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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2023 00:16

Ffs, just be honest. I put up with a few woeful visits to in-laws when I first met DH and got married. Then I thought, fucked if I’m putting up with this for the rest of their lives, and worse case scenario is I never come back. So I was just forthright. It’s the only way you can be with such people (they were in the wealthy by never spending a penny camp). Told them their below budget alcohol was shit, food non-existent and measly but what was given was shit (or dangerous as they were known for buying specials and then dishing up past expiry, including chicken) and their hosting was shit.

Then they did try, bless them, but it was still all a bit of a fail as they had spent their entire adult lives not spending money so they didn’t really know how/what when they came to do it. So we’d have a meal but nothing would go together. As a Xmas example, they would serve starters with a decent cranberry sauce (even though the starters did not go with cranberry sauce), but then remove it so there was none out for the turkey, and get to the end of the meal and then state they had purchased champers and should they open it now, and so forth. I appreciated they took on board what I said and they tried, but by fuck it was a chore.

FictionalCharacter · 03/12/2023 00:17

crispcreambun · 02/12/2023 22:29

Why is everyone on mumsnet so fucking wet? Just don't go. If they make a fuss, tell them why.

You don't win any points constantly martyring yourself for people who don't care if you're happy.

This.
”Keep the peace”? Come on. Will a world war break out if you don’t spend Christmas with these people who are absolutely terrible hosts?

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 03/12/2023 00:18

For goodness sake, just treat it as a drab meal on a random day. Take nice snacks and jumpers and grit your teeth.

Have a proper fun meal the day before or after with your family and friends. pretend you're still European, they have their celebrations on Xmas eve.

Or don't go.

saraclara · 03/12/2023 00:20

Told them their below budget alcohol was shit, food non-existent and measly but what was given was shit (or dangerous as they were known for buying specials and then dishing up past expiry, including chicken) and their hosting was shit.

Did you really, @HoppingPavlova ? In those words?

Tiiredofthiss · 03/12/2023 00:21

Don't go, invite them to yours instead.

Sugarfree23 · 03/12/2023 00:21

@Togekiss I don't think anyone is suggesting she rocks up with a turkey ie whats meant to be the main part of the meal but she can certainly rock up with extras "oh I saw this prawn platter and it looked lovely so I just bought it, though", "these cheeses were in my fridge but dated 27th so just brought them" "DD loves carrots 🥕 and we needed some for the reindeer anyway"
"Though the kids would be happier with Frosties rather than Bran Flakes".

Be light and breezy about it.

billy1966 · 03/12/2023 00:23

justanothermanicmonday1 · 02/12/2023 22:44

To keep whose peace?

Theirs? Why?

The only peace you should be keeping is yourself!!!!!

Do not go!

Show quote history

Agree.

Really don't understand this.

I just wouldn't go.

I certainly wouldn't inflict it on any children.

No one owes anyone a miserable Christmas by being dictated to by mean miserable people.

It really isn't part of your marriage vows.

Original poster
Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

OP posts:
SharSharBinks · 03/12/2023 00:32

To keep whose peace?

Theirs? Why?

The only peace you should be keeping is yourself!!!!!

Bit odd to get married tho if you only care about yourself! Surely you must be able to see why some people want to get on with their husband's parents.

WinterDeWinter · 03/12/2023 00:34

EsmereldaTheThird · 02/12/2023 23:37

You don’t need to go to keep the peace though. Yes people have different ideas about Christmas but being cold and hungry isn’t exactly a pleasant time is it? If they have money, can afford to heat their house and are declining you bringing decent food for the table tell them why you’re not going. My aunt was like this and I got so sick of it I told her why I wasn’t coming. It was one day of the year and there was no way my children nor I were going to be miserable to appease anyone else. If they want to have Christmas their way let them but they need to realise it’s not everyone’s ideal day.

Show quote history

I would also say something - but id know I was taking a risk. What did your aunt say @EsmereldaTheThird ?

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/12/2023 00:35

I also don't get it! Why does their wish to spend Xmas at home trump yours? I just wouldn't go, and I wouldn't be even slightly guilty about it. If I was feeling particularly generous I would extend an invite for them to come to yours next year, and just make an excuse for this year. Or if you feel you must go, make it clear that next year you are staying home, and take plenty of snacks.

