SIL not doing presents for ‘adult’ niece and nephew

[PamFritters]

DH’s side of the family is quite small, he has his parents, two brothers (both married), one nephew(15). We have three dc, 21, 19 and 14. SIL (brothers wife, the ones with dn15) announced last minute last year that my adult DC weren’t getting presents any more.

I was a bit wtf about it but it’s her choice. However, the whole situation is a bit weird and here’s why.

Her gifting habits have always been a bit of an issue for me. She massively, MASSIVELY, over gifts. Every year we have had a least a large (sack sized) bag full of stuff for each of us for Christmas and birthday. Often hundreds of pounds worth of things but never things we want. Ornaments, clothes that don’t fit, random DVDs, oversized soft toys, just usually really generic ‘gifts’ but in massive quantities. I’ve had twenty something years of this and I’ve given up saying anything and now just gratefully accept and quietly give almost all of it away.

So last year when she said she wasn’t buying for DC 1 and 2 I was a bit puzzled but shrugged it off. And then Christmas morning DD was actually quite upset to receive absolutely nothing from them while I had one of the massive oversized gift bags full of candles, pyjamas, books I have no interest in and clothes that were two sizes too big. I let her have her pick but it just felt like a really weird statement to be making. DS1 couldn’t care less to be fair, but DD has always enjoyed the abundant gifts.

Anyway, roll on to this year and the massive bags have arrived, one each for DH, me, DS2.

It just seems like a really odd and pointed and mean spirited stance to take. I don’t get on with SIL for many reasons and we barely speak so if she was going to stop buying for anyone I would suggest me! But a brief inspection of the gift bag looks like I’m in for a couple of hundred pounds worth (seriously) of ornaments, Yankee candles and too big/small pyjamas. There’s no logic here.

DD can have the pick of mine again obviously but that’s not the point. It’s obvs not a financial reason to stop buying. It’s just weird to me.

Very much a non problem, I am just posting for views and amusement.

AIBU to think this is nonsensical and a bit spiteful? Just wrap one of mine or DHs or DS2’s many many (generic) trinkets and label it for DD and DS, surely?

Ideas:

1. She’s regifting gifts she’s received but not used?
2. She’s using Christmas as an excuse to satisfy a shopping addiction and her DH has tried to curtail it by cutting down on the number of people.
3. Number 2, but she also has insomnia, so it’s midnight TV shopping which is why it’s random tat.

I mean, what other excuses are there for gifting more than one set of pyjamas in several different wrong sizes? That’s bothering me.

On the ACTUAL topic of the thread, just tell DD your SIL-sac-o’-tat is really for her? Christmas white lies are what Christmas magic is made of. Starts with Santa, and never stops.

So weird! Like you and others, OP, I’d be ok with this if NO adults were exchanging gifts. A lot of families do this, especially larger ones where it gets unsustainable

That's very weird. I would stop buying for the parents before I stopped buying for adult Dc.

As this is your spouse's sister, why aren't they dealing with the issue?

We have a Secret Santa that is run by the oldest person who hasn't reached 18 years old. That way they organise it but they don't take part in it. We still buy them gifts. Once they turn 18 they join the rest of the adults and they buy one gift for whoever they get to be Secret Santa for and someone in the group will get them as their Secret Santa so they will get one gift for them. It works really well.

Could your spouse suggest that going forwards, doing a secret Santa would be a better option all around?

I’d unwrap the lot and ask the kids what they want from it.

Personally I think it was really rude of your DS to not start buying a little something for them once he was 18. She’s probably just hurt that after years of receiving a bag full from her a literal adult couldn’t buy her a box of chocolates or something for their cousin.

So she buys for people that are adults and that buy for her. Your adult children don't buy for her from what you have said. Seems fair to me.

Nothing to have stopped your children getting her a box of chocs last year, even if your daughter wasn't 18, she was over 16 and capable of getting her aunt something.

I think it's the weirdness of buying for adults but not those adults. And then overbuying for the adults you do buy for.

I find DHs parents odd. They bought gifts for all the grandkids until the 5th one turned up. (5th is not going to be followed). Then they decided there was too many kids and grandkids and they would have to buy less! I can understand them saying the cost of living was an issue (even with them going on £10,000 cruises twice a year!!! Id put it into the box of over consumption). But No.

They phrased it in a way which makes it sound like the last one, and only the last one made it a problem.

It's so thoughtless and insensitive.

DS is 3 out of 5 so it's not him that getting the shitty end of the stick.

Sensible Person.
I think buying less or cutting out gifts is the way to go from what I am reading.
Less stress, less waste, less moaning.

just tell DD your SIL-sac-o’-tat is really for her? Christmas white lies are what Christmas magic is made of.

what happens when the DD calls her aunt to wish her Merry Christmas and thank her for all her gifts?

I may be in the minority and accept it, but I kind of love the mad unhinged presents you get from that one relative. I don’t have that, I have very sensible (and from my in laws, stingy why bother at all) presents but I relish seeing what my friend gets in the post from her insane uncle in the north who I have never seen, not even at her wedding, so exists only at Christmas.

It feels like performative pointless gift giving. Really someone needs to tell her to stop or do vouchers

We stopped getting presents when we were 18 from aunts and uncles etc, however, what I was given by 1 aunt instead was a Terry's Chocolate orange with a £20 note tucked in the side - that was one of my favourite presents.

Do your DC say thank you to her directly? I’m thinking of stopping with my DN next year as I realised I’m buying for a 21 year old whose mum says thank you on her behalf and I don’t get anything in return. I’m not bothered about the value at all but even just a box of Maltesers shows a bit of thought.

Do what we’ve all had to do for centuries in such a situation obviously: bigger and bigger lies. “You can’t call SIL… she dropped it off on her way to the airport, and now she’s in… erm, the isolated outback, no phones, rescuing koalas from STDs, by, um, teaching them to practice safe sex.” Would SIL really give a shite about koalas? Maybe not. Are koalas actually riddled with STDs? Oh god yes, poor things.

My brother and his wife do this. I bloody dread the tin of truffles every year. I always end up taking them into work. I have told him repeatedly that me and DH don’t want anything but they still give us gifts. I don’t buy them anything but I do buy his DC (29 & 27) a gift.

In my case it went on till almost middle age though. I do think it's different for students.

Traditionally in my family you start giving your own presents when you get married and become your own family, but I'm a middle aged spinster so I'm not my own family neither can I really expect my parents to forge my signature on their gifts as if I still lived there.

Well capable of going to the shop, yes, but might not have her own income except for pocket money, which would be coming from OP anyway.

Same here 🤷🏽‍♀️

My DSis and I agreed to stop at 21. So my nephew and niece will get the usual cash this year but the 21yr old won't.

The 21yr actually earns far more than I do, lives at home, doesn't pay rent, so I don't feel bad.

My DC didn't get anything from 21 either (eldest), youngest was stopped at about 19.