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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the rich/poor divide is so unfair

445 replies

Mooshamoo · 03/12/2023 12:35

I know people who were born into lovely comfortable families.

These people had enough money. They also had two supportive caring parents. No worries or stres at all..Every one of those people went on to college, and went on to have really good jobs. They have a good social life, they get to socialise with people who also came from comfortable families.

I came from a troubled family. My father abandoned us. Which left us in poverty. So we had no money. I also had no emotional support whatsoever. My mother was an emotional mess and couldn't cope on her own with anything, I basically had to be her mother from a very young age. I had a lot of emotional worries and stress. As a young woman, early twenties, I remembered seeing other young women enjoy nights out. I never got to have anything like that as I was just struggling to survive.

I didn't have support to achieve anything in my life, and I ended up in dead end jobs and I still now don't have a lot of money, I don't have good relationships. I don't have great friendships, as I find the rich affluemt comfortable people don't want to socialise with me. I remember one person saying to me "oh is that a shitty little job that you do".

And if I socialise with people from a similar troubled background to myself, these peollw have so many problems of their own, that these never turn out to be good healthy friendships for me. We just add to each others problems. For example we will sit with each other and one person will say "I lived in foster care and it was horrendous, the family were abusive" I will say "one time i lived in emergency accommodation as a young woman and it was awful". Our lives were so bad that to be around each other, we just make each other sadder and worse.

It just feels like being trapped in a cycle of poverty and suffering that's not fair and there is no way out.

It's luck of birth.

OP posts:
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theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 12:39

Life is very unfair OP especially at present where the wealth divide has got bigger and social mobility is poor

But I think what’s important for you now is what you can do to improve things.

Where are you in life now and what would you like to change?

OutsideLookingOut · 03/12/2023 12:41

I hear you, life is very unfair which is why we should really think before we bring children into the world. We don't have to perpetuate an unfair system and feed more suckers into it.

smilesup · 03/12/2023 12:42

It is unfair and the current government and media have done a lot to make sure it doesn't change. They don't even hide it anymore.

Nevermind31 · 03/12/2023 12:43

Yes, it is unfair, and I’m sorry you had a problematic upbringing.
but what you do now is up to you.
you are more that the sum of a problematic upbringing and your job.
don’t lead with… I had a shitty upbringing and want to be friends with you because of your privilege.
further yourself. Have interests.

Farmageddon · 03/12/2023 12:44

I'm sorry OP, you've been through so much. I agree that it seems unfair that some people sail through life unscathed by problems and fully supported, whilst others struggle hugely. Unfortunately, there isn't much that individuals can do to change this. Most people will try and take care of their own, and give whatever help they can to their children, which I suppose makes the gap seem wider for those who don't have that much to give.

It should be government policy to try and bridge the gap but they don't seem to care that much. I remember hearing before that one of the biggest indicators of a range of issues in adulthood (addiction, incarceration, etc.) is childhood poverty. And yet not much is being done to try and solve it, perhaps because there are complicated factors at play.

Hermittrismegistus · 03/12/2023 12:44

Have you tried socialising with poor people that don't have troubled backgrounds?

ToBeOrNotToBee · 03/12/2023 12:45

I know exactly what you mean.

I try not to discuss my early years with people I don't know as a) they struggle to understand how much of my life has been shaped by this and, b) they judge me for my upbringing and background.

When I have made the mistake of discussing some things, to try and make them see why I am the way I am (ie petrified of having kids in case I mess them up the way I was) they've all gone "wow, far too much for me to deal with" and ended things.

alwaysbreaks · 03/12/2023 12:45

But you can change that. Get an education. Get yourself out of only being able to get low paying jobs.

Seedsout · 03/12/2023 12:45

You’re conflating rich parents with loving and caring parents.

But I broadly agree with your points, it’s all about luck.

A friend works at a private school and some of the children are so emotionally neglected despite £30k a year being spent on their education.

Ilovelurchers · 03/12/2023 12:47

I completely agree. Disgustingly unfair. A supposedly "civilised" country that still allows some children to subsist in grinding poverty while others have obscene wealth sickens me.

kitsuneghost · 03/12/2023 12:52

Totally agree. Yet every time every time you suggest women in poverty having children is unfair to the child you get absolutely jumped on. So the cycle will continue

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 03/12/2023 12:52

@alwaysbreaks you said to get an education. But I've looked into it. I can't afford it.

OP posts:
Nitgel · 03/12/2023 12:55

education is key, we have to teach our young people this.

On mn you see the lengths MC parents go to, to get the best education for their kids, we have to teach our kids that they are capable of getting good jobs and making a happy life for themselves, The super rich divide will continue to get larger there's not much to be done to change that but we can teach our kids that there is a certain path they have to complete to reach the better paid jobs.

DutchCowgirl · 03/12/2023 12:56

It is unfair! I was born in a poor family too.. but i was determined to do things differently then my parents did. And I succeeded ! You can be the change, get an education, be extremely careful and creative with money… don’t hang out with the wrong people.

But it is still unfair, why did I succeed while others don’t, and can they help it? I have a cleaner who lives in the same bad neighborhood I was raised in… it feels so unfair that i pay her money to clean my house , while only a generation ago my mum would be the one taking cleaningjobs exactly like her.

Singsonggsu · 03/12/2023 12:59

I think it’s unfair to say rich people have no stress or worries and also untrue from my experience.
I also agree though that for some people who are born into a toxic family or have massive family challenges do have a tougher climb but it’s not impossible at all to live a happy and fulfilled life.
I know rich people who are stressed and unfulfilled and people who have had horrendous starts in life but live happy contented lives.
Life is not fair - never has been and never will be!

SonwflakesAreForWimps · 03/12/2023 13:00

There's no two ways about it. Life is unfair.

