To think the rich/poor divide is so unfair

[Mooshamoo]

I know people who were born into lovely comfortable families.

These people had enough money. They also had two supportive caring parents. No worries or stres at all..Every one of those people went on to college, and went on to have really good jobs. They have a good social life, they get to socialise with people who also came from comfortable families.

I came from a troubled family. My father abandoned us. Which left us in poverty. So we had no money. I also had no emotional support whatsoever. My mother was an emotional mess and couldn't cope on her own with anything, I basically had to be her mother from a very young age. I had a lot of emotional worries and stress. As a young woman, early twenties, I remembered seeing other young women enjoy nights out. I never got to have anything like that as I was just struggling to survive.

I didn't have support to achieve anything in my life, and I ended up in dead end jobs and I still now don't have a lot of money, I don't have good relationships. I don't have great friendships, as I find the rich affluemt comfortable people don't want to socialise with me. I remember one person saying to me "oh is that a shitty little job that you do".

And if I socialise with people from a similar troubled background to myself, these peollw have so many problems of their own, that these never turn out to be good healthy friendships for me. We just add to each others problems. For example we will sit with each other and one person will say "I lived in foster care and it was horrendous, the family were abusive" I will say "one time i lived in emergency accommodation as a young woman and it was awful". Our lives were so bad that to be around each other, we just make each other sadder and worse.

It just feels like being trapped in a cycle of poverty and suffering that's not fair and there is no way out.

It's luck of birth.

Lovely first post.

I meant that in a supporting way 😉

OP, have you looked at going into Sales at all? No degree required and anyone can become good at sales if they are willing to learn and stick at it.

I work in sales, very few of us have degrees and we are all earning a minimum of 70k a year

@autienotnaughty how have I missed the point?? I grew up poor, I went back to college as a mature student. It’s helped me be able to break that poverty cycle.

What job are you doing? Can you change it? IT sales/IT Skill like graphic design and autocad construction roles pay well. more money and a career path may improve your outlook and situation.

I had an awful upbringing, mum ran off with her lover, Dad really lacked parenting skills, my sister created chaos in her teens, home was awful, I left the family home and FT education at 16, did a YTS, poorly paid industry, then in 2002 changed career and haven’t looked back. I earn more than the prime minister.

I know people with all sorts of backgrounds, some successful and some total losers. It isn’t always down to wealth and traditional family set up.

Hi OP, it sounds desperately frustrating for you through no fault of your own. I completely understand the poor upbringing angle - mine was a poor, neglectful childhood too. Although, I didn't have to take on the emotional stress of coping with a mother who couldn't function, as yours sounds to have struggled with, as well.

I put myself through my degree by studying part time while working full time - my parents would never have supported me studying. I totally get the cost aspect but what I did was to work shifts in a factory (unskilled work) as it paid much better and that allowed me to both live and to fund my courses, until such time as my employer actually started to help too as they were impressed with the commitment.

Is there any chance you could do something like that to increase your income at all and give you some choices?

We came from a very troubled background. Every ACE you can think of. Worked hard as adults and knew it would be up to us to fix our future. Now a top earning household. If you want a way out of the poverty trap there are loads of opportunities in this country. People just don’t like to admit it.

@Princessandthepea0

If you want a way out of the poverty trap there are loads of opportunities in this country. People just don’t like to admit it.

Which country is that?

I'm just so very mentally weak and unwell from so much trauma I've been through. People saying to study. You are well meaning.

But It's very hard for me to get the mental energy and strength to go back to college for three years. I've been through a lot more cruelty and abuse than I've written here. Some of it was really terrible.
I'm very energetically weak.
. I'm barely functioning in my life

Ive been applying for jobs and haven't got one yet but hopefully might get a slightly better one next year.

My brother is the same as me. He had the same upbringing. He is 42. He has never worked. He is on disability allowance for mental illness. He is not lazy. He has no confidence to get a job. He is not mentally well. He has no friends.

We are both so completely mentally broken from a lot of trauma.

I don't want to go into my forties with my life as bad as rhis. I'm going to try to read more and try to get the strength to get back into a slightly better job

The 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' and 'everyone can make a success of themselves' ideology is one of the most pernicious Tory right leaning / capitalist / patriarchal concepts in currency today. It's toxic positivity and shaming of those who are suffering and unable.

It's right up there with 'mum feeds family on £5 a week' garbage. We can, however, make the most of what we've got and try to live with more ease in the world - the alternative to to become a bitter and twisted hateful old bat and that would never do.

When you've got emotional damage, psychological harm, physical disabilities, mental health problems, lack of good social network, not many or any friends, no spare money, lack of resources, no family to fall back on... all in one go! life is tough, very very tough indeed. It's about making the best of a bad deal but starting with the very smallest of things - trying to get comfortable and at ease in one's existence. Taking up training or a degree or starting a business, yes, great stuff, but sometimes that thinking is way overshooting the point of where you're at.

Purely existing in a peaceful and harmonious manner and finding things I enjoy doing and places I feel safe in, is how I cope. I try to be 'the friend I want' to other people.

I swerve people who have set up camp and are determined to live in the misery of their harm and abuse because it resonates with my own trauma and also I don't want to get dragged down to that level where I've even lost the impetus to try and get free of the pain of the past.

There's loads of things a person can do for free to cheer self up and I recommend doing them whether you feel like it or not - community meet up groups (tea and chat), local community college courses, there's some cheap / free ones in my area, volunteering at charity shops or gardening in the park, etc.

In these groups you will meet people who've also decided to get out the house and try do better for themselves.

Also something that sets me up for the day is to be grateful for what I do have and to bear in mind I could have all the exact same problems and no legs or be blind or be homeless right now or suchlike. An attitude of gratitude!

