Page 8 | Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

Jellyb39 · 2023-12-01T23:59:13+00:00

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car. I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages. DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money. DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve? It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations. I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect! I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 02/12/2023 11:34

Why aren't they claiming UC if they have 0 hours and didn't get much work? Isn't that what it's for?

Sauerkrautsandwich · 02/12/2023 11:34

Sorry if I missed that, when did you go to uni @Robinni ?

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:35

@Sauerkrautsandwich

Finished my last degree 2 yrs ago.

Justaquickthankyoumessage · 02/12/2023 11:36

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:28

Ps I say this as somebody who rented a house that was bought to fund rent for the landlords children at Uni elsewhere. My dentist at one point was funding 3 children in rented accommodation.

Most of my friends either lived at home, in a parents additional property, had their parents give them a deposit so they got on the property ladder and used student loan towards mortgage, or had their rent paid. Where rent wasn’t paid they did get help with car costs or help with house deposit/wedding later.

Any who didn’t receive any of the help above simply didn’t go to Uni!

Where there is the culture of going to Uni there is the culture to help financially generally.

Where there is culture to go out and work after school, there tends to be this culture to take rent from children.

You come from a very well off circle then.

I never received a penny of help from either of my parents. I funded my housing and education entirely by myself from 18yo. Never lived with my parents as an adult, never had any of their help. And that is perfectly normal, there were a few people living off the bank of mum and dad and I found it so strange to be an adult living like a child.

I would only expect that level of support in extreme circumstances, unexpected illnesses, leaving an abusive partner etc.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:37

The only people I know to have been charged rent by parents are those from working class backgrounds who didn’t go to Uni.

I don’t think paying for cars, all rent is ideal either!!

What I’m saying is that in a lot of cases (maybe or OP’s) the cash isn’t needed by the parents and it widens inequality, increases disadvantage.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:40

Justaquickthankyoumessage · 02/12/2023 11:36

You come from a very well off circle then.

I never received a penny of help from either of my parents. I funded my housing and education entirely by myself from 18yo. Never lived with my parents as an adult, never had any of their help. And that is perfectly normal, there were a few people living off the bank of mum and dad and I found it so strange to be an adult living like a child.

I would only expect that level of support in extreme circumstances, unexpected illnesses, leaving an abusive partner etc.

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@Justaquickthankyoumessage I was independent from 18 also. I was certainly an outlier at Uni by comparison to all I met. Perhaps that is why I’m quite passionately saying that all parents need to step up where they can to lessen the disparity in support, rather than washing their hands at 18.

Sauerkrautsandwich · 02/12/2023 11:41

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:35

@Sauerkrautsandwich

Finished my last degree 2 yrs ago.

So did I (first though). Absolutely not a case of people there being funded ao much ao they would simply be set out with deposit right off the uni.
Obvious also didn't hit cohort of the 10% with more than one property... Which is not surpriaing. More surprising you hit such a big number of them

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:45

Sauerkrautsandwich · 02/12/2023 11:41

So did I (first though). Absolutely not a case of people there being funded ao much ao they would simply be set out with deposit right off the uni.
Obvious also didn't hit cohort of the 10% with more than one property... Which is not surpriaing. More surprising you hit such a big number of them

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@Sauerkrautsandwich could be regional thing? STEM subject? Or that you might get more affluent at Russell group? Not sure. But I was involved in the Union, as a student rep and students being supported one way or another was typical - staying in parents property was the rarest, definitely not saying everyone had that!

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:47

staying in parents second property was rarest.

More commonly parents did something like pay halls for first year, let them cope in second and if applicable third year and then let them stay home for final year (to study/save)… or they stayed home the whole time.

Justaquickthankyoumessage · 02/12/2023 11:47

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:40

@Justaquickthankyoumessage I was independent from 18 also. I was certainly an outlier at Uni by comparison to all I met. Perhaps that is why I’m quite passionately saying that all parents need to step up where they can to lessen the disparity in support, rather than washing their hands at 18.

