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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing presents for ‘adult’ niece and nephew

119 replies

PamFritters · 03/12/2023 08:48

DH’s side of the family is quite small, he has his parents, two brothers (both married), one nephew(15). We have three dc, 21, 19 and 14. SIL (brothers wife, the ones with dn15) announced last minute last year that my adult DC weren’t getting presents any more.

I was a bit wtf about it but it’s her choice. However, the whole situation is a bit weird and here’s why.

Her gifting habits have always been a bit of an issue for me. She massively, MASSIVELY, over gifts. Every year we have had a least a large (sack sized) bag full of stuff for each of us for Christmas and birthday. Often hundreds of pounds worth of things but never things we want. Ornaments, clothes that don’t fit, random DVDs, oversized soft toys, just usually really generic ‘gifts’ but in massive quantities. I’ve had twenty something years of this and I’ve given up saying anything and now just gratefully accept and quietly give almost all of it away.

So last year when she said she wasn’t buying for DC 1 and 2 I was a bit puzzled but shrugged it off. And then Christmas morning DD was actually quite upset to receive absolutely nothing from them while I had one of the massive oversized gift bags full of candles, pyjamas, books I have no interest in and clothes that were two sizes too big. I let her have her pick but it just felt like a really weird statement to be making. DS1 couldn’t care less to be fair, but DD has always enjoyed the abundant gifts.

Anyway, roll on to this year and the massive bags have arrived, one each for DH, me, DS2.

It just seems like a really odd and pointed and mean spirited stance to take. I don’t get on with SIL for many reasons and we barely speak so if she was going to stop buying for anyone I would suggest me! But a brief inspection of the gift bag looks like I’m in for a couple of hundred pounds worth (seriously) of ornaments, Yankee candles and too big/small pyjamas. There’s no logic here.

DD can have the pick of mine again obviously but that’s not the point. It’s obvs not a financial reason to stop buying. It’s just weird to me.

Very much a non problem, I am just posting for views and amusement.

AIBU to think this is nonsensical and a bit spiteful? Just wrap one of mine or DHs or DS2’s many many (generic) trinkets and label it for DD and DS, surely?

OP posts:
ActDottie · 03/12/2023 10:06

Once we were adults we stopped getting gifts from our uncles and aunts. To me that’s the norm.

Littlewhitecat · 03/12/2023 10:08

My SIL is similarly strange about gifts. We've had some years with a "family gift" and some years with multiple unlabelled gifts so we have no idea who any of it was meant for. She has some MH issues which mean she can compulsively buy multiple items if she thinks it is a bargain, irrespective of whether anyone in the family needs it wants them. Our Christmas presents often reflect her doing her cupboards out. Nothing is ever wrapped, just put in a big bag or bags. I've tried to be understanding but the flip side of this is she is very prescriptive about what her family wants and will think nothing of asking for very expensive items. My DB doesn't give a shit and leaves all present buying to SIL, whilst moaning about her compulsive shopping habits. It's all a bit sad. I've just carried on buying for all of them because I like to and my nephews are still children. But it's frustrating at times.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 03/12/2023 10:08

My SIL declared that she would not be buying gifts for my teens (19 and 17) this year, but included a list of presents her dds (15 and 14) wanted IN THE SAME MESSAGE.

Surely a tenner in a gift card, even for adult 'dc' isn't such a stretch? Especially if there are other (even adultier adults) being bought for?

Each to their own. A token gesture would still be more meaningful and seasonally appropriate than a blanket 'we've decided to do this' nothingness.

Angrycat2768 · 03/12/2023 10:09

Is she thinking to the future, where if she buys for all 3 of your children when they are adults, she will still be buying for 5 people where you will be buying for 3 people? Still doesn't make sense as she could just share it out, but it may go some way to explaining why she doesn't just want to relabel your bags for your DC's. I would be happy to have a 'no adults' rule but on my side, I am the only one of my siblings with children, so it seems unfair that they are buying presents for my kids and they don't get anything, so I buy presents for them. My SIL keeps buying us presents as well as the kids so we then reciprocate when I would rather just buy for the kids(although she did get us a really useful family calendar last year! )

Morewineplease10 · 03/12/2023 10:12

Bizarre!

cottonstar · 03/12/2023 10:16

Isthisexpected · 03/12/2023 09:14

It makes perfect sense to me. Buy for your siblings but not your siblings kids (when they are adults).

Me too.

Though I’d have mentioned after last Christmas that I would be happy to do no adult presents at all.

Winnipeggy · 03/12/2023 10:21

My SIL is exactly the same with the over gifting, literally bags full of stuff that I would never want or use. But she expects the same back, it's a weird validation thing for her I think, but the not buying for your adult children but still buying for you is pretty crazy. I would just explain to your daughter she has different ways of doing things and give her your sack

NotTheLastUserName · 03/12/2023 10:22

Why is your brother not in any way part of this discussion/WTF view of this present giving? Does he not buy presents for you/your DC?

ANightingale · 03/12/2023 10:23

Will your adult DC be buying presents for their aunt?

