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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to look forward to child free christmases in the future?

147 replies

wendall456 · 30/11/2023 22:43

AIBU to actually think that the lead up to Christmas is far more enjoyable before children or maybe when the children have left home? I haven't enjoyed Christmas for years - all starts when we put up the Christmas tree - the family arguments are the worst on 30th Nov/1st December kids are early teens but like control of the tree decorating- I was really nervous about tonight and as predicted all has gone wrong again if it was just me and DH we would just put the tree up and be done with it. It is also the constant carol services and christmas parties for the children then there is the 2 christmas parties for DH and I and having to work out logistics. I adored christmas before I had children and I know I won't be popular for saying it but having children around dulls the magic for me. I know it is all about the children and I have to put them first which I do and I do make it special for them but in a selfish way I hate the stress it brings. I would love to put the tree up of an evening have a mooch around a christmas market have a leisurely lunch with DH but without the children arguing. When they were little I was expecting magical times and every year I thought it would get better and more magical but no it is and always has been the most stressful day of the year for me. I have friends who say christmases are so magical when you have children but I have tried to find sense in this for years and have failed. I was a real christmas lover before children but having children has really dulled the magic for me. I feel guilty for admitting it and please be honest are there other people who feel this way? So here I go I am going to say it...... I can't wait to have a child free christmas so I can get that magic back. When I spoke to my mum today she said she enjoys christmas or the lead up to it far more now than when we lived at home..

OP posts:
Claustrophobiclown · 02/12/2023 13:25

Tryingmybestadhd · 01/12/2023 00:09

I have no idea how anyone enjoys Christmas without kids . I love Christmas because I love buying for the kids and do things for and with them

Well maybe they enjoy travelling home to parents and reuniting with siblings and old friends. Maybe they enjoy all the traditions associated with Christmas. Maybe they are highly involved in their community and love all the events and organising and chaos that goes along with that. Maybe they love carol services and Christmas films and pantomimes. Maybe they have meaningful lives and lots of imagination and can easily create an enjoyable Christmas without children.

Hoglet70 · 02/12/2023 13:32

YANBU Christmas can be a big stress. I love Christmas with my DS and miss him being little and doing all the magical Christmassy stuff with him now he's 18 but I also know how much I stress about getting everything perfect for him and DH even though I know really that it's not that important and neither of them care about it as much as me. Now DS is older I can do things with DH that DS didn't enjoy and that's nice too. We're all different and all find different bits magical and different bits stressy and you shouldn't be judged for finding it hard.

IntoAThousandPieces · 02/12/2023 13:42

Has OP been back?

I’ve always enjoyed Christmas whatever my circumstances have been. I think my favourite Christmas times have been when our children were little though, with all their excitement. Now they’re older, it’s still lovely though, they love Christmas, our oldest will be home from uni and we have lots planned together and with friends.

DangerousAlchemy · 02/12/2023 14:15

SALWARP2023 · 01/12/2023 02:39

You are trying too hard. Teenagers aren't really interested in Christmas. Leave them to it and go shopping etc on your own. I will say that you really should be grateful for being blessed with a healthy family. Hundreds of parents in the UK will be facing their first Christmas since a child died - think of the families of the boys who died 2 weeks ago in a car crash in Wales or the many kids that die from cancer or suicide. You will have many child free Christmases in the future anyway.

@SALWARP2023 I cried when I read the article about those boys. My DS will be 16 soon & DD is 19 so it really hits me hard when teenagers die. Their poor families 😪 My DS isn't bothered about Christmas at all - he likes having 2 weeks off school of course & seeing cousins/relatives on one day. We'll play a few games/go to the cinema/go for a long walk but he'll be seing his mates & revising too I imagine. I definitely wouldn't be taking him round a Christmas market. My DH would hate that too 😆 We don't watch pantomimes or go to expensive shows in London as my DH/DS aren't remotely interested. My DD is more into Christmas but it's not as much fun as when their were smaller tbh.

BashfulClam · 02/12/2023 14:19

Yabu, I would love to have children and have children Christmases but I am not able to have any so thank your lucky stars you got them as some pc us would do anything to have what you have. You’re a dick!

