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Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 04/12/2023 12:10

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 11:15

Women can make their own decisions and do not need to be coerced by you or anyone else.

I'm not coercing anyone luv I'm suggesting that cancer screening is a good idea and I'm entitled to that opinion

I’m not your “luv”.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but not your own facts. Screening is not “a good idea” for everyone. There are benefits, and also risks.

Hbh17 · 04/12/2023 12:36

Individuals have free choice 're all their personal health matters. I'm sure I've made decisions that would horrify my friends, if they knew. But it doesn't matter, because it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Just do/don't do whatever you like and politely change the subject if he raises it again.

Hbh17 · 04/12/2023 12:47

There are lots of reasons why someone would choose not to have any type of screening, but the rest of us absolutely do NOT need to know. Yet again, a poster trying to imply pressure on complete strangers!

MiracleMumm · 04/12/2023 12:55

He is being over bearing, but if you have DC then it might be worth facing your fear…I recently met a lady who had incurable breast cancer (bracca). Her recently deceased elderly mother had always refused to get checked. As a result, this lady and her three siblings had all found out too late. It was a death sentence for all four of them. Go get a smear. The health professionals are all women, and excellent at putting patients at ease.

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 13:00

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 11:31

@CallieQ what does your DP's examination have to do with cervical screening? By that same token people have open heart surgery so I guess your DP can't complain if he finds a digital rectum exam painful? It would be great if just once the focus could be on the topic at hand rather than all this whataboutery.

But if we are going there, a DRE (which is what your DP had) does not involve the doctor using a tool to widen your DP's back passage, and then scraping the walls of your DP's back passage with another tool.

And going back to women, and specifically cervical screening, due to, you know, patriarchy and all, there are many, many women who unfortunately associate any act around their genitalia with pain, violence and trauma. So for a lot of women a cervical screening is not a 'simple' medical procedure. It can feel like a violation.

@DropDeadFreida

If you read my post properly I was responding to someone who implied that men do not have to go through invasive tests.

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 13:03

And going back to women, and specifically cervical screening, due to, you know, patriarchy and all, there are many, many women who unfortunately associate any act around their genitalia with pain, violence and trauma. So for a lot of women a cervical screening is not a 'simple' medical procedure. It can feel like a violation.

I do not believe any medical screening is misogynistic or anything to do with'the patriarchy'. I have always had these sort of tests done by a woman who was respectful and caring

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 13:08

@CallieQ the person you initially responded to is me. And the medical establishment is an inherently misogynistic one: there are countless papers, books and research that back this up.

And my point about patriarchy was focused on the fact that due to the incredibly high levels of sexual assault and harassment women go through as a sex class, any procedure in and around the genitals can be traumatic for women.

FreshWinterMorning · 04/12/2023 13:13

WOW! He sounds bizarrely controlling and manipulative. I would be the one doing the unfriending if I were you @pussinboots61 He sounds batshit.

I also don't get though, why you would discuss this with anyone, let alone a male friend. How bizarre!

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 13:15

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 13:08

@CallieQ the person you initially responded to is me. And the medical establishment is an inherently misogynistic one: there are countless papers, books and research that back this up.

And my point about patriarchy was focused on the fact that due to the incredibly high levels of sexual assault and harassment women go through as a sex class, any procedure in and around the genitals can be traumatic for women.

@DropDeadFreida

Well you implied that men do not have to go through invasive medical procedures which is not true. You can say it's all misogynistic if you like I don't agree. I personally think that cancer screening is set up to catch cancer early and therefore save lives , there really isn't anything else to say

FreshWinterMorning · 04/12/2023 13:16

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 04/12/2023 12:10

I’m not your “luv”.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but not your own facts. Screening is not “a good idea” for everyone. There are benefits, and also risks.

Show quote history

This. ^ I have had cervical smears every 3 years since my mid 20s. I have not had once since 50-51, and I don't intend to have any more. (Now mid-late 50s.) I have not told anyone - not my DH, my best friend, or my adult DDs, because as this thread is illustrating, people judge you for it, and stick their beak - and their unwanted opinion in.

I never want another smear, and it is my right to refuse. My body - MY rules!

NeedToChangeName · 04/12/2023 13:17

I do not believe any medical screening is misogynistic or anything to do with'the patriarchy'. I have always had these sort of tests done by a woman who was respectful and caring

@CallieQ like you, I've only ever been treated with respect and kindness

But, I do think that if men had to tolerate smear tests, then better ways of testing would have been found by now eg blood test / urine sample

Blablah1234 · 04/12/2023 13:18

As long as you're aware that the HPV virus cannot be totally cleared from anyone's system therefore a negative test at one point doesn't mean the virus will not be active in the future if you're immune system is weakened for any reason. The smear test also is an opportunity for your cervix to be visualised by a nurse or GP in case you have any obvious abnormality.

FreshWinterMorning · 04/12/2023 13:19

@CallieQ why are you not accepting that some women don't want to have a cervical smear? What's it to you? Why are you so insistent every woman should have them, and they are 'wrong' if they don't? As has been said, there are benefits to smears yes, but there are also risks.

Same with breast cancer screening, there are risks with that. I have been offered breast cancer screening several times since my mid 40s, and have refused it every time ... I will never have it, and I shan't be explaining why.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2023 13:20

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 11:15

Women can make their own decisions and do not need to be coerced by you or anyone else.

