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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 03/12/2023 08:37

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:26

I've avoided going for about 5 years now (thank you Covid) but I sort of need to go to keep the peace!

go take your own bits and pieces of food you like offer it around I don't know why your husband is being awkwardly polite and putting up with it take your cheese and just eat it.

BrendaBicycle · 03/12/2023 08:37

Really you do not have to go

just visit them for 1 day maybe or not at all

you don’t have to do this

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2023 08:38

Except don’t sayit was “like something out of a Dickens novel” meaning rubbish as a Dickens Christmas would be warm lively fun full of people with an abundance of food and drink! That was Dickens point he loved Christmas and did it well.

TooShortToReachThatShelf · 03/12/2023 08:39

Don't go, stay at home and have a lovely day and a proper dinner. Your in-laws have prioritised booze over food or family.

SuspiciousSue · 03/12/2023 08:40

I bet they’re the sort of people who absolutely gorge when other people are hosting 🙄

Another vote for just not going.

Keepinmovin · 03/12/2023 08:40

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

A couple of things

First off why not say that you are trying out being vegetarian or you've been told to eat less meat ... so you'll bring some nice veggie food.

Second, remember Christmas day is just that. A day. You don't have to make this your special day for a Christmas meal. How about Boxing day or another day.? Invite some pals and do a lovely Christmas lunch at yours ? And just think of the 25th as a random day you're visiting the in laws

SiennaMillar · 03/12/2023 08:42

I’d tell them the truth. We won’t be coming because we want to enjoy dinner on Christmas Day and find your house too cold.

QueenMegan · 03/12/2023 08:44

Don't go.

Mynewnameis · 03/12/2023 08:44

No thanks I'll stay at home

QueenMegan · 03/12/2023 08:45

Invite them to you boxing day and feed them up.
Are they functioning alcoholics maybe they just can't eat alot.

Autumnleaves89 · 03/12/2023 08:46

Honestly I HATE the suggestion so often tossed out on here that “christmas day is just a day, move your main christmas to another date, have your christmas meal the week after” blah blah blah. NO. I don’t want to. Christmas is important to some people. I look forward to it all year and don’t WANT do celebrate it in the 27th. And not should I have to.

gotomomo · 03/12/2023 08:47

I take anything I want to eat with me despite being told not to bring anything!

Long life foods I leave in the car to fetch as required and I bring cheese, meats, nibbly bits etc and dump it in overflow fridge - dad fully aware. Mum keeps buying vegan "food" (that isn't hummus, that's nice) but not surprisingly everyone bar the vegans devour my food!

Mybatteryisoutofcharge · 03/12/2023 08:48

Just take loads of nice snacks. Do a Christmas dinner a day or before you go/come home.

justasking111 · 03/12/2023 08:48

I think I'd sneak in a small heater for the bedroom covered in wrapping paper or one of those heated blankets.

startquitting · 03/12/2023 08:48

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 08:32

I never understand on MN the adults who cannot speak up

Neither can I. There is no need to be rude. I can be politely assertive and just say that I'm cold and hungry and need (not want) to eat more, and need to have vegetables with my meal.

All of this.

Lottapianos · 03/12/2023 08:49

'We didn't even get to open any gifts last time because we couldn't get them to sit down for half an hour'

We used to go to my ILs for Christmas. We had plenty of food and heating but they didn't particularly get into the spirit. It got to 5pm one Christmas Day and all the presents were still under the tree, unopened ( adults only, no children). When I suggested that maybe we could open them, MIL looked surprised and said she had forgotten all about them! 🤦🏻‍♂️🙄

RampantIvy · 03/12/2023 08:50

Are they functioning alcoholics maybe they just can't eat alot.

That occurred to me as well.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 08:51

Just take stuff. I’ve a friend we are staying with who has bizarrely sgarted doing this, very little food and just the worst quality. So this year I just owned it and said we will bring the meat and cook it, as our contribution. You do veg. I will then also bring snacks and stuff. We love them to bits. But not doing it again. Last time we were starving.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/12/2023 08:56

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I would just respond that our Christmas traditions are so different it just isn’t going to be possible to keep everyone happy. Suggest going after Christmas instead and go for the day.

My in laws house is always freezing too - I really don’t get living in a massive house that’s worth about 800k and not turning the heating on. I full wfh clobber (jumpers to the mid calf 🤣) and layer up/ take slippers etc. The kids just tell them they’re cold and tbf they put the heating on then.

trollopolis · 03/12/2023 09:01

Well it's her house and her rules, isn't it.

When you're a guest (even a family guest) you don't just go barging around breaking the rules, so can't take over the cooking.

Your choices are either not to go (at all, or less frequently)
Or take supplies on the side and eat them in private. Plus stock up on thermals

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/12/2023 09:01

Tried to bring food once. Stopped off at the supermarket and bought enough good quality stuff for everybody, right down to ripe tomatoes on the vine instead of hard snooker balls that were vaguely orangey.

Carried all food back 250 miles on public transport five days later.

Never again.

Panderoo · 03/12/2023 09:02

Take a plug in electric cool box and a small fire, bring an entire suitcase of stuff. You can not reason with people like this. So just turn up with veg already prepped, if it’s not prepped then it could be taken back but if it’s prepped up you can tell them it will be wasted. DH recalls a Christmas as a child where they had the day at his Aunt and Uncles who was a vegan so they stuffed their cases with sausage rolls and other stuff.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 03/12/2023 09:02

3smallpups · 02/12/2023 22:26

Quick bout of covid should do the trick Grin

Yup, no way would i be putting up with that.

Lorrymum · 03/12/2023 09:05

Please don't go.
I spent years going to my parents in law and looking back I don't know why we went.
SIL and her family would all have meal in the dining room but apparently never enough room for DH and myself. We always had our Christmas dinner on a tray in the front room heated by an oil stove. We laugh about it now but why did we bother?
We stopped going after a few years after common sense kicked in.

user1471538283 · 03/12/2023 09:05

I wouldn't go. To us the whole point of Christmas (and any other day really) is plenty of food. I couldn't be hungry on Christmas day! It's been another difficult year so surely to celebrate you need sufficient food. And to not even have vegetables with a dinner!

I would go and see them after lunch on Boxing Day and home in time for tea.

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