Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I make my husband leave me?

140 replies

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:14

I'm desperate for him to leave me. He seems so irritated by me and the kids and I would find things easier if he wasn't around all the time. I don't love him I don't think.

But if leave him he will make everything impossible. He "jokes" that he will tell everyone I'm a drunk. He has made comments about "winning" if we split. He's v petty.

If he leaves me, we will manage things. He's v good with the kids and we can co parent together I believe. But if I leave him, I suspect the kids will suffer as a result of DH putting me through hell and courts

Am I being totally mad to try and get him to leave me? Just stop making any effort. Am I being really ridiculous or could that ever work?

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 04/12/2023 02:59

Where do the "you're a drunk" threats come from?

strawberrysea · 04/12/2023 03:06

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 21:23

The amount of women I read here who feel they don't have any agency in their own life is really upsetting.

Agreed

Tiedtoatwat · 04/12/2023 03:13

strawberrysea · 04/12/2023 03:06

Agreed

Show quote history

But it really emphasises how many women sadly don't?

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2023 03:30

Anything you do that would make him leave you would trigger the same response in him though surely. I left because she did x, y, z

GarlicMaybeNot · 04/12/2023 03:32

Tiedtoatwat · 04/12/2023 03:13

But it really emphasises how many women sadly don't?

Show quote history

To me, it emphasises how many men are what the Freedom Programme calls Dominators.

Assertiveness doesn't always mean standing up and being direct. It can mean stonewalling, fogging, and various other techniques borrowed from an abuser's handbook - especially when dealing with irrational bullies.

MilkChocolateCookie · 04/12/2023 03:45

Could you go vegan (assuming he likes meat) and refuse to cook or eat any non vegan meals? If you do the washing, keep doing his but in a haphazard manner so he randomly runs out of pants or work shirts. Stop having sex or showing any interest in him. Play on your phone or switch on the TV when he's talking to you. Buy a couple of extravagant items for yourself from joint money but buy him a really cheap Christmas present (or start to separate your money as much as possible).

PriOn1 · 04/12/2023 04:37

I guess it depends on whether bullying you gives him enough pleasure to hold onto the relationship whatever you do, which is surely impossible to assess. Refusing to sleep with him (or pretending you can’t) might merely result in him getting sex elsewhere. Not doing his washing well might just give him more excuses to abuse you more. And in the meantime, your children are witnessing it all.

I don’t have any easy answers for you, OP, but good luck with escaping, however you manage it.

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 05:16

SuperGreens · 03/12/2023 21:26

Develop an illness, probably the only way without incurring wrath.

There is something in this. A fairly high percentage of men leave sick or terminally ill spouses. He'll probably be off like a shot if he thinks there's a possibility he might have to care for you in the future.

Bananalanacake · 04/12/2023 06:18

Stop shaving your legs, armpits. Wear clothes he doesn't like.

jemenfous37 · 04/12/2023 06:31

@Sapphire387 Whatca facetious thing to say. It is obvious that the OPs husband has shown shitty, manipulative behaviour, so flippantly suggesting she just leaves is daft.

ChristmasFluff · 04/12/2023 06:33

OP, please understand that even if he decided to leave, he would STILL be vengeful and would pull out all the stops. Men like this have to punish anyone who does not perform as an adequate 'appliance'. Whatever you do to get him to leave you, you would be falling short of functional wife-appliance status and thus would be worthy of punishment.

Being the instigator of the divorce is the best way to cut his accusations down at the source - "funny that I'm divorcing HIM if I'm a drunk!"

As others have said, take control of your life - because otherwise he keeps control and could choose to divorce you at any time it suits him - and he will then drag you through courts in the way you are so keen to avoid - see above.

grumpycow1 · 04/12/2023 06:40

Even if he decides to leave you, he might still be a shit and put you through family court. If you want it to end, gather everything you need, quietly, and seek legal advice now. Can you get him to make these threats in writing and screenshot them? For example, text him with ‘I think we should split’ and see what he replies?