I'm not coercing anyone luv I'm suggesting that cancer screening is a good idea and I'm entitled to that opinion

You can do that by presenting the facts and letting women make a choice without the emotional blackmail or guilt tripping. Treat women as adults rather than trying to peer pressure. If the benefits stand up on their own, their no reason to engage in abusive and coercive messaging.

FreshWinterMorning · 04/12/2023 13:20

NeedToChangeName · 04/12/2023 13:17

I do not believe any medical screening is misogynistic or anything to do with'the patriarchy'. I have always had these sort of tests done by a woman who was respectful and caring

@CallieQ like you, I've only ever been treated with respect and kindness

But, I do think that if men had to tolerate smear tests, then better ways of testing would have been found by now eg blood test / urine sample

Exactly this. Women are treated as inferior to men, and always have been.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2023 13:23

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 13:03

And going back to women, and specifically cervical screening, due to, you know, patriarchy and all, there are many, many women who unfortunately associate any act around their genitalia with pain, violence and trauma. So for a lot of women a cervical screening is not a 'simple' medical procedure. It can feel like a violation.

I do not believe any medical screening is misogynistic or anything to do with'the patriarchy'. I have always had these sort of tests done by a woman who was respectful and caring

So YOU have had a positive experience. That's nice dear.

Perhaps you'd like to listen to and acknowledge all the women who have had a very negative one.

Threads like this always generate some awful stories about poor care or harassment/abuse.

Blablah1234 · 04/12/2023 13:25

This isn't true. The screening process gramme doesn't end at 65 because after that your risk is lowered it's because screening becomes more difficult due to natural aging of that area. Your risk of CC increases with age as it does with all cancers, you just can't be adequately screened.

Kittensat36 · 04/12/2023 13:41

A friend's DP had womb cancer and he discussed things with me about it (with her permission, of course).

Anyway, during one of these chats, he started saying "you do have your....." And then apologised, saying that it's none of his business. Which is where your friend should be.

Even my best friend, who has just finished treatment for cervical doesn't ask. If anyone has the right to evangelise, it's her..

So, no, you friend has no business behaving this way. Threatening to unfriend? That 0-60 is well out of order.

Melroses · 04/12/2023 14:19

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 00:41

@DropDeadFreida yes, it was only the random bleed (a once-off, I suspect caused by my first Covid shot) that persuaded me to get another. Didn't think much of the gynaecologist - bloke had had a humour bypass - but even he was better than that first one. Never felt pain like it except when I passed a kidney stone (well, kidney sand, it was so fine it didn't show on x-rays).

And to cap it all Dr Unspeakable said she was using a child-size instrument she regularly used on a little girl whose father was abusing her. This was before mandatory reporting became law here, but I always wondered if she was just shrugging it off, and why the hell she mentioned that to another patient.

Blimey that is awful on so many levels. That poor girl. I hope their sterilisation procedures were better than their confidentiality & child safeguarding procedures.

Thank goodness for disposable speculums now though.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 04/12/2023 14:27

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 13:03

And going back to women, and specifically cervical screening, due to, you know, patriarchy and all, there are many, many women who unfortunately associate any act around their genitalia with pain, violence and trauma. So for a lot of women a cervical screening is not a 'simple' medical procedure. It can feel like a violation.

I do not believe any medical screening is misogynistic or anything to do with'the patriarchy'. I have always had these sort of tests done by a woman who was respectful and caring

Well that’s good for you. But surely you can understand that your experience isn’t universal?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 04/12/2023 14:28

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

He's an overbearing dickhead. Tell him that when he has a cervix he can decide what to do with it, but until then he can fuck off and if he ever mentions it again the friendship is over.

Ponoka7 · 04/12/2023 14:34

mummyh2016 · 04/12/2023 07:28

@Ponoka7 well it is needed for that 10% isn't it?
I couldn't care less what you choose to do with your body but please don't post misinformation on here that if you're not currently sexually active you don't need a smear. It's dangerous - it only takes one person to believe what you've posted. Your 'specialist nurse' either needs retraining or you're chatting bollocks.

No, 10% won't clear it. Out of that 10% a tiny fraction will go on to develop Cancer, but that could take 10-15 years. which makes the three year smear post menopause unnecessary. In my case the 5-10 year change of coil is enough and not something I object to. That small percentage of people who have HPV are more likely to develop throat, neck and mouth cancers than gynecological. My specialist nurse is in immunology and took part in the research into swabbing for oral HPV, which they are now doing in some circumstances. I never said that because someone isn't sexually active they shouldn't have a smear. I said that there are groups of women who don't need the amount of smears that they are offered. It's laughable really because when I was peri and irregularly bleeding , but sexually active, they wouldn't do one while I was spotting, so I didn't have one for five years.

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 14:49

Melroses · 04/12/2023 14:22

There was an interesting article in the BMJ about the infantilisation of women over cervical screening.

https://www.bmj.com/content/383/bmj.p2772

That is a fantastic piece, thank you for sharing. It's utterly infuriating.

allhellcantstopusnow · 04/12/2023 15:28

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 00:56

He's not right it's none of his business but you should go for smear tests ... why wouldn't you

A myriad of reasons, none of which are your business.

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