To wonder why some siblings don’t get on

[theprincessthepea]

I’m one of two. I hated having a sibling growing up, mainly because I had to take care of them.

Now as adults we get on very very well and I’d say they are one of my closest friends.

My DD HATES being an only child and begs me for a sibling. Now I’m expecting I’m thinking to myself that there is no guarantee they will get on.

I have friends that are super close to sibling(s) and friends that have fallen out with their families for various reasons.

I always wondered if there was a “formula” to being close with family? What makes you so close to your sibling/s?

AIBU to think that as a mum I have a duty to create experiences that “make” them close?

My older sister was and still is cruel. She finds joy from hurting and humiliating others. My mum creating bonding experiences wouldn't have helped. I'd say the most important thing is to keep a watchful eye and make sure if one child needs protecting from the other, that they are protected.

It depends on how your siblings turn out.

I was very close to my brother when we were kids (18 months age difference).

As a teenager and young adult he became really cruel and spiteful towards me. He's probably one of the most evil people I have ever met.

I had to go NC for my own sanity.

Not everyone is blessed with good, wholesome adult siblings.

I’m the eldest & wasn’t especially interested in either of my siblings growing up. I definitely wouldn’t have appreciated our parents trying to create any kind of bonding experiences.

Nowadays my brother (2 years younger) & I get on fine when we see each other but have very little in common. My sister (4 years younger) & I started getting on when I left for uni & are really close now.

Assuming there’s not something shitty going on, as some PPs have mentioned, I think it’s just something that does or doesn’t happen and trying to force it is counterproductive.

Different views on life and different treatment. My parents have never done anything with their lives, are rascist, small minded and cheated the benefit system. I went to uni and set up a business and it was very much "who do you think you are?" Sister is just like them, and they all turned their noses up at me for choosing a better lifestyle.

I have a boy and girl, 3 years apart. Birth to around 9, they played together all the time, DS adored and looked up to his big sister.

DD went to secondary and they turned into completely different people and they fought horrendously for a good 4-5 years.

Now at 15/17 they are still very different and still argue, but also seem to find shared interests, sometimes very shallow things like a funny YouTube video, and like to spend time together despite being different. Things like one being on noisy video games and one liking to read, instead of now fighting over it, they've just grown into being tolerant and respectful of it.

They're out for lunch together as we speak.

I'm 3 years younger than my eldest sibling and 18 months older than my youngest. None of us really played together as kids as (other than being family), we had nothing in common and all had different friendship groups. As adults we meet up rarely.

Luck, personalities & parenting all play a part. As a parent you will probably have a favourite- try not to make it blindingly obvious that you clearly believe one sibling is better than the other. Or give one preferential treat due to their sex. I had this growing up & still resent my sibling (maybe unfairly) but it is hard to forget.

Why would you expect all siblings to get on?

They're not people you choose to have a relationship, it's like expecting you to get on with every single person you work with.

It’s like any relationship/friendship - some people gel, others don’t.

I’m from a large family and whilst I get on with all my siblings and love them dearly - I’m definitely closer to some more than others.
The ones I’m closer to - we have a similar sense of humour & have a laugh together, we like doing the same things, we’re quite similar temperament wise & we make an effort to see one another so it’s not one sided. They are my best pals.

Relationships also change as time goes on - I wasn’t that close to one of my brothers growing up, but now we’re super close. We’ve been on holiday with our partners together a few times & see each other regularly.

Interesting topic, OP. I think personalities will obviously play a part but also think that other factors such as closeness in age, cultural norms, family values and the wider relationships modelled by primary caregivers will also play a significant role.

Personality in my case. I left and was independent, sister stayed close by and was basically looked after. She completely depended on my parents for financial an emotional support. Mainly financial.

I had a family and marriage, she did not and is now looking after my Mum. She is, unfortunately, incredibly bitter and resentful towards me. We dislike each other.

In my case there were a few factors:

• large age gap which meant my older sibling had years of being an only and the centre of attention. My (planned) arrival put her nose out of joint and led to major jealousy issues

• our father's death when I was young enough for it to (supposedly) not affect me meant her feelings were put above mine, and she expected to be treated thus ever after

• by the time I was an adult this hierarchy was so ingrained there was no way my mother could ever treat me on a par with sibling as the fallout would have been immense. Thus relationship with mother has broken down.

I think it's a number things.

Personally which you can't do anything about.

How you treat them as children, my parents always made sure we where treated as equally as possible so we had no reason to resent each other.

I get on reasonably well with my sister, we had the odd difference of opinion but nothing really major. My husband has no relationship with his sister, they have nothing in common and his parents did and have to this day treated them very differently.

Oh and the treatment of me and my sister has stayed the same as adults. If my dad does something for her he'll do the equivalent for me to there has never been any favourite. I think it helps a lot.

Personalities, and, in my case, parents playing us off against each other.

My narc mother made it very clear she preferred her docile older daugther to the slighly rebellious person I was. She told me I looked and acted like my father (who I know she despised, and made that very clear). My sister lapped up the bullshit she spouted.

We ended up two very different people. My sister does my mother's bidding, and, in return, gets her "love". I not only separated, but dared to get in contact with my father and went NC with my mother, which brought on the hatred of the rest of my immediate family.

I was never loved by my mother and that was imitated by my sister. So we don't get on.

