Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my friend - he is upset with me for not having a smear test

315 replies

pussinboots61 · 03/12/2023 00:17

This is a sensitive subject but here goes. I have never had a smear test. I do have reasons but I can't cope with the thoughts of it. I am now 62, been married twice, I haven't been sexually active for some time now.

I will go for other tests but refuse smears. I have a very close male friend who is more like family to me. I worked with him until he retired two weeks ago but we still keep in touch and meet up. I do rely on him a lot and he is very supportive.

The other night we were messaging each other and he just told me randomly about a doctor he had been listening to on the radio talking about smear tests. It was just a general chat and I just commented that I've never had one. He asked me why I am not concerned about my own body and why I won't go for a test and I just told him its something I have always feared.

Then he just went off on one about it, said I should look after myself but not only that, he said I had upset him very much. The conversation went very sparse after that and when I went to bed and messaged him goodnight he just said I had upset him in a big way.

The next day he continued to be off hand with me and when I asked him why he felt I had upset him he went on about how I don't care what happens to me and was on the verge of unfriending me the night before. I was stunned by this. I can understand him being concerned and maybe trying to persuade me to have a test but to want to fall out with me over it was baffling.

I ended up ringing him and then he told me that his Dad died from throat cancer, he had been a heavy smoker from a young age and at one time his GP had offered to give him tests to check if he was going develop cancer but he refused. He said it is now a sore point for him if anyone refuses to have tests. He said he will try and help me get over my fear of smear tests but wants me to have one because he doesn't want me to be in any danger.

I met my friend today for lunch and things were fine but I am still very hurt and upset by this. He wants me to tell him the reason why I am so scared but I don't want to talk about it. I have told him about other friends of mine who won't have certain tests, one of them won't have any test of any kind, she won't even do a urine sample for the doctor because she fears so much what they might find but he said that is them and I can't go on how other people are.

Is he right in being this way or am I overthinking it? I do suffer from depression and I was getting on a more even keel with some new medication I am on but this is setting me back again. I know he is concerned about me but this is just over the top.

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 04/12/2023 02:38

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 01:53

@CrunchyCarrot you really have to wonder what some of these doctors do for brains.

I know. Seemed like she was more concerned about her job that me!

mummyh2016 · 04/12/2023 07:28

@Ponoka7 well it is needed for that 10% isn't it?
I couldn't care less what you choose to do with your body but please don't post misinformation on here that if you're not currently sexually active you don't need a smear. It's dangerous - it only takes one person to believe what you've posted. Your 'specialist nurse' either needs retraining or you're chatting bollocks.

NalafromtheLionKing · 04/12/2023 07:35

If you were younger, I would strongly encourage you to go but, realistically, your risk is a lot lower now.

The NHS website says: “You'll usually stop being invited for screening once you turn 65. This is because it's very unlikely that you'll get cervical cancer.”

Your friend is overreacting acting from concern but it would be worth pointing out the above to him.

NeedToChangeName · 04/12/2023 08:37

DropDeadFreida · 03/12/2023 17:55

@Ohnoooooooo I'm not sure if you saw my earlier post but where I am they literally do not test your sample if you're HPV negative, so it wouldn't matter how often I had a smear because for as long as I remain negative (which will be forever), my sample will not be tested for cancerous cells. So I am not prepared to keep putting myself through an invasive and traumatic procedure to tick a box when in my case I'm not even being tested.

@DropDeadFreida genuine question, how do you know you will be HPV negative for ever? I've always been told that the virus can remain dormant for years and then flare up

Tatumm · 04/12/2023 08:50

He’s crossed a line there. He sounds like he needs therapy.

Jk987 · 04/12/2023 08:52

Him being very angry doesn't help but it's coming from a place of concern for your wellbeing. It's hard to understand why you'd refuse such a crucial, completely routine test that could save your life. It's like you've told yourself you can't do it so you won't.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2023 09:05

Consent is only consent if it's not under undue pressure.

It's not his business. It's not his choice. It's not his body. And he's unfairly pressuring you.

