To wonder why some siblings don’t get on

[theprincessthepea]

I’m one of two. I hated having a sibling growing up, mainly because I had to take care of them.

Now as adults we get on very very well and I’d say they are one of my closest friends.

My DD HATES being an only child and begs me for a sibling. Now I’m expecting I’m thinking to myself that there is no guarantee they will get on.

I have friends that are super close to sibling(s) and friends that have fallen out with their families for various reasons.

I always wondered if there was a “formula” to being close with family? What makes you so close to your sibling/s?

AIBU to think that as a mum I have a duty to create experiences that “make” them close?

I don't think children are more likely to get on well with siblings than with any other random kids they happen to be thrown together with.

I have 2 siblings. We just very different. Think sometimes not much in common if your kids much older than theirs so different stages too. Families are hard work at times

My brother and I are 5.5 years apart in age and have never been close but got on ok until I hit my teens then I became very scared of him and couldn't be in the same room as him. Luckily he moved out. We didn't speak for a few years. When our mum died suddenly we started to have a good relationship that's lasted ever since though we are opposites and I only see him a few times a year. We message each other most days though. He was a very difficult child that caused lots of problems in the household and I was seen as the golden child in comparison

Bad parenting.

Siblings might not have an incredible connection, but when they can't even rub along together, it's because of bad parenting. Since nobody wants to admit they're a bad parent, and a lot don't want to accept having bad parents, they will usually blame each other or one child in particular and claim it would all be fabulous if this child weren't so completely inexplicably awful, but the truth is: bad parenting.

There are 9 and 6 years difference between me and my brothers. They were very much Batman and Robin as young children. Whatever deeds Batman did, Robin would follow his lead. I was the very much unwanted little sister, and they both punished me for it.

Having a good sibling relationships is down to personalities and luck I think. Less to do with parenting, all 3 of us had the same parenting, but my brothers are very close, I am still treated as unwanted by them both.

My only sibling is three years younger and started competing with me as a toddler: more sweets, more attention, you name it. They haven't changed, but the difference is that I now can't be arsed with it. I don't want to hear about the mountains they've climbed, their successful career, whatever. I've climbed my own mountains. We are lc and judging by our most recent communication they're offended that I'm not interested in having any contact with them.

Tough.

You cant create scenarios to make your kids get on. I have a by and a girl, 3 years between them. We have always done everything together and are a relatively happy family but they just do not get on. I'd go so far as to say they have a huge dislike for each other. I never got on with my brother as a kid but now we're ok. Kid fight for attention and that attention was wanted whether good or bad with my two! If anyone find the magic spell, please let me know.

I don't get on with my sibling. My parents made fun of me a lot and my sister was encouraged to join in. I could have (and did) forgive this as she was a victim like me. But in adulthood she would still be nasty. I have no time for her now. It works well as she has to be nice if she wants to see me and y family (she has no family of her own)

My dds got on great when they were little but as they got older the eldest really resented the younger one. Younger has adhd and is quite full on, turns out elder dd did not enjoy growing up in her shadow and because she never said or even showed it I never knew.

Now they are adults they are ok but don't really spend much time together

I'm not going to name names but looking through the thread, I can already see it: children being blamed for the long-term, bad adult relationship due to incidents that happened when they were far, far too young to be held accountable for it. People also seem to hold on to childhood dynamics and perceptions no matter how old they get.

It's too ingrained to change, but yeah. Bad parenting and nobody accepting, admitting or realising that it's bad parenting.

Not sure you can make them close or that we can make that a duty, but I think we can do things that help or hinder the relationship.

My four kids have very conflicting personalities, but get on very well most of the time, while my siblings and I were pretty similar, but haven't seen each other in over 20 years and were distant as kids.

My siblings and I didn't get on because from a young age we were discouraged from doing so. We were frequently put into competition with each other and adults laughed encouragingly if we belittled each other, we were compared a lot, we were put into a lot of separate activities, and for my younger sister and I, I was basically made responsible for her from when I was about 5-6, and I was also responsible for her friends regularly, and both put her and I at odds. When we did get on, we'd often be scolded for being too loud and separated. My parents prioritised apperances and performance far above relationships, which made things very tense and and when we got older/self-sufficient, they basically gave up and the motto was 'do what you want as long as it doesn't bother us', and because we had no foundation together, we went different very quiet ways. We were also discouraged early from being in the house, so as teens we were generally only home with friends without adults or our siblings around.

I've tried to do the opposite with mine - I priortise the family relationships and activities that can be done together. When they were little, I was strict on how they talked to and about each other - didn't even let them call each other stupid. I'm very clear they're distinct individuals with different strengths and likes, but that we can still find ways to enjoy things together. While my older kids may be asked to do nice things for the younger ones, I didn't make them responsible until the younger ones were self sufficient and the older ones were asking things like 'Can I take him to the park', and still absolutely never responsible for their siblings' friends, not even now my oldest is an adult. My oldest is 19, my youngest 12, and they share hobbies. Our home is fairly open to friends, and they have a general attitude now of 'of course my siblings can be involved'.

My oldest has had times withdrawn away from the younger three - I think COVID hit him the hardest and he fell into a lot of computer use once it became his main education and social method & he has difficulties with communication that can make things harder for him - but we've working on that together, and he's seen he's much happier when he had family time along with his personal time.

