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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing presents for ‘adult’ niece and nephew

119 replies

PamFritters · 03/12/2023 08:48

DH’s side of the family is quite small, he has his parents, two brothers (both married), one nephew(15). We have three dc, 21, 19 and 14. SIL (brothers wife, the ones with dn15) announced last minute last year that my adult DC weren’t getting presents any more.

I was a bit wtf about it but it’s her choice. However, the whole situation is a bit weird and here’s why.

Her gifting habits have always been a bit of an issue for me. She massively, MASSIVELY, over gifts. Every year we have had a least a large (sack sized) bag full of stuff for each of us for Christmas and birthday. Often hundreds of pounds worth of things but never things we want. Ornaments, clothes that don’t fit, random DVDs, oversized soft toys, just usually really generic ‘gifts’ but in massive quantities. I’ve had twenty something years of this and I’ve given up saying anything and now just gratefully accept and quietly give almost all of it away.

So last year when she said she wasn’t buying for DC 1 and 2 I was a bit puzzled but shrugged it off. And then Christmas morning DD was actually quite upset to receive absolutely nothing from them while I had one of the massive oversized gift bags full of candles, pyjamas, books I have no interest in and clothes that were two sizes too big. I let her have her pick but it just felt like a really weird statement to be making. DS1 couldn’t care less to be fair, but DD has always enjoyed the abundant gifts.

Anyway, roll on to this year and the massive bags have arrived, one each for DH, me, DS2.

It just seems like a really odd and pointed and mean spirited stance to take. I don’t get on with SIL for many reasons and we barely speak so if she was going to stop buying for anyone I would suggest me! But a brief inspection of the gift bag looks like I’m in for a couple of hundred pounds worth (seriously) of ornaments, Yankee candles and too big/small pyjamas. There’s no logic here.

DD can have the pick of mine again obviously but that’s not the point. It’s obvs not a financial reason to stop buying. It’s just weird to me.

Very much a non problem, I am just posting for views and amusement.

AIBU to think this is nonsensical and a bit spiteful? Just wrap one of mine or DHs or DS2’s many many (generic) trinkets and label it for DD and DS, surely?

OP posts:
zingally · 03/12/2023 11:08

Just filter through the bag of tat now and separate some bits for DD if she cares that much.

But frankly, a 20/21yo being upset about no gift from an auntie she (presumably) doesn't have much (if any) of a relationship with, is a bit silly on it's own. I'd be picking apart what that's about personally. Maybe her love language is receiving gifts. But even so, she's old enough to realise that a sack of stuff that you never asked for, that doesn't fit etc, is weird.

On a similar vein, I remember this happening with my assorted aunties/uncles, who decided en-masse, that they were no longer buying gifts for the nieces/nephews. It worked out well for my older sister, who as the oldest cousin, was about 24 at the time. But I felt a bit sorry for my youngest cousin, who was only 18.

dogmandu · 03/12/2023 11:16

Haven't read the full thread, but does she buy a large box of Amazon returns - contents unseen - that I believe you can get online somewhere?

Smellslikesummer · 03/12/2023 11:18

You say your DD doesn’t gift anything to her aunt as she just started a new job but she could gift something handmade: food, cross stitch etc.
I suspect the aunt is making a point, and I can understand her position to be honest, at 21/19 they are old enough to take some initiative instead of just expecting others to gift but receive nothing in return.

Original poster
PamFritters · 03/12/2023 11:20

zingally · 03/12/2023 11:08

Just filter through the bag of tat now and separate some bits for DD if she cares that much.

But frankly, a 20/21yo being upset about no gift from an auntie she (presumably) doesn't have much (if any) of a relationship with, is a bit silly on it's own. I'd be picking apart what that's about personally. Maybe her love language is receiving gifts. But even so, she's old enough to realise that a sack of stuff that you never asked for, that doesn't fit etc, is weird.

On a similar vein, I remember this happening with my assorted aunties/uncles, who decided en-masse, that they were no longer buying gifts for the nieces/nephews. It worked out well for my older sister, who as the oldest cousin, was about 24 at the time. But I felt a bit sorry for my youngest cousin, who was only 18.

DD was 18 last Christmas, and only just.

OP posts:
GirlsAloudReturnMadeMyYEAR · 03/12/2023 11:22

Agree with the posters saying all adults or none! Very odd. When I turned about 16 I started getting aunts and uncles their own gifts anyway, so wasn't as though if this happened in my family it was because it wasn't being reciprocated by another earning adult

Original poster
PamFritters · 03/12/2023 11:24

And she wasn’t upset about no gifts as much as about being left out.

DS (who was 20) wasn’t bothered and in fact left a lot of his stuff here (I am currently wearing the dressing gown he got from my sister as he didn’t want it).

I don’t care about Christmas gifts but more about the intent they show. I felt swamping us with unasked for gifts for years was a power play (she used to do it with cast off clothes as well, just drop them on the doorstep, many brand new and unworn). And now the absense of gifts for DC feels pointed as well.

There is every chance I am overthinking it. She has been awful to me over the years.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2023 11:25

I would just announce you are only doing presents for under 18s from now and just buy for DN.

It's all a bit bonkers they way SIL had behaved.