RedToothBrush · 04/12/2023 09:06

Jk987 · 04/12/2023 08:52

Him being very angry doesn't help but it's coming from a place of concern for your wellbeing. It's hard to understand why you'd refuse such a crucial, completely routine test that could save your life. It's like you've told yourself you can't do it so you won't.

This is also emotional abuse and coercion.

Coatscoatscoast · 04/12/2023 09:17

It’s an odd conversation starter for someone who it wouldn’t directly affect (ie a man), what did he hope to gain other than to find out if you’re having them? He sounds a bit too invested which strikes me as strange.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 04/12/2023 09:25

Jk987 · 04/12/2023 08:52

Him being very angry doesn't help but it's coming from a place of concern for your wellbeing. It's hard to understand why you'd refuse such a crucial, completely routine test that could save your life. It's like you've told yourself you can't do it so you won't.

There are posts on this thread and many, many others like it explaining exactly why.

It’s hard to understand why you have so little imagination and empathy.

Waitingfordoggo · 04/12/2023 09:31

I think it’s great that we can have free screening like this and I have never missed a smear test. I think it would be great if all women would take advantage of the screening.

But what goes on in your fanny is none of your friend’s business and he needs to shut up about it.

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 09:48

Good, but for many, many women that's not the case, as has been detailed here, repeatedly.

Ok. I do understand it can be traumatic.. but surely not as traumatic as getting cervical cancer

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 09:58

Ok. I do understand it can be traumatic.. but surely not as traumatic as getting cervical cancer

And yet your initial reaction was a dismissive one that you have had several with no problem, so why would any woman avoid them.

Here's another clue: there are those among us who will never get HPV and therefore have zero reason to subject ourselves to this on a regular basis.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 04/12/2023 09:59

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 09:48

Good, but for many, many women that's not the case, as has been detailed here, repeatedly.

Ok. I do understand it can be traumatic.. but surely not as traumatic as getting cervical cancer

Most women will not get cervical cancer, regardless of whether they attend screening.

Women can make their own decisions and do not need to be coerced by you or anyone else.

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 11:05

@NeedToChangeName I'm not comfortable outlining my sexual history here, but suffice to say that I know I am and will remain HPV negative. So that means that I can have a thousand smears and not once will my sample actually be tested for cancer, it will only be tested for HPV and that's it.

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 11:06

What really bothers me is the narrative behind all this. Why can’t women be given the information in a matter of fact way and then left to make an informed choice? Why all the scare tactics when it comes to cancer screening for women? Why the hysterics in advertising etc? Why are we always treated like this?

Alongside this, maybe if the invasive nature of the procedure (as with a lot of women’s medical procedures) was acknowledged and some attempt was made to make the process more comfortable for women (I’ve seen men being given general anaesthetic for tattoos and women are expected to go through smears, coil fittings etc with just a grit of the teeth) then maybe more women would also be tested. As it is, this is another way in which the medical establishment continues to let us down. I will not ‘just lie back and do it’ thank you, I have a right to refuse.

According to statistics a third of women do not take up the offer of a smear. Maybe it’s time to look at why that is rather than just going on about how important it is to have a smear? Yes, it is important, but if women are not engaging then we need to look at why.

And I will go back to my original point. I did go for a smear, and my sample was not actually screened for cancerous cells as I am HPV negative. So I followed the ‘rules’ and did what was expected, and the outcome for me was that they still did not bother to actually test my cells for cancer. So am I likely to go for another smear? No.

Tatumm · 04/12/2023 11:09

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 11:06

What really bothers me is the narrative behind all this. Why can’t women be given the information in a matter of fact way and then left to make an informed choice? Why all the scare tactics when it comes to cancer screening for women? Why the hysterics in advertising etc? Why are we always treated like this?

Alongside this, maybe if the invasive nature of the procedure (as with a lot of women’s medical procedures) was acknowledged and some attempt was made to make the process more comfortable for women (I’ve seen men being given general anaesthetic for tattoos and women are expected to go through smears, coil fittings etc with just a grit of the teeth) then maybe more women would also be tested. As it is, this is another way in which the medical establishment continues to let us down. I will not ‘just lie back and do it’ thank you, I have a right to refuse.

