To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

You maybe have to suck it up and go this year because its so close to the big day.

However, I would be having a conversation with hubby about subsequent ones and agree to have Christmas with juat your family in your house.

I dont do this as I am a single mum to a DS so it would be a little sad with just us two, but my sister who lives with her bf and 2 kids visit my mum in the morning for a few hours then go home to have their own family dinner.

No love lost because the family have seen them and it also relieves a lot of the stress for my mum with reducing numbers a little bit.

I plan on doing this if I end up having another live in partner or more children as I much prefer being at home after dinner to slob around and chill out!

It’s your turn to host. End of conversation.

Good for you 👍. We all have different strengths and things we find difficult, not to mention different family dynamics. Life would be boring if we were all the same.

Looks like life is even more boring spending Christmas cold, hungry and annoyed.

Do you actually have to go?

This

DH needs to speak to them, along the lines of we want to spend time with you, but Christmas traditions are important to kiwilime. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to change your traditions for us-we can either host you at ours or we can visit on x day instead. Done.

"We prefer to have the full works for Christmas dinner, so we will join you on Boxing Day instead, and will bring some leftovers with us"

@Kta7 I am far too long in the tooth to martyr myself and put up with inhospitable hosting and a miserable Christmas. I'm not fussed what I eat at Christmas as long as it is tasty, there is enough and I'm not cold.

It’s not as easy as just saying ‘don’t go!’. These things can cause huge offence and there is a lot of social pressure. You can of course tell someone to just ignore than and do their own thing, but most people are tied by a sense of familial obligation which they’re not prepared to rip apart even in circumstances where it might mean a shitty Christmas.

I do think though, OP, that you should be a bit brazen. Bring some food and be relentlessly bright and breezy about how hosting Christmas is SUCH an effort and you’re so grateful that you felt you had to chip in and WON’T it be FUN to be in the kitchen together to make the food etc. I would also bring a large hamper of nice festive treats as a gift, but bring it out at a time when you can crack in to it right away so they don’t just stow it.

Basically, show some brass neck but dress it up as participating in a fun, shared activity that you’re really excited about.

I wouldn’t go - just invite them to yours once you’ve moved to a bigger place

Or just book them into a hotel near you a s invite them this year?

But if you do go, I would tackle it on the chin - ‘MIL thanks for hosting, we really appreciate it, but appetites get smaller as we get older so I’m going to look Christmas dinner so there’s enough’

it would be less stressy to book them a hotel near yours, but if you have to go I would absolutely be that blunt

Just go and bring stuff anyway. I’d load up the car with treats and snacks and delicious breakfast things and bring them in with a cheery ‘We couldn’t come empty handed!’ and then crack on with eating what you like. Hold some treats back if you’re worried MIL will store away never to be seen again.

Bring hot water bottles and heated throws and make a point that you find the house very cold.

Then have Christmas at yours next year.

It sounds from your last update that you'd be going to just be your husband's emotional support person and not because you want to (and I can't blame you because I also wouldn't want to).

I honestly think you should not go. Have Christmas at home, see them on boxing Day or at new year's and take your own food boards as you have said, and try and make it just a day trip rather than an overnighter or longer stay.

It's ok being there to emotionally support your husband but your husband also needs to emotionally support you. You and him as a family unit come first, and you deserve to have a nice Christmas.

Have a stash of biscuits and chocolates in your room, definitely take the cheese (if she's offended, say someone gifted it to you and you don't want it to go off)

You could also stomach their Christmas dinner and just make one with all the trimmings when you get home? NYD or whatever?

Could you visit them in between Christmas and New year for a couple of days instead?

Why are you going?

Agree that you have no obligation to be polite to spare their feelings if they're already rude in the first place by not offering a basic standard of comfort/hosting.

If you're arriving at the weekend, I think I'd check out what they have in while the shops are still open and then if they haven't had a change of heart and actually got enough food in, go out to the supermarket at about 2 pm on Sunday afternoon when anything left is reduced and come back with your bargain ham, cheese, desserts, pate, veg etc and announce 'look at this, I got it all for less than a fiver' and just shove it all in the fridge and cupboards a la that last episode of Motherland.

