AIBU to look forward to child free christmases in the future?

[wendall456]

AIBU to actually think that the lead up to Christmas is far more enjoyable before children or maybe when the children have left home? I haven't enjoyed Christmas for years - all starts when we put up the Christmas tree - the family arguments are the worst on 30th Nov/1st December kids are early teens but like control of the tree decorating- I was really nervous about tonight and as predicted all has gone wrong again if it was just me and DH we would just put the tree up and be done with it. It is also the constant carol services and christmas parties for the children then there is the 2 christmas parties for DH and I and having to work out logistics. I adored christmas before I had children and I know I won't be popular for saying it but having children around dulls the magic for me. I know it is all about the children and I have to put them first which I do and I do make it special for them but in a selfish way I hate the stress it brings. I would love to put the tree up of an evening have a mooch around a christmas market have a leisurely lunch with DH but without the children arguing. When they were little I was expecting magical times and every year I thought it would get better and more magical but no it is and always has been the most stressful day of the year for me. I have friends who say christmases are so magical when you have children but I have tried to find sense in this for years and have failed. I was a real christmas lover before children but having children has really dulled the magic for me. I feel guilty for admitting it and please be honest are there other people who feel this way? So here I go I am going to say it...... I can't wait to have a child free christmas so I can get that magic back. When I spoke to my mum today she said she enjoys christmas or the lead up to it far more now than when we lived at home..

I think its more the OP has martyred herself to teenage kids and then complains that there is no enjoyment in it. They are teenagers. Take a day off and go to a Christmas market. Leave them at home and go to one. Go sit in church on Christmas eve and listen to some carols. Let the kids have their own tree and do your own. Maybe they are annoyed because they are forced to do all this crap all the time and their mother is then pissed off all month because they don't want to go? My kids love Christmas, even as teens. December is the best behaved they are all year!

What has gone wrong with the tree? Why are you all arguing so much? What do they do at Christmas markets that makes you wish them away?

OP I have teenagers.

DH and I now walk together every Xmas morning while DC stay at home after we share a champagne breakfast.

We go for a boozy lunch together in the local pub at twixmas.

And we go for mini breaks on our own and GPs stay with the teens.

You need to do more together.

I sort of get it. I loved Xmas with DH before children, it was romantic and flirty and exciting.

Get divorced then have one child free Christmas, one with children year on year off-it's the absolute way forward! I joke of course....though dh and I are going out for a fancy Christmas lunch this year just us. If we want have the kids it's the next best thing for sure!

It's all loaded with expectations.

Go to a Christmas market while the DC decorate the tree.

Tell the kids every time they argue a fairy loses its wings. 🤪

Your kids are teens, can you really not leave them for a few hours to go to a Christmas market with DH and have lunch? Just leave them to do the tree? Maybe next year leave a day or twos annual leave each for December so you can go mid week of they really can't be trusted

I have 2 teens. And don't recogniseany of this.

If DH and I want to go to a Christmas market without them, we do. In fact we've booked a day off work this week to do just that.

No squabbles around decorating the tree or anything. Never had been. DH and I do row, so I've learnt to do it when he's not here or send him out.

Carol services etc, not mandatory. You've set this life and pace up, change it if it doesn't work for you.

It’s teens OP. Most people wouldn't enjoy a Christmas where the people you’re trying to make the day special for fight and complain. People with little ones are in denial about how their kids will be as teens, as were we!

I think it's all about expectations. Christmas with my kids was great. They helped with food prep from a very young age and we never had any squabbling about the tree. Even as teens they were fine, but then again they were easy teens. Now they're grown up and I can't wait to have them and their partners here. We keep it low key and cosy, cooking is still a team effort, we play lots of stupid board games and it's great. It can be anything you want, just kick out the bits you don't want and add new ones!

Mine are 11 and 13 and this has been the most difficult year to buy.

Dd11 Byoma Bubble The Ordinary skincare and skinny jeans and lounge clothes. She's the most stubborn person I've met and I know I will get everything wrong but she won't tell me specifically what she wants.