Angelsrose · 03/12/2023 10:24

I think (as I'm sure the op does too) that this is a non-issue especially as this will not all unfold on Christmas day in person. Seems sensible to just give your bag to DD as you won't enjoy the gifts at all and don't like and resent your SIL for previous grievances. No-one should expect presents especially from those you actively dislike.

Canisaysomething · 03/12/2023 10:30

Why can’t you just put away the presents your and DH get and open them another time? Then tell adult DC if they want to keep aunt and uncle presents going they can arrange this between themselves directly. There are so many ways you could manage this your end by being tactful and discreet with what you and DH have received.

Personally I was hugely relieved as an adult when aunt and uncle presents stopped.

Tiiredofthiss · 03/12/2023 10:33

I think not buying for adult nieces and nephews is quite normal in some families/social circles, unless they're particularly close and the adult niece/nephew buys for the aunty.
Your SIL is clearly weird buying huge bags of gifts you don't want, but that's a separate issue.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 03/12/2023 10:34

Send it all back to her on her birthday every year 😆

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 03/12/2023 10:37

Isthisexpected · 03/12/2023 09:14

It makes perfect sense to me. Buy for your siblings but not your siblings kids (when they are adults).

If you're close to in-laws perhaps. If you hardly speak to each other and don't get on its bizarre to buy a massive bag of gifts

Iwasafool · 03/12/2023 10:42

PamFritters · 03/12/2023 09:25

No. DD has only been working for a few months and DS1 is away at Uni.

And we get them (Bil, Sil, DN) one (requested) gift each with a £30 or so limit. I did used to feel obligated to go big in return but I stopped a long time ago and it made no difference.

It’s really not about the gifts.

It upset DD only because it was last minute last year and the big bag of odd swag from mad Aunty was a big part of Christmas Day up until last year, out of all of us DD was the one who genuinely enjoyed the gifts (she loves a trinket). She wasn’t traumatised or anything 🤣 but a little sad and we couldn’t see any logic behind the choice.

Did DD get pocketmoney, money from anyone for Christmas/Birthdays? My GC have bought their own presents for their aunts and uncles since they were school age. Might just be a tube of Smarties at first but yes they spent their money buying a present for someone who spent £s on them.

Maybe talk to your DD about the joy of giving as well as receiving.

Ohnoooooooo · 03/12/2023 10:43

It’s kind of obvious you and hubby gets pressies as you buy for her and hubby - she still wants to get your gifts.
with such a random selection any chance she is regifting or shop lifting your gifts? Buying second hand?

Grimbelina · 03/12/2023 10:45

It is pretty weird all around, but surely you just say this to your daughter and then say have my gift if it is more important to you. Have your oldest children ever bought gifts for their aunt and uncle? Did they always thank them properly?

I bought my DH's numerous nieces lovely gifts for years and never had thanks. I stopped when when I was speaking to their father on Xmas day, could hear the nieces sitting on the sofa next to him and they still couldn't come on the phone and say thanks.

Ohnoooooooo · 03/12/2023 10:45

We all just buy one gift and put in it a pile and starting with oldest person each person gets to choose a present to unwrap. The fun but is you can force someone to swap with you when you first open your gift - that’s why oldest person starts as more chance kids get to swap to something they like

Iwasafool · 03/12/2023 10:46

ActDottie · 03/12/2023 10:06

Once we were adults we stopped getting gifts from our uncles and aunts. To me that’s the norm.

I always thought it was what most people did.

Paddleboarder · 03/12/2023 10:46

People in our family don't buy for adult nieces and nephews and I think that's fine. They barely see them anyway and wouldn't have a clue. But I think they shouldn't be buying for you and your husband either.

Whalewatchers · 03/12/2023 10:48

Even our young children get more than enough from us, their parents, that we are glad it's only my parents that give them a single gift each. The world's gone mad with over-gifting, consumer crap.

Daffodil63 · 03/12/2023 10:55

Totally weird and it's understandable your DD is upset. Presents up to the age of 18 only and adults not included in our large family. Can your husband say something to her like please don't buy for us let's just stick to the DC?

GrandHighPoohbah · 03/12/2023 10:56

In our family we buy for children under 18 and have a secret Santa for the adults. Once they turn 18 they join the adult secret Santa and we stop the individual gifts. That feels a lot more inclusive.

Tandora · 03/12/2023 11:03

I think it’s normal to stop buying gifts for a niece / nephew once they become adults. If your children were going to be upset they should have thought to get something for their aunt? I started buying presents for others (including adults in my family) at Christmas at 12! Obviously I didn’t have a lot to spent, but that wasn’t the point.
As a pp said , gift giving at Christmas is part of the fun as much as receiving.

i get you don’t like/ approve of what your SIL buys you but that’s a separate issue.
So many people don’t seem to understand gift giving, it’s not about what you receive, it’s the relationship/ act of reciprocity. Once a child becomes an adult that really does need to start going both ways or where does it stop?

ssd · 03/12/2023 11:07

SIL sounds extremely weird