Heb1996 · 02/12/2023 14:21

@wendall456 I totally disagree on this one. Christmasses since we’ve had our kids have been the best!! Yes, they’re different to the ones we had when it was just us two but I just love the way the kids get excited by it all and we love the lead up to Xmas with school plays and visits to Santa then the decorating the tree and the house. Then we have our traditions like we go to church on Xmas eve where they have a Christingle service for the children. Then home to some little snacks and treats. Then it’s time to get them tucked into bed while we finish the stockings and do the veg for next day. It’s hard work for sure but I absolutely love it and miss it now that one has left home and they’re both grown up. We now go to the pub on Xmas eve and meet up with friends for a pre Xmas drink which is a lovely start to Xmas and enjoyed by all of us. The four of us go out to Xmas lunch in a restaurant now because DD’s bf is in hospitality and always works Xmas day so she joins with us and it’s lovely that she does. One day she won’t and will be making her own Xmas traditions in her own home. But that’s life. And our DS will be doing the same so it will be just us again. But I’ll miss the magical xmasses with the kids.

marmiteandminticecream · 02/12/2023 14:30

i feel like tjhis about pancake day
hated it

stayathomer · 02/12/2023 14:33

I wonder about the fact that your mum says the same when it’s such an unusual stance to take, So I wonder growing up if you were inadvertently led to believe that Christmas would be better fully quiet. I think the chaos and ‘fights’ at Christmas amplify the fab, beautiful, bright times! I also wonder that you actively dreaded putting up the tree or the fights around it. You have to think are they that bad? (Actual question!)

Manthide · 02/12/2023 16:40

FreshWinterMorning · 30/11/2023 23:16

Awwww, lucky you having a grandchild! Grin Mine 2 'kids' are only mid 20s, so I think it may be a little while yet, and they only left 4-5 years ago, so we haven't had too many Christmasses with just us two. Hoping to have grandkids (but would never push our kids to have kids obvs!)

Show quote history

My eldest two are 30 and 32 and we now have one gs and are expecting another gc in the new year. I love the chaos of Christmas with children and am really looking forward to experiencing it with my gc. I also have 2 much younger dc aged 15 and 20 so didn't have too many years without young children.

Manthide · 02/12/2023 16:45

stayathomer · 02/12/2023 14:33

I wonder about the fact that your mum says the same when it’s such an unusual stance to take, So I wonder growing up if you were inadvertently led to believe that Christmas would be better fully quiet. I think the chaos and ‘fights’ at Christmas amplify the fab, beautiful, bright times! I also wonder that you actively dreaded putting up the tree or the fights around it. You have to think are they that bad? (Actual question!)

We also used to have really big New Year parties when we lived in Liverpool but when we moved south most of my friends' parents used to not even wait up for the New Year. It seemed strange to me but just different customs I suppose.

Utterbunkum · 02/12/2023 17:06

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER my Dad told me Santa likes a glass of Whisky with his mince pie...

Zebedee55 · 02/12/2023 17:19

Not really. My kids are middle aged, and the GCs are adults. The magic has gone - it’s now just an expensive wind up.🙄

housethatbuiltme · 02/12/2023 17:40

I'll be heartbroken a bit every xmas when my kids have flown the nest (I won't impose on them though, they can have their family in peace without 'whose turn is it to have mam' drama) so I assume me and DH will distract ourselves with something else like a holiday and pretend its not xmas.

I honestly do not for the life of me get what adults get out of Xmas without children. I ADORED Xmas as a child, DESPISED it as a young adult (actually made me horrifically depressed) and then LOVED it again once I had kids.

Without kids at most its just Sunday lunch with whatever lose ends are left with no where else to go and it's really nothing fun. Before I had kids I wish I could have just skipped the whole thing (but didn't have money back then to jet off somewhere warm etc...).

Aydahayda · 02/12/2023 17:46

I’d personally love to celebrate Festivus but OH alas is a Christmas lover

sadsack78 · 02/12/2023 17:58

It sounds like A) you are putting too much pressure on yourself and B) your kids are old enough to comprehend that squabbling and being a moody arse is bad behaviour kills the fun for everyone else. If they can't behave, they don't get the treat of doing the tree. You can do it yourself with a glass of wine. Or they can help you and make an effort to be kind.

That might sound harsh and I know teens are naturally prone to surliness. But they are too immature to understand on their own that their behaviour affects others and they need to be less selfish.

Take yourself out to a nice lunch with your DH. Your kids will probably be quite happy to see friends/ play video games/ whatever instead- they won't be interested and you'll get to enjoy some nice grownup time to yourself. YOU need to give back to yourself once in a while so you don't burn out❤

Multipleexclamationmarks · 02/12/2023 18:04

Yabu because Christmas is what you make it, it can be good with or without children.
Mine are teens and adult now and the santa magic is gone but there's so much more to xmas than that.
why are your teens arguing? Address that with them.
why cant yougo to xmas markets with dp and leave the teens at home?

tokesqueen · 02/12/2023 18:10

No. The best years were when they were younger.
Mine are 21 and 18 now and although it's nice to have them home from uni and be together, it's not magical in the slightest. PIL are old and frail and have never done fun. It's all a bit hard work and dutified in this phase tbh.
In fact, I suspect most of our Christmases will be spent abroad when PIL have gone and DC are a little older.