In any case, food (except perhaps fresh meat or fish) will be fine in the car for a couple of days at this time of year so you can store some things there.

Then if they don't host like normal people and offer meals and snacks at regular intervals, just get up and cook. It's DHs family home, you don't need to wait to be offered, especially if the offer never actually comes.

Treat them to lunch out on Christmas day OP. Say its their Christmas present from you.

Good opportunity this year for you to change things up .

Take prepared veg / desserts you like and say we've really enjoyed these the last few years we've had Xmas at home so we've brought these for the table .

Keep boxes of chocolates in your room and bring them out in bowls when you want ... don't bring the box out otherwise you won't see it .

Any special food you like and they don't provide , take it .

Now is the perfect time for you to introduce these things as you can use the excuse of ' the last few years we've enjoyed these' .

Another take on this might be that they're not being tight but the cooking/ prepping off food is stressful .

My sister absolutely detests hosting. She preps some food , others bring dessert, one lays the table and clears it , somebody else washes and drys and leaves the dishes in piles on the table ... she finds she's able to cope better with this and is less overwhelmed.

My in laws were similar. I would take boxes of chocolates and snacks and say "these are for us all to share. I'd like them all to stay on the side please so we can all help ourselves". And "I've also brought some other bits and pieces to share over the holiday. Where would you like me to put them so I can access them easily? " Basically be a calm, assertive adult. You're not making them eat them but they do not have the right to hide them. Re veggies I'd say" I know you're not fond of veggies mil but we are so I've brought some pre-prepared and I'll cook them." Let her get all flustered and passive aggressive or whatever and just remain. Don't let her project all sorts of thing onto you - notice it happening and you can remove some of the power.

And then if you're hungry say to dh or frankly prime him to say to you "ooh I think it's time for some cheese and biscuits. Anyone else fancy some?"

If she stores food away, ask for it back. It's more rude for her to steal and hide food than it is for you to just be direct about what your expectations are. My inlaws were never direct about anything and surely thought me the height of rudeness. But I know the issue is theirs and have no desire to seek approval from weird twisted sorts. Plus I was not willing to have miserable kids just to suit their miserly, infantile ways.

The cold is trickier. I'd take a space heater for my bedroom, and giant hoodies to make the point and also be warm.

I wouldn’t go.
Tbh that sort of Christmas sounds like punishment. Can’t you drop by another time?

I would ignore her and take some food along anyway. Even if you have to keep it stashed in the car or bedroom. Christmas Dinner is all about the extra bits you wouldn't normally bother making for a bog standard roast.

I think a lot of older people get tight with money, even if they have plenty. My Dad certainly has. If it was up to him you'd have soup and bread for Christmas Dinner. He's generous in other ways, though. He just sees food as sustenance and anything more is wasteful and unnecessary 🙄

So their desire to be in their own home has weight but yours doesn't?

Don't go. Stay home, make nice food.

If you do go, don't ask about taking food, just take what you like to eat, including all the lovely Xmas snacks etc. At some point, Boxing Day? go out for a roast.

Dont go

Has to be done in the right way though. If they think things like cheese and biscuits, chocolates etc are gifts to them, they probably feel justified in whisking them away for later by themselves. A bowl of sprouts or tray of pigs in blankets is more obviously for the meal!

What does DP feel about going?

Take some plug-in heated throws so you can stay toasty. Reassure your ILs that they only cost a few pennies an hour as you plug them in breezily. Take delicious snacks but keep them in your room rather than giving them to the ILs and then every so often walk into the room taking the cellophane off and offer them round - that way they can’t be disappeared into a cupboard when you arrive, never to be seen again. Take Christmas hats/headbands in abundance and wear them relentlessly. Finally, don’t try and supplement Christmas dinner, it’s still going to be dismal - just make sure the fridge is stocked at home so that you can have an actual delicious and joyful Christmas dinner when you get home!