To wonder why some siblings don’t get on

[theprincessthepea]

I’m one of two. I hated having a sibling growing up, mainly because I had to take care of them.

Now as adults we get on very very well and I’d say they are one of my closest friends.

My DD HATES being an only child and begs me for a sibling. Now I’m expecting I’m thinking to myself that there is no guarantee they will get on.

I have friends that are super close to sibling(s) and friends that have fallen out with their families for various reasons.

I always wondered if there was a “formula” to being close with family? What makes you so close to your sibling/s?

AIBU to think that as a mum I have a duty to create experiences that “make” them close?

It's overly simplistic to blame 'bad parenting' in all cases. Of course there will be some parents whose behaviour drives a wedge between siblings, but people also change as they get older and dynamics in relationships can shift.

I have a friend who has gone low contact with her sister because she started believing loads of batshit online conspiracy theories and its all she talks about now. I know other people whose relationships with siblings have soured because they've disapproved of their choice of partner or lifestyle, because they've fallen out over money, or because there's resentment about how the burden of caring for elderly parents is shared.

I think one of the hardest things about parenting is accepting that whatever we do, however much time and energy we invest in our kids, we will have less and less influence over how their lives pan out as they get older. Parents can of course play a role in encouraging siblings to get along as children, but once they become adults there's no guarantees.

We are a very close family. Me and brother get on very well. Neither of us speak to our sister (whos the eldest) She bullied us both relentlessly growing up. Violence, name calling and just very controlling. We continued all being close into adulthood, but she never really changed. She had to be the centre of attention and if she wasn't she'd cause hell. She'd ruin so many family events by kicking off. She'd say the worst things imaginable to all of us, parents included. Then expect everything to be back to normal the next day. We had enough after one big blowout from her, so we went NC. Life is better without her and we all have a lovely time together.

Parenting, personality and birth trauma.
I have quite a few friends who are from same sex siblings and am a bit shocked at the way one is almost always treated like the spare.
Mums who had little control over decision making during pregnancy/birth/postnatal seem to describe their children as the problem rather than their environment. They were hard work compared to the second one etc. 'Clingy' instead of understanding that it's a biological built in response for their child to be protected by their mums rather than had them off to others.

My Sister and I haven't spoken in 25 years. We were never close, mainly because my mother was so vile and used to tell me how much better my sister was than me. She spoiled my sister and she's now a thoroughly self important cow who at heart 40 is twice married having an affair on new husband who she cheated on ex-husband with and has two children who she isn't 100% sure of the father of.

I found out she was only my half sister when I was 25 and I wasn't shocked at all. We are nothing alike at all and I'm happy for it.

My brother sees me through my mother's lens. Ie, I have no right to a perception of them/her, no right to set a boundary as that is "nasty". I don't hate my brother but he's ludicrously enmeshed with our parents. I'm the scapegoat.
They all slag me off. I'm too sensitive, I'm paranoid, I'm difficult blah blah blah. I am still in touch with my brother. Not my parents.

My brother is also an arsehole , actually just like my late mother driven by cash and control
my father bless him was a bloody hero
having had nothing to do with my brother for
a long time
I have just heard he’s been boasting about ripping me off re my fathers will ( I knew but let it go)
its fraud and I have today decided to fight for what was meant to be mine and my daughters
Blood is not thicker than water
some siblings are just not the same ,
just horrible but it’s a thing

I'm not particularly close with any of my 3 sisters. I am the eldest at 30.

The next sister down is 25 and she is the complete opposite of me personality wise so I can only deal with her in very small doses or she grates on me.

My youngest two are 19 and 16 so the age gap was always a factor growing up as the two of them are very close.

My mum also had more children than she could provide for. Me and the 25 year old were full sisters, then after my dad died, my mum remarried and had the two youngest. Due to having a 3 bedroom house, I was turfed out to live with my grandparents at 13 years old so never bonded as well with the youngest two.

The rest of my sisters all have a lovely bond and go out for lunch/coffee together but I dont have that.

We are all going away on holiday together in April though to try and have some time together.

Myself and my brother don't tend to get on (better now we're older). Ours is due to the fact our mum played us off against each other and had a very obvious favourite. It ruined our relationship.

I don't get on with my brother. He's 18 months younger so he got compared to me all the way through school.
He was a horrible teenager and a bully to us all. We're 50's now and I haven't seen him in over two years, and very minimally before that.
You don't get rewarded with a sibling relationship for what he put us through. Even now.

On the surface of it my brother and I have very little in common BUT our relationship goes way deeper than that. I've written on another thread that my brother is my go-to if my car breaks down BECAUSE he knows all about cars whilst I don't. I turn to him because I trust him totally and know he always has my best interests at heart because I'm his sister.

Likewise he knows that he can trust me totally.

We are different personalities but we have the same values as that is what our parents gave us. Our parents were scrupulously fair, they encouraged us to be respectful to each other, they prioritised time as a family and they saw us as two individuals. I think it possibly also helped that we were not the same gender/sex as this reduced to potential for rivalry.

