Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 23:51

Whatever the rights and wrongs I really don’t want to socialise on a weekend night with friends with their teens there. If it’s a pre agreed family type event or day time that’s absolutely fine but not adult evening social time. Pretty sure the majority of adults feel the same.

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 23:55

It’s like bringing a husband on a girls night. Even though smiles are plastered on 90% will be thinking “oh do sod off”.

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 23:57

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 23:55

It’s like bringing a husband on a girls night. Even though smiles are plastered on 90% will be thinking “oh do sod off”.

Sarah: 'Do you mind if I bring James along?'

Everyone else in the friends group: 'Yes, we do mind!'

fingerguns · 05/12/2023 00:07

"Alrighty kiddo, it's adult time now. Off to the living room and you can watch a film/TV show/latest TikTok trend".

Get the parent(s) on board, too.

mantyzer · 05/12/2023 00:10

@Findinganewme do you really not see the issue with this?

Icopewhenihope · 05/12/2023 00:13

Nah, my 15 year old would rather set herself on fire than accompany us to visit our friends and even if she did come she would be given short shrift if we were talking. I actually cannot imagine bringing her either. Why in earth would I? She is old enough to stay at home rather than me bringing her in tow like a toddler. Ridiculous.

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2023 00:18

Agree. On the rare occasions my 15 year old is in when we are out she is perfectly happy doing beauty treatments/ face timing her mates or watching Netflix. Why would she want to sit with a load of adults as the only teen? It’s very odd.

WoollyRosebud · 05/12/2023 05:51

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 22:43

It’s the parents fault though. What on earth were your parents thinking Woolley? It’s never been ok to bring your child to an adult dinner party I’m nearly 50 and my parents were extremely sociable and had and went to numerous dinner parties - this NEVER happened it would have been weird.

I agree, don’t know if anything was said to them but it never happened again. I’ve been pissed off as an adult when guests turn up with their offspring to events but would never let the kids know. It’s rude and not the child’s fault if their parents are obtuse.

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 07:07

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 16:11

So we always go to theirs because it works better but it’s genuinely our turn to have them over.
The girl doesn’t have special needs, she’s a lovely bright girl and we like her!
Their home is only a few streets away from ours.

Show quote history

So they are actually hosting you all the time? Then surely you’re the one hogging their food? You seem to begrudge this girl eating food in her own house and sitting at her own dining table. And now you also want her to entertain your 7yo. It sounds like you’re the CF here. Changing my vote to YABU.

tachycardigan · 05/12/2023 07:09

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

Why have you said they’re always bringing their teenage when they’re the ones hosting YOU most of the time?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 05/12/2023 08:30

So recently you've gone to theirs more than they've come to yours? When you go to their house, does their DD act in the same way (hang around the adult conversation/ eat all the snacks) or does she do her own thing in another room? Do you take your DS with you? What does he do?

spriots · 05/12/2023 08:38

@Linning - for me, it's not so much that I filter myself around a teenager as that sometimes I just want to talk to my actual friends. I like their children but they aren't my friends.

Put it this way - do you not sometimes want to go out with just your DH and talk just to him? Do you not sometimes want to go out with friend A and chat to them about the things friend A wants to talk about? When in a restaurant, are you fine for the couple next to you to join in your conversation? Why not? You don't have to filter yourself do you? They are adults too, why not include them?

Do you see what I mean? Sometimes you just want to talk to who you want to talk to.

Normalweirdo · 05/12/2023 08:52

I feel sorry for the girl. She's obviously not enjoying being there. So she either being made to be there by her parents or has no friends of her own or has crippling teen anxiety in which she still wants to be securely with her parents but at the same time feels sad and ashamed that that is her social life.

She doesn't know what to do with herself in this situation so sits picking at the food.

I think you need to give her a break when she's there and you could organise some adult nights out to compensate for the night spent in her company. And ask friends if daughter is OK. Say she can't possibly enjoy hanging out with you all. Suggest coffee through the day with friends if they need to chat.

LanaL · 05/12/2023 08:55

Firstly, are there any additional needs? Might be just me but I find it a bit odd that a teenager would actually want to spend the evening with adults and a 7 year old rather than have the house to herself! So Is there a reason the parents wont leave her at home ? Maybe add this in to conversation to get a feel for it , just say “ I’m surprised xxx hasn’t kicked up a fuss about having to spend the evening with a little child and us boring adults , at that age I would have been excited to have the house to myself! “ say it in a light hearted way and you may learn reasons why , the parents may think she’s too young and having another adult think it’s ok might help them to allow it or even the teenager might not have thought about that and when you say it , it might peak her interest ! It’s tricky as if there is a reason she doesn’t stay home alone , maybe she’s nervous , then the parents can’t really arrange a babysitter for her as that might make her feel like she’s a ‘baby’.

Other than that though, I don’t think you can really suggest a child free night if your child is there because if their child is the only child that comes then that will most certainly look like you’re simply saying you don’t want her there

TheBerry · 05/12/2023 09:02

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:50

She ignores my son which is quite confusing for him and sits with us so we can’t have adult conversation.

