep. I bloody HATE it when teens are present, including my own when they were that age. I used to visit my cousin (widow). We’d both contribute food and booze so we could have a good catch up and I’d stay overnight. BUT her bloody 20 something daughter would hear about our arrangement and expect to join in. Pain in the arse! She’d say ‘ Oh I’ll bring desert, wine etc’
Pissed me off big time as she really cramped our style. Eventually I stopped going. Why don’t people realise that if you gate crash a pre-arranged get together that you completely change the group dynamics?

kay1bee · 05/12/2023 17:51

@Parentslife In 8 years, that will be your grumpy son. You are naive not to realise this! Children are for life, not just until they become teenagers.

Staceymom · 05/12/2023 17:53

HaddawayAndShite · 04/12/2023 13:53

If he’s sat happy to watch tv while the adults chat then why does the 15 yo need to babysit him? She’s not there to provide entertainment for him? And you have a problem with her eating food too?

Well you can either be honest and say “I don’t like your child leave her at home” and deal with the blow out, leave yours at home too or suck it up.

TBH she’s 15, I doubt she wants to hang out with her mum’s boring, middle aged mates and their little kid either.

To your first question….As already suggested, so the adults can go out to eat or a bar/pub etc. Try reading the posts you’re responding to properly before jumping in. No offence cupcake.

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 05/12/2023 17:56

I had a friend whose teenager would turn up to our prearranged lunch out. The last time she came she ordered a filet steak. The mother expected me to split the bill. I didn't. I got fed up with this stunt. Additionally she would sit through our whole conversation at home. It became a deal breaker for me.

Mumabearwithme · 05/12/2023 17:59

Does she have friends her own age? It’s rude and unkind to ask them not to bring their daughter. There must be a reason she’s not left at home.

SwingTheMonkey · 05/12/2023 17:59

kay1bee · 05/12/2023 17:51

@Parentslife In 8 years, that will be your grumpy son. You are naive not to realise this! Children are for life, not just until they become teenagers.

Why do people keep saying this, like it’s inevitable? I’ve got a teenager and if he decided to join an adults dinner party, he’d get short shrift. Not everyone is afraid of telling their child they aren’t welcome in this situation.

Anele22 · 05/12/2023 18:00

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:01

That’s the problem - he doesn’t need babysitting by her, he’ll happily amuse himself for quite a while.
Unfortunately she hogs ALL the food and basically sits with us. It’s awkward and conversation is obviously different when a young teenager is present.
My son is too young to understand the context of what we say

Goodness, you must all be starving!

Lavenderblue11 · 05/12/2023 18:02

Moveoverdarlin · 04/12/2023 13:52

I met up with girlfriends last week, we all live miles away so only see each other once a year. One brought their daughter who is 15, we sat there talking about who her friends are, What GCSE’s she’s doing, what music she’s in to. I didn’t travel 134 miles in the pissing rain to talk about mock GCSEs. Yes the adults made conversation but we were all conscience a child was there so most of our conversations were off limits, or watered down. It was a pain.

100% feel your pain here, I would have been fuming!

whittingtonmum · 05/12/2023 18:08

It's really annoying if friends expect our young pre-teen/teenagers to not come when they invite us because their kids are older and they can leave them at home for an evening whereas we are not at that stage yet. We used to all socialise as families when kids were younger but dynamic is changing now everyone's (nearly) a teenager. So I would spare a thought for your friends and think about how you can steer this friendship well through this new but temporary phase. I would also look to broaden my circle of friends if I were the OP so she can better cut her best friends some slack and get her uninterrupted adult time with other people.

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 05/12/2023 18:17

SwingTheMonkey · 05/12/2023 17:59

Why do people keep saying this, like it’s inevitable? I’ve got a teenager and if he decided to join an adults dinner party, he’d get short shrift. Not everyone is afraid of telling their child they aren’t welcome in this situation.

Show quote history

You sound delightful.

moomoomoo27 · 05/12/2023 18:18

Hi name, is older daughter around to keep an eye on younger daughter for you on x date? We'd love to have you all over, but we've noticed she's been looking a bit bored lately (understandably because of the age gap between her and DS), and we're concerned she's at that age where she's understanding the adult conversation and it's a bit inappropriate for her. Would be great to catch up with you both, and arrange something else for both our families at a later date if she's interested. What do you think?

masterblaster · 05/12/2023 18:21

Our daughter is 15 and sits with us. She therefore learns how adults converse. She is closer in development to an adult than a 7 year-old child. We would not expect her to be the entertainment for her 7 year old cousin, though she does quite often look after her.

masterblaster · 05/12/2023 18:23

Nonamesleft1 · 04/12/2023 14:06

Pay the 15 year old to babysit and go to the pub 🤷‍♀️

This is the way.

kay1bee · 05/12/2023 18:27

Quite! Other nations embrace their children in social situations, and encourage them to take part in adult conversations. How else are they going to learn? In the UK, it's all about what the parents need. If you can't be bothered to engage a teenager in conversation - and no-one is saying it's easy! - then you should have got a dog...😂

mantyzer · 05/12/2023 18:29

Families getting together and talking to their children socially is normal.
But a friends children are not my friends.

kay1bee · 05/12/2023 18:29

@LadyGrinningSoul85 Other nations embrace their children in social situations, and encourage them to take part in adult conversations. How else are they going to learn? In the UK, it's all about what the parents need. If you can't be bothered to engage a teenager in conversation - and no-one is saying it's easy! - then you should have got a dog...😂 (Forgot to add the @ when posting. I can talk to teenagers but I'm not great with technology🙄)

mantyzer · 05/12/2023 18:29

And you really think men going out with their friends take along their teenagers?

K4tM · 05/12/2023 18:31

I’d say you’re gonna feel different to that once you have a 15 year old.

Emsy80 · 05/12/2023 18:34

The only way out of this is to organise an adult night out and arrange a babysitter for 7 y.o. You can't seriously expect to suggest they leave her at home? Please come back and post again when your son is 15. I'd love to hear your views then.

Lavenderblue11 · 05/12/2023 18:34

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2023 14:21

Just curious about what you’d view as unsuitable conversion for a 15 yr old. We socialise with friends and they would bring their older children and now my dc who is 17 may be there.
It’s often work moans, current affairs, general chatting.
I honestly can’t think of anything I wouldn’t say in front of an older teen.

People deserve some adult time in my opinion, it's not the same with teenagers mooching about. The other thing is, why would a 15 -17 year old want to be snooping around their parent's conversations, they should be doing things with their own mates.

Canisaysomething · 05/12/2023 18:41

Either children join or they don’t. You can’t pick and choose which children are allowed to attend based on which children are more annoying!!