To think the rich/poor divide is so unfair

[Mooshamoo]

I know people who were born into lovely comfortable families.

These people had enough money. They also had two supportive caring parents. No worries or stres at all..Every one of those people went on to college, and went on to have really good jobs. They have a good social life, they get to socialise with people who also came from comfortable families.

I came from a troubled family. My father abandoned us. Which left us in poverty. So we had no money. I also had no emotional support whatsoever. My mother was an emotional mess and couldn't cope on her own with anything, I basically had to be her mother from a very young age. I had a lot of emotional worries and stress. As a young woman, early twenties, I remembered seeing other young women enjoy nights out. I never got to have anything like that as I was just struggling to survive.

I didn't have support to achieve anything in my life, and I ended up in dead end jobs and I still now don't have a lot of money, I don't have good relationships. I don't have great friendships, as I find the rich affluemt comfortable people don't want to socialise with me. I remember one person saying to me "oh is that a shitty little job that you do".

And if I socialise with people from a similar troubled background to myself, these peollw have so many problems of their own, that these never turn out to be good healthy friendships for me. We just add to each others problems. For example we will sit with each other and one person will say "I lived in foster care and it was horrendous, the family were abusive" I will say "one time i lived in emergency accommodation as a young woman and it was awful". Our lives were so bad that to be around each other, we just make each other sadder and worse.

It just feels like being trapped in a cycle of poverty and suffering that's not fair and there is no way out.

It's luck of birth.

OP I confused. You inherited money which enabled you to go travelling & buy a house but you are posting about the rich/poor divide?

I don’t want to over simplify this but it does seem to take away from the rich/poor somewhat?

Well, I don’t know much about you but I see you can spell and type! Have you thought about teaching english as a foreign language in your spare time? You could use the money from this to further your own education - you never know it may lead to something else. Please look to the future not back (but your experiences could be useful to help others).

Yet you get these stories from rag to riches of people who moved to the U.K.

Can you not join a group to have a hobby and make friends from there. You don't have to mention your upbringing to people just the hobby your doing

Somebody once told me that you become the average of the people around you. If everyone around you likes a particular football team, chances are you will too. If everyone around you values education/music/sport, chances are you will too. If everyone around you is living in poverty/claiming benefits, chances are you will too.

I agree that the rich/poor divide is very unfair, and that it is perpetuated through generations because you can't teach your children things that you don't know about or value yourself. People grow up in their little bubbles of what "normal" means and have very little understanding of those who grew up in a different bubble to them.

I hope you can get out of your bubble @Mooshamoo . Surround yourself with people who you want to be like and who value the things that you want to achieve.

Have you considered becoming a counsellor OP? There are some online courses you might be able to do without it affecting your benefits. The people skills you would have gained from your teaching experience and the empathy you will have from your background might make you a perfect candidate.

I agree that Life is unfair and that some people have a great start in life and others do not. However, I was born into poverty and after much effort, education and job wise I am doing fine. It can be done. It just requires focus and effort and this is what I would concentrate on.

Have you considered becoming a counsellor OP? There are some online courses you might be able to do without it affecting your benefits. The people skills you would have gained from your teaching experience and the empathy you will have from your background might make you a perfect candidate.

I very strongly disagree with this type of advice. Op has not in any way dealt with her own issues, and there are plenty, and during this thread resurrected months old thread to tell OP she can't believe she is complaining about her life because she had it better than OP. This is not the first time OP did something like that (I remember one purely because it made me really angry as it was not fair not the other poster but said nothing so it doesn't start thread takeover argument) . You can't support vulnerable people when your thoughts are "Well, I had it worse" and you actually voice them.

Life is extremely unfair.

I come from a background like yourself. I have experienced different forms of abuse and lived in poverty numerous times. I am also a recovering addict. Drugs were my numbing agent for decades.

In my late 30’s I got clean and earned a degree with the Open University, followed by a Masters. However, this hasn’t changed much for me in terms of financial stability and security. But it has given me confidence, a sense of fulfilment and achievement. I never had that before.

I think many people fail to realise that it’s incredibly difficult to overcome the scars of your past. Despite what I’ve been able to achieve academically, I struggled massively with poor mental health which has limited my life. Additionally, difficulties accessing help and support have only made this issue much worse. Luckily, I’ve found a group of people, like me, and we support each other. That has been transformational and they mean the world to me.

I think I have done remarkably well considering everything I’ve been through. But I will never achieve what others have. And that’s ok. I really appreciate the simple things now. I love spending time outdoors, growing and fostering my peace. My life may look very unappealing to many but it’s mine. I will likely always struggle financially given my mental health and my inability to cope with the pressure of a career and corporate workplace culture. But again, that’s ok.