I think there is also an element of luck in that we live quite close to each other and get on with each other's spouses. Although even then there was an element of agency in us choosing to live close by, and I for one wouldn't have been so keen on DH if my brother hadn't approved of him 😂

I think sometimes it is parenting, dh had a tough time but his sister was the golden child so where he was struggling he could see her being supported.

I also think there is examples and expectation, my mum got on well with her siblings even when living far away- (her siblings used to ring her to find out what was going on even though she was 200 miles away).
My sisters and I have a good relationship not in each others pockets but there if needed.

I was no kind of brilliant mother by any stretch, but I did all these things right. And yet my two children dont talk to each other at all. And they are 19 months apart.

My sil had 5 children from super close together (like 9 months apart, no I'm not kidding) to the last one being 20 years younger than the next. And they all live close ish, within 45 miles and they arrange parties and get togethers and dont ever miss their mums birthday. She was piss poor for the first 4 children too, and was a lot better off with the last. I like her so I dont want to be mean about her but the first 4 were left to bring themselves up. There are reasons for this but it's too long for this thread and it was a different time.

So as far as I can see, it's down to anything but parenting. Or maybe I really am just a totally shit mum.

Looking at my family and my children and other families I think it mainly just depends on their personalities more than anything else. I find self centred types often end up quite distanced from their siblings as jealousy etc ends up getting in the way. Sibling relationships also change over time. I did read once however that there was some research that said the more organised a household was the less sibling issues there were, which I suppose can kind of understand as e.g. if your workplace is disorganised generally and unclear inconsistent rules then it’s likely to lead to lots of petty squabbles between colleagues

Just completely different people in my case. Like different things etc. nothing against them just nothing in common but our dna.

I'm NC with my brother after he "borrowed" 13 grand which was my dad's redundancy on debt,Inc a trip to NYC and never paid it back,then asked for £300 on my dad's deathbed, upsetting him. They're also pestering my mum for money,giving her a sob story. She's fallen for it but I'm out of it. Mum doesn't tell me anything anymore.

Treat them the same
Try not to take sides in arguments
Let's then sort out disputes among themselves as far as possible.
Work on building up both their self esteem
Praise each for particular skills or achievements
Arguments get solved without recourse to physical lashing out.

Those things help, I think.

Super interesting. Although it hasn’t been mentioned as much as other points but it feels like shared values play a massive role. Particularly if you don’t have the most compatible personalities but make the decision to value family so you make the effort to attend or plan family gatherings etc.

The point about parenting is interesting. I think personality plays a massive role but sometimes I wonder when there is a clash in personality with parent and child (even if the parent is doing their best) that can cause internal issues and often one family member might act out.

Example - A friend of mine comes from a family with 3 siblings and despite the mum trying to be fair, the middle sister pulled herself away from the family due to not feeling “seen” or “heard” and being significantly different personality wise from the rest of them.

I was the same in my family - I was always the quietest and the least understood and that led to lots of conflicts.

So then I wonder how much effort we as parents have to make to truly understand our children’s personalities so that they feel secure.

But some of that is modern parenting. We're far more aware of how important it is for children to feel secure, what that involves, to take their personalities into account (eg what works for one won't work for another) and to know them properly inside out than to expect them to be seen and not heard, which is how I was brought up.

I don't think it would have occurred to my parents to even think about this stuff.

Nothing to do with mums. My mum raised the 3 of us really well but my big sister has always been awful to me and my little sister and we are really speaking anymore

I'm the middle one of three girls.
My older dsis is 12 years older than me.
I'm much closer to my younger dsis (5yrs).
Older one tends to have a snotty attitude and can be quite embarrassing at times. I must be going through a miserable faize at the moment because all I can think is the horrible things she's said to me. All on the past I know..but I'm like a bloody elephant,,, I don't forget

Siblings are just people. Some people don't get on. Being biologically related makes no difference. It's really not a big deal.
.

To answer your question OP I think you can support it but not ensure it through family activities. I'm not close with my sibling (but don't dislike them) because we have wildly different personalities, values etc. People often comment on how different we are. But, I don't massively remember many family activities where I spent time with him - it was generally me with my mum, him with my dad, and i don't really remember chatting over dinner with my family etc.
Make your own decision on whether you want another child, but it's not a guaranteed way to give your child a lifelong friend. Can you try to support her in making other friendships? I know people who are closer to their cousins or the children of their parents' best friends than they are to their own siblings

Unpopular opinion here but I absolutely hated being an only child as a child and hate it now as an adult. No money ever makes it better. As much as parents will try and tell you they are wrong, most of the stereotypes are true. I'm sure if my eldest was an only child I'd have much more bragging power about her achievements. She'd be a much worse person though.

Same with my parents who both sadly died within 6 months of each other last year.

On the day my mother died (first) the first thing my sister said was "Well she obviously loved you more than anyone!"