Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

[Jellyb39]

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

Wow all these privileged comments about "I wouldn't dream of charging my adult a contribution for the cost of living because that's what adults do child a penny"

How lovely for you but the OP cannot keep an adult while they dither around finding full time opportunities. Whilst he may not be able to afford a car OP is using her wages to facilitate his part time work.

By not contributing to the cost we all incur by existing you are infantalising your child and OP is not.

I would tell them that there will be no more lifts to or from work if they are prepared to mess you around. On the money front I would also explain you have budgeted expecting that money. They need to give you at least half of it as it is not fair if you are the only ones making sacrifices not him. Being an adult means having responsibilities and treating others fairly.

And what about those of us who are single parents and get UC and council tax discount?

Not everyone is in a position to be able to financially support another adult.

If someone really cannot afford to support a young adult child living at home, they obviously don't. I have sympathy with people in that position but it is an entirely different scenario.

Have zero sympathy for DD, she needs to pay lodge and that’s it. If she has no money left that’s tough, she needs to learn she works and pays her way or she can’t do the things she wants. She sounds entitled and I would want that out of her now.

As for the lift that would be the last time I offered to collect her, blatant lack of respect for you, your time and impact on nine year old. What a CF.

Mother of God the OP had to refrain from a drink one evening. What utter hardship for her.

My point was it is shit when you're newly an adult trying to get established and having your parents grabbing money off you as they're in debt and unable to afford their lifestyle.

No wonder so many adults on MN go no contact with their parents if they're treated like strangers as soon as they turn 18.

My (wonderful) parents have never behaved like some Dickensian landlords to either me or my brother and we are all still very close. 🤷‍♀️

My DD earns more than me now. I think it's reasonable to ask for something towards the bills.

Quite. My mum made me feel like that. A burden and a stranger who was responsible for what she couldnt afford. Do all of you forget what it was like to be 18-20? You have fuck all and don't have the skills, or the work history to earn anything decent.

There is a reason parents income is taken into account for an 18 year old adult going to uni as they're not considered financially independent.

It's embarrassing to have to rely on an 18 year old to keep your head above water or a 20 year old on a 0 hours contract who hasn't been given many hours for the month.

Zero sympathy for an 18 yo is just disgraceful. Where did all of these parents go so wrong in life that they need to rely on benefits or their teenagers money to survive financially.

I didn't go wrong anywhere, thanks. But please tell me how I am supposed to finance another adult when I earn £23k a year myself?

I'm sorry for what happened to you but it's an extreme scenario. I certainly don't plan to make DS feel like a burden but it's not unreasonable at all to ask for a couple of hundred quid a month towards bills which is what I will do if he is still living at home when he starts work. You're acting as if parents are taking every penny from their kids.

It all seems to be about attitude and respect. (1) DC should respect someone/anyone who puts themselves out to support with e.g. a lift. You should tell DC that you're disappointed with their behaviour in not respecting people who try to support him/her. (2) DC should respect that households and events need planning and paying in advance. But you need to face up to, if DC doesn't have money to pay you rent, it's not going to magically appear. I'd return for-a-refund any DC gifts bought. I'd also explain the issues it causes when an "adult" behaves irresponsibly financially. (3) I'd have a discussion with DC about their long-term plans to move out and become independent and what more he thinks he can do to contribute and make it work better for everyone living at home now he's an adult (behaviour, attitude, appreciation, household chore, being more responsible for 9 year old, making a career plan and following up. (4) I'd bring up the fact that DC attitude/behaviour is putting a strain on the whole family. (5) I'd tell DC that you love him/her - but being a trusted, reliable, respected adult takes experience and maturity, not just reaching a certain number of years. You've been proud of him/her as a child and you'd like to be proud of him/her as an adult.

@XelaM no one is suggesting she is treated like a stranger but did you actually read the post. OP went to pick her up as requested with her 9 year old in tow and DD didn’t even have the courtesy to call ahead and say no lift needed. It stinks of entitled. And how ridiculous to expect to be let off rent so she has money to do the stuff she wants. What kind of parenting is that. She is going to have an awful life if she thinks he can cry off rent anytime she would rather spend money elsewhere. Or maybe DD can just go on benefits, but I guess then you would have another opinion!

