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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 03/12/2023 07:47

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 02/12/2023 22:25

If I really had to go, I'd be taking a spare bag of snacks I wanted to eat and keeping them in my room. Thats sounds absolutely miserable to me

And taking a small fan heater . . .

What a miserable Scrooge-like existence.

malificent7 · 03/12/2023 07:49

Tell your husband to grow a pair and address the issue himself.

rookiemere · 03/12/2023 07:52

I don't think you have said how far a drive it is, but I would be staying for as short a time as possible.

Echo many of the other ideas- have your own Christmas dinner before or after ( I tend to do this anyway as means I can serve up everything I want), bring veggies and cheese and stash food away.

Not so sure about bringing stuff that needs oven space. My DM (not hosting stingy, just elderly) got really distressed the year we brought "too many" sausages, even though there were 8 of us and a dog and there is no such thing as too many sausages when you have a dog.

Also don't relinquish things like chocolates. If you bring them, keep them in the car until the evening and then go "oh yes I had those lovely chocolates to share, let me bring them in now" and unwrap them before they can snaffle them away.

Alternatively if you can't beat them, then join them. Bring along a bumper bottle of Baileys and aim to be mildly sozzled most of the time.

Tontostitis · 03/12/2023 07:54

My parents are a but like this I just say it's not Christmas if I'm cold and hungry so I'm bringing veg sides a cheeseboard and a pavlova. I don't ask if I can anymore as they say no need.

tara66 · 03/12/2023 07:56

I can remember staying with some people who never gave enough to eat - I went to a local M+S, bough a trifle and sat at a bus stop and eat it all!

startquitting · 03/12/2023 07:57

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:26

I've avoided going for about 5 years now (thank you Covid) but I sort of need to go to keep the peace!

No, you really don’t. And you can be honest about why too.

You can go another day.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 07:59

Can you go just for Christmas Day, then have a proper Christmas meal at home on Boxing Day?

WaltzingWaters · 03/12/2023 08:03

SausageAndEggSandwich · 02/12/2023 22:25

I wouldn't go and your DH should be enough of a grown up to explain why.

They are rude, bad hosts and Christmas should be fun, not an exercise in endurance.

This. I guess at any other time I’d say just suck up a few days of a visit and keep snacks hidden in your room (not that you should have to of course). But at Christmas no way, that’s just miserable. Go before or after, or have them to yours so they know how people should host a good Christmas, and get your DH to tell them it’s because they’re stingy miserable Christmas hosts.

Decorhate · 03/12/2023 08:07

It does sound miserable but if you have avoided for a few years you’ll just need to make the best of it. Maybe cut the number of days though. Bringing extra food is a good plan. You could store it in the boot, will help to keep things cool, with the excuse that you don’t want to encroach on their cupboard/fridge space.

My mother is absolutely set on staying in her own house for Christmas so will be having a very quiet one this year. She’s refused all invitations to stay with other people but really does not have space to host those with children. She is not a great cook and her kitchen is minuscule & cluttered so very difficult for others to help out.

I’ve suggested to my sibling who will be with her that she does Christmas dinner from M&S.

newnamethanks · 03/12/2023 08:07

Take food with you. Not everyone values food in the same way. Take it with you. Don't waste time being offended when they refuse it just make yourself comfortable. 🌲

Birdcar · 03/12/2023 08:11

Could you stay in a nearby hotel? At least you'd be warm at night and you could have a buffet breakfast before spending your days at their house.

whatchagonnado · 03/12/2023 08:18

Why can't you just ask them to put the heating on while you're there? Sounds really miserable
And agree ... take your own food

fingerguns · 03/12/2023 08:18

At two hours away I'd be seeing them for the afternoon only (after lunch, of course). Where is your DH in all this? Him knowing they're tight but not saying "Mum, Dad, can we have some food please?" isn't unreasonable. Has he tried to sway them?

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 08:21

The options are:

  1. Don't go
  2. Go, but take extra food
  3. Go, but stay in an airbnb/hotel
  4. Go, and play the martyr and have a miserable Christmas

I would probably choose option 3 and take some extra food.

Hollyhead · 03/12/2023 08:22

Me or my DH would just tell our parents if we thought their Christmas was shit.

’mum, you’ve got no idea how to do Christmas it’s like something out of a dickens novel, either come to ours or let us bring some joy to you or we’re not coming’

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 08:24

’mum, you’ve got no idea how to do Christmas it’s like something out of a dickens novel, either come to ours or let us bring some joy to you or we’re not coming’

I like this.

housethatbuiltme · 03/12/2023 08:24

I would straight up tell them you like veg (well actually get your DH too, hell claim you went vegan lol). I mean what is xmas dinner without veg? Yorkshire pudding, turkey, stuffing, gravy, maybe pigs in blankets thats very 'brown'.

I would just take your own bag of treats though, don't take them as a gift just take them for yourselves. At least you know to prepare.

Take snugly clothes to stay warm, maybe get a primark oodie or something.

Or just don't go... I despise Xmas at other peoples, its never 'right' so I make no apology about staying home and having Xmas my way. We have NEVER had any of this mumsnet Xmas drama which only seems to happen when people insist on 'getting together'.

Lot of people would 'hate' our xmas I'm sure, we are the opposite with an almost all veg meal and we buy lots of ready prepped stuff and don't buy loads of snacks (just some pringles etc...) or booze but as we aren't hosting anyone we don't need to change that.

Mojodojocasahaus · 03/12/2023 08:25

Why can’t your DH talk to his parents about this?

HerMammy · 03/12/2023 08:27

I never understand on MN the adults who cannot speak up, DH has to say that the food and heat isn't adequate.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/12/2023 08:28

That sounds completely miserable. NO vegetables and nasty cheap ingredients, awful. I dont drink alcohol but I think I'd be tempted to start. There is no way I'd be going no matter what. Tough luck if they weren't happy about it.
I refuse to go to my parents because they won't sit and talk to anyone they just obsess about cleaning up every tiny mess and spend the entire time cleaning. It's miserable. I want to spend my time catching up with them not talking to the dishwasher. We didn't even get to open any gifts last time because we couldn't get them to sit down for half an hour. The children were really upset.

sausagepastapot · 03/12/2023 08:29

I'm on the 'fuck that' team too. Do what you like OP, this sounds abysmal.

Stay home and do things right, seriously!

Loopytiles · 03/12/2023 08:32

Not U to never go again to theirs for xmas

DH would be U to get annoyed with you for not wanting to go, when his parents are the problem.

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 08:32

I never understand on MN the adults who cannot speak up

Neither can I. There is no need to be rude. I can be politely assertive and just say that I'm cold and hungry and need (not want) to eat more, and need to have vegetables with my meal.

Ragwort · 03/12/2023 08:32

Do you have DC?

I'm another who just wouldn't go, if your DH wants to go then he can go on his own, I would much rather than stay in my own home alone than suffer the misery of being cold and eating dull food.

So many Mumsnetters are such people pleasers, time to please yourself.

Loopytiles · 03/12/2023 08:33

You don’t need to ‘keep the peace’: DH should deal with any annoyance from his parents.