To specify when to do the dishes?

[fassnk]

DP and I had a big argument recently about division of household tasks. After much discussion, the evening dishes (post dinner) are now his job. I asked if he could do it straight after dinner, so that when he is bathing DS they will be dry enough for me to put away and the kitchen will then be clean and clear for the morning, and we get the whole evening together, chore-free, once DS is in bed.

Apparantly this is annoying and controlling and as long as the dishes get done why does it matter when it happens.

I just dont want to be sorting the kitchen before heading up to bed, and as I am the one up with DS every morning I prefer to come down to a clean clear room.... am I being controlling and over bearing?

I would say

"If you do the dishes after dinner I'm happy to help you dry and put away once babies in bed' If you prefer to do them later please could you dry and put away. Thanks'

If he chooses to leave parts of it Ie not wipe surfaces don't do it!!! Leave it for the next day for him. I know it's hard but don't reward incompetence.

Fine - the job is doing the dishes, drying them and putting them away and making sure the kitchen is clean and tidy, bin out if necessary. The job needs to be done by <whatever time you go downstairs in the morning >. Let him decide when he does it in that window.

Yes it's ridiculous if that is his only job.

Honestly, I suspect he doesn’t know how much you do or how to do it. Thats the problem. He just expects it to be done and under appreciated all you do. Like my ex - he thought magical fairies came in overnight and wiped the sides and etc and that’s why the house was tidy.
It wasn’t that I was doing it because if he admitted that then he’d have to take his turn too, easier to presume it was magic and then he could ignore…

It could be that a list of everything needs prepared for your partner and tasks allocated. With instructions. Although people have different ways of doing things so it may get done his way.

PS I see I’m getting laughed at for having ‘supper’ in my last post.
Is that a Scottish thing then and the rest of the country doesn’t have toast or a small nibble of some sort before bed?
Or is it the word means a small meal at a different time in England? Curious now 😂

Oh God, why not just divide tasks up differently, so YOU do the wash and clean up. If it's not working out for you, change the record somehow. Stewing over it will end up in constant arguments.

I decided a long time ago that if it bothers me then it's ME who has to do it.

I go with that too @MyLadyTheKingsMother.

But generally if something needs doing, someone will see it and do it however I don't lose my shit if the dishes are still there for a few hours. Life is too short.

Leaving dishes to dry overnight is normal surely?

Washing up is my job and I always leave it on the rack overnight - I don't see any need to put them away the same night. Tell him doing the dishes includes putting them away and then leave it up to him if he wants to put them away the following morning.

We do @gannett but then I am a bit of a slattern. I will often tidy up properly in the morning as I'm too knackered in the evening to care.

As a fellow slattern to another I have to admit I haven't yet put away all the dishes from Saturday night. After lunch, I think.

I think you’ve just divided up the jobs wrong.

To me doing the dishes includes putting away so if you just make his job doing the dishes and putting away as long as he does it before bed then it doesn’t matter.

Doesn't want to be micro managed you mean?

OP, you're still doing the same amount of chores, either way, so what's the issue?

If you want to reduce your chores, then he drys and puts away, but you seem to be saying you're happy doing the chores, just at a time that suits you, but doesn't suit him?

You'll have to learn to compromise, both of you.

Am I the only one who leaves everything in the drying rack until either I need to use those items again, or until I need the drying rack again? Why waste time putting things away only to get them out again!

I know this may not be helpful but the fact is you're not in the right relationship if these are issues that upset you both and you can't solve. I lived like that for years. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, he won't change and neither will you. This is probably one example of lots of annoying things and I only say this as I used to live through these daily annoyances too. And they are annoying, every single day. I would never have left him over them as they didn't feel substantial. But the feeling is substantial. He left me and I got to do things my way very happily. Totally unhelpful, but I do sympathise.

Thanks everyone, lots to think about. I do generally subscribe to the "its the way I prefer it so I should do it" school of thought but this led me to doing literally everything which was knackering. I dont want to micro manage I just felt there was a lack of respect from DP.... will have to have another discussion about things I think.