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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I make my husband leave me?

140 replies

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:14

I'm desperate for him to leave me. He seems so irritated by me and the kids and I would find things easier if he wasn't around all the time. I don't love him I don't think.

But if leave him he will make everything impossible. He "jokes" that he will tell everyone I'm a drunk. He has made comments about "winning" if we split. He's v petty.

If he leaves me, we will manage things. He's v good with the kids and we can co parent together I believe. But if I leave him, I suspect the kids will suffer as a result of DH putting me through hell and courts

Am I being totally mad to try and get him to leave me? Just stop making any effort. Am I being really ridiculous or could that ever work?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 21:41

OP for the love of god. You can do this. Just say neither of you are happy, there is no love anymore so you might as well start divorce proceedings and tell him you hope you can co-parent well then flip the conversation fully to the kids.

Make the divorce a foregone conclusion.

Go see a solicitor first.

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 22:22

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 21:23

The amount of women I read here who feel they don't have any agency in their own life is really upsetting.

It's not that I don't have agency. I have a very heavy mistrust for the family courts & legal system, and a real knowledge of how vindictive my husband can be. I'm trying to work out the way to be without him, while mitigating risk.

It may be that I have to grab the nettle as others have said, but I'm not scared or dependent, I'm trying to be smart.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 03/12/2023 22:27

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

Ever considered that the Daily Fail etc reports the stuff that are exceptions? And probably overdramatises them.
Plus, if he physically threatens the judge as reported last week, it's hardly going to go in his favour.

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 22:30

You can’t control people.

Just gather all your financials and go see a solicitor

GrumpyOldCrone · 03/12/2023 22:31

I don’t think it’s a good idea to pretend to be seriously unwell. But I do think it could be effective in your situation. The gamble would be if he discovers the lie, which could make everything much worse.

laclochette · 03/12/2023 22:34

If you "make him leave you" you're still really leaving him, as you're the instigator. I can't see a way that he wouldn't see and experience it that way.

I couldn't agree more with @Verybadbride - you can only control your actions. You can't control his. Get your financial ducks in a row. Get all the evidence you can to support your case. Get evidence of his threats and assertions, if there are any in text messages etc.

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 22:35

@ThinWomansBrain Definitely not Daily mail stuff. BBC investigation. Numerous Guardian reports. I totally get I can't live in fear but the family courts being shit and traumatising for kids is not sensationalist reporting, but fairly well understood.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 03/12/2023 22:36

That sort will never leave, you'll have to do it.

And as others have said, there is absolutely no point in trying to make him behave well / not blame you and do abusive things as a "consequence". He'll manufacture Dep thing to blame you for whatever happen.

wildwestpioneer · 03/12/2023 22:37

I think you need to do your homework beforehand, get good legal advice with a solicitor that is experienced in dealing with people like your dh. Find out what family courts will be like (not just gossip) and what things you'll need to have that will help.

Get all documents etc copied online with what your solicitor tells you.

Then hunker down for the long run. The sooner you kick off divorce proceedings the sooner it'll be finished. Leave it another year and you'll be a year further down the line before it's finished

stonedaisy · 03/12/2023 22:40

Can you talk to him, say to him dont you think this is done? Wouldn't we be better off apart? List the benefits

Aposterhasnoname · 03/12/2023 22:43

Sorry, but you are kidding yourself if you think he’ll be reasonable if he leaves you. There’s an entire script, in which he’ll rewrite history with you as the bad the guy. Search mumsnet for the script, it’s all there.

Perfectpeonies · 03/12/2023 22:45

This is actually incredibly smart.

if you leave him he will never forgive you and you’ll be punished for the rest of your life.

make it his idea and he’ll feel like he’s ‘won’.

very careful get your affairs in order - be careful not to get found out

MelsMoneyTree · 03/12/2023 22:49

He has no reason to leave so he won't. And it's doubtful you can manufacture a reason that will work.
Your fears regarding access and vindictiveness are understandable but as a PP said, his responses are his and you can't actually control or manipulate them.
Speak to Women's Aid. Their advice might help you to see your options differently.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 03/12/2023 22:52

He’s not gonna leave you my love, if he wanted you left he would’ve left you by now.