The unfairness of life used to consume me. It still could, if I let it. I think that’s common when you’ve experienced a very difficult and traumatic life. But now I acknowledge this unfairness and then purposely shift my focus on to something positive in my life. We can’t compare ourselves to these other people because our lives have been so different. It’s simply not a fair comparison. I am certain that had they had the lives we have had, they would be struggling too. That’s not to say I wish this on anyone, because I don’t.

I really do believe that things could be far more equitable than they are. As a society, I think we should always be aiming for equality. There is so much more that could be done and it’s incredibly hard to watch as things become more and more unequal. I do think the fact that we are now a very individualistic society has had terrible consequences for people like us. I don’t know what the answer is. All I know is that it makes me feel extremely sad and hopeless.

It‘s getting harder and harder to survive in this world and I am acutely aware that people are suffering. I sincerely hope you are able to find some peace.

I'm definitely extremely self destructive. I definitely could have done more in life but I don't see myself as worth anything. I don't think I deserve anything.

It's peoples mental blocks that hold them back. I'm going to work on my mental blocks this month and see that I'm worth something.

And also it's not that I just don't have support. I have people around me who actively try to drag me down anytime I try to better myself aswell.

I unfortunately have a wider family that is extremely nasty and jealous and wants to keep me down.

I've had a couple of good jobs in the past. A few. Any time I achieved something, someone in my family will do something to kick me down. They are jealous and they don't like me succeeding at anything. They are not "family". They are just people.

For example , my aunt. I thought I had. Blocked my aunt on everything. I got quite a well paid job in England a while ago. And I was delighted. Of course the minute I'm happy, they don't like it. I went to do the job in England. I thought I had blocked my aunt on everything but I hadn't blocked her on one thing. The minute I went to do the job in England she sent me loads of messages saying "what the fuck were you thinking going to England you should be in ireland looking after your elderly mother. You should be ashamed of yourself , you're awful" etc

Your inheritance post says that you left a “good job” to go travelling for four years with a sum between £200,000 - £500,000, all of which is now gone.

You’re hardly trapped in a cycle of poverty! Sounds more like a case of poor life choices, which is completely different.

Yes, having a toxic family is tough (that’s why I haven’t spoken to mine in 20 years) and can impact upon you throughout your adult life. Yes, you have to work harder if you’re from a poor background to achieve success…

But you really did lose me at the six figure inheritance that you neglected to mention in this thread. Your initial post was framed as “if you’re born poor, you’ll live and die poor, so unfair” but clearly someone in your life had significant funds to leave such an inheritance. I'm confused about when this never-ending cycle of poverty supposedly began??

Hi @SharkBrilliant read what I wrote later in the thread. I said that the figures in that inheritance post were not accurate at all. I inherited way way way less than 200k. I've never had 200k in my life.

I just made up that figure 200 in a post to ask for advice about inheritance. I wanted to change any identifying details about myself. I didn't get that much at all.

When I came on here to ask for advice about my dad's death and wills , I changed all identifying details about me, including the amount i inherited as it's a sensitive topic and I know my dad's family (who I don't get on with) are on mumsnet.and i didn't want them to see what im saying. I inherited way way way less than 200k

Im definitely in poverty at the moment. Im on job seekers allowance. I can barely afford to pay my bills . But poverty doesn't last forever. I'm just annoyed at myself. I can never seem to get myself anywhere really good in life. I really want to spend this month working on mY mental blocks. Saying yes I do deserve stuff ! I am intelligent. I can do it.

Changing sum while providing consistently same description of your family really doesn't make much sense tbh. What you post is really identifiable to people around you. Must be

I agree with you in terms of that poverty is unfair and how hard it is to break away from that cycle but money does not always equate to emotional support or more family stability.
Some very wealthy families mess their families up emotionally (think royal family) whilst some family who have very little materially, provide a fantastic stable upbringing.
It is unfair to generalise in my view.

JMO but I think the fact the OP rinsed her inheritance like an ill considered kid in a sweet shop speaks to the dysfunction and doesn't detract from it.

It does make the wah poor me I've never had two pennies to rub together seem hypocritical but getting past that - it kinda makes the whole situation even worse. This is a person who had a chance to overcome her background of dysfunction and trauma but still blew it.

OP you know we have agreed on this thread you need to let it go, move on, concentrated on better things and release the past. Where you put your attention grows. Shift your attention or your resentments will keep growing. Distract yourself at all costs and do new and different things. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.

Try to be more cautious and considered in your affairs and make optimistic plans, treat yourself, eat nice, buy clothes that make you joyful, work hard to cheer yourself up because life has dragged you down. Nobody's coming to rescue you. We drag ourselves back out the mental gutter every morning with a new day.