Tbf it’s not the 15yo’s responsibility to entertain / talk to your son. I can’t imagine their have a huge amount in common with the difference in age and gender. As long as she’s not rude or hostile (more so than just the normal teenage aloofness you’ve described) then I don’t see that there’s any problem?

spriots · 05/12/2023 09:22

TheBerry · 05/12/2023 09:02

Tbf it’s not the 15yo’s responsibility to entertain / talk to your son. I can’t imagine their have a huge amount in common with the difference in age and gender. As long as she’s not rude or hostile (more so than just the normal teenage aloofness you’ve described) then I don’t see that there’s any problem?

Show quote history

I think it is rude to go to someone's house and completely ignore one member of the household though?

TheBerry · 05/12/2023 09:48

spriots · 05/12/2023 09:22

I think it is rude to go to someone's house and completely ignore one member of the household though?

Show quote history

Sounds like she’s ignoring everyone equally!

It’s rude, but not openly hostile or aggressive - I do think that can just be a teenage thing unfortunately. Shyness, insecurity, mental health issues… all can manifest in that way.

She’s not talking to anyone by the sounds of things, but she’s not specifically targeting the son or being a dick to him or anything. I think it’s a bit rich to ban someone from your house just for not being chatty!

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 05/12/2023 09:53

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 15:42

When I was a teen (in the 90s) if my parents had friends over I’d be expected to pop into the room, smile and say hello, answer a couple of questions about how I was getting on at school etc. and then skedaddle.

Hanging out with my parents and their friends would not have been on my agenda. At all. And I'd never in a million years have accompanied them to their friends’ house.

Totally. I just can't understand these parents bringing her along and the teen agreeing to it! It seems so odd to me.

chocaholic33 · 05/12/2023 09:54

I think it’s either going to have to be a completely child free occasion or accept that each of you have a child there. Realistically in the next year or so the 15y/o won’t want to attend/sit with you all and will go off and do her own thing so maybe just bide your time until this stage passes. Equally in a few years time your DS may want to sit with you all. The 15y/o not being very talkative is prob normal behaviour for some girls of that age, she maybe just doesnt want to be at home without parents - there could be a number of reasons but age 15 and age 7 are hugely different so can’t really compare their behaviour.

OVienna · 05/12/2023 10:06

"How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat."
Not sure how I missed this in the OP - duh.
Answer is simple: Get a babysitter when you go to theirs. They're probably making some sort of point. No, you can't ask them not to bring their DD when you expect to bring your child.

WillowCraft · 05/12/2023 10:10

You sound unreasonable. Yes it's annoying but you can't say anything. Why be so stingy on the food - just provide enough and it won't be an issue. I also don't get how you can say you really like her but then also say all the negative things you have. Sounds very two faced. Also I don't think there's much you can't say in front of a 15 year old that would be ok in front of a 7 year old? Steer clear of personal stuff and gossip, but a 15 year old is fine to listen to political discussion or talk about world affairs. The swearing I don't get. Presumably it's your husband who is swearing? Can't he control himself? I like a good swear myself but I can't imagine it would spoil my night out if I refrained for one evening.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/12/2023 10:22

I think you either need to make these meet ups childfree or not. A 15 year old won't want to hang out with a 7 year old, it's really unrealistic to expect them to entertain each other.

spriots · 05/12/2023 10:38

TheBerry · 05/12/2023 09:48

Sounds like she’s ignoring everyone equally!

It’s rude, but not openly hostile or aggressive - I do think that can just be a teenage thing unfortunately. Shyness, insecurity, mental health issues… all can manifest in that way.

She’s not talking to anyone by the sounds of things, but she’s not specifically targeting the son or being a dick to him or anything. I think it’s a bit rich to ban someone from your house just for not being chatty!

Show quote history

I agree it's not aggressive, I was disagreeing with the idea that it wasn't rude, I think it is rude to go to someone's house and ignore them.

I think for teenagers, it can be acceptable for them to take themselves off (with the agreement of the host) to watch TV or play on a tablet or whatever but sitting with the adults silently is rude

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 05/12/2023 11:06

HaveToHaveTheLastWord · 04/12/2023 22:07

What's wrong with you that you feel the need to make a character assassination of a 15 year old child on a public forum? How vile! 🙄

What a ridiculous post

TheBerry · 05/12/2023 11:28

spriots · 05/12/2023 10:38

I agree it's not aggressive, I was disagreeing with the idea that it wasn't rude, I think it is rude to go to someone's house and ignore them.

I think for teenagers, it can be acceptable for them to take themselves off (with the agreement of the host) to watch TV or play on a tablet or whatever but sitting with the adults silently is rude

Show quote history

Not as rude/weird as asking them not to bring her just because she’s not talking. Imagine! “We don’t like how your daughter just sits there without talking, so please don’t bring her in future.”

I think just accept she’s a teenager and ignore the silence?

If she starts being hostile, abusive, bullying, some other kind of antisocial behaviour… that’s a different story. But she’s literally just sitting there without talking.

I find it astonishing that anyone would want to ban a teen from coming round because of that!