Agree with PP, Parenting first, personality a very close 2nd.

DM was eager for me and DB to be close and we were and still are.

I married DH where the only bond he and my SIL had was purely survival-based as they had a horrid upbringing. We all see each other (few times per year) and DH & DSIL behave as casual friends/acquaintances but due to both sides now having children it's a lovely bridge which is slowly being built to mutual respect, friendship and understanding.

My mum played my sister and I off against each other to gain an advantage herself. It suited her to have us fighting and for her to side with one of us to have an enemy.

I remember thinking as a child oh likes me better again, I wonder for how long. It was obvious when she was on my sisters side and I was ostracised.

She also treated is different and held us to different standards. I had to be the easy one as my sister was such a nightmare.

As adults all we do is fight, have vicious arguments and try and get one over on each other. It's a life long pattern.

It's just personalities and luck. Just because you share similar dna doesn't mean you're going to get on. Just as you don't get on with everyone you know. A sibling isn't a guaranteed friend

Like others have said there is literally no formula to it as it depends on your personalities and how your parents treated you. My brother and I were always treated scrupulously equally and although we didn’t really get on at children that much, as adults we live close to each other and get on well. But then again we were brother and sister and so never had any competition between us. I know lots of same sex siblings who were intensely competitive regarding who was the most successful. I’ve also known sisters who don’t get on because one was more beautiful and got more attention. I know others that don’t get on as they were resentful as the parents couldn’t afford to have any more children and they felt that they could have had a better childhood if their parents had prioritised the children they had. But then I know others who are super close. So much goes into the mix that you can’t really predict it.

This is exactly the situation with me and my siblings

As the eldest of a large, badly nourished, poorly parented and mostly feral brood I had to take so much care of them, i loathed it.

As adults, they are still badly nourished, traumatised, poorly educated and requiring so much care and support, alongside my now aging parents as well.

Me and DH consider it a gift to our single ds that he has no siblings to take over his life.

My DH has 2 siblings and as the youngest he still manages to be responsible for their fuck how in life. He's nothing in common with them. The same parents does not guarantee the same children.

I think it's largely down to parenting. I'm the eldest of four and my parents worked hard to ensure we got along when we were little. They gave us all lots of attention and were always pretty present and good at supporting us when we didn't get along. We're all in our 30s now and we still get along really well even though we live in different parts of the world.

I don't speak to my sister at all now, long story. I get on with my two brothers but there is a massive age gap (9 years between both my older and younger half brother) and there are 12 years between my sister and I. The age gap has a big impact I think as I didn't really grow up with any of them.

I am the eldest of three sisters. I HATED them both growing up likely due to a 7 year age gap between me and the next sister. I love them both dearly now but we have complex relationships which aren’t always easy. I sometimes feel a bit like a second mum and it can be tiring.
My parents are great, I’m not sure they could have done much differently, but I was a bit of a “golden child” academically and I think that caused a feeling of competition which sometimes festers even though we’re grown up. We all did the same extra curricular activities as well, so perhaps if we’d been offered a wider variety we may all have found our own “thing” as it were. It put me off having more than 1 female child because we’ve been really nasty to each other at times. I’m sure boys can be the same but it was my experience and I often wonder if it would have been different if one was a brother. Luckily our first was a boy and we only want two so that won’t likely happen!

It’s hard to guess though, my husband and his brother are best friends and always have been and they’re upbringing was very similar to ours.

Parenting, personalities, environments and age gaps.

Too many parents swear up and down that they raised their children the same but many don’t. People change as they age and due to different circumstances so the parents one sibling had isn’t necessarily the same another has.

Parents were both working parents and father was around more when I was growing up. When my mother was home, I rather she was at work. She was always quite negative and the first thing usually out of her mouth was a complaint or an order. I was constantly dismissed, called weak, a cow, too nice, selfish, too nonchalant, negative comments about my body, my facial features (different from hers), and many of the things I liked or enjoyed. By time, she was around more I was in secondary while my sister was in primary and it had only gotten worse.

My sister and I are 6/7 years apart. My mother heavily favours my sister and they are very much alike. Anyone could say something nice about me and she would be uncomfortable, but if it was my sister, she would agree and praise her. This also led to my sister joining in with my mother, getting away with more and knowing she would, and all around negative behaviour from her towards me to the point she would get me in trouble because she could. My father was usually in my corner pointing out that she treated me differently and then it would cause an argument, but with my sister and I, it was just sibling stuff and I’m the oldest so had to lead by example, yet when she would instigate an issue, we would both be told off instead of just her. I don’t think we became somewhat cordial until after I had my first child so 29, her 22/23.

We talk maybe 2 times a year despite my dad wanting us to talk more and trying for years (should be happy we are talking at all), but when it comes down to it, if we weren’t family, we would likely never have met and if we did, doubtful we would have been more than mere acquaintances if that.

I’m very close to my sister. The reasons I believe this to be are:

1. There is only a 13 month age gap so we grew up doing everything together throughout our childhood and our Teen years. We had the same group of friends, the same hobbies etc and we were always together.

2. Our parents divorced when we were 5 and 6, and our mother was terrifying. We were both pretty scared of her, she wasn’t particularly nice to us, and so we just clung on to each other.

Me and my sister are worlds apart in terms of our personalities and how our lives have turned out, but she’s still my best friend. We have our own little bubble ❤️