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I think there's a middle ground. I know I won't just drop my kids at 18 like mine did, even though practically its done me well, mental helath wise their parenting was not ideal.

But I also don't think an adult should be relying on their parents for money and certainly not chauffeuring. You don't get to choose not to drive but rely on others to drive you about.

Parental support is necessary in extremes, not your every day life.

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 11:49

@Robinni your so-called explanation of my name contains no analysis.

DH counts as private school intake to Oxbridge, but he was on full scholarship. And scholarship pupils are particularly likely to be highly able, hence over-represented at top universities. (I agree private school pupils are over-represented at Oxbridge and this is a problem.). I notice you have dropped your claim about the status of the others, rather than providing data.

I agree that those with a good university education have, on the whole, advantages in this society. But the key word is ‘good’ and the situation is complex. These Boards are also ripe with posts from MumsNetters and DC who regret shelling out for no perceived advantage from their chosen course, some feeling bitterly misled for good reason. Your anecdotes, like everyone’s, are valid as far as they go: not very. They are not everyone’s reality.

I am not sure what the South has to do with the car situation. I have said here before that I am not in London.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:51

@Justaquickthankyoumessage

I would be intermediate also.

We do intend to either let DC live in a rental we have for free, renting out remaining rooms to friends… or to live at home.

But we will not cover utility, food costs (bar a shop here and there), nor fund a gap yah, or a car - if they want a car they can work for it. No chauffeuring, public transport is reliable.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:54

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 11:49

@Robinni your so-called explanation of my name contains no analysis.

DH counts as private school intake to Oxbridge, but he was on full scholarship. And scholarship pupils are particularly likely to be highly able, hence over-represented at top universities. (I agree private school pupils are over-represented at Oxbridge and this is a problem.). I notice you have dropped your claim about the status of the others, rather than providing data.

I agree that those with a good university education have, on the whole, advantages in this society. But the key word is ‘good’ and the situation is complex. These Boards are also ripe with posts from MumsNetters and DC who regret shelling out for no perceived advantage from their chosen course, some feeling bitterly misled for good reason. Your anecdotes, like everyone’s, are valid as far as they go: not very. They are not everyone’s reality.

I am not sure what the South has to do with the car situation. I have said here before that I am not in London.

@poetryandwine can I just say that I adore your lecturer spiel re my analysis and data. I don’t have time to do either right now as I am due to take DC out. But I will return to it later 😊

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 11:57

Looking forward to it, @Robinni !

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 02/12/2023 12:02

Do you live rurally l, OP?

I ask partly because of availability of public transport, but also because in the cities that I and friends/family live in, there's no shortage of full time jobs in care homes, retail etc. Not brilliantly paid, but probably better than having to scrabble for any available shift on a 0 hour contract. Obviously, it's different it's a specific industry he wants to work in long term.
I know plenty of people on 0 hours contracts, but most of them have other commitments to work around, which it doesn't sound like your son has.

startquitting · 02/12/2023 12:03

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2023 02:22

I’m not from the UK and don’t understand the concept of lodge money? Is your DD renting somewhere and this is her rent, she can’t afford it and asking you to pay? Or, is she paying you rent?

If it’s the former then YANBU, she needs to move home. If it’s the latter, YABU as you can’t charge a child of this age getting established to try and stand on their own two feet rent/food etc, that’s ridiculous, at most they would pay for their own phone contract and clothes, any special toiletries they want above the norm, hair cuts etc.

I agree. And I’m not from the UK either, this is so odd to me.

Lemonyfuckit · 02/12/2023 12:05

If you can afford to not have the lodging money and he's trying to work more I would let him off that. I would make the point calmly that it's not on to take you for granted re lifts, don't abuse the favour or they'll stop.

