To think the rich/poor divide is so unfair

[Mooshamoo]

I know people who were born into lovely comfortable families.

These people had enough money. They also had two supportive caring parents. No worries or stres at all..Every one of those people went on to college, and went on to have really good jobs. They have a good social life, they get to socialise with people who also came from comfortable families.

I came from a troubled family. My father abandoned us. Which left us in poverty. So we had no money. I also had no emotional support whatsoever. My mother was an emotional mess and couldn't cope on her own with anything, I basically had to be her mother from a very young age. I had a lot of emotional worries and stress. As a young woman, early twenties, I remembered seeing other young women enjoy nights out. I never got to have anything like that as I was just struggling to survive.

I didn't have support to achieve anything in my life, and I ended up in dead end jobs and I still now don't have a lot of money, I don't have good relationships. I don't have great friendships, as I find the rich affluemt comfortable people don't want to socialise with me. I remember one person saying to me "oh is that a shitty little job that you do".

And if I socialise with people from a similar troubled background to myself, these peollw have so many problems of their own, that these never turn out to be good healthy friendships for me. We just add to each others problems. For example we will sit with each other and one person will say "I lived in foster care and it was horrendous, the family were abusive" I will say "one time i lived in emergency accommodation as a young woman and it was awful". Our lives were so bad that to be around each other, we just make each other sadder and worse.

It just feels like being trapped in a cycle of poverty and suffering that's not fair and there is no way out.

It's luck of birth.

Op I dont think posting on Mumsnet is going to help you any further.

You need to make your peace with the vast amount of money you burnt through, and make a new plan. From recollection you still have some cash left (or you did) so you have far more options than most people

i would say that having conversations about shitty upbringings is where the problem lies, you need to change your outlook. Technically I guess I had a shitty upbringing but I’ve never even thought of it like that as it was the norm where I’m from. Mum had me at 15, she’s a drug addict, dad in and out of prison, council estates, being evicted multiple times so ended up homeless as mum can’t pay bills as drugs are more important etc you get the drift. I have friends from all different walks of life and I have a professional job. I never talk about my upbringing as I feel it’s irrelevant, start a hobbie, go for walks etc meet people the normal way and start reading books like the secret, this helped me change my mindset. Hope it helps you x

I understand what your saying op, but there is still a chance you can turn yoir life around. Withoit sounding rude, it seems like your living in tue past and blamimg your current situation on your upbringing. You can still go to college and get some qualifications, which in turn could lead you to a better job (as you put it). I dont think your situation puts "rich" people off being your friend, I think thats probally down to you and your personailty. Poor pepple are fun to be around also (I actully find poor people more pleasent to be around than rich people because they are less snobby). I think counselling would benefit you

Yes it’s unfair but what’s stopping you from upskilling and bettering your circumstances now?

Have you thought about doing a degree through the open uni?

As a child I had loads of worries and stress.
I came from a troubled family, my mother abandoned us. We often had little or no money. I also had no emotional support whatsoever. My Dad had no idea and I was a mini housewife.
I had a lot of emotional ups and downs and constant stress.
My Dad was a mysogonist who thought a woman's place was in the kitchen.
I didn't have support to achieve anything in my life. My Dad thought women did not need an education.
I fought against that and was determined to have a better life.
I socialise with people who are honest and kind, as I try to be.
I avoid people who will drag me down but am compassionate and supportive where I can be and it will be received. I understand I am no-one's saviour though.
I believe sometimes life is not fair but there is always a way out.
I financed myself in sixth form by working 20 hours a week at a supermarket. I then worked in a factory and saved some money.
As a young woman I did Nurse training, I was paid poorly and then worked hard on shifts as a junior nurse, still on crap wages.
I have now worked 30 odd years in the NHS. I now am a senior Nurse. I have a good social life and socialise with other professionals and like minded individuals who may or may not have my level of job/ profession.

It's luck of resilience and triumph of bloody mindedness and bloody hard work.
I could have wallowed. I chose not to.
I don't want a medal. I am just presenting that shitty childhoods can sometimes be overcome.

I had to look up that inheritance post. It's not accurate. I changed all identifying details on that post, as I didn't want my dad's family (who i dont get on with) to recognise me. That figure is not accurate. I inherited way way way way less than 200k. I wish! I wrote that figure because I wanted to change identifying details. Sometimes I change identifying details on posts. Especially when it comes to money and wills.

@Try2makeadifference well done! Go you.

Do you enjoy being a nurse. I have sometimes thought of training to be a nurse.

Thanks guys for the advice about going back to college. I'm going to keep applying for jobs , and if I don't get any , then I will look into further study. I've been applying for five jobs a day. I used to work in the customer service/call centre area. I've been applying for bank customer service jobs now which I would like to get

It's also the trauma thoughts that I need to change. I often think: my dad didnt want me so I'm not worth anything. My dad's family didn't want me so I'm not worth anything. Those are heavy thoughts and drag me down . I think them alot. It's hard when your own family are cruel to you.

