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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want DSIL's cat locked in room away from DC

438 replies

onesleepyma · 03/12/2023 21:16

My DSIL has no kids but she does have a cat, who is her absolute world. Because the cat is a rescue he can't be locked in a room due to his previous trauma (I think?) so always needs to be roaming free in the house. The cat also, from the times I've visited, seems quite reluctant to be touched, can hiss if you come too near. Quite an unfriendly cat. Also a very fluffy cat.

For Xmas we are all going to my ILs house, me, my 2 DC, DH, DSIL and the cat. My kids are 11 months and 2.5. DC1 isn't always going to listen to instructions like "don't touch the cat" or "don't come near the cat" and DC2 is newly walking, leans on furniture when walking so there's a HIGH chance that one of the DCs will be hissed at or worse scratched by this cat. The only way to avoid it is to be 24/7 watching, not sit down for a minute for me and DH. DSIL says leaving him at home isnt an option because " the cat to her is what my DC are to me" (her words). locking him in a room, even for just xmas dinner so i can eat, is "cruel". The parents wont address it because DSIL is sad that shes single and this kitten is making her happy so they dont want to disturb that.

we are there for 2 full days, 3 nights. DH wont address it for similar reasons that PIL wont.

OP posts:
Flower212 · 03/12/2023 22:48

Yabu, the cat can’t be locked in a room. However I do find it’s odd she’s bringing the cat as they don’t like to be away from their home environment, is she also staying 3 nights?

Scirocco · 03/12/2023 22:48

Yabu.

You're a guest, you can choose not to stay there. Book a room in a nearby hotel and just watch your children when you're at the house. Or choose not to go.

It's a cat, not a man-eating lion. It's likely to want as little to do with your children as possible. And if it does get too close, cats are pretty small - move it.

oakleaffy · 03/12/2023 22:48

SoupDragon · 03/12/2023 22:37

We have a cat which can sometimes be temperamental and often tries to nip. It wouldn't hide away from guests.

This cat does not appear to have ever nipped or scratched, just hissed.

It is not going to be in its own territory, unlike your cat or when this one is at home.

Agree...a cat not in his or her own territory will be on the back foot- and will be seeking to escape from loud noises and unfamiliar people.

A cat on it's OWN territory can get defensive if a dog comes onto it's territory- but they usually leave people well alone.

HeckyPeck · 03/12/2023 22:50

I'm surprised at posters saying the cat will hide. We have a cat which can sometimes be temperamental and often tries to nip. It wouldn't hide away from guests.

I think it's likely to hide because it's being taken to someone else's house. Whenever I've move house, my cats have all hidden for the first day or so.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 22:51

I’m more concerned about the cat tbh - it’s a traumatised rescue being taken to an unfamiliar house full of people and children? How stupid can your sister be?

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 22:52

SIL

Lemoncurd · 03/12/2023 22:52

Pippik · 03/12/2023 21:30

If the cat is not in it's own home I imagine it will feel safer locked in a room anyway. Most rooms are significantly bigger than a cattery "room".
It's a cat, it will survive. Babies and toddlers come first and if it was my cat I would not risk a child being swiped, scratched or bitten.
We have a cat visiting us at Christmas, it will be shut in a room throughout with food and water and a warm bed. That's really all a cat needs.

Surely a cat being taken to a new place should be shut in one room. Much less stressful for them and allows them to mark it with their scent to show them it is a safe place before being allowed to explore further. Don't they advise you keep them in one room for a week or so when moving house for this reason?

frogswimming · 03/12/2023 22:56

Well. They'll only get scratched once won't they!

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2023 22:58

Was it you who started the very long thread mocking your SIL because she was alone and infertile, and had got herself a cat?
And you thought she shouldn't be so keen on her cat?