Theunamedcat · 04/12/2023 06:41

He is more likely to stay hone if he dumps you I get that I dumped a guy he spent months winning me over only to ditch me within a few weeks his ego literally couldn't take me leaving him after he left me l never heard from him again

grumpycow1 · 04/12/2023 06:41

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2023 03:30

Anything you do that would make him leave you would trigger the same response in him though surely. I left because she did x, y, z

This

Theunamedcat · 04/12/2023 06:43

Anyways

Get religious have loads of witnesses to you having sober fun don't drink a drop over Christmas and new year but ofc encourage him to continue drinking

Mirabai · 04/12/2023 06:48

I can’t imagine this will work OP. You could stop having sex with him, stop talking to him, cooking and doing his washing, but this will simply make him as angry and vindictive as if you said you wanted a divorce.

Howbizzare22 · 04/12/2023 06:51

He’s coerced you into staying with him by making all those threats about “if you leave me I’ll do this” but is awful to be with. Very abusive. He’s not going to leave you OP he’s enjoying the control and being abusive.
Listen your children are already suffering by you staying in this unhappy set up. Ignore the threats and leave- once and for all. Get out of this set up and move on. Short term pain for long term gain. Do you really want to continue in a life of misery. The sooner the better OP.

curaçao · 04/12/2023 06:59

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 05:16

There is something in this. A fairly high percentage of men leave sick or terminally ill spouses. He'll probably be off like a shot if he thinks there's a possibility he might have to care for you in the future.

Show quote history

I think it will have the opposite effect.He wont want to he judged for leavung his terminally ill wife.one day your manipulation will get to your kids.How do you think they will view someone who would do such a thing? Same with havung an affair

Epidote · 04/12/2023 07:14

I think you have a wishful thinking believing he is going to be nice if he leave. That is very unlikely, he is mean being in and I think he will be mean being out.

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 07:19

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

protect them from what? you said he's a good father. 50/50 seems a reasonable starting point for a good father.

Your issues with your DH are nothing to do with your children. You move out if you want to end it.

Tessabelle74 · 04/12/2023 07:29

You don't sound any better than he is. Your poor kids!

ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 07:30

Seriously, OP, the best way out is always through. Going vegan or stopping shaving your legs or whatever isn't magically going to make him leave and leaving isn't going to stop him being a shit.

Go and see a solicitor, make a plan to leave, get copies of relevant financial documents etc. If your accounts are all joint, open an individual one and put some money in it (not to hide cash from him but to ensure that you have money to live on if he clears out any joint accounts).

Plenty of men take the view that they'll "win" in the event of divorce- that's why we have a court system. They still get left. You sound like you're caught up in his games of winning and losing- get your head out of that space and take practical steps to sort things out. You're not in The Twits.

Buffypaws · 04/12/2023 07:32

I second developing an illness. Also, read The Housemaid by Freida McFadden

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 07:35

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from. SIL used to say the same. But you know he won't. He's mean and cruel and manipulative but.... he's like that by choice. This is what makes him happy so he won't leave.

And, even if he DID leave, it would STILL be your fault and he'd still be angry and resentful that YOU "made him" leave.

The best you can do is think carefully and clearly about wha you will do. Seek legal advice in advance and then harden your heart and close your ears to the venom and lies he will spill once you do leave.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2023 07:38

Men nearly all threaten to drag you through the courts, take the kids and destroy your reputation OP. I've been divorced three times. 2 of them just gave up and went off without any fuss after threatening the above. The first tried it all on. The judge was having none of it. They have seen it all before trust me. All you have to do is keep your cool and refuse to engage in the tit for tat.
The courts couldn't give a monkeys about his thrates. They will allocate funds, kids fairly.
Go ahead and divorce him, keep calm, maintain a dignified silence, don't put up with his shit.
My ex went for custody of DS in a full on assault with lies and nonsense. In the end I was awarded full custody and it was ordered that he not see DS until he was 18 as the court felt his adversarial behaviour would harm DS.
Go ahead. Get your divorce. Be free.

Swipe left for the next trending thread