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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
GladioliandSweetPeas · 03/12/2023 19:24

@willWillSmithsmith Well I completely agree there 🤷🏼‍♀️ The DH should be talking to his mum!

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 19:25

saraclara · 03/12/2023 19:23

She has. For the last five years. But now her DH wants to go, because they're his family and he wants to see them.

If DH refused to go to a mumsnetters parents for Christmas for five years and on the sixth year she said she really wanted to see them, and he still refused, what would the responses be here?

Show quote history

If he wants them all to go to his parents for Christmas it's on him to address the food and heating issue.

MrsCarson · 03/12/2023 19:30

I hope he will back you up when she tries to bat away/dispose of food you bring and not serve it up. Your Dh needs to address the problems with heat and food before you go.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 19:33

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

In that case I think your deal with your husband needs to be that you bring whatever food you want and don't think they will provide, that if it's cold he will turn the radiators on, and that if his mum says anything, he takes her to one side and says to her very honestly, "Mum, it's Christmas. If you are hosting people you need to feed them properly and put the heating on. I'm sorry if you're offended but I'm not going to let my wife and kids be cold and hungry at Christmas."

ilovesushi · 03/12/2023 19:51

@BIossomtoes agree that it can be a response to earlier depravation. My ILs (FIL is late 80s, MIL sadly passed now) were born into real poverty in 1930s Ireland and it affected MILs relationship to buying, cooking, serving, eating food her whole life. They lived very frugally and carefully even though they could have enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle. That memory of being without never left them.

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 20:01

My ILs (FIL is late 80s, MIL sadly passed now) were born into real poverty in 1930s

My late MIL was born in 1929 into a very poor family. No running water or electricity, not enough food, a bath once a week where they all took it in turns to use the same bathwater etc.

However, she was a very generous host, and if anything was too generous.

Jack80 · 03/12/2023 20:17

I would invite them to yours or come down with something before Christmas

Dinkydoo17 · 03/12/2023 20:54

I'd be taking a red felt tip to a covid test 🤣

SALWARP2023 · 03/12/2023 21:02

Take snacks and stay just a night or 2. Make it clear you want to host next year. It is rude to take dinner though, unless asked. I'd be offended! Be careful to get your husband to be onside as his parents won't be around forever.

Also, the reason they have money is because they are careful- my parents were like it but at least she had plenty of money to pay for her care when it became necessary.

Birch101 · 03/12/2023 21:05

If you go take a suitcase full of goodies and hide them in your room lol then say sorry it's so cold go to your room, get into cozy, drink, play games and eat yummy food without them!

rachellovesdouglas · 03/12/2023 21:18

If my husband wasn’t the only son I would be thinking we have the same in-laws. It’s a form of martyrdom I swear or a throw back from the war. I just don’t get it. Pack thermals and prepare for a shit couple of days.

BIossomtoes · 03/12/2023 21:20

Birch101 · 03/12/2023 21:05

If you go take a suitcase full of goodies and hide them in your room lol then say sorry it's so cold go to your room, get into cozy, drink, play games and eat yummy food without them!

🙄

Or better still, just don’t go. I can’t believe people would be so rude to their hosts.

DingleDongle80 · 03/12/2023 21:24

Buy a tabletop fridge for the bedroom and bring your own turkey and treats. Also take along a portable heater to heat up the bedroom. 😁

JDEE72 · 03/12/2023 21:24

It sounds awful.
just say you won’t be going this year, you’re going to stay at home where there’s heating and edible food.
be blunt. It’s your Christmas day too, and it’s not fair to have that as memories to look back on.
alternatively, and it’s making me annoyed at the thought, say you’re only having the afternoon there, and going home in the evening. Have your Christmas dinner on the day before or after. You shouldn’t have to go there just because it’s family. I think they know how Scrooge like it is, and to expect you to barely eat anything for three days or more is ludicrous.

if you do end up going, definitely take along your cooked veggies and say you know she doesn’t like them, but you do.

then sit with a tub of chocolates on your lap and enjoy them before you leave with them.
I don’t care if it’s childish or petty, it sounds flippin’ miserable.

User1789 · 03/12/2023 21:31

DingleDongle80 · 03/12/2023 21:24

Buy a tabletop fridge for the bedroom and bring your own turkey and treats. Also take along a portable heater to heat up the bedroom. 😁

I do hope this is a piss take.

If so, touche.

It exemplifies the 'can't you just suck it up?' responses that DILs of batshit PILs get on here, particuarly at Xmas. Take along your own appliances to ensure you are fed and warm enough, indeed...