Dd13 wants skincare which is £20/£30 each. I don't spend that on myself . I know it's her choice but fancy having bottles to open lol

I was like you when my DC were younger then I got rid of ALL the expectations. You can't force any of the "magic". You actually sound close to Christmas burnout.

Carve out some time for just you and your DH. If the kids continue the arguing then stop including them (harsh but true).
My two get out all of their own baubles (grans been collecting odd ones for each kid over the years) and they put them on the tree. Then each year they take turns putting the star on top. Job done.
You want to have a special time for you and DH without the kids, have that when the kids are in bed. It doesn't have to all be about the kids.

But to answer your question I'm glad the elf and visits to Santa and school Christmas shite is over.

I've got three, aged 4, 6 and 8 and I sort of know what you mean. They don't tend to argue too much but even the youngest has Christmas dancing and gymnastics shows and parties, the older two have all that plus loads of school events and it's all quite overwhelming. Sometimes I would like to go to a Christmas market with DH and have some mulled wine without all the chaos that the kids bring!

However, thinking about it just being the two of us makes me sad. It would still be nice but part of made me want kids is the noise and chaos and busyness it brings, I do find that stuff fulfilling even if it's only after the fact!

Good one! 🤣

how do us child free cope???? we just have to go for the small scraps of joy we can find in a bottle of wine.

My parents are very lucky. 50 years of having xmas with me, only managed to swerve it once due to Boris's last minute change of heart in 2020.

You were nervous about putting Christmas decorations up and the arguments it might lead to. Honestly as an adult get a grip and take control of your life. You don't need to facilitate loads of xmas parties and whatever else if you don't want to. As a two parent household presumably you can share the load and where things won't work logiclstically don't do it. It sounds like you are sucking all the joy out of what xmas should actually be about. If your kids are pre teens tell them to wind their necks in. This probably sounds harsh but you've made a rod for your own back here and I just don't understand why.

When I was a young teen we agreed my brother did the lights and I did the baubles.
Worked quiet well

OP there is no one right way to do Christmas of course. It sounds like you need to find a way that works for you. At a relatively peaceful time, why not sit down as a family and discuss how to make Christmas is good for all of you.

My two happen to love Christmas. They like decorating the tree and each year take it in turns to put the fairy on the top. They keep texting me how much they are looking forward to coming home for Christmas. They are 19 and 20. It is different as they get older but it doesn’t have to be a warzone. It is about trying to make sure everybody’s needs are met.

And the comment about wondering how childfree people enjoy Christmas. Just blew my mind ! It makes no sense when people say Christmas is just about children. Who decreed that? Then again I am not a mumsnetter who thinks adults shouldn’t get birthday presents either…

Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of Christmas! But, I definitely enjoy it more with a child. It seems to have more meaning now.

Having said that, I still find the whole thing stressful, mostly due to family expectations 🙄

I definitely prefer the run up to the day itself though.

I’ve always liked it anyway, but loved it when dds still believed in FC. And now the Gdcs do, I love that, too. Putting out the tot of whisky or brandy* for FC, plus a mince pie and carrots for the reindeer.
I have been known to sneak out before bedtime, chew a bit of carrot and scatter it around the dish, so in the morning I can say, ‘Just look at the mess! Still, at least they didn’t poo in the garden…’

*and while I’m on that topic, what’s this pernicious idea of ‘milk and cookies’ for 🎅🏻? The poor old bloke doesn’t want cold milk, FGS - he wants something to warm him up a bit! Please leave the wretched ‘milk and cookies where they belong, across the pond!

OP You have to come back and explain why they make the Christmas tree so difficult and about the parties and caroling.

Things do change over time when it comes to Christmas and if you're still doing the same things as when they were tiny, maybe it's time to just change things up have them put up the tree and just put the things out and let them have at it.

If they don't want to go to the parties or caroling, don't go it really is that simple just change it up.

Book it for next year!

So much stuff I read on here makes me so grateful for the family I have.

Right? I get on well with my siblings, I have nice teens and my dh isn't a dick. Until MN I'd think I was living in a standard family not flying against unfathomable odds

I'm dreading the DC leaving home and possibly not coming back, DS1 is off to uni next year and I will miss him so much.

So no, really not looking forward to the DC not being here at Christmas