To wonder why some siblings don’t get on

[theprincessthepea]

I’m one of two. I hated having a sibling growing up, mainly because I had to take care of them.

Now as adults we get on very very well and I’d say they are one of my closest friends.

My DD HATES being an only child and begs me for a sibling. Now I’m expecting I’m thinking to myself that there is no guarantee they will get on.

I have friends that are super close to sibling(s) and friends that have fallen out with their families for various reasons.

I always wondered if there was a “formula” to being close with family? What makes you so close to your sibling/s?

AIBU to think that as a mum I have a duty to create experiences that “make” them close?

There is only 14 months between me and my Sister. We got along alright when we were little but she was terrible to me when we were teenagers, really spiteful. We only became really close as adults (26 and 27 years old) when she got a dog who I adored and dog sat for. I wouldn't change her for the world now! I genuinely love her and enjoy her company. We text everyday, speak on the phone at least once a week and see each a couple of times per month.

I don't think it was parenting in my case, we all got on well growing up and had a lovely childhood & we all had opportunities / experiences appropriate to each of us ..but as we grew older we gradually grew apart ... no major falling out or going NC but we are all very different people and struggle to find much 'common ground' ... we barely see each other ... maybe once a year ... also throw in a difficult IL or two and it can all get very difficult / awkward. I would actually prefer to meet my sibling without their spouse but have only managed to do so once in over 20 years! They seem to be joined at the hip and won't do anything without each other.

I don’t get on with mine. I have two and they were each my parents favourites. We were played off against each other a lot too and they were generally allowed to get away with very bad behaviour towards me as my parents would make out that I was ‘overreacting’. We’re not close now and I couldn’t care less if I never saw them again. My mother tries to guilt me into having a relationship with them, particularly my sister but I don’t engage.

I think fairness and treating siblings equally goes some way towards enabling good relationships between siblings, but also personality and luck come into play.

I'm 5 years older than DSis so we didn't really play together as children. I think my DM maybe found DSis easier to parent as DM had horrendous PND with me, and my gran had to step in to help look after me for a while, so maybe DM and I didn't bond as we should. I was closer to DF. DSis and I fought a lot until I left for Uni, but got on much better afterwards. She made her life after Uni an hour away from DPs and we got together for family birthdays and holidays.
DSis stopped visiting our widowed and sick DM (except for maybe 2 hours a year) for the last decade of DMs life which really upset DM. DSis said it upset her too much to see how frail DM had become, although she would still ask her for money. I very much resented that DMs care and admin fell to me when I had ND DCs and a sick DH to care for as well as working fulltime. We argued shortly before DM died and I can't move past her behaviour. All trust has gone.

My mother missed that memo and played us off against each other (still does). We hated each other growing up but some get on better now (those of us that have seen just how poisonous our mother is).

My dc get on well and all have very different relationships with each other. As adults they don’t often stay in touch but get on when they do. They are all there for each other when needed. They are very different people.

I listened to a really interesting programme about this on Radio 4 years ago. Researchers had carried out a study, from early childhood into adulthood. They said there were three important things:

Level of organisation in family, eg routine and predictability. More stable day to family life is - eg eating dinner at same time each night - more likely siblings will get on.

Favouritism, or perception of favouritism was present in almost all poor sibling relationships.

Relationship between parents reflected how well siblings got on.

I'm really close to both of my siblings and always was growing up. I'd say I had a great childhood thankfully. DH gets on with his sisters, but they absolutely detest each other. I mean like disgusting arguments and physical altercations on occasion despite them being adults with children themselves. They're vile. Different personalities so they clash. But imo my MIL has had a huge part to play in them hating each other. She loves gossip and stirring the pot. DH seems to think she was involved a lot in their arguments as children/teens and she has a clear favourite. Favourite has always got her way and also very manipulative. I get on best with the 'least favourite' one but try to avoid them both as much as possible tbh.
Baffling to me, I hope my children get on.

My brother is a perfectly nice person, we just have pretty much nothing in common. Different personality types, different job sectors, different interests, different friends, etc. When we see each other, it's fine, we just don't have much to talk about.

My sister has always been my best friend, right grom when we were tiny children to now in our late 30s.

We aren't at all similar people though. I think it's because we are only 2 years apart, both female and there are no additional siblings. So we were natural playmates. And we did have the same interests and hobbies as children. Some are still the same now but she's changed more than me.

Plus our parents brought us up in quite an old fashioned way which made us quite different to a lot of our friends so maybe we stuck together more than we would have otherwise as children.

So, just from my experience, close in age, same gender and just 2 children is your best chance. But it's no guarantee, of course. I don't have children to test that theory on.

I agree it comes down to personality. Just because you share genes it does not mean you share anything else. My parents are both one of four. Dh one of four. Me one of two. Dh mother one of 7 and his dad one of 11. So of 32 sibling relationships in my immediate family my dad talk to none. My mother talks to 2 but it is fraught. I cannot bear my sister. Dh talks to 1. Mil talked to1 and fil talked to 1. I think it is stupid when I hear people say they have to have more than 1 for so no long relationships. My experience is that they are fragile and burdensome

My two boys have a three year gap and have been best friends since the younger one could walk. What helps is personality: my older boy is quite young for his age (he’s 10) as we have tried hard to let him keep up with his peers in some ways, but also ensure he doesn’t grow up too fast, and my younger boy is very, very bright so manages to keep up with his older brother in terms of humour and conversation. They find the same things funny and are rarely apart - so much so that we often have to physically separate them as they’ve got too silly and lost the plot (when they should be getting dressed etc). My older boy has begun pulling away slightly (he’s in Year 6) wanting more independence but we’re encouraging this whilst also giving them lots of opportunities still to be together. It’s working so far.