Autumnleaves89 · 03/12/2023 21:31

DingleDongle80 · 03/12/2023 21:24

Buy a tabletop fridge for the bedroom and bring your own turkey and treats. Also take along a portable heater to heat up the bedroom. 😁

Some of the replies to this are MENTAL. Just mental.
suggestions of buying and taking large electrical items and a sodding catering trailer (?!), just insane.
Or hiding in the room? Can think of nothing worse than secretly eating a cheeseboard sat on a bed in someone’s spare room and playing christmas games. Honestly, mums net’s fucking batshit sometimes.
Either take some stuff and tell her why or just don’t go. Jesus effing Christ.

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 21:37

I agree @Autumnleaves89. Some of the suggestions are bonkers.

User1789 · 03/12/2023 21:53

Can think of nothing worse than secretly eating a cheeseboard sat on a bed in someone’s spare room and playing christmas games.

Divorce from your spouse might be a bit worse for some.

BIossomtoes · 03/12/2023 21:54

User1789 · 03/12/2023 21:53

Can think of nothing worse than secretly eating a cheeseboard sat on a bed in someone’s spare room and playing christmas games.

Divorce from your spouse might be a bit worse for some.

Hardly comparable, is it?

sqirrelfriends · 03/12/2023 22:00

Mojolostforever · 02/12/2023 22:25

I would have a very bad cold on Christmas day.

You beat me to it, it’s very contagious of course.

Autumnleaves89 · 03/12/2023 22:01

User1789 · 03/12/2023 21:53

Can think of nothing worse than secretly eating a cheeseboard sat on a bed in someone’s spare room and playing christmas games.

Divorce from your spouse might be a bit worse for some.

Who’s getting divorced?
wtf 😂 mental.

Lavender14 · 03/12/2023 22:03

I'd find a reason not to go and offer to host them instead. What does your other half say?

OldPerson · 03/12/2023 22:08

It's never about the turkey and veg! They're happy to spend money on booze, they just don't want to spend money on food and heating. Unless they're anxious and embarrassed by entertaining stresses and sink themselves in booze. Do you really enjoy spending time with the in-laws? If you feel you must spend every year with them, be assertive, and bring along at least the veg and all the bits that were missing for you. If you don't have to spend every year with them, then while you're there break out (garage for de-icer or tyre check, walk the dog, be caught out by needing to buy xmas gift for someone you forgot, have to buy emergency dress) and go get a takeaway or go to the pub - as long as husband is on board. Or have fun with messing with their minds. Buy hot water bottles for everyone wrapped in theme jumpers or pink fluff. Just to be on-hand when it's cold. Put on the most elaborate dessert or cheese board or starters - and state that you want to start your annual Xmas tradition (as your mother did). Just make sure it's lots of what you want to eat and goes in the fridge, so no unexplained disappearing. And then find an excuse to sneak out to the pub or takeaway. They won't notice. They'll be too busy swigging back the sherry.

TolkiensFallow · 03/12/2023 22:12

I’ve developed lot of strategies to help manage staying with people (who I love) who have totally different eating habits to me over the years.

  1. snacks in your room. Take them a box of quality street as a contribution but also take a tub for your room.
  2. ditto shortbread, nothing nicer than getting up, making a cuppa and dipping a posh biscuit in it in bed.
  3. ”oooh I really fancy a pub lunch, who fancies the pub?” Prime your DH for this so that you two can go even if the in laws don’t want to. (Personally I would offer to treat my hosts to a meal out but appreciate not everyone would want to)
  4. ”I’m really looking forward to my traditional Boxing Day walk”…off you go and on the way back you happen to pick up the ingredients for a full English breakfast/whatever you fancy, because you are just soooooo famished from the walk.
  5. absolutely take a cheeseboard…and make sure you state “I’ve bought this for us ALL to enjoy, oh I know I didn’t NEED to but you know, I was always raised not to turn up at someone’s house with my arms swinging”.

You and DH can make up all sorts of traditions around that you can incorporate into a visit. “Oh enjoy your wine, seeing as we don’t drink, we always have hot chocolate on Christmas Eve, I’ve even bought some with us seeing as it’s become something of a tradition, would anyone like me to make them some whilst I do ours?”

The main Christmas dinner is your challenge though…cheap food and no veg…I think take M&S sides and just cook them. I’d be inclined to tactically tell MIL that I’ve “found over the years I need more veg, you know for the digestion”…with a knowing wink.

You can do this OP.

susiedaisy1912 · 03/12/2023 22:16

Either don't go or go and accept it for what it is. I'm guessing seeing as you haven't said that your dp is used to it as he grew up with them so doesn't really see it as a problem op?

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