Nineteendays · 03/12/2023 11:27

I suppose she’s thinking that they’re adults now and if they aren’t buying for her then she isn’t buying for them. And when would it stop- would they get the giant bags in their 30s? And still not be giving auntie a gift in return?

the giant bags in themselves tho are odd.

NotExactlySuits · 03/12/2023 11:28

I mean, it's all totally weird but for me the weirdest part is that the presents have all been handed over and it's only 3rd December...

Original poster
PamFritters · 03/12/2023 11:34

NotExactlySuits · 03/12/2023 11:28

I mean, it's all totally weird but for me the weirdest part is that the presents have all been handed over and it's only 3rd December...

Oh don’t get me started. I haven’t even begun shopping yet.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 03/12/2023 11:37

I’d tell her you are no longer buying any adults presents so she shouldn’t buy for you and DH. Kids only.

Bearbookagainandagain · 03/12/2023 11:38

I think your adults children should say nothing and then make a point to give her a present, just to make her feel shit about it!

Original poster
PamFritters · 03/12/2023 11:41

We’ve stopped adult presents in my family, we just go out for the day together or have a big expensive dinner. But my big two (only adult grandchildren so far) are still counted in the ‘kids’. I expect my sisters and I might rein it in a bit with each others kids as they get older but for now it all rumbles along.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 03/12/2023 11:42

If make it into a family game myself. Just put all of the sacks into one big box or whatever and everyone pull out a present in turn. Then you can keep going about people can swap or take another or whatever. Make it fun! We have some odd gift giving in our family and you just have to ride with it I think.

Iwasafool · 03/12/2023 11:47

Loverofoxbowlakes · 03/12/2023 10:08

My SIL declared that she would not be buying gifts for my teens (19 and 17) this year, but included a list of presents her dds (15 and 14) wanted IN THE SAME MESSAGE.

Surely a tenner in a gift card, even for adult 'dc' isn't such a stretch? Especially if there are other (even adultier adults) being bought for?

Each to their own. A token gesture would still be more meaningful and seasonally appropriate than a blanket 'we've decided to do this' nothingness.

Presumably the 19 and 17 year olds got present when the were 15 and 14 so I can't see the issue. Not sure why the oldest nieces and nephews should get more than the younger ones.

I'm feeling a bit guilty as I;ve realised my oldest GS has been getting presents off me for 20 years and I might be dead before the youngest gets anywhere close to 20. Not sure how to make that fair.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 03/12/2023 11:50

I would have thought that you and your kids could just assign it to " bizarre gifting from relative"
I had various versions of this, as did my kids. My own dear sister one year specify what she wanted for her kids ( £20/£30) and then gave my eldest a hair bobble. Beautifully wrapped but a bog standard hair bobble non the less.
We just has hysterics in the car home later.
I think you just need to shift your mindset on it. Cos she ain't gonna change!

Fionaville · 03/12/2023 11:57

Absolutely bonkers! I can't imagine my SILs buying for me, but not their neices and nephews. In husbands family, we don't buy for every adult, we do a secret santa so every adult gets something from their wishlist. The oldest neice is 19 now, but we still buy for her because it feels mean not to. She's still a kid to me. Your SIL is weird!!

honeyytoast · 03/12/2023 12:07

WillowTit · 03/12/2023 08:51

i would tell your dd that she has sent them for both of you.

where on earth does she get them?
does she wrap them?

do this and send a message along the lines of thank you, dd really loves the candles/whatever else

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2023 12:15

"Perhaps once they’re adults, it’s reasonable not to buy a gift if they don’t buy one back?"

Exactly this. Once you're earning I'd say. My aunts continued to give me gifts for a long time and I gave nothing back and was mostly embarrassed about it.

wjpa · 03/12/2023 12:22

What a weirdo. She could just give nieces (and your ds) a £20 amazon voucher each and it'd be far more useful than the sackfuls of shit that she gives to you, dh and ds. And it wouldn't exclude anyone!

wjpa · 03/12/2023 12:23

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2023 12:15

"Perhaps once they’re adults, it’s reasonable not to buy a gift if they don’t buy one back?"

Exactly this. Once you're earning I'd say. My aunts continued to give me gifts for a long time and I gave nothing back and was mostly embarrassed about it.

I will send my nieces stuff when they are adults and definitely wouldn't expect them to spend their money on me. They will be starting out in life. I would feel awful if they spent money on me.

Autumn1990 · 03/12/2023 12:26

I would just take the 3 bags of random gifts and divide them up amongst 5 to unwrap.

ExTheCheater · 03/12/2023 12:28

Don't see the problem with her not buying for adult kids.

NoTouch · 03/12/2023 12:28

I stop buying gifts for the family "children" at 21. Although I do still give them a bottle of their preferred booze for Christmas/new year from our staff shop, but only if I see them.

If your adult dc wants to have a relationship close enough to their aunt that they exchange gifts it is now up to them. Otherwise they should be thankful for the many years of gifts they did receive.

BungleandGeorge · 03/12/2023 12:31

For most people siblings are a closer family member than nieces nephews. Lots of families stop buying for them when adult (although I’m not sure 18 and still in sixth form is adult really). Your daughter is working and would like a big bag of presents from her aunt but doesn’t buy anything in return? Surely she herself sees that’s a bit odd

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