@Zamzamzamdeedah I changed other details too.
But I've definitely realised I'm at the stage where I really really need to name change. If I ever ask for advice now, someone always drags up a thread from a year ago and it knocks the thread off for ages.
Anyway can we get back to this topic. Thanks for all the useful advice. I appreciate it

@LittleMissSunshiner thats harsh. I agree with you that I've made bad choices. And im self destructive.

However receiving the inheritance wasnt easy. I think it was one of the worst times of my life

I wasn't just given the money. Again, I have an extremely nasty and cruel family. and they ruin any joy or happineas I ever have. My dad's family who were executors weren't happy that I was left any money, and spent years fighting it. Lots of legal rows. They didn't want me to get it. They reminded me all the time that they didn't see me as part of their family. t was a terrible time for two years for me. And mentally broke me.And in the end I was just emotionally exhausted.

If someone had been on my side andbsaid kindly to me "here is your inheritance it's yours good luck with it". I would have made better choices.

I had to fight a massive family battle to get anything

I wasn't trying to be harsh I was trying to be supportive.

You need to work on your attitude I can tell you this for free.

You need to break away from being enmeshed in your family dynamic - by way of even thinking about them.

I come from a background of abuse and neglect that doesn't bear speaking about and was a homeless child. I understand having families that hated one another and that hated the children too and did everything possible to destruct one another and the children. It's disgusting. It's bizarre. It's unusual and it makes us different because the vast majority of people are not ever going to understand that you had people in your life trying to tear you down and destroy you in infancy because they were sick and diseased. It's not most people's experience of childhood. They don't get it.

People on the internet are not going to get it, don't expect them to. Stop trying to explain yourself to people who are determined to misunderstand you. I get it. There's people on the 'Stately Homes' threads get it.

But as for receiving money and the difficulties with that - are you kidding me do you not understand how it is to come from a background of abject abuse and there's no money anywhere? Most people who have been through what you have will not, have not, and never will get one single penny from anyone in their family - we get landed with their debts sometimes. So bear that in mind with your self pity.

The birth of eugenics!

I didn't much at all after legal fees aand challenges and it was split between my siblings and me. Not just me. But yeah im grateful I got anything at all I guess.

I just think my mental health is not great. Which I'm going to try to improve
Im sitting here on job seekers allowance totally broke. I have been proactive, I've been applying for loads of jobs hopefully will get one soon

Ok, I hear you. And yes life is wildly unfair. Yes some people have way easier lives that you and it is ok that this really pisses you off.

But, you also have a way better life than many. You weren’t born with HIV in Kenya and then forcibly sterilised in return for food, for example. You aren’t being stabbed or sold into slavery, other people are and they would look at your current life with huge envy.

I do know that when you are miserable the fact that others have it worse doesn’t really help. But envy of the rich isn’t gonna help you either. What you need, is one tiny step each day towards a better life. You have access to the internet. That is hugely powerful. I don’t know what free education is accessible in Ireland but please keep searching and asking for help as there may be something. For example is it at all possible to get funding to do on the job training as a teacher? You’ve already taught English. Being a teacher in Ireland may not be an ambition of yours but a lot of English-speaking teachers get recruited into Dubai schools for very good pay. If teaching doesn’t fit, take an entry-level job in anything (supermarket? Warehouse? Amazon?) and be positive and charming and work your way up. It can be done. But it can only be done with a positive professional attitude.

Good luck!

Maybe you should apply for incapacity benefits and have time out to get well if they'll grant you space and time to work on your mental health issues? Do you have a supportive doctor or any form of mental health team?
I would worry that if you're not well enough to perform at work you're just getting into an escalating spiral of things not working out.

Thinking about the quality of life of your future children is not eugenics.

"Eugenics is a set of beliefs and practices that aim to improve the genetic quality of a human population."

I'm seeking not to add people to an unjust system where you can't support them and a majority of them will suffer. But even if it was eugenics, that should not just shut an argument down.

Just want to share my story, grew up in poverty with very little. Saw DV while growing up but parents prioritised education as we grew up in country where there is no social security. All siblings worked very hard and managed to get in high paying jobs and have managed to get out of poverty and have our own homes etc. it is possible but you will need to change your mindset. You are still in 30s, you can change your life around. Learn skillsets which are in demand like in IT and technology and get into entry level jobs after a bootcamp etc or apprenticeship. It's never too late, you can do this.

I had a troubled first half of my life too. I grew up poor. Now I am very comfortable. When I look back I realise I had an advantage I did not then see. I was street smart and had drive in a way my rich friends did not have. I was willing to work much harder and knew how to live within my means even when I started making good money. I did not get distracted by trivial setbacks. You will get there too ,provided you do not think it is someone else's job to pull you out. It would be nice if the world was fair but it is not and your job is to do what you can right here right now. All the best.