Yes, it’s shitty. I had physical and emotional abuse as a child. I was parked with various relatives. I felt like baggage being passed around and not really wanted by everyone. I’ve had to fight feelings of lack of self worth and confidence. I was angry at the world and didn’t understand why I had such a raw deal when friends seemed loved and wanted. It’s hard not to think you are undeserving of love.

I did my own self intervention when I saw myself choosing violent partners and wallowing in self hate. I took hold of my life, got a degree, good job, good husband, gorgeous son etc.

If took a massive amount of healing to get here and a lot of it was fired by not letting my abusers win. I don’t feel that way now. I feel sorry for them. We’re no contact, and have been that way for a while, so easier to move on.

So, yes life can give you alot of bloody lemons to suck. However, I don’t think that what has happened to me automatically defines my life. I can grow, heal and make different choices. X

@Mooshamoo I generally love being a Nurse. Some days are crap. Most I feel accomplished and grateful for my job. I hate hearing about bad or uncaring Nurses. My ethos is as our Flo Nightingale said... "do the patient no harm". That includes looking after their loved ones.
Look up nursing apprenticeships and the myriad of careers in the NHS. It isn't an easy life but good A/L, pension etc
It helps you feel better about you and there is nothing better that helping someone's painful journey be a little less arduous.

You can turn it around. I had a rubbish childhood and no education, but I have a lovely husband who supports me and our 4 lovely children. We live a comfortable life thanks to him and I’m sahm.
I had a choice of 2 paths. The first would of lead me further down that path and second, well i did an apprenticeship and went to college and made friends with those ‘posher’ people who might I add do also have their problems. It’s not easy but I wanted a better life and I wanted to be somebody to someone.

I'm coming from a working class family, dad left when I was very little, mum had mental health issues. My childhood was more difficult than most of my friends' lives. I was teased on a daily basis because of my family, poverty and my dysfunctional family life. I could spend the next half an hour writing about the hardships I've been through, but I do not think it helps anyone.

When I was growing up I knew I had to get out of this life and build a better life for myself and my future children. I have worked very hard throughout the years, which have given my employers confidence to promote me.
I have a good salary and a big house and all because of my hard work- I never had connections or family wealth or support to rely on.

Kindly, if you want to have a better life you need to drop the victim attitude and start working towards a better life. There are many inspirational books and films out there, should you need an extra boost of motivation.

I’m a couple of years older than you (43) and I grew up very poor. My mum was 17 years old when she had me, no dad in sight, on benefits in Thatcher Britain in the 80s.

Our first home didn’t even have an inside toilet, no heating, couldn’t afford a fridge or TV, rough area… everything that wasn’t nailed down used to get nicked. Mum became an alcoholic in my teens, I haven’t spoken to her (or any of my family) since my early 20s. Fucked up royally at school, left with no qualifications.

Despite all this, I still managed to turn it around for myself.

I went to uni in my early 30s. Had little to no financial support (and no family help) so I worked nights at a petrol station while doing my access course then weekends as a chef in a restaurant during my degree. It was fucking hard work and exhausting. I then spent the next three years getting my professional qualifications and now earn £50k+ a year after 5 years qualified.

I know that’s not the highest salary you’ll see on here, but I do sometimes have to pinch myself that I’ve made it this far from such a shitty start. You can still do it… when I was training after uni, there were a number of trainees in their mid-forties at my workplace. Reskilling is not as unusual as it used to be; just be prepared to start at the bottom of the ladder.

People are saying for you to get an education, presumably they mean do a degree. I know some people with degrees that dont use them, so if you go down that route, before spending 4 years doing that and not earning anything, consider seriously what it is you love learning about and what you want to do as a job.
Not all the "wealthy" friends you encounter have always been Well Off...it's just some pretend. I have worked with and seen through these people. Don't put yourself down. You can achieve what you want.
Having a good hard working partner helps make it alot easier. Be careful who you chose. If you chose to be on your own, then definitely go to night school, or get a grant, go to university. Don't think about the fees as it is mis sold. You don't need to pay fees back until earning a good salary and if you have no support you will be able to get grants. When you pay it back it will only be
a small amount taken out of your salary.
Go and see a careers advisor.
Do not put yourself down, the posh people you refer to don't necessarily tell you the whole truth.
Good luck.

It's not poverty that holds you back but other factors like neglect and abuse.

I grew up with very poor immigrant families. Next door, two families with 6 kids between them lived in a 3 bedroom house.
All these kids, and others in the neighbourhood, all grew up to have really successful careers. Think accountant, solicitor, dentist and some specialist nhs careers.
I've also got a friend who grew up in an amazing privileged life. Huge house, private school but they lost everything. They really struggle now as they have no idea how to budget and save. They lost the family business and they just can't seem to hold on to any jobs. Not sure why. They're lovely people but just lack any financial sense.

