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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to look forward to child free christmases in the future?

147 replies

wendall456 · 30/11/2023 22:43

AIBU to actually think that the lead up to Christmas is far more enjoyable before children or maybe when the children have left home? I haven't enjoyed Christmas for years - all starts when we put up the Christmas tree - the family arguments are the worst on 30th Nov/1st December kids are early teens but like control of the tree decorating- I was really nervous about tonight and as predicted all has gone wrong again if it was just me and DH we would just put the tree up and be done with it. It is also the constant carol services and christmas parties for the children then there is the 2 christmas parties for DH and I and having to work out logistics. I adored christmas before I had children and I know I won't be popular for saying it but having children around dulls the magic for me. I know it is all about the children and I have to put them first which I do and I do make it special for them but in a selfish way I hate the stress it brings. I would love to put the tree up of an evening have a mooch around a christmas market have a leisurely lunch with DH but without the children arguing. When they were little I was expecting magical times and every year I thought it would get better and more magical but no it is and always has been the most stressful day of the year for me. I have friends who say christmases are so magical when you have children but I have tried to find sense in this for years and have failed. I was a real christmas lover before children but having children has really dulled the magic for me. I feel guilty for admitting it and please be honest are there other people who feel this way? So here I go I am going to say it...... I can't wait to have a child free christmas so I can get that magic back. When I spoke to my mum today she said she enjoys christmas or the lead up to it far more now than when we lived at home..

OP posts:
WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 01/12/2023 14:01

Christmas is only enjoyable for me because of the kids. I think Christmas would just be another day for me if they weren't around. I think when they are older (and if I'm not invited to Christmas for any reason) I'll be going abroad for some sun!

Crepesuzetteforone · 01/12/2023 14:02

@wendall456 cant believe the judgment you are getting on this thread and everyone helpfully telling you how much THEY enjoy Christmas!

You are not alone! Teenage kids can be an absolute nightmare and can suck the joy out of every occasion. Despite the impression given on this thread, feeling a lack of Christmas spirit is not unusual at all. The pressure to be happy and have fun can have the opposite effect.

it sounds like you’re a very caring mum and get stressed making it magical for them- which means you don’t enjoy it.

Id suggest being a bit lazier this Xmas. Do the bare minimum and make sure you have a nice day yourself. Maybe Xmas dinner at a pub? You might find you actually enjoy being together when you don’t have the responsibility for everyone else’s happiness

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 14:04

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/12/2023 13:00

I’ve always liked it anyway, but loved it when dds still believed in FC. And now the Gdcs do, I love that, too. Putting out the tot of whisky or brandy* for FC, plus a mince pie and carrots for the reindeer.
I have been known to sneak out before bedtime, chew a bit of carrot and scatter it around the dish, so in the morning I can say, ‘Just look at the mess! Still, at least they didn’t poo in the garden…’

*and while I’m on that topic, what’s this pernicious idea of ‘milk and cookies’ for 🎅🏻? The poor old bloke doesn’t want cold milk, FGS - he wants something to warm him up a bit! Please leave the wretched ‘milk and cookies where they belong, across the pond!

As teens we always left him pretzels and beer...

GoodOldEmmaNess · 01/12/2023 14:09

When they were little I was expecting magical times

I wonder whether you set the seeds for the future tensions and stress with this expectation. At best, Christmas with young children is magical for the children ( and lots of fun for the adults). How did you expect it to be 'magical' for you?

Do you think that the pressure you put on yourself and others to create this magic contributed to the stressed argumentative behaviour of the children?

The way to make christmas lovely/bearable is just to relax, go with the flow, let new 'traditions' evolve accidentally over the years. It feels like perhaps you wanted to squeeze your family's christmas into a particular shape that you had enjoyed as a child and young adult.

Chipsahoyagain · 01/12/2023 14:15

I know it is all about the children and I have to put them first which I do and I do make it special for them but in a selfish way I hate the stress it brings.

