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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
YireosDodeAver · 03/12/2023 04:16

Hmm 2 hrs is nothing. A decent coolbox can kerp food fresh for over 24 hours. Or you book the m&s click &collect from the nearest store to the hosting house.

mapletreecottage · 03/12/2023 04:28

I would be inclined to pack a (disguised) picnic hamper full of extravagant treats to cheer things up in your room. Four days sounds a bit much; go out a lot and eat lunch out, etc, as well as going for long walks.

SpringingJoy · 03/12/2023 04:32

I don't understand what they're feeding you if there's no meat and no veg. What does their dinner consist of?

Haydenn · 03/12/2023 04:40

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

If the money saving behaviour is new and getting worse is it worth your DH having a chat with them in the new year about money. Has something perhaps changed for them financially? Are pensions not going as far as they thought? Have they ballsed up with an interest only mortgage?

also obsessive behaviours may be an early sign of dementia- so if it is being driven more by one IL with the other going along too keep them happy it might be worth a GP visit

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/12/2023 04:50

I don't think I'll ever understand why you would accept an invitation to have Christmas lunch when you absolutely don't want to go. They might be bad hosts but turning up with loads of food (aside from a few very discrete snacks or an appropriate gift) when you have been expressly told not to is also very rude so you're equally as bad as each other. If you don't like it then JUST. DON'T. GO.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/12/2023 05:08

Tell a big fat lie.

'Well, we won this Christmas Dinner Shop in a work raffle so it was a choice of bring it with us and eat it here or leave it to go off at ours whilst we are away, and that seemed bloody stupid. I'll stick it in the fridge/cupboards and help you dish it up later...'

And make sure its mostly fridge stuff that they can't spirit away to elsewhere!

Wrinklefree · 03/12/2023 05:30

Do you have any kids op??

Twinsandsome · 03/12/2023 05:47

if you really must go which I understand then I would bring whatever you can for the dinner and say look it isn’t fair on you having to provide everything we wanted to contribute. Bring a big stash of savory and sweet things for your room as well as an electric heated throw that way you can be warm and have some nice foods x

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2023 06:02

Taking your own food, any food, will no more keep the peace than not going will.

Anything other than silently being hungry will offend so you may as well bite the bullet (you'll be so hungry you might) and tell them why you are bringing your own food.

You might as well suffer their sulk on a full stomach 🤷

SMabbutt · 03/12/2023 06:11

Just a thought for if you can afford it, how about finding an airbnb near them for 2 or 3 days and host them there. We did that last year, because my mil didn't have room for us as well as my son and his family. We just said we wanted to cook for her so she could relax and have a stress free Christmas. After the meal everyone else went back to her house while we cleared up and then joined them for tea.

Poppsidoppsi · 03/12/2023 06:21

I wouldn’t go. Say you / your family has covid / flu and stay home in the warm and make a lovely dinner for yourselves x

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 03/12/2023 06:22

but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years.

Let them do it alone then and do your own Christmas at home.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 06:41

I wouldn't normally say this, but don't go. They sound like terrible hosts to not allow heating or have any food! That's ridiculous.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 03/12/2023 06:42

saraclara · 03/12/2023 00:43

She's made excuses for the last five years.

Her husband might want to see his family for once. Does he not get a say?

Show quote history

Not really if they are all expected to be cold and hungry for the duration. Bit selfish, that, innit?

HerMammy · 03/12/2023 06:46

Living two hours away isn't that far, cut the visit to two days or even just Xmas Day home Boxing Day, no joy being cold and hungry.

Dentistlakes · 03/12/2023 06:48

That sounds awful op. I would like to say I wouldn’t go, but in know I would probably go and take some food to keep
in my room.

spellingwasp · 03/12/2023 06:54

Even if you bring your own food, there's the cold to contend with.

DianaTiana · 03/12/2023 06:59

I'd be taking a heated gilet and a load of food. Tell them you get ill if you don't eat vegetables.

HolidayAddict23 · 03/12/2023 07:02

If I was you I wouldn’t be going anywhere near them for Christmas

ChocBanana · 03/12/2023 07:14

Don’t go. My MIL is an absolute stickler for Christmas dinner being traditional and refuses to eat it cooked by anyone else, because no one else cooks it “as well as I do”. Once, about 20 years ago, she came to us, I opened the door, went upstairs to put her coat away, went back down, and she was in the kitchen, peeling potatoes. It’s a very small kitchen so I said “oh, thanks, you don’t need to do that” she said “You’re in my way, dear, please go and lay the table”. DH asked me to let her just do it this once to keep the peace, but I have never invited her back in 20 years.

You need to do the same, just say no.

tokesqueen · 03/12/2023 07:21

My IL's are tight too. And well off. They contributed two small £1 cheesecakes from Morrisons for Xmas lunch to feed six adults and four teenage boys. And a box of six mince pies of which they took home those uneaten.

muddyford · 03/12/2023 07:26

Invite them to your house. Then you can do it your way.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/12/2023 07:30

Host. "Oh MIL it's such a lot of work, let's share. Come to us, I'll do the food you bring the booze, we'll split clean up between the men!".

We never go anywhere for Christmas because what we like is a really special meal and rubbish telly and a dog walk. On our own timescale. But we will host if people want to see us, and they slot in with us.

MsSquiz · 03/12/2023 07:33

Just do alternate years with them and at yours and say they're welcome to come to you.

Mothership4two · 03/12/2023 07:41

I think you are doing the right thing OP taking bits and pieces and hiding stuff for yourselves. I can't understand someone not cooking veg for guests because they don't like it - it's a pretty bog standard part of a meal and you provide for guests. I wouldn't be shy taking things for ourselves "we've brought (high end) muesli/grapefruit/kippers because that's what we like for breakfast" for example or "we've brought smoked salmon and eggs for Christmas breakfast". Obsessing about breakfast following dismal thoughts of having bran flakes for Christmas breakfast. I'd also say "I'll get out our cheese and biscuits" or whatever. I'm quite happy to be blunt (DH's family and DH are more polite and passive aggressive).

We stayed over at PIL's once for Christmas and although the heating was on during lunch and after, once everyone else left it was either off or the radiators were luke warm. We were freezing, I wore several items of clothing on top of the other, and was pretty miserable most of the time. Never again. We always stay home for Christmas day now anyway.

They once offered to provide the turkey for our Christmas lunch, which they did but then insisted on FIL cutting and plating it. He basically cut thin slivers and not very much - basically a kitten's meals worth. I had to say "oh I think we will need a bit more than that and added more" (beside the point but I'm not even a blinking meat eater!). They then took the turkey away when the left! I have never ever done that. We provided a generous lunch and evening spread and lots of booze and we had a full house plus guests staying over (in our lovely warm house) and they took it away for just the two of them. Also they were/are very well off.

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