Hankunamatata · 02/12/2023 18:16

I'm loving it now mine are teens. No pressure to do santa or christmas experiences, no panic over which toy for Xmas or building crap, no super early Xmas mornings. It's all just so chilled

Nofilteritwonthelp · 02/12/2023 18:30

Until recently our Christmas's have been adults only as all the kids have now grown up, it's terribly boring.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 18:42

housethatbuiltme · 02/12/2023 17:40

I'll be heartbroken a bit every xmas when my kids have flown the nest (I won't impose on them though, they can have their family in peace without 'whose turn is it to have mam' drama) so I assume me and DH will distract ourselves with something else like a holiday and pretend its not xmas.

I honestly do not for the life of me get what adults get out of Xmas without children. I ADORED Xmas as a child, DESPISED it as a young adult (actually made me horrifically depressed) and then LOVED it again once I had kids.

Without kids at most its just Sunday lunch with whatever lose ends are left with no where else to go and it's really nothing fun. Before I had kids I wish I could have just skipped the whole thing (but didn't have money back then to jet off somewhere warm etc...).

Nowhere to go?

Parties, theatre, markets, concerts, gardens/stately homes. The list goes on. Baking, tree trimming, pulling out parents & grandparents' baubles. Listening to Christmas music, watching old films like The Bishop's Wife, etc. Work dos. Walking around to look at lights. We are atheists but we enjoy church choirs and special services.

I just signed myself and a friend up for a wreath making class at the garden centre.

We can barely cram in everything we want to do. I'm perplexed as to how anyone can find the season boring or unmagical.

Dressing up, eating good food, wearing special jewelry. There's a lot more going on than Santa.

KimberleyClark · 02/12/2023 19:27

housethatbuiltme · 02/12/2023 17:40

I'll be heartbroken a bit every xmas when my kids have flown the nest (I won't impose on them though, they can have their family in peace without 'whose turn is it to have mam' drama) so I assume me and DH will distract ourselves with something else like a holiday and pretend its not xmas.

I honestly do not for the life of me get what adults get out of Xmas without children. I ADORED Xmas as a child, DESPISED it as a young adult (actually made me horrifically depressed) and then LOVED it again once I had kids.

Without kids at most its just Sunday lunch with whatever lose ends are left with no where else to go and it's really nothing fun. Before I had kids I wish I could have just skipped the whole thing (but didn't have money back then to jet off somewhere warm etc...).

why can’t you just enjoy a romantic cosy Christmas together as a couple? Do you not enjoy each other’s company?

housethatbuiltme · 02/12/2023 19:39

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 18:42

Nowhere to go?

Parties, theatre, markets, concerts, gardens/stately homes. The list goes on. Baking, tree trimming, pulling out parents & grandparents' baubles. Listening to Christmas music, watching old films like The Bishop's Wife, etc. Work dos. Walking around to look at lights. We are atheists but we enjoy church choirs and special services.

I just signed myself and a friend up for a wreath making class at the garden centre.

We can barely cram in everything we want to do. I'm perplexed as to how anyone can find the season boring or unmagical.

Dressing up, eating good food, wearing special jewelry. There's a lot more going on than Santa.

Show quote history

On xmas day?

Lets face it we are talking about xmas day not the entire month of December here.

You can do that stuff ANY time of the year btw. I don't wait until December to go to the theater or bake or watch old movies.

There is better times of the year to dress up with you don't have to account for freezing weather, slippy ice, everything being wet etc...

housethatbuiltme · 02/12/2023 19:41

KimberleyClark · 02/12/2023 19:27

why can’t you just enjoy a romantic cosy Christmas together as a couple? Do you not enjoy each other’s company?

Show quote history

We have each others company 365 days a year, do you not spend time with your partner ALL year round?

Who are you lot that can't/don't do any of this basic everyday stuff until xmas day?

KimberleyClark · 02/12/2023 19:55

housethatbuiltme · 02/12/2023 19:41

We have each others company 365 days a year, do you not spend time with your partner ALL year round?

Who are you lot that can't/don't do any of this basic everyday stuff until xmas day?

Show quote history

I’m someone who doesn’t have any children to spend Christmas with, not originally by choice, but I still manage to have a lovely time with DH.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 20:14

I took this discussion to be about the entire season, not just the day.
We get together with adults and have a lovely time.