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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To specify when to do the dishes?

63 replies

fassnk · 03/12/2023 19:47

DP and I had a big argument recently about division of household tasks. After much discussion, the evening dishes (post dinner) are now his job. I asked if he could do it straight after dinner, so that when he is bathing DS they will be dry enough for me to put away and the kitchen will then be clean and clear for the morning, and we get the whole evening together, chore-free, once DS is in bed.

Apparantly this is annoying and controlling and as long as the dishes get done why does it matter when it happens.

I just dont want to be sorting the kitchen before heading up to bed, and as I am the one up with DS every morning I prefer to come down to a clean clear room.... am I being controlling and over bearing?

OP posts:
Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:37

@hermanfromguesswho @leafysuburb well this is an obvious solution that i didnt even think of. Ive just been so angry and can't get past "Why do I have to TELL you, why cant you be adult enough to just KNOW to DO THE WHOLE JOB "

OP posts:
muchalover · 03/12/2023 20:38

Update it.

"It is absolutely fine for you to do them when you want but if this is after 6pm then it will need to include drying, putting away and making sure the kitchen is clean. Before that time I'm happy to put them away"

Said sweetly griited teeth

Never put off til tomorrow anything you can do today.

Daisies12 · 03/12/2023 20:38

YABU because why are you getting up with DS every morning? And who dries dishes, that’s very unhygienic. Much better to leave to dry on their own

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:39

SnowWhitesSM he literally just washes the dishes. Sometimes will wipe the surface next to the sink if it's wet and soapy.

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 03/12/2023 20:40

Yabu. Done and clean kitchen before bed.

WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 20:40

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2023 19:51

Nope but you've chosen someone who doesn't respect you

Yeah because if it not done as the op dictates it's wrong

43ontherocksporfavor · 03/12/2023 20:40

I don’t dry dishes. They dry in a rack if not in dishwasher.

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:41

@daisies12 I know, don't. This is a whole other fight that is going on at the same time. Its fucking exhausting.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 03/12/2023 20:42

Could not be arsed with arguing about this sort of stuff. He’s not your employee. You both have different standards/preferences thats all. Doe sit really matter?

hellsBells246 · 03/12/2023 20:45

If you cook, he does the washing up, and vice versa. And that includes drying and putting away!

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 20:46

I'm sort of on his side because I'd be annoyed if DH started micromanaging me and telling me when he expected me to do certain chores.

LindorDoubleChoc · 03/12/2023 20:48

So he does the dishes and then evening bath? How much time is he allocated to do that?

BananaSquiggle · 03/12/2023 20:48

Elieza · 03/12/2023 19:55

When’s he planning on doing them? They need done before the next meal. The next meal for me would be supper, which although only toast and tea, I’d still appreciate a clear area of worktop to make it. Apart from that it wouldn’t bother me when the dishes are done. Get him told he’s in drying and putting away duties too.

Supper 😂😂😂

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2023 20:53

I'm normally really hardline about men pulling their weight in the home but I don't think you get to specify when he does the dishes. As long as they are done and the kitchen is cleaned that evening. I think having a set time is a bit controlling.

Why can't he just do the whole kitchen at a time that suits him?

Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:53

@Lindordoublechoc Yes those are his 2 - TWO! - jobs! Bath is at 7pm so that hasnt needed further discussion... After a while of the dishes being done late at night and the kitchen not being cleaned as part of it I requested doing them after dinner as I outlined in OP, and DP got really pissed off about it. I didnt dictate a timeframe, just asked. Didnt go down well.

OP posts:
Original poster
fassnk · 03/12/2023 20:54

Thepeopleversuswork he doesnt do the whole kitchen. Just washes the dishes.

OP posts:
Thighdentitycrisis · 03/12/2023 20:58

I have met several men who have never been made aware that a kitchen needs a clean after every meal, it’s not just washing dishes.

Not a deep clean but cooker wiped and surfaces / table clean and clear for next event. Sweep if needed.

Everyone has different standards though, (I leave clean dishes to dry and don’t need them put away, for me it’s more important that sides are clear, clean and tidy)

allhellcantstopusnow · 03/12/2023 21:00

fassnk · 03/12/2023 19:59

He's been leaving them till the last possible minute before heading to bed. Which is fine, hes doing the job I asked, but it does mean I start my day putting away last night's dishes and that makes me feel behind before I've even started IYSWIM.

I start the day by emptying the clean dishwasher that was put on as I went to bed. I do it while the coffee machine splutters itself awake. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to do in the morning.

But if the dishes are his job, he should be putting them away too. The whole job is his job, not half of it. Do you do the laundry then leave it in a clean heap on the sofa and claim to have done the laundry?

athingofbeauty · 04/12/2023 00:56

Just tell him that washing up after dinner includes putting away the dishes the same night. Ok if that's after he bathes the kids, but it's before you get up in the morning.

TBF I don't think it's controlling at all to insist that the dishes are done pretty soon after dinner. Perhaps you should start randomly making dinner one day at 4, one day at 8, another at midnight. Is it controlling to insist you have dinner by some specific time?

It's in the nature of many tasks that they have to be done when they have to be done. That's precisely why we often find them irritating. Clearing up isn't an activity you do because you enjoy it (though you may well enjoy it), it's something that has to be done when it has to be done. Like bathing the DC at 7, or filling the car with petrol before it runs out, or hoovering when the floor is a mess, not just when you feel like it. It's like brushing your teeth before bed: it's NOT like having sex...

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 01:24

Shoxfordian · 03/12/2023 19:51

Nope but you've chosen someone who doesn't respect you

This.

SkySecret · 04/12/2023 01:33

I can’t understand people’s replies here…

He is washing up… but then leaving the clear up to you and you don’t want to have to do it first thing. Honestly, that’s absolutely fair enough. He either does the whole job, or washes them early enough so that you’re not inconvenienced (as much). Or he puts them away in the morning.

If I’m reading his right that’s his only job? He does NOTHING else? No cleaning, hoovering, toilets, kids baths, bin duties etc? No daily/weekly household chores other than washing dishes?! Yeah, you’re not being unreasonable, he’s a lazy c**t!!! Just leave them out. I’d never put them away.

maximist · 04/12/2023 01:39

Get a dishwasher. Much less hassle.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2023 02:01

He sounds like a total jerk.

Wanting to assert himself by leaving the fucking dishes to the very last minute. Because he’s a big man yeah? Ugh.

The fact is you are supposed to be a team which works together, so things need to sync.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 04/12/2023 02:09

He’s doing the bare minimum. Of course he knows the sink and worktops need wiping but he’s going to get stroppy if asked to do that because he resents washing up in the first place.

harriettenightingale · 04/12/2023 02:20

Also, my friend had this problem with her DH and she had to agree that actually as long as he does it in the evening before bed, it really doesn't matter when it's done.

This, but he has to dry it if it isn't dry at the end of the evening and put it away, not you.

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