Well there's your problem right there. Why is it only about the children. Don't you matter too? Do you stop making your birthday special too just because you have kids now? Why do your children take all the priority? We have a gift budget and dh and I include ourselves in that too, not everything goes towards the kids. You've made yourself into a martyr and now don't like it.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 01/12/2023 14:17

Kids make the magic! I was getting bored with Christmas before they came along.

mydogisthebest · 01/12/2023 16:03

ImthatBoleyngirl · 01/12/2023 14:17

Kids make the magic! I was getting bored with Christmas before they came along.

I am almost 70 and not bored with Christmas yet!

squeekychicken · 01/12/2023 16:08

I love Xmas. I loved it pre and post dc. But it was different. Pre I loved going out to pubs and listening and dancing to xmas music. Now I love the more family orientated things.

I only have one dc and when she's an adult I imagine that some years she may be busy (like with potential in-laws) and I am looking forward to flying off somewhere exotic!

Dweetfidilove · 01/12/2023 16:16

I think the best part of Christmas, even before I had a child, was watching the children around me get excited by it!

Once they’ve all gone and should I have no children around for Christmas, I’ll be switching to celebrating mine on an exotic island somewhere. I may/not have a particular one in mind.

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 16:23

Christmas with children is wonderful! The magic is not there without them

LOL. What bullshit. You think people without kids don't enjoy Christmas?

Not everyone likes kid-friendly stuff, and even if they do, they don't necessarily want to do kid-friendly stuff all the time. If you do, great! But it's perfectly OK that the OP just prefers the grown-up stuff.

SkankingWombat · 01/12/2023 16:36

I think it's down to what you make of it and the expectations you place on it and how much pressure you put yourself under.

I think this is true. It is similar to holidays with DCs - you need to adjust your expectations and accept it will be different but still good in other ways. It will be a different kind of fun.

Which bits aren't enjoyable any more and why? Can you change the way those parts are executed to take the stress off? Is it an essential part of how you do/see Christmas? If not, can you ditch it this year? Can you start new traditions instead?
For example, the Xmas decs - having them is probably a 'must have' for most households, but do you/the DCs need to be there when they're done? Can the DCs go for a playdate and come back to a big reveal? Or you take yourself out so DH can do it with DCs and 'surprise' you when you get home?

greencheetah · 01/12/2023 16:39

I could not disagree more if I tried.

DianaTiana · 01/12/2023 16:41

Please tell us why decorating the tree evokes arguments.

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 16:45

Tryingmybestadhd · 01/12/2023 00:09

I have no idea how anyone enjoys Christmas without kids . I love Christmas because I love buying for the kids and do things for and with them

Yes, the poor child free or childless people, how on earth do they enjoy themselves at all without children? Must all be miserable right? Christmas must be just AWFUL!

🙄

Firapple · 01/12/2023 16:51

DianaTiana · 01/12/2023 16:41

Please tell us why decorating the tree evokes arguments.

Yes, I don't get the reason behind the arguments either. I mean, why not let the children decorate the tree as they like? I think we had a horrifying-looking Yoda puppet on top of the tree one year when our six year old supervised...

And surely, unless the OP has dozens of children, they can't have more than one or two carol concerts each?

I very much enjoyed Christmas before we had DS -- we often travelled, and were on a beach somewhere or in India, once in Damascus, or we stayed with friends in the Alps. It's differently nice with an 11 year old. I imagine we'll travel and do lovely things again once he's flown the nest.

Dontcallmescarface · 01/12/2023 16:53

I kinda get where you're coming from OP. Christmas with DC can be stressful and full on. Once they become adults and/or leave home then having a more relaxed "grown-up" Christmas is bliss.

MaryShelley1818 · 01/12/2023 17:00

Christmas childfree is lovely (I had 39 of them!) Treats, movies, cosy nights in and twinkly lights.

