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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I make my husband leave me?

140 replies

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:14

I'm desperate for him to leave me. He seems so irritated by me and the kids and I would find things easier if he wasn't around all the time. I don't love him I don't think.

But if leave him he will make everything impossible. He "jokes" that he will tell everyone I'm a drunk. He has made comments about "winning" if we split. He's v petty.

If he leaves me, we will manage things. He's v good with the kids and we can co parent together I believe. But if I leave him, I suspect the kids will suffer as a result of DH putting me through hell and courts

Am I being totally mad to try and get him to leave me? Just stop making any effort. Am I being really ridiculous or could that ever work?

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:16

Have sex with someone else.

Or you know, just leave him.

Original poster
JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:18

@Sapphire387 both of those things would trigger incredibly revengeful behaviour from him and the kids will be put through hell.

If he leaves me, he'll feel guilty and be reasonable.

I'm clutching at straws here maybe

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 03/12/2023 21:19

Just undercut the drama and go and see a solicitor. Job done.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:19

I think you need to just own it op, and end your marriage and not play games.

xsquared · 03/12/2023 21:19

You need to leave him.

Don't play games and hope he will leave you, As it will probably backfire on you and you could be waiting a while if he knows you're manufacturing a situation for him to do that.

I hope you get sorted.

Original poster
JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 03/12/2023 21:22

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:18

@Sapphire387 both of those things would trigger incredibly revengeful behaviour from him and the kids will be put through hell.

If he leaves me, he'll feel guilty and be reasonable.

I'm clutching at straws here maybe

He sounds awful tbh. Do you still have sex with him? No need to answer if too personal, but I'd be inclined to stop, personally. But as another poster has said, get yourself a good solicitor, he's intimidating you but he won't always have this sort of a hold on you.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:23

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

I think maybe you’re not being rational any more, if you make your marriage so bad he has to end it, the children suffer during that and you’re still going through court.

Summerisawashout · 03/12/2023 21:23

I think posters are missing the point and assuming DH is a reasonable person. Living with someone who is narcissistic, spiteful, manipulative and mean, means they won't play fair and as OP points out, she's likely to be punished if she makes the first move to leave.

It's worth a try OP, ideally he meets someone else to speed up the process

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 21:23

The amount of women I read here who feel they don't have any agency in their own life is really upsetting.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/12/2023 21:23

Get a lawyers letter instructing him to leave the family home as you are separating.

Verybadbride · 03/12/2023 21:23

You are making the mistake of trying to manage his behaviour through your own actions.

You cannot ensure he behaves in a particular way; you cannot appease him to ensure he behaves well, you cannot tie yourself in knots so that he is reasonable. If he wants to be an arsehole, he'll be an arsehole. You cannot engineer the circumstances of your split in the hope that if you do it "right" he'll behave well but if you do it "wrong" he'll behave badly.

You need to leave him and accept that he'll behave however he wants. Think about what your kids are learning about relationships from you both, if you stay.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:24

Summerisawashout · 03/12/2023 21:23

I think posters are missing the point and assuming DH is a reasonable person. Living with someone who is narcissistic, spiteful, manipulative and mean, means they won't play fair and as OP points out, she's likely to be punished if she makes the first move to leave.

It's worth a try OP, ideally he meets someone else to speed up the process

What’s worth a try, you don’t seem to have mentioned ways to make her marriage so awful from his perspective he has to divorce.

Aintnosupermum · 03/12/2023 21:26

Stop having sex with him. Get your own bank account if you don’t already have one with some of your pay put into that separate account so you can hire a solicitor to build a plan for how you leave him.

You can’t control him, only yourself. Leave with your dignity and a plan for how to divorce this man.

SuperGreens · 03/12/2023 21:26

Develop an illness, probably the only way without incurring wrath.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/12/2023 21:26

Your children are living in a home with parents that don't love each other and don't particularly like each other by the sound of it. Damage will already be being done now and you want to drag things out longer and make things even more awkward? You're not being rational here. You need to make the move to leave.

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 21:26

Stop making any effort at all for him. Be that his washing or dinner, or even how your dress/make up when dossing at home (if you do) don’t have sex with him. Maybe start loudly farting infront of him. Make yourself not desirable to him and hope he takes off with another women basically.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:29

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 21:26

Stop making any effort at all for him. Be that his washing or dinner, or even how your dress/make up when dossing at home (if you do) don’t have sex with him. Maybe start loudly farting infront of him. Make yourself not desirable to him and hope he takes off with another women basically.

Who ends a marriage as the other person farts 😂

C1N1C · 03/12/2023 21:32

Just stop sex altogether... guys have a low tolerance for that.

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 21:33

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 21:29

Who ends a marriage as the other person farts 😂

Show quote history

I mean not the farting alone but if you add it all together he might find her repulsive 🤞😂

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 21:34

I completely ignored my exdh. Watched tv upstairs every night. Took kids out in day. Basically acted like he wasn't worth speaking to. He got sick of this and decided to stay at his mums to 'show me what I'm missing' I changed the locks. Met him in a pub and told him it was over. Bought him out the mortgage and never looked back.

ChanelNo19EDT · 03/12/2023 21:36

I know what you mean op. My x hated me for leaving him. I left with nothing, debts and dependents and still he hated me, for years if you asked him now 17 years later, he'd still hate me. If only he'd been the one to make the decision.
Ideas.
Another pregnancy,not really obviously
Find religion
Be sick so he has to look after kids more
Tell him you are having tests to see if you have MS, OR describe the symptoms and make him think I've got to end this before I look like the bad guy

ALightOverThere · 03/12/2023 21:36

Just leave him. He’s not going to leave you while he can enjoy provoking you. He might be a shit, you’re right- let your lawyer deal with it.

samqueens · 03/12/2023 21:38

Verybadbride · 03/12/2023 21:23

You are making the mistake of trying to manage his behaviour through your own actions.

You cannot ensure he behaves in a particular way; you cannot appease him to ensure he behaves well, you cannot tie yourself in knots so that he is reasonable. If he wants to be an arsehole, he'll be an arsehole. You cannot engineer the circumstances of your split in the hope that if you do it "right" he'll behave well but if you do it "wrong" he'll behave badly.

You need to leave him and accept that he'll behave however he wants. Think about what your kids are learning about relationships from you both, if you stay.

This is great advice. You can only manage your behaviour, and not his.

If there is anything at all you think he’ll use against you then do as much as you can to neutralize it as a possibility (eg. don’t have a cheeky glass of wine on a Friday evening if you think he’s going to try and make out you’re a drinker - it’ll be a lot harder for him to do that if you just don’t drink).

Accept that you might need time to build your exit strategy and give yourself space to do that - get all the advice you can for free and make sure you have your own bank account so you can also get decent legal advice about divorce.

If he enjoys hurting you, being unkind etc etc then I reckon he is very unlikely to leave you - and if he does he will drag you and the kids through hell emotionally first anyway.

You might find Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? helpful (read discreetly, download on kindle app/Apple Books).

I hope you’re in a manageable financial position to make a divorce feasible. Don’t have any expectations of him vis a vis the children post split - if you can co-parent amicably that’s a massive achievement, but all your talk of court suggests he is unlikely to be that easy to deal with. Just take things as they come - you can’t see everything that’s going to come, just try to manage what you can.

good luck 💐

NuffSaidSam · 03/12/2023 21:38

If you're having sex with him, stop. Tell him you've been diagnosed with a condition that means you can't ever have sex again. Tell him you don't want him to suffer through a sexless marriage and although it would break your heart, you'd be ok if he wanted to leave to pursue another relationship.