NowItsSpring · 03/12/2023 00:40

Another vote for not going, it sounds miserable.
If you must go, then take food contributions for christmas day and plenty of snacks for the rest of the time you will be there. And finally, don't stay for 4 days!

saraclara · 03/12/2023 00:43

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/12/2023 00:35

I also don't get it! Why does their wish to spend Xmas at home trump yours? I just wouldn't go, and I wouldn't be even slightly guilty about it. If I was feeling particularly generous I would extend an invite for them to come to yours next year, and just make an excuse for this year. Or if you feel you must go, make it clear that next year you are staying home, and take plenty of snacks.

She's made excuses for the last five years.

Her husband might want to see his family for once. Does he not get a say?

oakleaffy · 03/12/2023 00:44

Sounds dismal.
Being cold and hungry as guests is wretched, as one is powerless to do anything about it, especially if no shops locally.
The ''Four humbugs in the hall in a bowl'' did make me laugh though.

Wretched if you don't drink {I don't} - does alcohol cut appetite? I think it must do.

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 00:45

I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food

Tough. She should be feeling embarrassed at being such a poor host.

gnarlynarwhal · 03/12/2023 00:45

This is ridiculous. You either need to put your foot down or not go. Do you have children OP? If so it would hardly be fair to subject them to a miserable Christmas with no decent food because of your penny pinching in-laws. It sounds like you are being a bit too accommodating of them to be honest.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/12/2023 00:49

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

That all sounds good - you say you get on well with ILs but they're worried about funds as they get older so you can make sure MIL's not offended by saying you appreciate the work that's going into hosting, and think it's not right not to contribute a little something to the festive meal. A few snacks in your room, take a thermos to fill with tea or coffee to have with your stashed treats later, wear your thermals and a thick festive jumper, and enjoy being with DH's family for a couple of days before retreating back to yuor cosy warm house.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 03/12/2023 00:52

I’d feign Covid

oldsoulrebel · 03/12/2023 00:53
Gin
Wanttobefree2 · 03/12/2023 00:54

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

Can you go one step further and make a nice grazing board and add more food to it so you don’t go hungry, and maybe take a pudding as well. I get it’s his parents and they want to do it “their way” but maybe this can be your own little tradition. Thinking about it you might need to take enough food for a few grazing boards :-)

HamBone · 03/12/2023 01:00

Wanttobefree2 · 03/12/2023 00:54

Can you go one step further and make a nice grazing board and add more food to it so you don’t go hungry, and maybe take a pudding as well. I get it’s his parents and they want to do it “their way” but maybe this can be your own little tradition. Thinking about it you might need to take enough food for a few grazing boards :-)

Show quote history

@Wanttobefree2 I was going to say add some salami, prosciutto, etc. on there as well, but perhaps she should go all out and stick on an entire ham. At least they’d have ham sandwiches to fill up on. 🤣

Sorry, OP, I shouldn’t laugh, but I have an image of you staggering under the weight of a giant grazing platter. 🤣

Sceptre86 · 03/12/2023 01:03

This time around just take what you want to eat so veg, cheese board and nice desserts. If her nose invariably gets put out of joint you explain politely that actually for you this is a part of Christmas and as a member of the family it would be nice that you wants were considered. Re the heating, take an oodie or better yet tell them you want the fire on or the heating.

If you brush it under the carpet it will always continue. Be brave, let this be the year you challenge this batshit behaviour.

StarShipControl · 03/12/2023 01:11

Just take some meat and veg round and say you're sorry but due to some health issues, you're on an unprocessed food diet with the occasional treat.

ilovesooty · 03/12/2023 01:12

TooOldForThisNonsense · 03/12/2023 00:52

I’d feign Covid

Not another one.

And what would you do next year? And the year after?

Angelsrose · 03/12/2023 01:13

As you have to go take some proper food and prepare it alongside MIL. What's the point in having a Dickensian Christmas (loved that phrase you used) when you don't have to? I understand not wanting to offend people but if they're not particularly considerate then I think you have to ensure your own proper provisions. I wish you a very Merry Christmas!