Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

[Jellyb39]

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

I am a single parent getting UC, which will stop when DS turns 18. I can't afford to fund another adult. As it is he plans to go to uni, so he will have a student loan.

Imagine being 20 years old and still expecting your parents to drive you to and from work! Embarrassing.

OP,

I think the second paragraph of@Lemonyfuckit ’s post above (at 12.05) is very wise. These are tough times, and you haven’t mentioned any kind of career path or long term plan for your DC. As with their reluctance to apply for UC, they could be feeling negative emotions around this and I agree with lemony that they might welcome your support.

You sound loving, but my experience with young people is that often parents believe they are showing support but the YP aren’t hearing it.

I’m making what up?? Please see below for what OP said that I got this from.
I’m saying 1 month of no rent/lodge when he is on a zero contract is the nice mom/dad thing to do. I would gladly go without luxuries for my kid to have a break for a month. Although I wouldn’t have changed my kid rent/lodge in the first place.

From OP:
DH and I both have a full time wage but have had a rough year with old debts been taken directly from wages,

Oh - sidenote regarding rent/lodge. In a few months when we are back to having a good disposable income and no longer juggling, the money paid by Dc will be (unbeknown to them) put in a savings pot for them for when they want to move home.

someone up thread mentioned fulltime student at Uni would have about 18K with part time work term time and fulltime in holidays but out of this they are almost certainly paying 6-8000K rent ( lots of Uni halls are 6000 a year just term time) and their own food etc, also this equates to having no holiday whatsoever not even a week so likely to be on less

so the one at home getting 14K for full time work and paying say £300 a month for board actually has far more spare money than the student

when my father started work back in 1940's adult children living at home gave practically all their wage to their parents also their ration book, it was pretty much the same in the 1950-60's then it was more a percentage but when I left school in late 80's it was common to give parents a contribution towards food at least.

for some people a child living at home does become more expensive once they are 18 and if working FT due to loss of child benefit which is approx £96 every 4 weeks, for a single parent there will be a loss of single person discount on council tax and a considerable drop in universal credit, someone on those benefits will not having being using all that money a drop of maybe 5000 on that one child people in that situation are normally struggling to eat properly and heat their home and buy adequate clothes not run cars pay for lots of extra cirricular activites etc some people just need adult children to contribute to make up for the drop in benefits to keep a roof over heads and fed and watered.

we do not know why OP accumulate ddebts whether it was overspending or one of the adults losing a job and having to borrow to keep heads above water, while neither scenario are the adult's child's fault in scenario 2 they are definitely needed to contribute.
Personally I would say £150-200 a month is the least it would cost in food and their use of heating laundry and electric etc without taking inot account the loss of benefits

I think a working adult should at least be contributing their share of food and utility bills, charging actual rent ie money for the privilege of having a room is different to charging lodgings or board

I'd be asking them what household jobs they are planning to do in lieu of cash payment.

There's nothing there that says they're using the rent to pay off their debts. The adult dc will be adding to their household costs and that's what the board and lodging money goes to. Once they can afford to absorb her costs they are going to start saving it for her.

Similar situation. 21 year old DS at home, working when he can, but is ND so things go awry and not every employer wants to employ people with additional needs. Currently on 16 hour contract.

He does claim UC when not working.

I do take "a contribution to the household bills" when he is working. He knows how much we spend on food - he eats more than me and DH do, and I make sure there are things in the fridge he likes that maybe we wouldn't otherwise buy. He knows how much our electricity and gas bills are - and his gaming accounts for a chunk of the electricity. We do run him to and fro his work as the buses locally are unreliable, and he is aware how much it costs to fill the tank. I have no qualms about taking a contribution when he is working and to give him his due, he wants to pay it.

When he is working he also pays his driving lessons, when he is unemployed, I pay them.

Regarding your current situation, I would be having a strong conversation with your DC about adult responsibilities. If they want to be treated like an adult, they have to act like one. It is not acceptable to make mum drive to pick you up at 11.00, necessitating dragging your younger sibling out as well, and then say they don't need the lift. That wouldn't be happening again. The assumption would be that a lift was NOT required unless they specifically requested it.

Regarding rent, they should pay what they can when they can, so if they are struggling this month then maybe they pay less or none, but another month then maybe they pay a bit more. It's not unreasonable to expect an adult working DC to at least cover their costs in terms of food and direct electricity usage. If they moved out they would have to.

I never said they was using it to pays their debt. I said they didn’t plan better and can’t afford their life right now. As shown in needing the rent. If dc left and wasn’t paying the rent they wouldn’t be able to afford things. Connect the dots dear. Connect the dots.

Being patronising is never a good look. Especially when you are wrong. There's no reason to think they can't afford their own life. It's the adult DCs life they can't afford.

He sounds willing to work. He can't help it he has a zero hours contract. If he gets offered additional hours he wants to take it so he isn't lazy. If you offered to drive him to work then I'd keep doing it. He's suggested instead of buying him Xmas gifts you keep the money towards his food and board. He's still only quite young and nothing you have said makes him sound like a bad kid. He's doing his best can't you just support him and give him a break until he gets a better job?

