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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
hsapposhit · 05/12/2023 12:05

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:11

So we always go to theirs because it works better but it’s genuinely our turn to have them over.
The girl doesn’t have special needs, she’s a lovely bright girl and we like her!
Their home is only a few streets away from ours.

Show quote history

@Parentslife
Are they coming to yours or are you going to theirs?
Because all the way through the thread you describe it as though they are coming to yours and the 15 year old is eating all your food and hanging around and your son goes to bed at 7.30-8.30?
Then all of a sudden in this post, hidden pages into the thread, you say "we always go to theirs" and "it's genuinely our turn to have them over"

So basically the whole thing is nonsense. You have been going to theirs. In which case, YABU because presumably (from the way you have phrased it) you are taking the 7 year old to theirs. You can't then say they can't bring their daughter to yours. The girl is eating food in her own home. It's up to her parents to decide whether to tell/ask her to go into another room and play on phone/watch film etc.

If they haven't been to yours for a while, maybe they won't bring her this time. Maybe she won't hog the food in your home (and anyway, surely that's very easily dealt with "Excuse me, Sarah, could you please pop the plate of veg back in the middle so everyone can help themselves? Thanks!"

However, I do agree that it is annoying to have a 15 year old hanging around and yes, there are plenty of topics you can't discuss in front of them (despite what people on here are saying). It's not just about shagging and anal beads and who knows what - but you often want to discuss worries about finances, the world, jobs, health etc.
We have a similar problem at the moment with a woman who brings her 17 year old to a hobby group. We have one hour each direction in the car where we are only allowed to talk about the 17 year old because the mother constantly directs the conversation. At the group she hangs around with us and the mother complains if the talk gets onto any adult topics such as when one of the group needed a shoulder operation and was talking about it. That wasn't suitable for the 17 year old's ears for example. It's difficult and hard to shake them off. There are other young people there she could talk to, but she doesn't. So I do get where you are coming from regarding that.

There's nothing you can do about it if you are going to their house. If they are coming to your house for the first time in a while (totally unclear based on what you have posted), you can set up some new ground rules if you like - such as plating up food, or just telling her to put the food back in the middle, or "leave some for someone else please, if there's any left when everyone has helped themselves you are welcome to have it" and then after the meal send her off to the living room - TV etc.

Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 12:25

tara66 · 04/12/2023 17:01

Perhaps friends actually bring DD because they don't want to hear all the stuff you ''can't say in front of 15 year old''?! What is it exactly she is not supposed to hear?

I’ve typed this quite a few times through the thread but it’s adult stuff - politics, inflation, gender issues, social media security, personal health, work and finances, talking about other parents or our own children and concerns that are affecting them or us. We can’t truly let down our hair during these discussions and I’m always guarded.
Batshit boring for a teenager and a lot of stuff which they don’t need to hear.

OP posts:
mantyzer · 05/12/2023 12:27

I would never talk about issues with my own children in front of other children. It is totally unfair to do so. So if other parents children are there it means I can never ever talk about normal parenting woes.

Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 12:45

hsapposhit · 05/12/2023 12:05

@Parentslife
Are they coming to yours or are you going to theirs?
Because all the way through the thread you describe it as though they are coming to yours and the 15 year old is eating all your food and hanging around and your son goes to bed at 7.30-8.30?
Then all of a sudden in this post, hidden pages into the thread, you say "we always go to theirs" and "it's genuinely our turn to have them over"

So basically the whole thing is nonsense. You have been going to theirs. In which case, YABU because presumably (from the way you have phrased it) you are taking the 7 year old to theirs. You can't then say they can't bring their daughter to yours. The girl is eating food in her own home. It's up to her parents to decide whether to tell/ask her to go into another room and play on phone/watch film etc.

If they haven't been to yours for a while, maybe they won't bring her this time. Maybe she won't hog the food in your home (and anyway, surely that's very easily dealt with "Excuse me, Sarah, could you please pop the plate of veg back in the middle so everyone can help themselves? Thanks!"

However, I do agree that it is annoying to have a 15 year old hanging around and yes, there are plenty of topics you can't discuss in front of them (despite what people on here are saying). It's not just about shagging and anal beads and who knows what - but you often want to discuss worries about finances, the world, jobs, health etc.
We have a similar problem at the moment with a woman who brings her 17 year old to a hobby group. We have one hour each direction in the car where we are only allowed to talk about the 17 year old because the mother constantly directs the conversation. At the group she hangs around with us and the mother complains if the talk gets onto any adult topics such as when one of the group needed a shoulder operation and was talking about it. That wasn't suitable for the 17 year old's ears for example. It's difficult and hard to shake them off. There are other young people there she could talk to, but she doesn't. So I do get where you are coming from regarding that.