MeinKraft · 03/12/2023 22:52

You could catfish him. Set up a fake SM profile pretending to be a local woman, get him chatting, that sort of thing.

MsCactus · 03/12/2023 23:00

I think this is a terrible idea and will backfire HOWEVER if you really want to do it:

  • could pretend to develop an illness that makes sex impossible (eg pelvic pain condition), presuming he has a libido/likes sex
  • cry a lot about nothing
  • be very very boring
  • moan that your life is so hard all the time
  • be really possessive and clingy

Basically be as annoying as possible, THEN...

  • set up a SM account and catfish him. Be incredibly flattering to him as OW. Say as the OW you want him single

In all honesty though... Just leave him!

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 23:08

It's not going to work, OP (sadly).

It's all very well saying "don't have sex with him" - but how many people in dead marriages still have sex with one another? I hadn't had sex for at least 5 years when my husband and I separated.

Believe me, not having sex doesn't convince a narcissistic, vindictive husband to divorce you.

I'm afraid you have to leave him, OP. But there's no particular reason why the family court has to be involved. If you're really lucky, your husband will also be a skinflint, in which case he will want to settle with you before it gets to court.

See a solicitor and find out what would apply to your actual situation. Then take it from there. My ex husband made it clear that I would be left destitute, but the law is generally fair, especially when children are involved. He also said he was going to kill himself, but he didn't.

OuiOuiMonAmiJeMappelleLafayette · 03/12/2023 23:09

I read a book the other a day about a woman that wanted to separate from her abusive husband, but knew that if she tried to leave him, he'd make her life hell.

So she put on weight, became really boring with the odd unreasonable outburst.

Then after a while employed a nanny/housekeeper who was very attractive and he ended up having an unfair with her and leaving his wife.

It was a book, but it could work? I don't know.

Otherwise you're going to have to leave him.

WonderingWanda · 03/12/2023 23:11

He sounds deeply unpleasant. He threatens you that if you leave he will speak malicious lies about you, he's petty and your gut instinct is telling you that he will go out of his way to make your life miserable or to discredit you if you leave him. This is textbook abuse and coercive control op. You need to get some support and most importantly leave him. He may well do the nasty things he has threatened but that's not a reason to stay with him.

SaturdayGiraffe · 03/12/2023 23:11

Has he ever disengaged from you in the past? If so, can you replicate those circumstances?
Does he feed off your energy? If so, can you drop it right down to the point of him becoming bored?

GarlicMaybeNot · 03/12/2023 23:21

I did. He'd asked me previously what I'd do if I was with a man who wouldn't leave me, and I told him I'd piss him off until he left me. He'd also said, several times (not at the same time as the "What would you do" question) that nobody ever finished with him. He always told me this very forcefully, as if the very thought enraged him.

From what I could gather, his previously serious relationships had ended that way - he'd been convinced his fiancée was cheating, and ended their engagement in a dramatic way. There doesn't seem to have been any evidence she was cheating, but she acted in some ways that caused him to "know". The other one managed to be annoying and drift away, so he started looking elsewhere.

Our marriage wasn't good from before the wedding. He was a bit of a gaslighter with an unpredictable temper: I became quite insecure. He absolutely hated me asking where he'd been, who with, etc, even in the normal "how was your day" sort of way. I asked him more often, and for more details. We had many huge arguments about it. I cried quite a bit. This all came very naturally, as I felt so unstable in that relationship.

Nonetheless, he kind of seemed to expect this - he was acting like a shit, so perhaps his internal marriage model included an evasive husband and a wailing wife. I already had an active social life of my own, but stopped telling him where I was going, who with, and what I'd been doing. That didn't seem to bother him but he followed me a few times, so I figured I'd carry on.

