Page 5 | How do I make my husband leave me?

pickledandpuzzled · 04/12/2023 07:42

I can see why OP is trying this. And I think many women instinctively appease men and make their life comfortable. I think you can withdraw that attention without them really recognising what the difference is.

He’ll be uncomfortable and look elsewhere without being able to pinpoint why it’s your fault. Do not drink!

Cook meals he doesn’t much like. Forget to remind him about appointments, be less attractive- easily done for most of us, to be honest. Stop trying.

Dustpantsandbush · 04/12/2023 07:47

I don’t think him leaving you is suddenly going to make him reasonable towards you. However it ends, he’s going to be a cunt about it.

BigDahliaFan · 04/12/2023 07:48

He’s a bully and the only way of dealing with then is standing up to them and taking back control for yourself.i. Get some real life support…and good luck.

ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 07:49

By the way, the advice to pretend to be ill is the worst on the thread. OP is trying to reduce trauma for her kids- making them think their mum is seriously unwell will hardly do this. And when it comes out that she’s faking (which it will) he’ll really have something to hold over her.

Crystalballplease · 04/12/2023 07:51

Start gathering evidence of his threats and abusive behaviour

Nimello · 04/12/2023 08:35

The starting premise is always that the children's best interests is served by having both parents in their lives as equitably as possible

That's not true. It depends on what the children have experienced up to that point. If the children have had a SAHM and a dad who works long hours and hasn't been particularly involved in their day-to-day care, these children would have a reasonable expectation that this pattern would continue, albeit with their parents living separately. In this kind of situation, they would probably see their father every other weekend and one weekday night (or some such). If, however, the children have been equally cared for by both parents (if, say, both parents have worked f/t or p/t), then the expectation would be for their care to continue to be shared, and contact would be ordered based on that expectation.

chocorabbit · 04/12/2023 09:14

If you leave you can't just take the children with you as he will call the police and say you have kidnapped them. If you leave without your children he will be the primary caregiver or you will show you don't care enough for them and he will be given most or all responsibility by the court. As @Crystalballplease said start gathering evidence of his threats and abusive behaviour. Then when you have enough abusive messages and insane accusations with him admitting "but nobody is going to believe you MWA HA HA" initiate divorce procedures. It's the only way. Try to force out of him as many written statements as possible on various pretenses over daily family life.

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 09:35

A lot of people don't understand that an unreasonable man does not suddenly become reasonable when you leave him. My x would have taken me down, even though the children were passengers to that.
The agency over your own life is the goal but to get to that place you often have to walk around landmines. You can't control somebody else's behavior, no, but you can attempt to minimise the injury to his ego.

My x abused me through the courts. I won't go in to it, but although he hated me, he was outraged that I ended it. He is still furious about that 27 years on.

It's not that I had no agency. I wanted to get through it not completely depleted and eroded.

I have my own job, pension, secure home, some savings, but to get away from my x and to get to this place without destroying myself or traumatising the dc, I had to "manage" his ego.

hydriotaphia · 04/12/2023 09:39

Get some proper legal advice now.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 09:39

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 09:35

A lot of people don't understand that an unreasonable man does not suddenly become reasonable when you leave him. My x would have taken me down, even though the children were passengers to that.
The agency over your own life is the goal but to get to that place you often have to walk around landmines. You can't control somebody else's behavior, no, but you can attempt to minimise the injury to his ego.

My x abused me through the courts. I won't go in to it, but although he hated me, he was outraged that I ended it. He is still furious about that 27 years on.

It's not that I had no agency. I wanted to get through it not completely depleted and eroded.

I have my own job, pension, secure home, some savings, but to get away from my x and to get to this place without destroying myself or traumatising the dc, I had to "manage" his ego.