There's nothing you can do about it if you are going to their house. If they are coming to your house for the first time in a while (totally unclear based on what you have posted), you can set up some new ground rules if you like - such as plating up food, or just telling her to put the food back in the middle, or "leave some for someone else please, if there's any left when everyone has helped themselves you are welcome to have it" and then after the meal send her off to the living room - TV etc.

Show quote history

I’ll post an update - there’s some inaccuracies there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 12:50

Ok there’s a lot of misinformation through the thread and accusations! I can’t reply to everyone but thank you for all the constructive comments - they’ve been very helpful!

The facts:

  • They are very close friends but we don’t think they will take this in the right way and finding it difficult to navigate. I’m about to post an update below.
  • We often go to theirs yes because they prefer it due to teenagers etc BUT we offer to have them over all the time too.
  • I was referring to the many times we’ve had them over to ours so yes she hogs the food at ours as well as at hers (I don’t care what she does in her own home)
  • There’s plenty of snacks for everyone and no I’m not starving my guests or the teenager! I just think her behaviour is typical for her age but inappropriate
  • We converted our garage into a rumpus but it’s geared towards a 7 year old, not teens but still, we do have a ‘kid space’ and she’d rather sit with us
  • My 7 year old DOES NOT understand or care about any of our conversation and finds us exceedingly boring as I would expect a teenager to. He just sits and watches a Disney movie in another room so hears nothing.
  • I DO NOT expect their daughter to babysit my son - in fact I have made it emphatically clear I don’t want her to and my son can go do something by himself.
  • I have offered to pay her to babysit him at their house, at her parents suggestion, but she has not wanted to
  • They live 10 minute walk away and she has an 18 year old sister so there’s no reason she can’t stay at home from a security perspective.
  • She does not have special needs and is an outgoing girl.
  • We actually really like her, she’s absolutely lovely but definitely a bit surly as she hits 15 and ‘too cool’
  • Our ‘adult chats’ are not about sex! I’m surprised this was even suggested.
  • We talk politics, inflation, gender issues, social media security, personal health, work and finances, talking about other parents or our own children and concerns that are affecting them or us. Might be a bit of swearing in there too 😂 We can’t truly let down our hair during these discussions and I’m always guarded.
  • We’re also drinking, not drunk but enough that I think it’s weird in front of the teenager - MY SON IS IN BED AT THIS STAGE

Batshit boring for a teenager and a lot of stuff which she doesn’t need to hear.

OP posts:
Chocoswirl · 05/12/2023 12:53

Tell her to bring a DVD she likes with her for after dinner / let her watch your TV.
Tell your son to amuse himself in his bedroom.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2023 12:55

As a tangent to this thread - 90% of posters on this thread agree (as I do) that topics of conversations for adults are often not appropriate for 17/18 yr olds. Makes me feel sick to agree with this, and then to think about the amount of 30 yr old men who go for 18 yr olds.

Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:02

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 07:07

So they are actually hosting you all the time? Then surely you’re the one hogging their food? You seem to begrudge this girl eating food in her own house and sitting at her own dining table. And now you also want her to entertain your 7yo. It sounds like you’re the CF here. Changing my vote to YABU.

Show quote history

We have them over a lot too! We’re close friends - they often prefer to have it at theirs due to having teenagers.
This issue is not about who’s hosting, it’s that they always bring their teen and she wants to hang out with us.
It’s weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:08

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 05/12/2023 08:30

So recently you've gone to theirs more than they've come to yours? When you go to their house, does their DD act in the same way (hang around the adult conversation/ eat all the snacks) or does she do her own thing in another room? Do you take your DS with you? What does he do?

Yes I probably didn’t explain we’ve had them over many times, but lately it’s been more at theirs.
They are coming over on the weekend and once again insist she comes.
She behaves the same at her house and my DS just goes off and watches TV.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:16

OVienna · 05/12/2023 10:06

"How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat."
Not sure how I missed this in the OP - duh.
Answer is simple: Get a babysitter when you go to theirs. They're probably making some sort of point. No, you can't ask them not to bring their DD when you expect to bring your child.

It’s totally different! My DS takes himself off with a movie or his Nintendo.
He can’t stay home alone and we haven’t been able to find a babysitter.
They understand this and they’re not petty like that or bringing her out of spite.

OP posts:
Pigsinpainauchocolat · 05/12/2023 13:18

AppropriateAdult · 04/12/2023 21:20

"I've been meaning to say to you, Sandra - I hope Lucy doesn't feel obliged to come over when you visit, I know she's at the age when hanging out with her parents' friends is probably the most boring thing on the world - we always love seeing her but if she's happier staying at home for the evening we won't be at all offended."

You'd have to get the tone exactly right, of course, but I think you could convey some version of the above without causing any offence.

Nice reply. Something like this or the pub idea is needed.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 05/12/2023 13:20

WulyJmpr · 04/12/2023 22:02

15 is fine to be taking part in political conversations. Perhaps you're worried in case she knows more than you?

HmmHmmHmm sure that'll be it.

Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:22

WillowCraft · 05/12/2023 10:10

You sound unreasonable. Yes it's annoying but you can't say anything. Why be so stingy on the food - just provide enough and it won't be an issue. I also don't get how you can say you really like her but then also say all the negative things you have. Sounds very two faced. Also I don't think there's much you can't say in front of a 15 year old that would be ok in front of a 7 year old? Steer clear of personal stuff and gossip, but a 15 year old is fine to listen to political discussion or talk about world affairs. The swearing I don't get. Presumably it's your husband who is swearing? Can't he control himself? I like a good swear myself but I can't imagine it would spoil my night out if I refrained for one evening.

It is 100% possible to like someone’s teenager and also 100% not want her tagging along to every adult invitation.
The age gap between her and my DS wasn’t a big deal until the last year.
They were happy spending time together but now it’s not working.

OP posts:
Pigsinpainauchocolat · 05/12/2023 13:23

I personally think there are very few things 15 yo aren’t aware of or can’t find out by themselves online for you to need to filter yourself around them.

Well yeah, but it's very different to be discussing life/sex/the world in general stuff that can be found online, from hearing that your mum/mums best friend wants to ride Tom Hardy like Seabiscuit isn't it? I imagine there is lots people would choose not to say around a teen!

OVienna · 05/12/2023 13:25

Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:16

It’s totally different! My DS takes himself off with a movie or his Nintendo.
He can’t stay home alone and we haven’t been able to find a babysitter.
They understand this and they’re not petty like that or bringing her out of spite.

Show quote history

You see it that way - they may not or not feel able to say, just like you don't feel you can tell them you'd prefer not to have their daughter around.

If you read my previous posts, I don't think you are being at all unreasonable not wanting her around. I support that totally.

Not sure what to suggest at this point tbh - hope the communication improves between you guys. We have good friends we've had to have very direct conversations with over the years - it's tricky, I hate confrontation, but we did make it through!

Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:31

HaveToHaveTheLastWord · 04/12/2023 22:07

What's wrong with you that you feel the need to make a character assassination of a 15 year old child on a public forum? How vile! 🙄

Fortunately most of the people responding agree with me. I never ever assassinated her character - her behaviour is off putting but we very much like her.
We also like to have conversations without kids eavesdropping - it’s not that hard of a concept to grasp

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:36

OVienna · 05/12/2023 13:25

You see it that way - they may not or not feel able to say, just like you don't feel you can tell them you'd prefer not to have their daughter around.

If you read my previous posts, I don't think you are being at all unreasonable not wanting her around. I support that totally.

Not sure what to suggest at this point tbh - hope the communication improves between you guys. We have good friends we've had to have very direct conversations with over the years - it's tricky, I hate confrontation, but we did make it through!

Show quote history

Yes thank you for your comments in support :)

it is fair to suggest we get a babysitter for our DS next time - you could be right and maybe secretly they don’t like it 🤔
There’s been a lot of great insights on this thread especially as we don’t have a teenager yet so we’ll try and be more understanding.
I feel sorry for the daughter, but perhaps there is a reason behind her coming over that we don’t know.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/12/2023 13:41

The only thing I've found is to do something where kids aren't old enough.

Babysitters then for all.

OVienna · 05/12/2023 13:42

@Parentslife I would get a babysitter once and then see if they bring their DD the next time. If they don't bring her - you have your answer. If they do, you'd be in a much better position to say let's try for 'adults only.'

Original poster
Parentslife · 05/12/2023 13:50

SO UPDATE

  • Last time we invited them, DH said something like, ‘Don’t feel like DD has to come over to babysit DS, she must find that so boring!’ Nope, she came and arrived 20 minutes before her parents.
  • We have just invited them this weekend and decided to try the following line, ‘We’re going to put DS to bed a bit earlier this time, so we can have more adult time.’
  • Their response was, ‘Well DD will walk home when DS goes to bed then.’
OP posts:
Scruffington · 05/12/2023 13:55

That sounds like a result.

CharlotteBog · 05/12/2023 13:55

She arrived before her parents? What did you even do in that 20 mins?
It all seems rather odd if she has been explicitly told she is not needed to babysit your son as has previously happened.

OVienna · 05/12/2023 13:55

Groan. This is the trouble with not being direct. I get it - I'd probably have done the same.

AppropriateAdult · 05/12/2023 14:04

They sound a bit slow at picking up social cues… But from those last updates it does seem like they bring her as company for your son, even though that’s not how it actually pans out. Any chance he could be having a sleepover elsewhere some night?

HamBone · 05/12/2023 14:06

Just saw your update, OP. FFS, they really can’t take a hint, can they?! 😂

It sounds as if the DD really enjoys your company if she’s arriving 20 minutes before her parents, which is rather nice, but that doesn’t solve the issue. I think you’re stuck with the current situation until she decides that she doesn’t want to come along anymore.