SIL not doing presents for ‘adult’ niece and nephew

[PamFritters]

DH’s side of the family is quite small, he has his parents, two brothers (both married), one nephew(15). We have three dc, 21, 19 and 14. SIL (brothers wife, the ones with dn15) announced last minute last year that my adult DC weren’t getting presents any more.

I was a bit wtf about it but it’s her choice. However, the whole situation is a bit weird and here’s why.

Her gifting habits have always been a bit of an issue for me. She massively, MASSIVELY, over gifts. Every year we have had a least a large (sack sized) bag full of stuff for each of us for Christmas and birthday. Often hundreds of pounds worth of things but never things we want. Ornaments, clothes that don’t fit, random DVDs, oversized soft toys, just usually really generic ‘gifts’ but in massive quantities. I’ve had twenty something years of this and I’ve given up saying anything and now just gratefully accept and quietly give almost all of it away.

So last year when she said she wasn’t buying for DC 1 and 2 I was a bit puzzled but shrugged it off. And then Christmas morning DD was actually quite upset to receive absolutely nothing from them while I had one of the massive oversized gift bags full of candles, pyjamas, books I have no interest in and clothes that were two sizes too big. I let her have her pick but it just felt like a really weird statement to be making. DS1 couldn’t care less to be fair, but DD has always enjoyed the abundant gifts.

Anyway, roll on to this year and the massive bags have arrived, one each for DH, me, DS2.

It just seems like a really odd and pointed and mean spirited stance to take. I don’t get on with SIL for many reasons and we barely speak so if she was going to stop buying for anyone I would suggest me! But a brief inspection of the gift bag looks like I’m in for a couple of hundred pounds worth (seriously) of ornaments, Yankee candles and too big/small pyjamas. There’s no logic here.

DD can have the pick of mine again obviously but that’s not the point. It’s obvs not a financial reason to stop buying. It’s just weird to me.

Very much a non problem, I am just posting for views and amusement.

AIBU to think this is nonsensical and a bit spiteful? Just wrap one of mine or DHs or DS2’s many many (generic) trinkets and label it for DD and DS, surely?

Cant your dh deal with it as its his side. Say either no adults or just the kids to her. Someone needs a back bone and it shouldn't be you that has to do it. Its mean of your dh to let sil do this I think.

I wouldn't say spiteful no. And I'd stop gifting to her ds when he gets to that age.
If the gifts are never personal to you, can't you just change the label on your gift and hand it to your dd if she's bothered?

No. DD has only been working for a few months and DS1 is away at Uni.

And we get them (Bil, Sil, DN) one (requested) gift each with a £30 or so limit. I did used to feel obligated to go big in return but I stopped a long time ago and it made no difference.

It’s really not about the gifts.

It upset DD only because it was last minute last year and the big bag of odd swag from mad Aunty was a big part of Christmas Day up until last year, out of all of us DD was the one who genuinely enjoyed the gifts (she loves a trinket). She wasn’t traumatised or anything 🤣 but a little sad and we couldn’t see any logic behind the choice.

If the gifts are that generic, just split your bag with DD and DHs bag with DS1 before opening. You say you've got them already, so plenty of time to 're-sack' them.

I told my siblings that they no longer need to buy for my ds now he's 18, but they still want to, so that's nice. We used to buy for DHs cousin's kids, up til they were 18. Our kids were younger then, but once cousins' kids hit 18 they stopped buying for ours, even though they were younger, which I thought was quite mean, especially as we'd sent gifts to theirs for 18 years! Christmas gifting etiquette is quite bizarre sometimes. Sounds like your SIL regifts stuff to you, or gets it in the sales, perhaps you should gently suggest reducing the quantities as it's wasteful. I'm surprised your daughter gets upset about it at her age though, best not to make a thing out of it maybe? Or if it really bothers her, tell her to buy her aunt a present and see what happens the following year?

That’s pretty much what will happen!

’No’ in my last post was supposed to be in answer to do my kids buy for SIL, by the way.

Oh man this has reminded me of the relative who used to get the weirdest presents that I actively would never have wanted. Think corrugated cardboard clock, mud brown and orange plastic raincoat (for a 8 year old), £1.99 version of the complete works of Janes Austen for a 9 year old. Once I was old enough to find it funny was the high point of Christmas Day. It is still something we reminisce fondly
over. I guess you could use it for the same purpose 🤷‍♀️

Do your adult daughters live with you ? I think the way she does it seems she considers them separate households. Your DD who likes this tradition can start sending to her auntie Christmas gifts and express to her this is something she enjoys and would like to continue. She now that is an adult can establish her own traditions.

We all stopped buying for teh children once they became adults.

I doubt very much your children were buying for them ...

Yes!! It’s definitely been that kind of vibe over the years.

Well your children should have been buying gifts in return really. That said I wouldn’t want a huge bag of bits every year. What about morphing it to one gift between the families.

I would tell SIL that your daughter really loved her bags of swag, so please could she label yours as joint for the two of you, and your husbands as joint for him and DS1

My aunt did this and I was surprised and disappointed to learn I’d not be getting anything, not that the gifts were in any way extravagant, quite the opposite. Idk if my mother stopped when my cousins got to 18. They’re older.

… But it would be good manners for your kids to buy presents for adults there on Christmas Day (I’d have been doing that from about 8)

I agree with you: it’s totally weird

We’re not seeing them Xmas day (I don’t really see her at all now). I’ll share my bag with DD. It’s not about the actual presents at all, of course.

There are twenty plus years of oddness and resentment tangled up in this!

My MIL does this tonnes of present stuff. I did suggest to husband we ask to reduce it down (mine too goes to 2nd hand shop, who are getting a bit picky about taking stuff).

My husband said its because she likes giving, and seeing people open stuff.

My husband gets a gift for his sister and BIL (because they buy for us) but we no longer buy for the three adult nephews.

They don't buy for us and although yeah, it's not give to receive, it did seem silly buying three extra gifts for strapping men in their 20s who don't reciprocate. Your 'kids' are adults and therefore old enough to get a small gift each for their aunty.

Personally we'd be happy doing away with the SIL/BIL gifts entirely but SIL likes it. 🤷‍♀️

She's probably making a point because they are adults but don't buy anything for her or her family.

Splitting the amount between you all might not make sense to her, because she counts that sack in its entirety as a single present. And she's only giving a present to those who give to her (and children).

I would understand if she didn't buy for you and DH and has now stopped buying for the adult children...but to buy for you and DH and the child, but not them is weird.

We now have secret santa for the adults with a £30 limit and grandchildren get a present each with a £50 limit.

If she had tons of children in the family then I could see her point, but as it is then I think she's being a bit daft. DH suggested this year that we stop arbitrarily at 18 for our Nieces on his side, but there are only two of them, we see them often including on Christmas Day and the £15/£20 each we spend on them doesn't break the bank.

Perhaps we'll reconsider when they leave home and start their own households but for now I'm not turning up at Christmas with a token gift for SIL's Boyfriend's Mum (who is also always there but that's the only time we see her) but not for our actual Nieces!

Just tell her that next year you won’t be buying for adults so can she not but for you and dh

It's odd that she thinks it's ok for one person in your household not to receive anything while the others get mountains of gifts.

Tbh, unless your DD is close to her aunt, I also find it a bit odd that she's upset.

Does your DD ever thank her aunt for the gifts? Have you suggested it's time she started reciprocating and giving something?

Seems odd to suggest the SIL is 'spiteful' based on what you have said. It's probably more that she feels unappreciated.

My nan doesn't do gifts for me anymore but the young grandchildren do get gifts