To the poster who said we all have favourites - I genuinely don’t, and neither does my husband. I think my two are both the best people ever individually and as a pair, and they both have their own brilliant qualities and flaws.

I am one of 5. I get on well with my brothers but never have with my sister (5 years older than me).
She has always bullied me and finally cut contact with me after my daughters funeral, as she disagreed with how we organised the day. We took guidance from from how my grandson wanted the day to be.

Quite honestly I feel a sense of peace that I no longer have to deal with her. Interestingly my best friend from childhood has no contact with her sister either but we have been close friends for 50 years. I am so pleased that my children are very close.

I have one sibling, 4 years younger than me. We weren’t close growing up as nothing much in common. He moved away from
home at 17 and settled where he was working so he lives several hours away. Probably see each other once or twice a year when he visits my parents. Get on ok when we do but we aren’t close. My parents visit them a fair bit to see the GC

The are so many reasons. It may be due to upbringing, incompatible personalities (of both or either sibling), lack of interest, trauma and mental illness etc.

I used to be very close to my little sister (she’s about 10 years younger). But we have very little in common, hardly any shared interests and are very different people. Which makes maintaining a relationship difficult.

there’s also the issue of me being put in the position of having to mother her / being treated as a second parent. Which definitely didn’t foster a “normal” sibling relationship.

All the close siblings I know grew up w/parents who encouraged cooperation and a vision of the future being more important than their current squabbles. So if you have another child I’d suggest you help them work thru the normal childhood fighting by reminding them that one day you and their father will be gone and they will want each other in their lives.

I’m estranged from my siblings bc my adoptive mother pitted us against each other and told her biological children that blood was thicker than water etc. That put so much division between us it’s carried over into adulthood unfortunately.

So if you want your children to have good adult relationships encourage that while they’re young, strive to be fair overall, don’t plant seeds of division, tell them and model that a sibling relationship is for life and how much it adds to happiness.

I was not the golden child, we no longer have any kind of relationship.

In my case, it turned out that upon our parents' deaths, I was expected to fill the void in terms of organising my sibling's life, doing jobs, taking care of anything demanded of me.

Fucking no.

I think a lot of it is luck.

But I do think that parents can improve or hinder sibling relationships.
These are some things that I have seen which I think don't help:

Insisting on sharing toys which actually belong to one child.
One child breaking the other child's things and it not being taken seriously.
Expecting to do everything the same, or together.
Not intervening when kids ganged up on one child.
Allowing one child to be the favourite
Allowing one child to get away with blaming the other(s)
Not allowing space and time for each child to get parents attention.
Lack of space, so 3 kids squashed in one room.
Lack of attention, time, love etc.
Comparing one child to the other

If you allow kids to have their own personalities, likes and dislikes and opinions, and insist that everyone has that right and needs to respect each other, it goes and long way towards calming sibling rivalry

This is interesting. Always got on best with my brother who is five years younger. Then he married my sister in law …🫤

What a liberty!

I've got one sibling, a sister. We're not at all close. This isn't due to falling out as adults, it's a hangover from being bullied by her during my whole childhood. I spoke to DM about it recently, and she had no idea as to the extent of it.

I don't know how you'd describe her personality, but there's no warmth there. We don't live in the same country, so I rarely see her.

Maybe if DM had been more conscious/vigilante, things might be better now.

I’m a lot closer to my childhood friends than my brother

Same for me and my brother. He (and his partner) are just evil. I'm NC with them both. Best thing I did.

But I think his malevolence toward me is all down to jealousy. I had kids, he didn't. I trained in a profession and earned a higher salary, he didn't. I married and settled with the love of my life and he didn't. But somehow all that is my fault...🤷‍♀️

There's six years between me and my sibling. We're very different, different personalities, different interests, different outlook on life, different aspirations. We've literally nothing in common. We were constantly pushed together by our parents when we were growing up, we never "fell out" or argued, but we just basically tolerated each other when we had to. As soon as we left home, contact disappeared. Now 40 years later, we just post birthday and christmas cards, not seen each other in person for five years or more, maybe one random phone call each year. Just because you're blood relatives doesn't mean you have to get on or have things in common. I think our parents pushing us together in childhood and forcing us to do things we didn't want to do probably caused us to lose interest in each other. Parents were both "only" children and seemed obsessed with their "lonely" childhoods, so probably over-compensated and forced us together more than was healthy.

How could there possibly be any way of predicting this? Personalities, circumstances… it’s just luck if you get a sibling you are good friends with.

I don't get on brilliantly with my sister. She was horrible growing up and on one occasion pinned me against the wall and screamed in my face because I was planning on moving countries with my ex-boyfriend.

I have gone through phases of NC but have decided the best way forward is to just keep at arms length. I don't mind seeing her for short periods. Ultimately, she's not my problem anymore. I worry about my niece and nephew and brother-in-law a bit but ultimately it's his choice to stay with her, especially now that he knows what she's like (I'm sure I was always the villain in her story before they were married).

See, I would say the dead opposite. 5 years between me and my sister and we didn't share the same world. I was an annoyance, too young to do the things she did. She was dismissive and not interested in me, naturally, when she was a young teen. We were out of step. Get on great now as adults, though. Whereas friends with 2 year gaps were more on the same page and built closer bonds when younger. Also less of a tendency for parents to leave the older one in a babysitting role, which I know strained my relationship with my sibling.