To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

It’s an age thing. Plus if they’ve had hard times before they dare not waste money. I get it but also the number 5 bus could hit you and you’ve wasted a life.

Wear your best clothes everyday, buy the things you can afford, try and live a bit. You can’t take the savings with you! I’d rather my IL’s would spend, live and make memories, rather than being stingy on buying extras at Christmas. It’s just hard work!

She’s 89.

In which case she was born in the Depression, most of her childhood was in WW2 and her early adulthood was in the 1950s when money was very scarce. It’s hardly surprising she doesn’t know how to spend money, being frugal is the habit of a lifetime. My dad was exactly the same, he was a miner’s son in the north east, he never lost the fear of being penniless.

Crikey Moses, what a palaver!

Why don’t you just go on Boxing Day? Then you can legitimately take food saying it’s leftovers, and you get to have a nice actual Christmas.

Go with food. Put food in fridge or if she is likely to complain about fridge space, take a plastic sealed box with lid and leave outside as it will be cold enough.

Don't ask. Just turn up with what you'd like to eat.

Do that cheese board
Make a fabulous starter
Take some vegetables that can be reheated easily.

Pad out the miserly meal.

Sounds like they need a new version of Christmas cheer!

I would simply say something like something has come up and you're no longer able to make it, but they're welcome at yours( even though I know it's not possible from what you've said)
They don't care about your comfort so I wouldn't subject yourselves to such a miserable " festive time"

I agree with this. Just turn up with some nice food pre-prepared. They aren't exactly going to turn you away at the door or throw out the food. Keep some non-perishable snacks for your room too!

Just go for the day. Say you’ve got a rescue kitten that’s been foisted on you by a good friend and you can’t leave it for longer than 12 hours.

Otherwise, I’d bring a cool box with some prepped veggies and other bits and pieces.

They sound so mean they might take anything you give them and not actually share it with you.

Id also take a big bag of nice goodies, like chocs, nuts, babybels, tangerines etc as they keep out of the fridge, pannetonne and anything in jars and keep it well hidden away.

Id spend a lot of time noshing in my room if I were you.

But mostly just turn up, eat a few crumbs and then leave. At least you’d have shown your face and you’ve kept the peace!

If you haven’t been for 5 years, just say that when you were Iocked down for Christmas you made a new Christmas tradition of maxing out on the M&S Christmas range and you while it’s brilliant you can spend Christmas (4 days!!!) with them again this year, you couldn’t bear to miss out on the sides and snacks this year, so you’ve brought some to share. Plus add it’s not fair to expect them
to buy and cook everything. Be firm but cheerful. Make DH do the washing up as his contribution.

This is mad. Cheese on toast and freezing rooms is not ok for guests at any time, let alone Christmas, especially as you have offered to bring stuff and cook it. I either would not go, or I'd invite them to yours and show them how it should be done!

It IS surprising because most of that generation is the opposite. People who've known a scarcity of food are usually the first to buy everything they can afford and give to their family. I think the lasting effect of rationing is actually OVER eating rather than under eating.

B.Y.O

I 100% wouldn't go. Well, not on Christmas Day anyway. Life's too short yo do things just to keep people happy. You need to do what YOU want on Christmas Day. Say you'll see them for a sherry between Christmas and New Year.

take snacks to keep you going and have your own Christmas either before or after? Looks like you are going to be stuck with this for years so work around it ?

You cannot change other people's behaviour, only your own reaction to it. In your case the answer is obvious, do not go to your ILs for Christmas.

I didn’t see that.

If the in-laws can refuse to go anywhere then why on earth can’t OP do the same?

I think this is the best suggestion of all.

Not in my experience. I was brought up by parents who would have been 107 and 105 now. They abhorred waste and were very frugal. Everyone I ever met of that generation was the same - my mum’s six sisters and brothers in law and my dad’s family. It’s my (boomer) generation who are extravagant and profligate.

"Not in my experience. I was brought up by parents who would have been 107 and 105 now. They abhorred waste and were very frugal. Everyone I ever met of that generation was the same - my mum’s six sisters and brothers in law and my dad’s family. It’s my (boomer) generation who are extravagant and profligate."

My experience is the EXACT opposite. My grandparents who would be older than your parents would have been were all feeders. Ok, the grandmothers.
My boomer parents too obviously.

Yes, they were careful with money in some ways, but food was/is so plentiful and cheap in their old age that they really think the more the better. Even with the cost of living crisis, food is cheaper in the UK than other comparable countries and cheaper and more plentiful than for previous generations. It really is a cheap and easy way to show love for many people.

Well at least your Christmases don't suck.

Explain ? 💁 Why are you considering going there ?

I wouldn’t go. Have Christmas at home and invite them and show them how it’s done. If they can’t then go Boxing Day with your own food, booze and take away menus locally.

1. Don’t go at xmas
2. wait until they’re dead
3. enjoy the inheritance and splurge their money especially for xmasses!

Is this a fucking joke 😂😂😂😂😂

I would take a bag of food and keep it in my room. You don’t have to eat it there though. Imagine starving your guests- so strange! Definitely take a sideboard and veggies and a dessert!! Good luck.

She has. For the last five years. But now her DH wants to go, because they're his family and he wants to see them.

If DH refused to go to a mumsnetters parents for Christmas for five years and on the sixth year she said she really wanted to see them, and he still refused, what would the responses be here?