Yeah, part of it is chance, but I do think there are ways that encourage good relationships - or at least, don't wedge siblings apart.

@NonPlayerCharacter it's not down to bad parenting.

My kids have disliked each other for years. My daughter took one look at my son in his crib when he was born and immediately disliked him. She always tried to get him into trouble. This is not down to bad parenting in any what at all. To suggest it is is a kick in the teeth to parents who are doing their best.

I had a wonderful childhood and a great upbringing but fought like cat and dog with my brother. Nothing to do with bad parenting.

My brother is a complete bellend sometimes.
I still love him as a big sister does.

Factors I believe caused him to go low contact with me:
Different life paths
A wife that doesn't like me
Other family members causing trouble (narcissistic behaviours generational)
Dysfunction within the family
Jealousy (linked to fertility struggles)
Personality clashes

I've noticed friends who have more than one child seem to spend a lot of time refereeing squabbles, teaching the kids how to get on, how to share, how to say sorry and come back together again. Trying their hardest to be fair, treat them equally etc.

I have a sibling but my parents (both only children) never did this as they thought I should be really grateful to be provided with a sibling and that's all that was necessary. Sibling is v close to me in age and we were in relentless competition the whole time.

Sibling was a complete pain as a child and now we're both adults we see each other/speak maybe once or twice a year. For some reason parents still think we're going to 'work together' to care for them in old age!

My sister was messaging my bf to try to sleep with him so we no longer speak and I don't get on with my brothers wife so we don't speak. We all got on fine as kids, just average normal siblings so I don't think there is anything you can do as a parent its just how it works out.

I’m 1 of 4. I’m very close to my brother (I’m the eldest and he was next) and none of the other siblings speak at all. The youngest 2 speak to our parents but not each other and my brother and I have nothing to do with any of them. Completely dysfunctional and toxic. My own children are close and so are my brothers. We have worked very hard to give them all the childhood we didn’t get. Who knows if their closeness will last into adulthood. We gave them a good foundation so up to them now.

See?

Me and my brother aren’t very close, we aren’t no contact but we only we see each other if my parents invite us all round. We live in the same town as well but don’t go out of our way to see eachother.

I’ve recently started seeing a Psychologist and I’ve explained about our relationship because he used to bully me as a child to the extent it still impacts my confidence today. My psychologist has said that me and my brother were never set up by our parents to be close they set us up to be competitive between us and put us down for traits that we didn’t have for example:

• I was naturally good at science and maths but my brother was good at languages and history but in our family science and maths is KING so I “won” at that
• My brother has always been very chatty and peopley I’m much more shy… my brother “won” at that because he was more sociable
• My brother always liked politics and at the kitchen table could contribute to all the discussions even from a really young age… I was always told I wasn’t well rounded… so my brother “won” at that

It makes sense what my psychologist has said. And it has set myself up for me and my brother not being close because we always had a competitive relationship not a supportive one.

My sibling will never help my parents in their old age, he’s a taker, he’s my mums favourite. When I’ve had issues with parents and asked him to help he makes it painfully clear he wants no involvement.

I’ve given up on the taker, they used to come to dinner on Christmas Eve and one year he and his child finished the WHOLE ham. Sheer Greed. No ham for the rest of Christmas. He doesn’t want to do Christmas presents anymore as he find it too much trouble. Initially I was annoyed but actually it now suits me.

we are worlds apart but live twenty minutes from each other. My parents have seen the light recently but that just means I get them at all high days and holidays but I’m fine with that.

I disagree. My mum was a brilliant mum but my brother took after my dad and would have been an arsehole no matter how he had been parented. I couldn't stand him.
Also siblings with terrible parents can be very close because of it.

I don’t get on with my brother. But, no dramas. He’s got his life, I’ve got mine and we just jog on.

luck and personality, you can’t force it, my mother did try and it just made me resent them more, I had just nothing in common with my sisters.

I love my brother and my sister but the relationships feel challenging at times, and the two of them don't always get on, whereas on the whole I have a decent relationship with both. Fundamentally we do appreciate the good in each other. My mum was very close to her siblings (in theory at least) and I think it perhaps didn't occur to her that those relationships need nurturing.

Ds is an only and to be honest I feel a bit relieved I haven't had to do that bit of parenting. Ds is convinced I always take his friends' part in any conflict and I think he's right. I dont think I would be good at raising siblings.

Personality. Life choices and interests. Closeness in age makes no difference in my opinion.

But of course I can only go by the families I know best, including my own.

Also siblings with terrible parents can be very close because of it.

that “closeness” is not sustainable in adulthood in my experience (and from what I have witnessed in other cases).

although the term terrible parents isn’t quite appropriate. Severely traumatised mother trying her best would be better in regard to my childhood experiences.

I don't get on with my brother, he's a very angry man and mostly hates everyone. Blames everyone for his lot in life and his way is THE ONLY WAY.

It didn't help that our mother played one off against the other, she was partly to blame there but he refused to see through it.

I don't think it's responsibility of a mother to ensure siblings get but wedging micro aggressions into already strained relationship doesn't help. Some children are wildly different. Having said that I would be devastated if my children fell out permanently. My best friend has three brothers and gets on with all of them and their wives ...... I am envious.