I voted yabu. It's not the fault of those who had a better upbringing than you.
There are many ways you can improve your lot.
My dad was born into unimaginable poverty in the late 1920s, one of 11 siblings with no welfare state and no NHS. He was absolutely determined to climb out of the cycle of poverty and he did. He worked hard at 2 jobs, sometimes 3, he met my mum, they worked hard to scrape together a deposit for house.
We had very little money but we were fed and clothed and encouraged to our best to build a secure future just like he did.
So it can be done
You just have to have the determination to make it happen

One of the other big traumas I went through - sorry to sound like a pity party. But I did tell my therapist about his one and she was shocked at the cruelty of my own family.

I saw my dad a couple of times as a child. Then he wrote and said he didn't want to see me again and he wouldn't answer any letters . This plunged us into poverty and led me and my brother to have an extremely terrible life. This wasn't our fault. We were children
Our dad walked away from us. No money no support . I'd no grandparents either.
.
I had managed to get my life a bit better in my late twenties.

I went to see my dad once when I was an adult. I had talked to my cousin that lived near him first. I actually went to see my cousin first. She agreed to me coming but when I got there -her attitude was awful to me. I said to her that I was going to go see my dad. She was angry and she said things like " you can't go to see him " I shouldnt even be having you here, youre so awful"

Her attitude to me was "you're so awful I shouldn't even be letting you be here.

I said I was going to see my dad. And she said " no I don't want you to go to see your dad, ill get in trouble, you'll upset the whole family".

And I was like "why".and she said "your father doesn't want to see you because you were so bad as a child, i shouldnt even be talking to you, i upset people by even talking to you , and if they know i let you stay with me, ill get in trouble and cause a family rift. "

My dad had abandoned me and left us in awful conditions. Yet apparently he had told his side of the family that I was a bad child. I hadn't known that he had told them that until they got there. I couldn't believe that they would blame the child me. And that was huge mental shock for me to deal with. That they could be that cruel

I did go to see my dad once on that occasion and I got screamed at by all my aunts uncles and cousins over there for doing it.

They were awful to me.

Before I went to see him that time, I had worked myself out of poverty into a fairly okay job. I had enough money and I wasn't in poverty anymore.

After I went to see my dad's side of the family when I was late twenties, I had a total mental setback, they were so awful to me, that I had a bit of a mental breakdown and I lost that good job I was in at the time.They caused me a lot of trauma.

I completely get the exhaustion OP.

You're better people than us. Congratulations, have a cookie.

The thing is, a lot of the time just living and functioning is exhausting. When you struggle with past trauma, flashbacks, panic attacks, the voices, being transported back in that place, trying to prove yourself again and again by going above and beyond , putting routines in place so even basic things can be done, when just getting out of bed is nearly impossible, the people so many people, when you're desperately trying to cover ip that you're internally melting down, when your adrenaline levels are sky high and wish someone could peel you off the ceiling. It's hard. It's fucking hard to add an extra thing to your plate, to start over , to "work hard". Because you're already working incredibly hard just to be functional every day. It's fucking terrifying too.

Sounds a tough start OP, but we all have to play the cards we were dealt. It's called life.

Pick a goal and either one day or day one, your choice.

This has descended into self congratulatory well I had to do it and just work hard /apply yourself totally tone deaf, impervious to the actual obstacles and barriers people encounter. Unable to see the cumulative effects of ACE upon wellbeing and confidence, happy to dish out anodyne comments

Frankly if op had posted her pet needed an operation she’d get PM and donations from posters

I’ve lived through trauma. Every ace out there. However there also choices to be made, get very angry with people on the internet or use one day at a time to pick yourself up. Personal choice so have your cookie right back.

This. Absolutely this!

So many people must have no heart and no compassion.

@Drdoomish

of course it isn’t a race to the bottom but if an OP chooses to focus solely on how unfair it is that someone has better circumstances than her, a reminder that literally billions of people have Much worse circumstances than her are inevitable.
is it fair that she has better circumstances simply by being born in the UK, by pure luck? Should she feel guilty about it?
she will be better off focusing on how to progress instead of moaning about more lucky ones

@LimePi I don't live in the UK!

For not recognising the impact it has on the majority of people. If you scraped your way up with no help and in spite of barriers you are the exception not the rule but more likely something must have happened to make that attainable to you.

And I'm not knocking you or trying to step on your achievements. If you have pulled yourself up well done but the ignorance that it's that simple is what I'm pulling you up on.

Yes couldn’t agree more. I think the point I was trying to make (badly 😂) is that often at the heart of people’s difficulties in life is trauma and you can experience a trauma free life even in poverty, but can also try to address trauma even if you’re in poverty. I would hate for someone to think poverty is holding them back when it could be something like self esteem etc, which with targeted intervention could improve their circumstances so much.

It's not that people don't have compassion, it's that it is a fact that the only person who can change the OP's life is the OP herself. A person can read all the self help books they like but if they don't put what they've learnt into practice nothing will change.

There is a saying "if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got."

@Mooshamoo

honestly you aren’t even aware of the privilege you have
your 42 yr old brother NEVER WORKED because of MENTAL HEALTH issues and is able to survive (of course scrape by Im sure, not live a life of luxury) because he has DISABILITY ALLOWANCE

it is fantastic that he has this. (As it should be)
do you realise that in vast majority of countries there isn’t such a thing even for physical disabilities, and people either have to work, rely on charity of relatives or just die?

I think with poverty actually comes a certain amount of trauma whether you recognise it or not. Whether you have a "happy" upbringing or not. Because of the instability that comes with it, the lack of feeling secure e.g. because you don't know how to pay the rent or housing insecurity, food insecurity etc.