And I would see if there are ways to help him get on a bit more. What's the long term plan re career, if he's currently on a shitty zero hours contract and clearly not earning enough money, can you and DH try and guide him and support him in figuring out what he wants from life / career and work towards that, and also encourage and possibly help with money towards (only if you can afford it) driving lessons. I get it, if you want the privilege of 'being an adult' there are also responsibilities, but I also think the times are quite tough and young people have been a bit shafted in terms of a) the recent few years with Covid, austerity etc and b) the inter-generational contract as it were, so would be inclined to help them to help themselves as it were.

OhComeOnFFS · 02/12/2023 12:06

Oh - sidenote regarding rent/lodge. In a few months when we are back to having a good disposable income and no longer juggling, the money paid by Dc will be (unbeknown to them) put in a savings pot for them for when they want to move home.

You don't need to do this, you know. Posters on MN will always try to make you feel guilty about adult children paying for board - they shouldn't. That's treating the young person like a child, as though all their money should be spending money. The young person needs to learn how to budget and how to save - if you save for him, he doesn't learn that lesson.

DragonFly98 · 02/12/2023 12:09

Robinni · 02/12/2023 04:51

And I really don’t get it… you have managed to house and feed them right the way through teens.

Do they hit 18 and start eating their body weight on a daily basis, use power station amounts of electricity and require you to buy a bigger property to accommodate them…. nope everything is exactly the same.

It’s just Mum and Dad have different priorities, namely themselves, now.

Unless you don't live in the UK you must know that many parents rely on UC/tax credits/child benefit to pay towards the costs of a teenager. Those costs don't disappear when the teen becomes an adult.

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 02/12/2023 12:16

I don't know what the MN aversion to working adults paying (usually much less than market rate) rent is. I lived at home while working for a couple of extra years before going to university, and I'd have been quite embarrassed not to contribute anything.

Family is important and, ideally, can support you wherever possible, but that's a relationship that's meant to work both ways once all parties are adults.

Justaquickthankyoumessage · 02/12/2023 12:26

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:51

@Justaquickthankyoumessage

I would be intermediate also.

We do intend to either let DC live in a rental we have for free, renting out remaining rooms to friends… or to live at home.

But we will not cover utility, food costs (bar a shop here and there), nor fund a gap yah, or a car - if they want a car they can work for it. No chauffeuring, public transport is reliable.

Yeah I agree. We'll be doing the same. We live rural so we will pay for them to get their licence as soon as they're legal but from there it will be their responsibility to get themselves around.

My biggest gripe is that an adult that is acting like a child doesn't get to throw the "I'm an adult" card in their parents face.

jannier · 02/12/2023 12:42

Why drive an adult?

Womencanlift · 02/12/2023 12:50

jannier · 02/12/2023 12:42

Why drive an adult?

Because people don’t automatically get a driving licence on their 18th birthday 🙄

Possumzilla · 02/12/2023 12:51

YTA. Imagine being so brassic that you ask your parents to pay your rent to them as your Christmas gift, and your parents say "no, that's not how life works".

Life is difficult for sure, but much more difficult when you have AH parents who think you owe them for giving you life.

Beezknees · 02/12/2023 12:53

Robinni · 02/12/2023 11:28

Ps I say this as somebody who rented a house that was bought to fund rent for the landlords children at Uni elsewhere. My dentist at one point was funding 3 children in rented accommodation.

Most of my friends either lived at home, in a parents additional property, had their parents give them a deposit so they got on the property ladder and used student loan towards mortgage, or had their rent paid. Where rent wasn’t paid they did get help with car costs or help with house deposit/wedding later.

Any who didn’t receive any of the help above simply didn’t go to Uni!

Where there is the culture of going to Uni there is the culture to help financially generally.

Where there is culture to go out and work after school, there tends to be this culture to take rent from children.

You have had an incredibly privileged circle then. I don't even own my own home let alone a second home for my DS to live in. He is off to uni in 2 years and will be having to live in digs on a student loan as there's no way I can fund him.