Was that you, OP?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2023 23:00

"DSIL says leaving him at home isnt an option because " the cat to her is what my DC are to me" (her words). locking him in a room, even for just xmas dinner so i can eat, is "cruel". The parents wont address it because DSIL is sad that shes single and this kitten is making her happy so they dont want to disturb that."

Your SIL is an idiot. Her cat is more likely to be distressed by being taken to an unfamiliar home than it is if it were left at home with a neighbour coming in to feed it.

Her decision to bring the cat is not for the benefit of the cat. She's making the point that she has more power over your parent-in-law than you and your husband do, and that what she says, goes. You might have the grandchildren they want to see, but she's got the PIL deferring to her and her alone.

"DH wont address it for similar reasons that PIL wont."

"... DH would under no circumstances agree to threaten that we don't go"

Time for a discussion with DH, then. Make the point to him that the cat is off its own territory and likely to be spooked by that. Where are his lines in the sand? Will he agree to go home if the children are hurt by the cat? What about him, will he be hovering within arms length to protect them, or will he be fucking off to watch TV and expect all vigilance to fall to you?

The pair of you need to discuss this fully. I'm guessing he's going to be defensive if you mention his sad-to-be-single-sister, so don't mention her AT ALL. Keep all the discussion on the cat and the cat's behaviour, and how to ensure cat and children have zero physical contact. And make him realise that that's going to take serious effort on BOTH your parts, not just on your part.

notaephron · 03/12/2023 23:01

You can't compare cat's reaction in it's own house - "cat just sat there and hissed as I neared a sofa she was sitting on" - and cat's reaction in a house that is not it's own. As PP's have said, cats hate change in terms of house moves etc and generally takes them ages to settle.

I say this kindly as a cat owner who also has two infant DC of similar ages - your SIL sounds mental to compare her cat to a DC, but you're also being precious.

You will have to watch your kids like a hawk anyway at that age in someone else's house, and it's good for them to learn young how to deal with animals, and specifically that not all animals are for petting without checking.

As PP's have said, the cat's more likely to be away hiding somewhere anyway than around all the time, especially with unpredictable toddler around.

If you really wanted to do something in advance, you might note to SIL that given she knows her cat's more aggressive than most, she is legally responsible as it's keeper for making sure it doesn't cause any harm to your kids. Might mean she's at least a bit more aware of also being on her feet / keeping cat in check while kids are about, or looking at distractions for cat, feliway calming sprays etc.

billy1966 · 03/12/2023 23:02

OP, stay at home.

The cat is more important than your children to their grandparents.

You have two small children that cannot be expected to follow instructions like stay away from the cat at 2.5 and 11months.

The alternative is to keep the children in a playpen or in your arms at all times.

Staying at home is easier if your husband doesn't care enough about his children to ensure their safety, and is afraid of his parents and sister's reaction to the request for the cat not to be allowed in the same space as them.

What a prince.

As a mother this isn't a difficult decision.
Stay home where your children are safe.

AllisColm · 03/12/2023 23:02

Are you saying that your SIL is bringing the cat to her parents's house for the day?

WonderingWanda · 03/12/2023 23:02

My cat likes to attack people and I do shut him upstairs when we have visitors, especially children because otherwise he will plonk him self in the middle of all the noise and chaos and then very likely bite someone, he gets anxious and defensive. Its better all round for him to have a nice sleep on my bed rather than be downstairs getting all twitchy. I once caught him about to sink his teeth into a toddler neck. It is ridiculous that she is taking her cat for Christmas dinner especially as it cannot be shut away. Although, presumably it can cope with the confines of a cat carrier with no problem in order to be transported to Christmas dinner? If I were you I would book a hotel and just visit for short periods. Explain that it would be far too stressful trying to keep very small children away from the cat. You don't need your dh's permission to say this, you can just decide as a parent that this situation isn't acceptable and this is how you will manage it. By the way cat scratches can get infected and cat bites need antibiotics. Babies and toddlers cannot realistically be expected to learn not to touch a cat....unless they learn through getting attacked and being in fear.

sandyhappypeople · 03/12/2023 23:05

I think you may be overthinking it a little, If it was me I'd make sure there is a baby gate up somewhere downstairs along with a place that the cat can go that is out the way of anyone so the kids can't follow it/pester it, if it wants to get away from them it should be able to.

