SIL not doing presents for ‘adult’ niece and nephew

[PamFritters]

DH’s side of the family is quite small, he has his parents, two brothers (both married), one nephew(15). We have three dc, 21, 19 and 14. SIL (brothers wife, the ones with dn15) announced last minute last year that my adult DC weren’t getting presents any more.

I was a bit wtf about it but it’s her choice. However, the whole situation is a bit weird and here’s why.

Her gifting habits have always been a bit of an issue for me. She massively, MASSIVELY, over gifts. Every year we have had a least a large (sack sized) bag full of stuff for each of us for Christmas and birthday. Often hundreds of pounds worth of things but never things we want. Ornaments, clothes that don’t fit, random DVDs, oversized soft toys, just usually really generic ‘gifts’ but in massive quantities. I’ve had twenty something years of this and I’ve given up saying anything and now just gratefully accept and quietly give almost all of it away.

So last year when she said she wasn’t buying for DC 1 and 2 I was a bit puzzled but shrugged it off. And then Christmas morning DD was actually quite upset to receive absolutely nothing from them while I had one of the massive oversized gift bags full of candles, pyjamas, books I have no interest in and clothes that were two sizes too big. I let her have her pick but it just felt like a really weird statement to be making. DS1 couldn’t care less to be fair, but DD has always enjoyed the abundant gifts.

Anyway, roll on to this year and the massive bags have arrived, one each for DH, me, DS2.

It just seems like a really odd and pointed and mean spirited stance to take. I don’t get on with SIL for many reasons and we barely speak so if she was going to stop buying for anyone I would suggest me! But a brief inspection of the gift bag looks like I’m in for a couple of hundred pounds worth (seriously) of ornaments, Yankee candles and too big/small pyjamas. There’s no logic here.

DD can have the pick of mine again obviously but that’s not the point. It’s obvs not a financial reason to stop buying. It’s just weird to me.

Very much a non problem, I am just posting for views and amusement.

AIBU to think this is nonsensical and a bit spiteful? Just wrap one of mine or DHs or DS2’s many many (generic) trinkets and label it for DD and DS, surely?

i would tell your dd that she has sent them for both of you.

where on earth does she get them?
does she wrap them?

Do your older DC buy SiL a present, or is it just a family present from all of you?

She may be thinking that now they’re adults she’s not going to keep buying them presents if they don’t get her one.

(Not saying I agree with this stance btw- they are still young even if technically adults).

That's how we've always done it in our family - once over 18, nieces and nephews don't get presents from aunts/uncles. I imagine (but apologies if I'm wrong) that your DD who was upset not to get a gift doesn't buy anything for her aunt and uncle?

Her extravagant buying is a separate issue, but sounds like it's the norm for her so I can see why she'd continue it for your younger child who hasn't had 18+ years of presents.

I was going to say- while it wouldn’t be a choice I would make, I kind of get her reasoning. BUT I didn’t realise she still bought for you and your husband!! Either all adults or none, surely? That’s so mean!

Its odd that she buys for the other adults in your house but not your adult dd. Honestly I'd be questioning this but I'd be starting to wonder does she just not like your dd and I'd say your dd will be wondering the same thing

Honestly I think some people are just a bit unhinged when it comes to gifts. Especially at Christmas.

I was thinking it was fine until you said she still buys for you and DH. How weird?! If you're not opening infront of her then just give DD your whole bag? And from next year just agree to stop all adults.

Surely she could have just still bought for everyone but shrunk their piles down. I see her reasoning on age but doesn't seem very fair at all.

Perhaps once they’re adults, it’s reasonable not to buy a gift if they don’t buy one back?

You could just say the huge sack is for both of you, and DH’s is for him and DS1?

Does seem to sit oddly with the huge sacks of present though I agree.

Maybe it’s also to do with the fact you have three DC and she has one?

I find it bizarre that she still buys for you and your dh but not your children. We stopped adult siblings gifts as we have 9 nieces/nephews so made sense to buy for them instead. Our eldest nieces are 26 and 23 and we still buy gifts but we have a budget of £20 for all nieces/nephews to make it easier for everyone.

I would ask sil to stop all adult gifts and only buy for your youngest.

I’m afraid I do the same. Edible gifts for siblings and in-laws and gifts for nieces / nephews under 18. Older nieces and nephews don’t get any more.

Is DD particularly close to her auntie? I'm just wondering why she was upset? Surely you all have a bit of a laugh about crazy aunty X's mad gift giving.

Seems odd to take it so seriously!

I stop doing presents for close friends' children after they turn 21. I haven't really decided yet about my actual nieces and nephews (a couple more years to go) but it might be 25.

But yes your SIL's approach to buying presents is bonkers, wasteful and pointless. I would treat the sackfuls as family gifts and have everyone dive in, lucky dip style😆

Yes I would absolutely be on board with not buying for adults at all! That would make perfect sense to me.

This way just seems unfair and odd. I’m not going to lose sleep over it, it goes in the big mental file of SIL stuff that baffles me (tip of the iceberg really).

We don't buy for other people's adult children. It has to stop somewhere. Do your adult children buy for her? If they do then yes she's being mean.

My family - I have 4 brothers all with children and I have 3, we decided just before my eldest niece was 21 that we would stop buying presents after the 21st birthday.

that does mean there were times when one child didn’t receive a present when parents and siblings did, and I have to admit I didn’t like it, I suggested buying some chocs or something but everyone including my niece said no stick with the plan.

we are now in the position where I only buy for brothers and sil’s, though I have to say I don’t spend hundreds! It’s normally single malt/brandy for brothers and favourite perfumes type thing for sil’s

I think buying for adults is a nightmare and it’s mostly clothes as they already have ehat they actually need and then they are fussy about styles/fShion.
i would buy adult DCs a nice present theactually want from you

Very weird to continue to give huge sacks to you and DH, like you say why not just redistribute and gift you each more moderately.

If it were me I'd have some fun with DD. Don't open all of yours and then let her have her pick - both look at them all wrapped and choose half each based on what you think they might be...could be very funny and you can still swap stuff once opened!

Also I do get the idea of having to stop somewhere, I have multiple siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins and we do a mix of different approaches and it’s drama free.

But SIL is an only child of only children. Her extended family is literally my children. There are no multitudes to buy for (which is why I’ve always assumed she goes so extra with the quantities). We’ve never asked for the massive sacks of swag and arbitrarily stopping them when DD was 18 (and DS was 20) but still going crazy on everyone else just seems a bit random.

So incredibly strange of her. Yeah it's a first world problem but anywhere in the world it would still be insane. What an awful feeling for your DD! I just wouldn't go, it would ruin Christmas.

That sounds very strange. Also, the weird random gifts and clothes that don’t fit suggests she buys it all on sale or it’s regifted? Does she give you a list of gifts her family want from you or do you choose gifts yourself?

Do your adult children buy for her?

It makes perfect sense to me. Buy for your siblings but not your siblings kids (when they are adults).

does she get them from an auction or something?

Do your adult children get your SIL a gift directly from themselves? Or do you get her gift and say it's from all of you? Wonder if that may play a part