The only (legal) way out is improving educational opportunities. Not something the current lot care about unfortunately.

I am hoping for better things post election but it's not going to change overnight or even in a generation.

Life is hard but the only alternative is not life and that's not so great. Good luck OP. I hope things get better.

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 13:01

Mooshamoo · 03/12/2023 12:52

@alwaysbreaks you said to get an education. But I've looked into it. I can't afford it.

OP can you lay out the basics of your situation now - it’s hard for people to make useful suggestions if you don’t do that

What do you do/earn, what is your living situation, your caring responsibilities, what qualifications (if any) do you have, what skills do you have, how old are you, any health limitations

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 13:04

Aren't you a teacher? Or were? I would assume that means you have a degree.

Silvers11 · 03/12/2023 13:06

I hear you OP - but sadly Life isn't fair. The Division of wealth in this country and many others is manifestly unfair, but it isn't going to change anytime soon. But I would also say that 'rich parents' don't necessarily equate to 'loving, caring and supportive parents' and the two things are different.

I am so sorry you had such a bad start to life and life is and has been tough, but I do think attitude has a great deal to do with, how we deal with the bad things in life. You sound depressed ( and I don't blame you for that at all) but would counselling help maybe?

BiscuitsandPuffin · 03/12/2023 13:06

It's better than it was historically. We're just able to speak out about it more now they've let us have literacy.

However you're throwing yourself quite a pity party there. There are lots of things there that you've jumbled up and turned into a big ball of resentment when a lot of it was things you did have agency to change if you'd made different choices.

Everyone in the UK has an opportunity for an education and qualifications, regardless of family support. The government even finances university for people (so you pay it back but not upfront) and there are access courses for people who couldn't be bothered to take advantage of our free school system, which is completely different from many other countries.

I had zero support and managed to get through school and uni.

A lot of people around me were perpetually messing around, chatting, too preoccupied with non-issues like what their hair looked like, and although we sat in the same class having the same lessons, they failed and I didn't. Their parents even bought them the textbooks when it came to A-levels while I was made homeless by my mum at the end of Y12, that's how much support I had.

When I graduated in a recession with a good grade in a shit degree subject because I was lied to by careers advisors and told any degree was the gateway to better jobs, I worked at McDonalds and because it wasn't enough to live on I took a second job so I worked 16 hour days. I did it because failure wasn't an option. I did it because there was no other way out. I didn't have a choice.

The thing no one likes to hear about poverty is that a lot of the time it's bloody hard work to get out of it and they are already in the mindset of "I work so harrrrd" that they can't fathom working harder to actually break the cycle. But as hard as you're already working, you need to double it to get out of the hole. You have to stop blaming everyone and everything else and find the wherewithal inside you to do something with your life.

I think it might be worth speaking to your GP about a referral for CBT or counselling to try and unpick some of it because you can still change your life.

bellsbuss · 03/12/2023 13:07

I grew up in a poor family and a dad who was abusive to my mum, I haven't let that dictate my future and nor have my siblings. We all have good lives and have achieved a lot from our very humble beginnings. You can have a good life , start believing in yourself and take little steps to make it happen

Singsonggsu · 03/12/2023 13:08

BiscuitsandPuffin · 03/12/2023 13:06

It's better than it was historically. We're just able to speak out about it more now they've let us have literacy.

However you're throwing yourself quite a pity party there. There are lots of things there that you've jumbled up and turned into a big ball of resentment when a lot of it was things you did have agency to change if you'd made different choices.

Everyone in the UK has an opportunity for an education and qualifications, regardless of family support. The government even finances university for people (so you pay it back but not upfront) and there are access courses for people who couldn't be bothered to take advantage of our free school system, which is completely different from many other countries.

I had zero support and managed to get through school and uni.

A lot of people around me were perpetually messing around, chatting, too preoccupied with non-issues like what their hair looked like, and although we sat in the same class having the same lessons, they failed and I didn't. Their parents even bought them the textbooks when it came to A-levels while I was made homeless by my mum at the end of Y12, that's how much support I had.

When I graduated in a recession with a good grade in a shit degree subject because I was lied to by careers advisors and told any degree was the gateway to better jobs, I worked at McDonalds and because it wasn't enough to live on I took a second job so I worked 16 hour days. I did it because failure wasn't an option. I did it because there was no other way out. I didn't have a choice.

The thing no one likes to hear about poverty is that a lot of the time it's bloody hard work to get out of it and they are already in the mindset of "I work so harrrrd" that they can't fathom working harder to actually break the cycle. But as hard as you're already working, you need to double it to get out of the hole. You have to stop blaming everyone and everything else and find the wherewithal inside you to do something with your life.

I think it might be worth speaking to your GP about a referral for CBT or counselling to try and unpick some of it because you can still change your life.

This 🙌

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 03/12/2023 13:08

@Singsonggsu you said "I think it's unfair to say that rich people have no stress or worries". I didn't say that rich people have no stress or worries at all.

I sometimes think that some rich people have very little concept of what other people go through though. Or how good that they have it. They didn't have to experience the really bad parts of life so they don't have to think about it.

I also have come across the attitude from some people I know that "it's poor peoples fault that they are poor because they didn't work hard enough". Which is awful. It's not always about working hard. There are so many factors that come into play to people being poor: lack of money is one , lack of support, pschological damage, emotional damage, then lack of access to good education aswell

OP posts:
FatchyPog · 03/12/2023 13:09

I agree, even though I’m from a privileged background which concealed severe abuse and neglect, I still benefited from a good private education. I’ve also had better experiences with NHS psychiatric care than others I met in hospital who seemed to have similar if not identical issues from comparable trauma. The class system in the UK is like rotting flesh that poisons everything.