I'm not a cat person, but I've known quite a few people with cats, some of which were quite highly strung to say the least (the cats not the people), but with children and babies the cats were inexplicably really placid, almost like they know they are vulnerable and not a threat to them? Obviously you don't know what it's going to be like, but if the cat is hissing at a child in the same room as it for no real reason then I'd be on at SIL to remove it from that room, rather then remove your children, you're right in that you shouldn't have to be treading on eggshells the whole time you're then when it is actually the cat that is the 'problem', so just keep on at her if it happens.

Saying that, you do need to teach your eldest to respect the cat, and not encroach on it's space, I've got a 2.5 years old and we've got dogs and she is perfectly capable of understanding that when they are in their beds, they are to be left alone, she does need reminding at times, but she understands.

Don't make the grandparents pick between the two as it's not fair, you can all cohabit safely for a few days if you're all on top of the risks.

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 23:07

I usually roll my eyes inwardly a little at people who regard pets as their children, but it's a bit unfair IMO to subject a rescue cat with prior trauma to a situation known to cause it considerable distress just because you can't be arsed to watch your kids.

Prettybubblesintheair · 03/12/2023 23:09

So the worst that can happen to your kids is that they get hissed at or scratched? So!? They’ll live fgs…and hopefully learn the importance of leaving animals alone unless they want to interact with you.

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 23:10

Ok, so it is really odd to take your cat to someone else’s house for Christmas dinner. Cat would be much happier left at home for the day on its own, it doesn’t know it’s Christmas and won’t care.

Jesus, read the fucking OP! They're staying for three nights.

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 23:12

Its the cats himeji. Of course it's freely roaming around

Keep am eye on your child ( as you should ) no drama needed

SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 23:13

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 23:12

Its the cats himeji. Of course it's freely roaming around

Keep am eye on your child ( as you should ) no drama needed

What's a himeji? 😂

If you mean home, it's not the cat's home as they're going to the PIL's house.

FictionalCharacter · 03/12/2023 23:16

onesleepyma · 03/12/2023 21:25

When I've visited SIL before, the cat just sat there and hissed as I neared a sofa that she was sitting on. It's a 3 seater sofa, I tried to sit on one end (not knowing the hat is so hostile) while the cat was sitting on the opposite end. He didn't move rooms. Just stayed there.

Happened on other occasions too. The cat just hisses a lot when you come into his vicinity.

Show quote history

Surely being hissed at isn’t a problem? The cat’s telling you to keep your distance. If your kids didn’t understand that and approached it, it would be more likely to run away than scratch. It’s likely to be more timid in someone else’s house anyway, and more likely to hide. It’s away from its home territory.

Are you quite sure that SIL is “sad that she’s single”? That’s pretty patronising. Plenty of single women have pets, and they’re not sad characters that see their cat as a replacement for a partner/ children. They’re just normal people who love their pets like anyone else.

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2023 23:19

You've got a thing about your SIL and her cat, OP.

Tourmalines · 03/12/2023 23:22

You are over reacting. First off , no one knows how the cat will react . It’s going to be in a strange home with noisy kids . It will either take itself off somewhere quite or maybe hang around . If the latter, it may or may not hiss or scratch but that’s where you as the parents need to watch over your kids as that’s what you would be doing anyway. I think you are making mountains out of molehills .

grumpycow1 · 03/12/2023 23:23

Cat left at SIL home or you don’t stay. DH needs to step up.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 03/12/2023 23:23

Fuck that. Fuck her and fuck the cat.

DH can go but there is no way in hell I'd be going. Christmas is a time to relax and enjoy the comforts.

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