My mum was a wonderful lady who taught me how to be a responsible adult, I’m sure we would still be amazingly close but unfortunately she is dead. Glad your parents are around though.

Did you know people’s brains aren’t finished developing until 25, and one of the last parts is planning, decision making and thinking consequences? 20 is so young, give them a break.

As if one Friday inconvenience is being lumped in with forcing rent they can’t afford!?! I believe taking digs should be about teaching lessons but if they are trying and can’t afford it at 20 then what can they do. You do not get to give up parenting your child the minute they turn 18, it’s your job to get them to independence. In these times that is going to take longer than it did when you were that age.

I agree with other people, your 9 year old is not their responsibility and neither are your debts.

Again another privileged post with the 🤷‍♀️ for extra measure

My sister and I paid dig money as soon as we were earning, it was very much the norm in my circle of friends even in those families that were slightly better off than others. We are both still unbelievably close to our parents. Have never thought of going no contact because I was taught to contribute to a household, very much the opposite in fact

@Goodornot when was this and no one chooses to be on benefits plus income support is for the disabled. Also once kids are over a certain age you’ve to return to work or be sanctioned?

not to dismiss what happened and your mother was nasty to cast it up what she was losing but many parents do lose that money and are rightly worried what will happen hence taking dig money when their kids start work. It also sets them up to know things cost money and is an appropriate amount per week or month.

Forced rent what a lot of shit

it’s their way of contributing and should be an amount appropriate from their wages It helps to develop that brain didnt you know. knowing that things in life are not free. Regardless of mum and dad’s circumstances.

I have older kids and they sometimes wish they where back home on their reduced rent payments instead of being an adult and having everything to pay for, youngest is in fact 25 and moved out last year to live with his girlfriend. He thanked me for showing him that budgeting along with other things help long term whilst taking his “rent” money.

One of our dds was a qualified chartered accountant at 25 and didn’t go to uni, she did an apprenticeship. Should she not have been financially responsible for herself by that age on a £50K salary if she’d still been living at home? Once our kids were working in full-time apprenticeships (which incidentally can be very handsomely paid depending on sector) we took 15% of their take home pay. Not for ‘rent’ per se, but for ‘keep’. To pay towards their food, the extra utilities, lifts etc. They have numerous holidays, nights out, gym memberships, spa days, football season tickets and other expensive hobbies, seemingly daily deliveries of new clothes etc. I’m buggered if I’m covering their expensive food requests until they’re 30 when they have more disposable income than I do! They’re adults.

The young person needs to learn how to budget and how to save - if you save for him, he doesn't learn that lesson.
But how the heck do they ever get to save when their minimum wage is going to the parent as 'lodge?'
Btw whoever coined that word should be given jail time. It even beats 'grim' as my most loathsome word and I've honestly never heard it before in this context.

save it’s easy as the op never mentioned taking all their wages ffs

one third lodge
one third save
one third spend
and they budget for it and older folks work 0 hour contracts and manage it. It’s shit but they do manage it.

Many people have children before they are 25! I did! And certainly wasn't relying on my parents.

I had two dcs by the time I was 23. I can’t understand parents who infantilise their adult children. Surely it’s our responsibility to make sure they have the necessary skills to cope as independent adults.

I had an aunt who wouldn’t charge my cousin keep. He eventually moved out and he leeched off her till the day she died. She was forever paying his mortgage and council tax, even when he was in his fifties. He just expected it, and always thought it was her role to bail him out. There is no chance my kids will ever have that attitude. We’ll help where we can and we do, but only in exceptional circumstances.

I don’t believe that was said! They are 20, not at college or anything at the moment, so has the potential to work full time. Why shouldn’t they pay (probably a small token amount) in rent/housekeeping?

Pretty much what I came on here to say. I couldn't find a part time job to help out at home while I was at college so I dropped out and went down the apprenticeship route instead (even that was a bit lucky in the right opportunity coming up at the right time). When DS gets to that stage I'd hope to be in a position we can help him do what he wants, but I never look back begrudgingly on having to contribute to the household.

@Dullardmullard no need to swear really is there? I wasn't.

I had an aunt who wouldn’t charge my cousin keep. He eventually moved out and he leeched off her till the day she died.
Well I have 2 adult children who I never charged to live with us in our home. They are the most grounded, empathetic, biggest hearted individuals you could ever hope to meet.