However now I have DS6 and DD3 Christmas is truly magical ✨️ It's full of excitement, Santa, the Elf, days out to fun places. I'll be so sad when they're all grown up, I can't imagine ever wishing this away.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/12/2023 17:03

YANBU to feel whatever you feel, but I don't understand your perspective, personally. I think Christmas is much more fun with kids around and I think it's all a bit dull without them. Each to their own though.

mydogisthebest · 01/12/2023 18:39

Tryingmybestadhd · 01/12/2023 00:09

I have no idea how anyone enjoys Christmas without kids . I love Christmas because I love buying for the kids and do things for and with them

You must have no imagination if you really have no idea how anyone enjoys Christmas without children. It's really is a pretty pathetic statement to make.

I love buying presents for my DH and my siblings and their OH's. I love going to choose a real tree every year and then decorating it. I love helping DH put up all the Christmas lights, both indoor and outside. I love going to Christmas fairs and markets. I love going to carol concerts especially the one at the Royal Albert Hall and seeing the lights in Oxford Street, Regent Street, Carnaby Street, Kings Road etc.

I love Christmas Day spent with my siblings. I have spent every Christmas Day with my family (69 years). We all have a great time, lots of laughs and chatting, no tv

Fionaville · 02/12/2023 11:45

I imagine when my DCs have flown the nest that Christmas may be more relaxing. Maybe me and DH will get to have a couple of days having a relaxed mooch round a Christmas Market, a nice leisurely shopping trip and some cozy pub lunches. But in reality, we'll have all the time in the world doing those type of things..just the two of us. So by Christmas we'll be looking at all the families with children doing all the magical things and wishing we could turn back the clock...just for Christmas! Relaxing doesn't always mean better. Find a way to embrace the chaos and laugh at the teens. You're in charge of your Christmas.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 02/12/2023 11:54

My PIL I can tell thought this way.
Now we are visiting them this Christmas without the kids and it’s all complaints about how quiet it will be, but seriously Christmas with them has all the magic of God‘s waiting room.

blackfluffycat · 02/12/2023 12:19

LaurieStrode · 30/11/2023 23:40

Hardly anyone in my extended family ...sibling, cousins, etc. ... has had children. My cousin's daughter-in-law is pregnant now with the first child to be born into this family in 30 years.

We love it!!!! We have really festive, elegant Christmases with beautiful decor, fun activites in December like West End plays, nice meals out or at our homes, going to carol concerts etc. I personally have nine steel racks of Christmas decor in the garage, and more in the loft, and turn my home into a Dickensian / Victorian immersive experience, LOL.

Love the baking of sweet and savoury treats, planning nice menus, cocktails, candles, outings forth and back to one another's homes for chocolate or cocktails. Christmas movies (classic black-and-white, not Elf or that ilk), music, garden walks.

On Christmas Day we all dress up in our finery and continue the champagne-fest that begins around the 23rd-Boxing Day, plus nice presents before the fire, at the home of the designated host that year. Sometimes we even foxtrot to jazz Christmas music.

It's just three or four indulgent weeks and honestly I seriously cannot recall a Christmas Day that I last saw anyone under 25, other than maybe a neighbour's kids popping in briefly with treats.

A kid-centric, hectic, plastic-toy oriented Christmas is our idea of hell on earth. Though the grandma-to-be is rather excited about her upcoming grandson. It's likely to be the only kid of that generation; there are only five in its parents' generation and the other four are single & say they are firmly childfree, so this little boy will have to catch on quick. We'll have him quaffing champagne, wearing black tie, quoting "A Christmas Carol" and eating beef wellington by the time he's four, LOL.

I can't tell if you are being serious

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:34

Other than the baby drinking wine, I am 100 percent serious. We are not a child-centric family in the slightest. And we still have magical Decembers.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:35

Spot on, @mydogisthebest

BigHoops · 02/12/2023 12:53

I do get you OP. My DC are still small and having the magic is lovely - know I'll miss that when they are older. And feel very lucky to have a family to spend Christmas with. But... it's stressful, it's expensive and DS gets so hyped up over the course of the season that his behaviour really suffers. I work full time and the prep for it all is endless and exhausting.

I secretly miss the Christmases I spent pre DC as a young adult, going to my parents house and being looked after, enjoying drinks with my friends and spending Christmas Day doing little more than eating, drinking and relaxing. Now they were enjoyable....