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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
Hattie89 · 03/12/2023 01:16

I’d just invite them round yours. I bet they’ll be diving head first into the Roses though when they come from your pocket. My husband has friends like that: stingy hosts who can only eat a thimble full but miraculously develop a huge appetite when invited here…

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/12/2023 01:18

Surely take your own veg and treats, you're an adult, so either do that or don't go.

"I'm brought a few treats and some veggies for the dinner because we like them"

spuddel · 03/12/2023 01:44

I probably wouldn't go or go, but take lots of food and a small plug in heater for the cold. Misery though!

EtiennePalmiere · 03/12/2023 01:47

It would be legendary if you ordered yourself a takeaway though Grin

Floralnomad · 03/12/2023 01:53

Crikey , I didn’t realise they were only 2 hours away , in that case I’d just go for the day .

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/12/2023 02:02

saraclara · 03/12/2023 00:43

She's made excuses for the last five years.

Her husband might want to see his family for once. Does he not get a say?

Show quote history

No-one is stopping her husband doing what he pleases. Or he could talk to his parents and explain that changes need to be made. That's what my husband would do anyway, certainly wouldn't expect us to suffer through four days of a shit Christmas.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 03/12/2023 02:11

Laptop loaded with some Christmas films and some earphones.. Early night and a case full of goodies for 2...

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2023 02:12

It's just two hours away. Go for Boxing Day and come home in the evening.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2023 02:17

Honestly, I wouldn’t go. Life’s too short to suffer through the holidays.

I don’t understand the logic of, “They’re his parents!” Uh huh, and? They’re shit hosts, DNA isn’t diplomatic immunity. Want people to visit? Then don’t attempt to reenact Scrooge or Oliver Twist on the freaking holidays!

I’m extremely sensitive to the cold. I literally couldn’t stay somewhere like your in-laws, and my husband would be so hangry by mid-day we’d be leaving.

Holidays aren’t supposed to be an endurance test for Martyrdom 2023. Have the celebration YOU enjoy. Your in-laws can join you, or not. But at least you’ll be warm and fed

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 03/12/2023 02:52

2 hours? I missed that. In that case I'd go and leave on the same day.

JANEY205 · 03/12/2023 02:53

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

I seriously would not be bothered doing this. I just wouldn’t go and would go visit them and other family for the day but not on Christmas Day. I feel so sorry for your children! Having a miserly Christmas. Wtf go to all the effort just to placate the in-laws? I’d plan a different day to go and visit for the day. 2hrs isn’t exactly far

Selttan · 03/12/2023 03:00

Had your husband never addressed it either them?

My Dads tight but not when it comes to food luckily but if he was I wouldn't hesitate to call him out and say well this is what I'm bringing and you can eat it or not.

OpalFruitie · 03/12/2023 03:15

Cook a huge christmas ham and take it! My parents do a big honey roasted one and it supplements many meals; from sandwiches to omlettes to ham egg and chips to ham fried rice.
Assuming the uk, use your car as a fridge and don't take everything in at once. Harder to say no if you appear an 1hr before xmas dinner with a bag of prepared veg and pre-cooked pigs in blankets saying "Look what I forgot in the car!"
Also when visiting other family, stop on the way to buy snacks or a takeaway.
I think lockdown meant many people got more set in their own ways, particuarly older people. I think they became more inward looking and paranoid about things that slightly worried then before, such as food availability, bills, heating, eating out, germs... I've stopped staying with some family for this reason. These family members grew up post war + never liked leaving food uneaten but went a bit loopy about it after covid. They offered to make my 8yr old a tuna + sweetcorn sandwich (likes) but instead made tuna + cucumber (dislikes). He refused to eat it + they turned really mean. I pursuaded 8yr old to eat half but family made snide comments until we left 2 days later. We stay in a hotel now.

Behindyouiam · 03/12/2023 03:18

No way would I be going there!

user1492757084 · 03/12/2023 03:19

If your MIL is hosting then I would make it the last time.
Your husband needs to insist that the lunch was fantastic but it's time for the next generation to carry the flame. (Buy her a medal saying "Thanks for spoiling me at Xmas, Mum xx")

He needs to insist that it will be the last time his parents host.

This year you should arrive a day later and leave earlier.
Take meat that you have cooked, vegetables and their serving dishes, nibbles - plated, cherries, icecream, something for having with tea like Shortbread, Hedgehog, Ginger biscuits and your favourite cereal, bread, fruit etc.
Take a car fridge and don't encroach on MIL's kitchen too much. Order in Pizzas, go out for icecreams if you need to bolster other meals. Bring Christmas crackers so some jokes will be shared and photos with silly hats.
Ask for MIL to make the gravy and compliment MIL's choice of food and alcohol.

Take no alcohol. Have your husband insist on chipping in some cash for food this year with the cost of living hikes.

Next year offer to drive to pick up MIL if needed. Charge them with the task of bringing alcohol and something else that MIL loves to do.

It's true that you don't have to have a sad Xmas.
Can you and your kids start up a few games, a jolly walk, suggest attending local Carols, bring a funny Christmas video and get tipsy Grandma singing Karaoke? Can you make the gifts fun and active like water pistols? Pop some popcorn, stash crisps and chocolate in the kids' sleeping bags.

You could also look about for festivities happening nearby and attend them, such as Art Shows, Busking, markets. Make your own fun and invite MIL.