I'm sorry you had so much trauma. I'm sorry you don't feel at ease in the world or like you have a solid place in the world. Even wasting the money you got it's all part and parcel of being ungrounded, not belonging, being dislocated.

I went through horrific trauma and I did things to let go, release, and take it out of my present mind. I'm not going to lie, I needed a spiritual recovery progamme and the 12 Step Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Parents (ACoA / ACA) helped a lot. I accepted that 'higher power' (for me the infinite power of the universe and nature) is my real true parent, the flesh and blood people were just the vehicle through which my flesh and blood body arrived in this version of life. We are spiritual beings in a human body in this phase of our existence. Release your flesh and blood parents from their obligation, they brought you in this world, they didn't kill you (all but nearly) and you are alive. Now you need to work on the spiritual aspect of being alive IMO and forget about them.

Sorry if all that sounds weird as hell - and it IS! - but it's also true. The only person you're harming when you keep carrying around all that baggage and hate is yourself. Resentment is like pouring a glass of poison for the other person but drinking it yourself. Move on.

You need routine, stability, calmness, and to try to achieve small things day to day that cheer you up and get you active - take action. Thinking won't get you anywhere.

@Mooshamoo stop the victim mentality. You're the problem here.

Your experience of squandering a huge amount of money that made you wealthy in comparison to the vast majority of people your age, proves other posters' points that it's the making the most of the many opportunities of living in the West that matters, not "rich/poor" divide.

Being born poor is no one's fault but people remaining poor when you live in one of the most advantageous countries in the world in the vast majority of cases is the result of the person's own bad choices.

You inherited enough to travel and buy a house in Ireland, presumably all cash considering what you said about work in last few years. Even if it's less than 200k, it was obviously enough to provide all that...

Pps are right about you living in a past all the time Some people have hard time moving on from their old hard lives and problems because, sorry that sounds harsh, it is now their full identity and they would lose the "aw no, so sorry". Which you also use seem to want when going on other's threads btw. I knew the username really rung the bell.

You have to move on, otherwise you will just spend remaining years on MN going over the same stories. Therapist specialising in childhood trauma should be able to deal with it and somewhat help.

I came from a not very well off family. I hated school and got a job. I travelled a bit and then met my husband who came from a very poor, neglected home, but worked hard and got a good job. As you could in the past without going to university.

i have never wanted children so we made a nice life with horses and dogs. We are not rich but do OK.

i have met very wealthy people through work and hobbies, many are totally batshit, their children are sent off to boarding school and often suffer from lack of parental care, just have all the expensive goodies. Many of the women who have never worked suffer from DV but have to suck it up to keep the lifestyle.

I've not had the background you have @Mooshamoo in fact I am probably one of the rich people with the supportive parents you talk about.

However, I do have empathy for you and I recognise how unfair life has been for you from the very start. It sounds to me like you are in complete emotional burnout. When you are in complete burnout it is virtually impossible to achieve anything. You need to heal. Find free podcasts to listen to about CBT and reframing your self limiting beliefs. You absolutely can change your life at 39/40.

Where do you live at the moment? Is your goal to have a slightly better job and eventually be able to buy your own place? I know hoe incredibly hard that is as half my daily are in the RoI and property is very expensive.

Change takes longer than you think. I'd take the next 2.5 months until you are 40 AND the whole year of 40 to start trying to change your mindset. Listen to CBT podcasts, journal, have a vision to work towards and break your journey to that vision down into manageable steps.

One thing I have seen a lot of is teaching English to Chinese students online....can you make a Linked In profile? Lots of jobs on there for this type of work and not bad pay. You could start the job and get training on the job too.

You have the skill of self awareness; you have identified it is your own self limiting beliefs and absolute exhaustion from being ground down by trauma that are holding you back. The good news is that you can address these two issues and in doing so, I think that by Christmas 2024 you will mentally be in a very different place, ready to take on a new chapter in your life with a better job and a brighter outlook for the future.

You can achieve a life for yourself beyond this.

I had a very similar upbringing to you yet have managed to forge a successful career and have a lovely home and certainly not in poverty - still feel as though I look after everyone else in my family though.

The OP bought a house and went travelling?

And no, poor people who remain poor can be due to so many reasons. I’d be so ashamed to lack imagination and say it is vastly down to bad choices. We live in a corrupt system where the majority of people can never be rich. And rich is not some morally better thing to be.

Have the vast majority of people with disabilities mental and physical made bad choices? Those with limited intelligence? Have rich people never made bad choices? No. But it easier to recover from them with money!

There is a thing about immigrants often doing way more than local population does (it's everywhere, not just UK) when it comes to work and school work because they have to. And "we didn't move family half across the world so you would flank school!".
Children of immigrants often outpreform locals at schools because of that push and thinking/knowing that you have to work twice as hard to achieve something and override things on your CV like foreign name etc...