I think a lot of people understand that, in fact everyone posting, the point being made is making your marriage so awful he feels forced to end it, is hardly likely to make him be reasonable.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2023 09:49

I suppose it depends how your life is now. Are you still having sex? Are you running around pretending you're happy? I suppose all you can do is be honest. Stop having sex you don't want. When it's just you two do stuff that makes you happy. That way there's no come back, you're just making your needs important.
Harder with kids as their needs matter too but I'd stop putting on so much of an act of you are

MsMarch · 04/12/2023 09:58

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 09:35

A lot of people don't understand that an unreasonable man does not suddenly become reasonable when you leave him. My x would have taken me down, even though the children were passengers to that.
The agency over your own life is the goal but to get to that place you often have to walk around landmines. You can't control somebody else's behavior, no, but you can attempt to minimise the injury to his ego.

My x abused me through the courts. I won't go in to it, but although he hated me, he was outraged that I ended it. He is still furious about that 27 years on.

It's not that I had no agency. I wanted to get through it not completely depleted and eroded.

I have my own job, pension, secure home, some savings, but to get away from my x and to get to this place without destroying myself or traumatising the dc, I had to "manage" his ego.

Yes, I agree. And I think posters on here have been sympathetic and they're right to say that trying to get him to leave is not likely to work, but it's obvious which ones think it's just a case of "getting your ducks in a row" and which ones understand the reality of emotional y abusive and manipulative men.

OP, you do need to start making plans. Definitely seek legal help. Keep records of his behaviour. Have a concrete plan when you're ready, and stick to it.

Zleep · 04/12/2023 10:26

Buy a second property where he can stay during the week/weekend closer to work. Start creating an easy exit for him where he knows he will be comfortable.

BlueGrey1 · 04/12/2023 10:36

@PTSDBarbiegirl

Get a lawyers letter instructing him to leave the family home as you are separating.

What a strange thing to say, you cannot instruct someone to leave THEIR home

Justanything86 · 04/12/2023 10:48

I actually think being sick is the best option. Nothing serious just maybe post viral fatigue for an extended period of time so no makeup, no sex, minimal housework, lots of going up to bed early so you don't have to be around him.

muckymayhem · 04/12/2023 10:51

By the sounds of it relying on his guilt if he were to leave isn't a great idea. It's more likely it will be "your fault" whatever you do. If you make up some lies or dangle another woman in front of him or stop making any effort this will still be your fault because you have become boring / fat / sexless and you aren't meeting his needs. None of the reasons he might leave you, even if you could engineer something, will be his fault - he won't like feeling guilty so he will do whatever it takes not to feel guilty by making it "your fault". I think it will be difficult to engineer a scenario whereby he feels happy and guiltless and inclined to benevolence towards you. Unless there's any chance that he could take a job in a different country or something.

The only other thing I wonder is why do you think he wants to stay in the relationship if he himself isn't really that happy? Would it be at all possible to have that conversation? Rather than saying you aren't happy yourself say you sense that perhaps he isn't happy? Or would that just be taken as criticism and cause a blow up?

I think PPs are right, carry on behaving as usual whilst you get your ducks in a row, line up an excellent divorce lawyer - explain his modus operandi - and see what they have to say about the best way to proceed. Then you can choose what you want to do next, but you've given yourself properly informed options - including best and worst case scenarios.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 11:07

Zleep · 04/12/2023 10:26

Buy a second property where he can stay during the week/weekend closer to work. Start creating an easy exit for him where he knows he will be comfortable.

Wow, how privileged do you need to be to think that it’s remotely normal to be able to just buy a second home

hey darling, I’ve decided to buy you a second house. Just so you’re comfortable and we can have a weekend break place. You can thank me later.

😂

curaçao · 04/12/2023 11:28

You need to speak to a lawyer first and then be an adult and tell him. Avoid all the childish manipulative
ideas on here

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 11:30

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:21

@Eyesopenwideawake have you read stories from family courts recently? I wish things were going to be that simple. I'm trying to protect my kids.

He could just as easily make things difficult if he's the one to leave.

You're being overly paranoid about this. He is highly unlikely to get custody of your children and is clearly just making empty threats.

