To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

Genuine question.

Why should saying, "We've brought some vegetables because we know you don't cook them but we want to eat them with our Christmas dinner" or putting the radiators on cause a falling out?

Wouldn't any reasonable person want their guests to be warm and well fed?

Being thoughtless and not realising that your guests aren't the same as you is one thing.

But actually objecting to them bringing food they want to eat or turning the heating on suggests that you actively want them to have a miserable time.

I agree, but OP has said they would take offence and the atmosphere would be a bit awkward.

If it was every Christmas, or even every other Christmas, or they were very tight in every aspect of their life then yes I would see it as worth gently challenging. But for one Christmas every 5 years, an otherwise good relationship, I don’t (plus there is plenty of booze 😈)

I would just get through it for DH and then probably cook a better meal on Boxing Day or something.

Let them take offence then.

And let the husband deal with it.

OP says to her husband, "If we are going to go to your parents for Christmas this year, it is on condition that we bring the food we want to eat and we put the radiators on if we are cold. I would prefer it if you put the radiators on as it is your parents' house, but if you don't, I will. If there is any fall out, YOU deal with it. These are YOUR parents. YOU need to tell them that a Christmas dinner with no vegetables and a diet of cheese on toast and bran flakes the rest of the time is nobody else's idea of a fun time at Christmas. If they want to eat like that, that's fine. But they need to accept that the rest of us don't want that. I am willing to do the work and pay the cost and bring the stuff with us. Literally all I am asking is that they don't get their knickers in a twist about it. If your mother is going to be difficult about it then this is the very last time we ever go to their house for Christmas."

True but you rather need food drink and warmth as a basic for a pleasant time.

Your life must be quite exhausting.

OP just a thought. Could you take as a “not empty handed“ contribution a really indulgent potato gratin ( large tray of it!) into which you can stack a fair whack of cream, some bacon or leek or even truffle or favourite cheese if you like that, so it’s almost as sustaining as a kind of tartiflette. We have tartiflette for lunch when skiing and it’s a one dish wonder but we fairly waddle back out into the slopes, warm, happy and replete. Being “ just” a potato side it doesn’t look too much like “taking over” the meal yet it really can be a delicious meal in itself and you can make it quite celebratory with the additions ( not traditional for Christmas I know, but at least you would be warm and full and it’s very comforting). Just a thought. Also can you come hone on Boxing Day ( and have your own meal!) I actually do something similar most years as I really am not fond of turkey or Christmas pudding .

Eh? Why? Because I wouldn't tolerate bran flakes and the house heated to 15 degrees at Christmas just to avoid causing offence to a shitty host?

Well, yes. Let’s agree to disagree.

I would pull out. There’s something passive aggressive about grown adults hosting family so poorly.

You don't get to agree to disagree about whether my life is exhausting or not.

What an odd comment.

I can assure you that my life is only improved by having Christmases which are to be enjoyed rather than endured.

I meant about the dinner…

What a WEIRD turn this thread has taken. Some people take other people's boundaries, and suggestions of what they will and won't tolerate, really personally.

Visiting people I don't particularly want to be with, having my own food supply secreted in my luggage and the warmest throw and hoodies I can bring to stave off the cold isn't my idea of a fun Christmas. Why would anyone put themselves through this?

I suspect a certain degree of competitive martyrdom is at play on this site. More fool the martyrs.

The arguments about the 20s/30s... Jesus your all right.

Studies have shown people born into rescession and depressions are more likely to never recover, with higher tendencies towards MH issues like dangerous frugal living (underweight, no heating, damp, unfixed housing issues) and hoarding.

Studies also show the poorest classes (across all time frames) are the most generous, usually a community focused hive mind where its share and share alike among the pack.

Maybe some grandparents where effected more than others... you can't prove each others experiences wrong no matter how much you argue and just because someone grandparent may have struggled with MH does not make it an 'attack' on your grandparents memory.

OP IL do fit with the lifestyle issues commonly seen in many depression era children so its NOT a wild suggestion.

So?

Life is too short to put up with that nonsense.

It does sound a bit miserable.

I would just tell them (not ask them) that you have got used to having certain treats in the 6 years you haven't seen them and will be bringing some additional food along that they are welcome to share if they wish, and if you want to co-opt them maybe suggest that they handle the booze.

If they object then you can either fight it out, just turn up with the food anyway or refuse to go. Most reasonable people I think would understand that people have their own likes and would be happy to allow you to bring some things along.

My guess is that in the intervening years they will have not got any better with their frugality. If anything they will have gotten a lot worse, so if you aren't prepared to tackle it head on they you need to build yourself up for a miserable experience. Maybe eat just bran flakes for the next 2 weeks.

Just go, but take an oodie for warmth and a bag of goodies you like to eat and only stay 2 days not four. I year in 5 isn't bad. You can eat all you want the other 363 days of the year and not do it again for another 4 years. Think of it as your gift to them.

The bowl of four humbugs and no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them is properly making laugh. It's SO BLEAK.

And yes, either come up with an excuse not to go, or take a load of nice food with you. If your MIL is offended by a cheeseboard and some carrots, then she can fuck off.

Just take some smoke salmon, pâté, nice cheeses, chocolates, cake etc. and say you got a hamper from work/a friend and didn’t want it to go to waste. It won’t be a perfect Christmas meal, but better than meat and potatoes, and hopefully it will go down well with the booze. I once got a large ham from a client for Christmas, so in the end you could take anything and say you/your dh got it from work.

Also, pack some biscuits or cereal bars in your suitcase so you have them in case they don’t provide enough food the rest of the time.

If she was bothered and “offended” by guests doing a byo she should have catered properly in the first place.

The back-bending emotional labour involved in this suggestion, for ILs who don't give any shits about your physical (and I would guess emotional) comfort. Just wow.

In fact it is so back-bending, it almost comes across as slightly manipulative.

😂

Yeah. Bring what you want by all means but don't concoct an elaborate excuse for why you felt the need to bring a potato gratin/cheese board/glazed ham/trifle with you even though you were obviously really excited about MIL's frozen turkey crown, Aunt Bessie's roast potatoes and fucking bran flakes.

Tell them it is part of their Xmas present...
That you won't can't take no as an answer as it will spoil.

Make the best of it if you really have to go. Make it clear next year you are in your own home.

I wouldn’t ask if I can bring anything. I’d cook a ham and bring a cheese board and bring ready prepared veg, if feeling posh get it from
M&S you can put it all in the microwave.
Present it as cost as living & pitching in.

Also take hot water bottles and snoodie.

I'm honestly stunned that you're still going