To wonder why some siblings don’t get on

[theprincessthepea]

I’m one of two. I hated having a sibling growing up, mainly because I had to take care of them.

Now as adults we get on very very well and I’d say they are one of my closest friends.

My DD HATES being an only child and begs me for a sibling. Now I’m expecting I’m thinking to myself that there is no guarantee they will get on.

I have friends that are super close to sibling(s) and friends that have fallen out with their families for various reasons.

I always wondered if there was a “formula” to being close with family? What makes you so close to your sibling/s?

AIBU to think that as a mum I have a duty to create experiences that “make” them close?

Surely it's just personalities. You gel with some people more than others. I have 4 siblings. I'm not really close to any of them because of the age difference. (9years, 15years, 18years)
But I see some of them more often because I'm close to my mum and we go see her and my siblings together.

It's just luck. You're not more likely to get on with someone just because you happen to share the same DNA.

My parents and DH are both from big families and none of them are close to any of their siblings. On of DH's sisters lives less than 200m away and he hasn't seen or spoken to her in over a decade - I've never even met her!

Agree it's just personalities. Some siblings are so similar and some are chalk and cheese. I get on with my sister but we're virtually the same person and share similar views on most things.

The main reason my siblings and I aren’t close is because our parents had far more children than they could afford, financially and emotionally, and it was an impoverished, overcrowded childhood with no individual attention, little attention in general, and one in which we were all competing for scarce resources. My parents had no clue that parenting involved more than basic food or shelter, because that’s all they got from their own parents.

As adults, only one of us has chosen to have children, and we keep our distance from one another.

You can’t force your children to be close (and I know lots of people from privileged backgrounds who hate their siblings), but you can certainly be fair parents/ distribute attention equally/ not have more children than you can afford.

I have heard that birth ages have an effect on how siblings will get on as children with two years being the most difficult. The further the ages apart the better (apparently) with five years being the best and if they are very close in age they don't know any different (I guess). Obviously this is a generalisation and it also depends upon family dynamics and personalities.

Mine were five years apart and got on well and never fought. DH is two years apart from his brother and his sister - super close now.

Different personalities. Mental health issues. Different views on life. Experiences growing up. Anything really. Just because you are related does not mean you are always going to get along even if you want to.

I don't get on with mine probably mostly because I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. Maybe we could have liked each other if that was different, but who knows.

Luck. You cant engineer the perfect set up. Plus your family doesn't exist in a vacuum, there's outside influences as well.

DH can't be in the same room as BIL. Growing up they were quite close until teenage years.

I think of it a bit like an arranged marriage. Sometimes, the marriage is genuinely successful, because the two people put together by other people turn out to have similar personalities and stuff in common. Sometimes, the marriage isn’t successful, because the two people have very little in common and very different personalities. The same is true of siblings: ultimately they’re individual, independent human beings with different personalities and preferences who happen to have been forced to grow up together because their parents wanted more than one child. Sometimes, they might have stuff in common and get on. Sometimes, they won’t. Expecting people to be friends simply because they share DNA is odd.

My brother is an arsehole, that's why we don't get on.

I think being close enough in age to have shared experiences leads to closeness as adults. My sister and i were 20mths apart, totally different personalities. We played well together and sometimes fought like commandoes. Have totally different lives as adults but speak every day and see each other really often. one if my top three people!

I think it is down to luck. As kids I sometimes played with my sister, sometimes we fought. As teens we really didn't get on - our personalities and views began to develop and we had very little in common. As adults we aren't close, rarely speak or see each other unless our mum has organised a get together.
We just have different outlooks on life, a different approach, different levels of education, different views on marriage, family life, etc. If we'd just met in a social environment, we'd be polite and move on to find someone we clicked with.

It's just not as simple as that.

My brother and I are just over two years apart, so I guess we had "shared experiences" but our parents did actually treat us very differently. Also, he's a twat.

My sister is eight years older, and actually a half sister, we didn't have shared experiences really and were also treated very differently by our parents, but I get on better with her.

In my experience its usually to do with the parents. Parental interference in the sibling relationship or parents treating one better than the other. In my family it's both and in my dh family it's that they treated his sibling better than him.

Because you can’t like everyone.

I had one sibling, much older. We always got on. The age difference helped and we both enjoyed that feeling of being an only but not. I miss him a lot.

The DH is the eldest of 4 - MIL had 5 pregnancies in 4.5 years. They do get on now but didn’t esp as kids. Their most common ground is politics. Otherwise, they are quite different.

My sister and I fought like cat and dog growing up, it was only when we left home that we realised that our father had massively impacted our relationship. He would play us off against each other and encourage us to fight, would try to make us jealous of one another and cause divide. Oddly he still tries it occasionally but we know his tactics and don’t fall for it. I really hoped my children got on and always encouraged them to, they are teens so occasionally have their little spats but in the main they are really close.

I think it largely dysfunctional families that have siblings competing with each other, either consciously or unconsciously. They don’t make for harmonious relationships.

My sons are not close at all. They just have nothing in common. If it wasn't for us, I doubt they would see each other again. Saying that, I only speak to my sister a few times a year.

Another vote for personality here. Sibling and I have practically nothing in common, sibling is argumentative and aggressive a lot. Was very rebellious as a teenager and made homelife miserable. There's nothing my parents could do really. They do try and bring us together but I don't want to.

There's 5 years between me and my sister, and we don't get on. As soon as I hit 11, I just felt like she was the most annoying thing ever. There's 2 years between my 2, and so far, they get on pretty well. They act like they're the same age most of the time.

As one of my sisters always said growing up, you can choose your friends but not your family!

Think about whether YOU want another child. It is your decision not your child's. Maybe the solution for DC would be to have more time with their friends.

I think yanbu, but I also think it's only part of the story, and it can be over-done.

Personality and parenting play huge parts in it imo.

my siblings and I didn’t stand a chance because due to our parents abuse we didn’t have a sibling relationship. We had the older ones protecting and looking after the younger ones (I’m the youngest) which then caused problems when I became an adult with opinions and wishes of my own.

FIL was one of 15. The elder ones resented being part of such a big family because when they were young there wasn’t a lot of money to go around and their father worked away a lot. The elder 5/6 were never close to the rest or each other. Circumstances then changed and they got a bigger house, had more money and their father was around - the younger ones all have great childhood memories and were close. The elder ones didn’t have more than 2 children each where as the younger ones all have big families (or in fils case wanted a big family). DH’s Granny has said herself that they had too many children before the circumstances change and the younger ones had a better childhood than the older ones.

MIL is one of 9. The 6 sisters are all very close. Even now Wednesday 7-8pm is either a meet up or video call with the others. Every week. The 3 sons aren’t as close, but are all married to women who are very close to their families.

I don’t think you can build closeness. A sense of family yes, but not actual friendly closeness. And I think parents pushing for that too hard can actually do the opposite.

My mum and her siblings are all polar opposites. It's not that they don't get on, they just have absolutely nothing in common and nothing to talk about. My mum is the youngest by ten years so there is an age gap. There's no animosity, they will send christmas cards, but that's it. They would never meet up. Now their parents are dead they don't see each other at all.
DH is very similar with his sister. She is 4 years younger. No issues, just nothing to say to each other. They haven't seen each other for 18 years now and don't have any contact despite living about 10 miles apart.
I'm very close to my sister -she is my best friend. Loads in common and we message daily and see each other lots. Shared hobbies as well.