To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

My lovely lovely and hospitable MIL was the worst cook ever. That's why we had our own turkey and all the trimmings lunch at home either before or after we stayed with them at Christmas.
She did always have tons of chocolate, cakes and biscuits though (shop bought, so safe). She also tolerated me bringing things like cranberry sauce and bread sauce mix with me.

I was just thinking similarly. DM was also born in the 1920's and wasn't remotely stingy where food was concerned.

DH and I would leave her sitting room with its coal fire to visit the toilet after a post lunch snooze film, and find DM laying the table for tea. Our protestations of "but we're still full" were simply met with "but surely you can manage a little something". Meaning a table full of food.

All the suggestions of filling up on a secret supply of chocolates and biscuits wouldn't cut it for me. If I was really hungry I would want proper food - a sandwich at least or something savoury.

Just don’t go. Say they are welcome to join you but you will be celebrating at home. I had a lightbulb moment after several Christ-masses on the trot of traipsing my family off to stay with relatives, being cold, stressed and uncomfortable all to please others. Now we stay at home just us and it is bliss. Why should you sacrifice tour happiness and enjoyment to suit someone else. It sounds crap. Stay home and let them choose whether to join you or stay at their own home and have the Christmas you deserve and want.

At least if only 2 hours away you don't need to stay overnight or more than a couple of days. Keep it short, take extra food to snack on and have a nice meal when you get home and don't go for another few years. Otherwise go boxing day. You don't have to visit relatives on the day itself if they're rubbish hosts

She's done that for five years. But her DH WANTS to go to his parents. Getting what he wants for one Christmas in six is not unreasonable. One spouse doesn't get to dictate that their other half never gets what they want with regard to the day..

I'd turn up with some food and use the excuse, our next door neighbour's freezer broke and couldn't eat all the food that had defrosted so gave some of it us as they didn't want it to go to waste.

No you don't.

Tell them you're looking forward to seeing them at yours. Maybe even just invite them for Boxing Day and the 27th?

Yes, it's work, but you'll have a comfortable Christmas.

I like the suggestion for hot chocolate on Christmas Eve. In fact I'd start remembering a whole host of emergency traditions.
Don't you always have coffee and mince pies after church on Christmas Day?
And what about your Turkey and special chutney sandwich on Christmas Day pm? Is that a jar of your chutney wrapped up from your Aunt?
A Boxing Day walk after a cooked breakfast at a local pub?
And why don't you unwrap your lucky gift of your favourite chocolates from your best friend? Your DH might like one too.

Ok then - but still don't go!

My guess is they've been dropping a huge hint to you that their hearts are not in it for a long time, and the last five years have been a massive relief to them.

I’d fall very ill a couple of days before so couldn’t possibly attend. I would then never ever go back, wtf is your husband doing?

The suggestion to bring a catering truck may possibly be the most bonkers thing I've ever read on here. I mean, can you imagine! 😂

My grandparents were born in 1925 and 1928 respectively. My grandad was the son of a coal miner who died in a pit accident when he was three and he lived with his widowed mother and two siblings in a one up one down cottage. My grandma wasn't poor but they didn't have a lot of money either, especially after her mother was also widowed.

My dad and his siblings have wonderful memories of growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, and my dad always says his father in particular wanted to give his children the kind of fun and treats his own mother couldn't afford to give him growing up in a mining community in the 1930s.

And now I and my siblings and cousins have wonderful memories of going to our grandparents' house in the 1990s and early 2000s, where they would always have gone shopping to fill the house up with things they knew we liked from Coco Pops to the softest white bread to steak from the local butcher and eggs from the local farm shop to Mr Kipling lemon slices for my brother who loved them. No family meal was complete without at least three different puddings to choose from. OK, they were clearly people whose love language was food and treats, but God, those visits to their house and particularly the Christmases were just an absolute joy.

OK some people genuinely can't afford to push the boat out, but I'm just not buying the idea that people who can afford to buy nice food and celebrate properly at Christmas don't know how to do so just because they grew up with poverty and rationing. I think it's more of a personality thing.

It really does depend on what it’s like at his parents. If everyone is going to be cold and hungry the entire time, then he needs to recognise this is why no one wants to go and either address it with his parents, agree to staying in a hotel/airB&B, or invite his parents to his.

Staying at my mum’s is a nightmare. She’s generous but also bonkers. Food is very odd, comes served on side plates and you have to be on guard because my mum doesn’t seem to understand DS’s dietary requirements. The house is heated to an incredible temperature so it’s like spending 3 days in a sauna. And usually my sister and her kids (who are high energy and hard work) will be there and have claimed all the proper sleeping spaces.

My (then) partner and I came to the conclusion that we’d stay in a hotel when we visited my mum. But we more regularly went to stay with his parents where things were far more normal.

I haven’t spent Christmas at my mum’s since 2008. There is a reason for that.

I'm just not buying the idea that people who can afford to buy nice food and celebrate properly at Christmas don't know how to do so just because they grew up with poverty and rationing.

It’s not a question of not knowing how to but seeing it as a waste of money.

This, plus you are welcome to join us for Christmas lunch or afterwards.
They won't come, big drinkers seldom stray far from home.

He basically cut thin slivers and not very much - basically a kitten's meals worth.

😂

I don't see a huge difference between those two things.

Someone who sees it as a waste of money is someone who doesn't know how to celebrate or have fun.

You can celebrate and have fun without spending a lot of money.

That depends what the occasion is.

When the occasion is Christmas, it's very difficult to celebrate and have fun if you are cold and hungry. And heating and food cost money.

It's easier to celebrate and have fun without spending a lot of money if the occasion is, for example, a July birthday, when you could go to the beach and celebrate with an ice cream and a bag of chips.

There is a reason why Bob Cratchit's family Christmas improved considerably when Scrooge decided to buy them a big fat goose.

Invite them to yours, don’t go to theirs.

If you’ve said you’ll go this year you can’t very well pull out 3 weeks before. I would honestly bring a selection of snacks and keep them in a rucksack - bananas, sandwiches, biscuits. And remember thick slipper socks and a cosy jumper. Then say no to any future invitations.

You can if they are being completely unreasonable about food/ catering and refusing to compromise on anything

I agree: it’s too late to pull out and similarly if they have said no thanks to the suggested contributions it really is too rude to rock up and just start cooking what you want in their home. But I think it’s fine to take a stash of goodies ( and I’d go indulgent!) and I think if contributions have not been welcomed I’d take a ( tasty) token item to share on a “ couldn’t come empty-handed” basis, but other than that the stash is your own business, esp if kept discreetly in your car. It’s a bore, but it sounds like DH wants to go, which isn’t unreasonable after five years, and if you’re in this deep, I’d try to make it go smoothly so as to “tick that box” and get it cleanly off your plate - hopefully got another 5 years. Job done. And make it clear that all are invited to your new place next year - because that’s where you’ll be!

Well yes you could, you could fall out with your in laws over Christmas over a dinner, and spoil it for DH and upset an otherwise good relationship, all in the knowledge it was far from a yearly occurrence, and that you wouldn’t have to do it again for another 5 Christmases, but I’m not so combative that I would see that as worth it.