JANEY205 · 03/12/2023 03:41

user1492757084 · 03/12/2023 03:19

If your MIL is hosting then I would make it the last time.
Your husband needs to insist that the lunch was fantastic but it's time for the next generation to carry the flame. (Buy her a medal saying "Thanks for spoiling me at Xmas, Mum xx")

He needs to insist that it will be the last time his parents host.

This year you should arrive a day later and leave earlier.
Take meat that you have cooked, vegetables and their serving dishes, nibbles - plated, cherries, icecream, something for having with tea like Shortbread, Hedgehog, Ginger biscuits and your favourite cereal, bread, fruit etc.
Take a car fridge and don't encroach on MIL's kitchen too much. Order in Pizzas, go out for icecreams if you need to bolster other meals. Bring Christmas crackers so some jokes will be shared and photos with silly hats.
Ask for MIL to make the gravy and compliment MIL's choice of food and alcohol.

Take no alcohol. Have your husband insist on chipping in some cash for food this year with the cost of living hikes.

Next year offer to drive to pick up MIL if needed. Charge them with the task of bringing alcohol and something else that MIL loves to do.

It's true that you don't have to have a sad Xmas.
Can you and your kids start up a few games, a jolly walk, suggest attending local Carols, bring a funny Christmas video and get tipsy Grandma singing Karaoke? Can you make the gifts fun and active like water pistols? Pop some popcorn, stash crisps and chocolate in the kids' sleeping bags.

You could also look about for festivities happening nearby and attend them, such as Art Shows, Busking, markets. Make your own fun and invite MIL.

Edited

Jesus, would you seriously rather do all that than just stay home and visit them another day? Then wanting to stay home at Christmas is fine but I’d be doing the bloody same! Sod my kids going hungry/cold/miserable. I cannot stand feeling hungry or cold at other peoples homes! I would never stay if it’s 2hrs drive either. OP should just pop round a different day with her family. If her husband was that bothered he would have raised it sooner wouldn’t he.

PaterPower · 03/12/2023 03:50

Can you book lunch at a local restaurant / pub and take them as a treat? Sell it on the basis it means MIL doesn’t need to cook?

HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2023 03:54

@saraclara Told them their below budget alcohol was shit, food non-existent and measly but what was given was shit (or dangerous as they were known for buying specials and then dishing up past expiry, including chicken) and their hosting was shit

Yes, Saraclara, I did tell them exactly that. No, not exactly in those words. It was more ‘we don’t want drinks at your house because you buy extremely cheap wine that’s undrinkable and we’d prefer to have none. It’s hard to understand when you are able to buy standard quality wine and insist we don’t bring our own. In that case why can’t you buy average quality that is drinkable?’

’It’s extremely odd to purchase a small packet of Nobby’s Nuts to share when you know you will have a household of people. It’s something meant for two people over a glass of wine or beer, not for everyone to have two peanuts each. Providing food in this manner leaves everyone hungry and we’d rather not come and be hungry’.

And so on. Saraclara, on forums people summarise so I summed it up as saying I told them various components were shit but I didn’t use that word, and explained the issues in full sentences. Does this help you?

No idea n earth why all this is in bold by the way, genuinely nothing I can do seems to get the text off bold with this post, sorry to all.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 03:57

Can you stash small fan type heater in your bags so you can actually warm up your room? I mean it's not as if they can't afford the extra cost. I think they are appalling hosts though.

JANEY205 · 03/12/2023 04:02

Some of these suggestions are unhinged. If I had to eat in secret, pack my car with food and take heaters for my friggen room I seriously wouldn’t bother. What the hell?!

YireosDodeAver · 03/12/2023 04:05

Either you host or if that won't work then you have to take all the extras that will make it enjoyable for you. Stop being so damn compliant - if you take a tub of chocs or biscuits don't hand them over unopened to be squirrelled away, get them out, open them up and hand them around the room at the appropriate time. When food is being prepared you tell, don't ask, saying "we need all the veg and trimmings for it to feel like a feast for us, don't worry you don't have to have any" (get preprepared M&S stuff to keep things simple and do the heating up yourself). With enough pigs in blankets and other treats it won't be noticeable that the main meat is poor quality and stingy.

JANEY205 · 03/12/2023 04:10

YireosDodeAver · 03/12/2023 04:05

Either you host or if that won't work then you have to take all the extras that will make it enjoyable for you. Stop being so damn compliant - if you take a tub of chocs or biscuits don't hand them over unopened to be squirrelled away, get them out, open them up and hand them around the room at the appropriate time. When food is being prepared you tell, don't ask, saying "we need all the veg and trimmings for it to feel like a feast for us, don't worry you don't have to have any" (get preprepared M&S stuff to keep things simple and do the heating up yourself). With enough pigs in blankets and other treats it won't be noticeable that the main meat is poor quality and stingy.

Where is OP meant to get all this shopping from? I wouldn’t be happy taking all this food to someone’s house 2 hours away!

InefficientProcess · 03/12/2023 04:10

Your problem is that your husband grew up with this, so he hasn’t seemed to realise what a big problem it is for you (and the children).

Is he ok with you all being properly cold for days? And hungry?

I think you need to speak to him and get him to recognise the need to do something here.

momonpurpose · 03/12/2023 04:12

Op I'm so sorry you are not feeling well. Better stay home and not spread germs.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 03/12/2023 04:14

It sounds awful. I would do as others have suggested and take some nice bits and pieces with you, and then have my own Christmas dinner at home on your return.