To want DSIL's cat locked in room away from DC

[onesleepyma]

My DSIL has no kids but she does have a cat, who is her absolute world. Because the cat is a rescue he can't be locked in a room due to his previous trauma (I think?) so always needs to be roaming free in the house. The cat also, from the times I've visited, seems quite reluctant to be touched, can hiss if you come too near. Quite an unfriendly cat. Also a very fluffy cat.

For Xmas we are all going to my ILs house, me, my 2 DC, DH, DSIL and the cat. My kids are 11 months and 2.5. DC1 isn't always going to listen to instructions like "don't touch the cat" or "don't come near the cat" and DC2 is newly walking, leans on furniture when walking so there's a HIGH chance that one of the DCs will be hissed at or worse scratched by this cat. The only way to avoid it is to be 24/7 watching, not sit down for a minute for me and DH. DSIL says leaving him at home isnt an option because " the cat to her is what my DC are to me" (her words). locking him in a room, even for just xmas dinner so i can eat, is "cruel". The parents wont address it because DSIL is sad that shes single and this kitten is making her happy so they dont want to disturb that.

we are there for 2 full days, 3 nights. DH wont address it for similar reasons that PIL wont.

Totally agree that SIL should not be taking the cat with her. Any cat would feel unsettled & nervy in a strange house with extra people, let alone a cat with past trauma.

SIL needs to leave him at home for the day & either go home herself later that night or get one of the automatic pet feeders which are perfectly fine for a couple of days.

My friend's youngish Rottweiler is like this (still) @sheeplikessleep I find it unsettling when I visit her & I'm a grown woman who used to be a vet nurse 🤣 people forget how small children are & how big some breeds of dog are i think! I also dont want someone's dog jumping all over me & covering me with slobber tbh. Dogs can be so needy it gets on my nerves when they arent trained properly or shut away if they can't behave when guests are over.

I'm not saying out of sight, I'm saying playing in the same room but without me having to be at arms length from them at all times. Ie I'd be able to eat whilst the baby plays with blocks on the floor

They just shouldn’t be moving the cat, having a competition about whether the cat being locked up or the toddler being possibly hissed at is pointless. Keeping cats in single rooms when they’re moved is standard practice, but they should be getting a good sitter and not upending the cat’s life for this. Cats are generally reactively dangerous (ie if a toddler pulls their tail, they will get scratched) whereas dogs can be dangerous even by just being friendly - a 45-kilo pit bull could be the nicest being in the universe and still push a toddler over. If the cat is in its house it won’t be happy to be confined indoors but it’s going to live. It’s hissing to protect both itself and the toddler - in Cat that’s basically “I’m feeling threatened, please go no further” to a human. IMO the cat should be locked up but with all mod cons - favourite toy, loads of food, litter tray, both for the sake of th toddler and cat. Easier for everyone.

Absolutely bonkers carting cats to other people's houses, most of them would hate that. Mine have an electronic cat flap and a controlled food provider, I can safely leave them for a couple of days - the only exception being if we'd had a dry spell and I was worried about their chances of finding water, but that's not usually a concern in England!

I don't wholly agree with those saying the cat will hide, though. Of my current two, one would definitely hide, either on or under a bed, but the other is inherently nosy (I think he has FOMO) and will wind himself in and out of strangers legs, follow them to the toilet, sit on them at the first opportunity and miaow if he doesn't think he is receiving enough attention etc.

Yes and my SIL is now refusing to talk to me after suggesting we go out for lunch and seems to think I have a fear of dogs (I don’t, just their German shepherd and not being able to stop him putting his jaws around my DSs hands and arms 🙈🤷‍♀️). Absolute insanity that I’ve now massively offended her.
Love my cats, but totally appreciate they are our cats and friends / family may feel very different!)

I don’t think you know very much about cats OP 😂
Oh well. Enjoy the pointless argument and bad feeling you’re about to start with your family I guess. Merry Christmas!

SIL should leave the cat at home, it will be much happier in it’s own environment than carted to a strange house with a load of strange people.

I also think you’re over estimating the risk to your DC from the cat. A hiss should be a warning they quickly learn to respect. And it might want to dominate its own territory at home when you visit, but will most likely lurk in your IL’s place with all the noise and folk about.

I’m sorry but you can’t compare a German Shepherd to a cat! A dog could kill a child for a start.

What’s the bet that the cat dashes through the first open door / window it sees, and you all spend the best part of Christmas Day hunting the streets for it

I wasn’t saying exactly the same. Just saying dynamics of pets versus family visiting are the same. I’m also not asking my SIL to get rid of their dog. I’m asking her can we organise a meet up somewhere else for lunch and been honest as to why and even this has massively offended.

If the cat is reluctant to be touched like you say then it will more than likely avoid your DC anyway. Plus keeping an eye on them 24/7 when in a new environment is normal anyway I’d say.

YABU to suggest she locks the cat away just so you can then not have to watch your DC, you are aware of the reasons for this not being an option so yes it would be cruel.

I think you’re overthinking this; the cat will no doubt steer clear of young children so as long as your DC aren’t allowed to chase/corner it then it should be fine to just keep an eye out.

Being carted off to a strange house is going to be massively stressful for a nervous rescue cat. If she cares about its welfare, your SIL would be far better off finding a friend or neighbour to pop in and feed/keep it company at home for the duration.

YABU
It's your job as a parent to supervise your children, keep them safe, and ensure they're not touching things that could harm them, that includes animals/pets.
It's never too young to teach children what is safe or not safe to touch.

From reading this it looks like your DSIL does not live with your ILs and so leaving the cat at home is perfectly reasonable. In fact, most cats would not take kindly to being taken here and there to different houses. FWIW I dont think any right thinking cat would get near a toddler - mine certainly wouldn't - but unless you are going to the house where it lives, it is not unreasonable to not want it there.

Surely the cats going to fecking hate being taken to a new house?

Mine would be sat under a bed somewhere for the duration freaked out of her mind with new smells and noises.

I think it's not good for the cat being carted around but I don't think you can threaten not to go for Christmas because of a cat.

Your children will be fine. I have a 15 year old cat (who is a grouchy old cow) and a 3 year old cat who is wild. I also have a 6 year old that survived the grumpy old cat.

You're otherthinking a bit, the cat will piss off out of the way.

That would be the dream!
My DCs and I will go off to "look for the cat" on our own I think, perhaps at a playground 😂

It isn't the cats home though. The SIL is taking the cat to her parents house. If the cat is that timid though it will probably find itself somewhere to hide from lots of people

SIL IBU to take the cat to stay - cats hate being in new locations and if it has a traumatic background it’ll likely be more upset by this. Cat should be left at home with a sitter.

YABU for insisting it is shut in a room so that you don’t have to bother to make sure your kids aren’t harassing it.

It may be because I’m oversensitive and my cats are my family but if I found out that my SIL referred to my cat running away as a dream scenario for her to get some sneaky playground time in with the kids, I’d probably be seeing her a lot less in future, thus solving the entire issue.

You could lock your kids in a room instead! That will keep the cat safe and happy!!!

This. Keep your children away from the cat.

@CaptainMyCaptain the cat literally does not live there.

SIL's cat at PIL's house. SIL is a grownup and lives separately

Keep the doors shut on any room the kids are in and the cat free to roam the rest of the house

I realised that and edited my post.