According to statistics a third of women do not take up the offer of a smear. Maybe it’s time to look at why that is rather than just going on about how important it is to have a smear? Yes, it is important, but if women are not engaging then we need to look at why.

And I will go back to my original point. I did go for a smear, and my sample was not actually screened for cancerous cells as I am HPV negative. So I followed the ‘rules’ and did what was expected, and the outcome for me was that they still did not bother to actually test my cells for cancer. So am I likely to go for another smear? No.

Yes well said, for pointing out the misogyny at the very core of the service design

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 11:15

Women can make their own decisions and do not need to be coerced by you or anyone else.

I'm not coercing anyone luv I'm suggesting that cancer screening is a good idea and I'm entitled to that opinion

Elphame · 04/12/2023 11:17

It really is none of his business. Ask him if he's had his prostate checked? If not why not?

FWIW I gave up with my smears once they degraded them to an HPV test. They won't catch an early cervical cancer in me so I will just continue to pay attention to what is happening in my own body rather than rely on screening.

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 11:19

Alongside this, maybe if the invasive nature of the procedure (as with a lot of women’s medical procedures) was acknowledged and some attempt was made to make the process more comfortable for women (I’ve seen men being given general anaesthetic for tattoos and women are expected to go through smears, coil fittings etc with just a grit of the teeth) then maybe more women would also be tested. As it is, this is another way in which the medical establishment continues to let us down. I will not ‘just lie back and do it’ thank you, I have a right to refuse.

My male DP recently had a finger up the behind to check for prostate cancer, how's that for invasive? A medical check or examination is what it is, absolutely nothing to do with being invasive because you are a woman or being told to lie back and take it

Catsmere · 04/12/2023 11:21

@DropDeadFreida well said.

CallieQ · 04/12/2023 11:25

Yes well said, for pointing out the misogyny at the very core of the service design

You really think it's misogynistic to set up a screening service that aims to save women's lives

LovelyBranches · 04/12/2023 11:25

My mother had cervical cancer before I was born. I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for a smear test.

My mother’s sister and aunt died of cervical cancer. Well….we think it was cervical cancer in the case of my aunt-she never went for smears and by the time the cancer had taken over it was too late and it was guessed that it was primarily cervical cancer.

My aunt refused to even be told she was dying, she refused any medical information and didn’t want to know anything. Other members of my family are the same-refusing to know anything about their own health.

I can understand your friends frustration, after all it would be him that was left to mourn you and your poor choices. But, these are still your choices.

I think your friend has offered you kindness and support and he doesn’t want to lose you. His fear and trauma may have been talking when he said he had thought about defriending you, but he was wrong to say that (but not wrong to think it-it’s painful to watch someone you love suffer).

I would try and understand why he thinks medical checks are important, but respectfully assert that it’s your body and your choice.

DropDeadFreida · 04/12/2023 11:31

@CallieQ what does your DP's examination have to do with cervical screening? By that same token people have open heart surgery so I guess your DP can't complain if he finds a digital rectum exam painful? It would be great if just once the focus could be on the topic at hand rather than all this whataboutery.

But if we are going there, a DRE (which is what your DP had) does not involve the doctor using a tool to widen your DP's back passage, and then scraping the walls of your DP's back passage with another tool.

And going back to women, and specifically cervical screening, due to, you know, patriarchy and all, there are many, many women who unfortunately associate any act around their genitalia with pain, violence and trauma. So for a lot of women a cervical screening is not a 'simple' medical procedure. It can feel like a violation.

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 11:36

It's absolutely none of his business. Yes, it's good to have regular smear tests, but if you don't want to or don't feel you can manage it, then that is entirely up to you and he needs to back off and leave you alone.

Also, I believe they stop offering smears at 65 anyway, because it's highly unlikely that a woman will develop cervical cancer after that age. He needs to bog off.

Swipe left for the next trending thread