Just leave him.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/12/2023 11:42

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:18

@Sapphire387 both of those things would trigger incredibly revengeful behaviour from him and the kids will be put through hell.

If he leaves me, he'll feel guilty and be reasonable.

I'm clutching at straws here maybe

He might still be angry at you if he leaves. A friend's husband cheated on her, refused her offer of counselling, be wanted to leave, but still blamed her for everything and was really nasty and dragged her through the courts. You may be no worse off just doing it yourself.

2catsandhappy · 04/12/2023 11:46

I can't see if you work outside the home. Get some money saved, research housing choices, see a solicitor and move out. Don't pre warn him.
Might take a year?
I made the mistake of telling my exdh I was going to divorce him etc and he turned from useless lazy neglectful man to bitter vengful and nasty.

Headband · 04/12/2023 11:49

An arsehole is an arsehole , in my experience, he will behave like one whether you initiate the split or he does.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 12:00

You're being overly paranoid about this. He is highly unlikely to get custody of your children and is clearly just making empty threats.

Of course this is true intellectually. But women who have been subject to men who use gaslighting and manipulation and coercive control often struggle to see this because they are used to believing and being controlled by this man's threats.

And even when they DO see it, they know that he can make life hell for them in the meantime. They can threaten and lie (and believe me, their ability to lie not just to the woman involved but family/friends/random others is mind blowing). They can find that one point of weakness and play it up, possibly with additional lies. They can threaten and bluster and refuse to leave.
The one I know has, at various times:

Told her that he will fight her for custody and win because she is a terrible mother and because she works full time and he barely worked, they will give it to him (for the record, while he worked part time, or not at all, she STILL did the bulk of childcare, school runs etc...)
Threatened her (and, bizarrely, her family including her siblings and mother) with social services for everything from her using weed now and again(with him, FYI), to her mother being left in sole charge of their children (he wasn't stepping up and her mother is capable, albeit not as mobile as would be preferable), to her asking her brother to move into her house for the weekend when she had to go away and her ex had refused to have the DC.
Cried to the children about how mummy is breaking the family up, he loves them all so much but mummy doesn't love him any more and is making him leave.
Told friends and family that she was physically abusive towards him. This one was harder to prove/disprove, but these accusations came AFTER he openly admitted to the same family and friends that he had a) physically threatened HER (he claimed it was justified) and b) he had locked her in a room and left the house while leaving their DC in the house without her being able to access them. So let's face it, everyone already knew he was a liar and a twat.

Yes, all of this is abuse and yes, ultimately she managed to get away from him but it's more than 2 years later and it's STILL ongoing issues. It's not as easy as just saying, "the court wouldn't give him custody".

Original poster

JackTheSad · 05/12/2023 09:35

Thank you everyone for advice. I am pretty persuaded it's not possible - I'm not going to pretend to be ill (!) and he isn't interested in other women - I know people say that a lot but if you knew him - you'd get it. He doesn't go out. I thought perhaps if I just pulled him up for all his shitty behaviour and was very very distant, maybe he'd leave as I was too much of a nag and he'd feel it was his decision/idea - and I think things would be far easier.

But this is some crazy wishful thinking probably.

Thank you to the people who get it. I know I need a solicitor. I've got my own bank account and money. I am just scared of how he will respond and the lengths he would go to get his own back.

OP posts:

Dressinggown14 · 20/10/2024 19:56

JackTheSad · 03/12/2023 21:14

I'm desperate for him to leave me. He seems so irritated by me and the kids and I would find things easier if he wasn't around all the time. I don't love him I don't think.

But if leave him he will make everything impossible. He "jokes" that he will tell everyone I'm a drunk. He has made comments about "winning" if we split. He's v petty.

If he leaves me, we will manage things. He's v good with the kids and we can co parent together I believe. But if I leave him, I suspect the kids will suffer as a result of DH putting me through hell and courts

Am I being totally mad to try and get him to leave me? Just stop making any effort. Am I being really ridiculous or could that ever work?

Hello I'm going though the same. Can u message me privately?