If anything clinched it, it was when I completely stopped being attentive. I acted like we shared a house (with sex - the sex was mainly good). Didn't do any household stuff except what I needed, didn't ask him if he wanted to eat, made zero attempt at conversation. We spoke, but I didn't chat and shut down the few efforts he made. Didn't say hello or goodbye. You'd think, with all his fulminations about being a Very Private Person, he'd enjoy this but he didn't. He was already shagging around but, conveniently, I think he met his current wife around this time.

As he stormed out, yelling that he was done with me, complete with ring-throwing, one big thought was in my mind: "At last!"

He still didn't file for a divorce - he might have been waiting for me to beg him to come back - so I hurried him up by filing myself. This was when you still had to give reasons, and I knew he'd never sign a document saying he'd been unreasonable! As expected, he counter-filed against me. I signed that thing quickly.

You didn't need all this detail, @JackTheSad - sorry. It's the first time I've had a chance to tell the story! In short, I played to his ego and need for control.

Whatever he keeps telling you annoys him - do more of it. Stop being a wife, as far as humanly possible without distressing your DC. Stop even being his friend & companion. Importantly, follow the advice of the wives of yesteryear: make him think it's his idea!

Oh, and do line up your ducks. I didn't, and came off slightly worse financially (he refused to fill out the financial declaration, which I should've foreseen). Post-divorce, though, he was quite civil and actually very helpful.

Ofa · 03/12/2023 23:21

PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/12/2023 21:23

Get a lawyers letter instructing him to leave the family home as you are separating.

Wow, the above may be the worst advice I’ve seen on Mumsnet. Way to misread the OP!

Good luck, OP. Sounds very difficult. You can try but I doubt he will leave, sounds like he knows you are miserable and doesn’t care. 😔

2021x · 03/12/2023 23:33

samqueens · 03/12/2023 21:38

This is great advice. You can only manage your behaviour, and not his.

If there is anything at all you think he’ll use against you then do as much as you can to neutralize it as a possibility (eg. don’t have a cheeky glass of wine on a Friday evening if you think he’s going to try and make out you’re a drinker - it’ll be a lot harder for him to do that if you just don’t drink).

Accept that you might need time to build your exit strategy and give yourself space to do that - get all the advice you can for free and make sure you have your own bank account so you can also get decent legal advice about divorce.

If he enjoys hurting you, being unkind etc etc then I reckon he is very unlikely to leave you - and if he does he will drag you and the kids through hell emotionally first anyway.

You might find Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? helpful (read discreetly, download on kindle app/Apple Books).

I hope you’re in a manageable financial position to make a divorce feasible. Don’t have any expectations of him vis a vis the children post split - if you can co-parent amicably that’s a massive achievement, but all your talk of court suggests he is unlikely to be that easy to deal with. Just take things as they come - you can’t see everything that’s going to come, just try to manage what you can.

good luck 💐

Even if he does leave of his own volition it doesn't mean the process will be any easier. If he is someone who is controlling then any way you exert your freedom will be a slap in the face to him regardless of whether you are in a partnership or not.

Please consider contacting Refuge or other organisations from a persons phone that it cannot be traced to yours, who can provide you with tailored feedback for your specific situation.

user96327888 · 03/12/2023 23:34

If he's so manipulative and awful then he's clearly not going to be the one to leave you.

You can't control his actions through yours, you've made that clear.

Why do you want him to parent your kids if he's so bad?

It makes no sense.

worryingalot · 03/12/2023 23:36

Totallt understand you OP
I was desperate for an ‘out’ from a previous relationship
In the end I left and unfortunately it took a long time for ex to stop punishing me for it although we avoided court by a thread
in the end though we were alright whenever we saw each other and DC has no bad memories of his father (who has now died) which he would’ve if I had stayed. So I’m glad I left when I did before it got even worse at home. I did get some nasty letters sent about me to family members and wild accusations but I just had to plow on through really.
No good advice though I’m sorry

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