I don’t see where he said instead of Christmas gifts. I think he meant it as one of his Christmas gifts and will still expect others.

Hang on...

If they weren't funding DC's food, electricity, fuel to and from work, then they'd have more money to fund things. And as the DC won't claim UC when not getting hours at work they must be funding these things.

Connect the dots dear...

Absolutely correct. Also a teacher and is such a true point. Parent/s struggle to pay for household bills whilst kids expect £300 coats and £1000 phones.

Rent at home is a tough lesson but it’s one that has to be learnt, regardless of what you do with the rent money as a Parent.

Asking them to move out is also hard but a necessity for their development and a parent’s life.

Op, but them a bike and lights for Christmas, and tell them to start looking for either a better, more permanent job, or education of some sort. Just because they can’t get a role doing what they want, they need to suck it up and do one they didn’t. It’s life, it can be hard, but so it is most other people.

I never said they was using it to pays their debt. I said they didn’t plan better and can’t afford their life right now. As shown in needing the rent. If dc left and wasn’t paying the rent they wouldn’t be able to afford things. Connect the dots dear. Connect the dots.

If DC left home, they would have one less person to feed, lower electricity and other fuel bills, and less wear and tear on the house, freeing up money. Do the maths. Dear. Do the maths.

@BardRelic isn't everyone in the house benefiting from electricity for heating and lights? You could limit the time spent on gaming consoles etc if that's causing extra consumption. Likewise with food. My mother never bought additional food items just for me when I was a teenager. I bought those treats myself with my part time wage. We always had a family meal which my parents would have cooked anyway. I bought my own clothes with my part time wage. I never paid rent because that's something my parents would have to pay regardless if I was living their or not.

There's also a 9 year old living there. Very much at home. They won't be out at work or late at night.

The eldest adult or not should be paying equal shares of bills or living costs as the 9 yo is the parents responsibility to house and provide for.

@Sunsetred You should contact Martin Lewis and tell him how you've managed to find a way of inserting an extra adult into a household without incurring extra costs of any kind. I'm sure he'd be fascinated, and really pleased to pass on the good news to everyone struggling with the cost of living at the moment.

@Goodornot and @BardRelic I appreciate that everyone has different principles and different cultural norms.

I've only R two pages of TFT.

I'd personally be concerned about "going for a drive" in snow and ice!

Cultural? I'm white British.

It's just that my mum did the same. When I was 18 she threw in my face that she was losing her income support and child benefit for me. She was worried about money. She chose not to work after having children and I have never seen her with a job. She chose to live on state benefits that were a pittance back then.

She told me at 18 she was no longer obliged to keep me as the state didn't give her money for me. Where was I supposed to go?

She could also afford to pay the rent when I wasn't there as she didn't get evicted and the rent was the same whether I was there or not. She got housing benefit for the rent and I was a full time student so no council tax or benefit deduction issues.

I bought my own food in holidays as she stopped really giving me lunch money at 16 when I was at 6th form college so I was used to it.

As it was I went to uni and came back in holidays I did jobs in the summer and she demanded rent off me for the few weeks I did a minimum wage job. Gone was the trying to work to save to have some money to use for food and halls at uni.

It's a bloody lonely place to be when you're a fledgling adult trying to make your way in life and afford things without your parents demanding money off you for the things they can't afford and for their debts. You feel abandoned and a burden.

The OPs son is 20. He is on a 0 hours contract and he's being asked for rent out of that. How is he supposed to afford to save up for his own place or the deposit on a flatshare.

The OP and her dh have already afforded their house and kids and her debts aren't her son's responsibility.

I feel sad for him that he's asked for a rent waiver as a Christmas present.

She calls it lodge which is bizarre as if he is a lodger.

The lifts is a separate issue and I'd not give any again

Goodornot, I could have wept when reading your post. You had it hard, no doubt about that, and I am sure, if you have children, you will treat them generously.

I agree with what you said about the op's attitude.

@Goodornot I am so sorry for your experience. Your household growing up sounds a cold, harsh place. I hope life is better now

I can’t see your mum refraining from a drink to give you a lift home on a cold night. Nor is it clear to me how hard she was working? So I am not sure how your situation compares to that of OP’s DC.

No choice re rent, they pay if they’re working. I’d put a stop to the lifts after their shenanigans the other night, that was really poor, you should have been told they didn’t need a lift.

I (controversially) firmly believe that all adult children not in education should pay rent. No parent I know charges anywhere near market rates, its more about understanding that having & running a home costs.
I also believe (even more controversially I bet) that everyone who lives in a house needs to contribute to running re chores & meals.

Your DC needs to understand that paying rent is non negotiable irrespective of how much they earned that month.
They also need to learn some respect for you & your time; their behaviour over the lift is rude & entitled.

My DTs are both having a year out prior to going to university. When they first brought this up we were very clearvthat they needed to have a plan for the year & that we wouldn't be funding it.