Page 6 | Newborn and smoking grand parents

iverreacted · 2023-11-30T17:29:19+00:00

My mum (baby's grand parent) is a smoker. I'm in the position where I have to live with my parents for a month with a new born. My mum smokes. She doesn't smoke inside and instead goes to the shed. Obviously it's nearly minus degrees now and she has a separate coat she wears. However on the journey home she had a cigarette and wore the same coat and got in the car in the back next to him (we live 3 hours from the hospital). I wasn't allowed to sit in the back with my child. AIBU in the risks of passive smoking?

graceinspace999 · 02/12/2023 09:11

TurqoiseJasper · 02/12/2023 02:10

What's the matter with you?? For what it's worth, and that's nothing, I'm not a smoker and never have smoked, it's disgusting. But so is your attitude. Definitely something wrong with your reasoning abilities.

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I agree with her and I’m not a smoker. This is a public forum and you asked for opinions.

Oh wait!!!

Maybe you meant total agreement with your own opinion.

Life is not going to be pleasant if you refuse to learn gratitude and continue to bite the hand that houses you. 🤷‍♀️

paulhollywoodshairgel · 02/12/2023 09:39

My mother is a smoker. When I had my LG the midwife told me any smokers should only handle the baby after a complete change of clothes and hand wash as the smoke lingers in fibres and is dangerous. She smoked while she was pregnant with me and all over me as a baby and child and I have many lingering problems. My kids are teens now and they have never even set foot in her house. Stand your ground and protect your baby. If you can, move out but if you can't then politely ask that she keeps smoke and smoky clothes away from the baby. When all is said and done you're protecting a tiny human.

PaperDoIIs · 02/12/2023 11:22

I'm not sure living with her will help with your possible mental health problems. It sounds like it will just breed anger and resentment, plus the worry and anxiety about your baby's health.

I don't know if your mum is as bad as you imply, but she's definitely not who you need her to be. She won't change and your needs won't change. You need to accept that, and decide long and short term whether it's something you can live with(really short term for the next month)or try and make it on your own.

Original poster

iverreacted · 02/12/2023 19:39

TurqoiseJasper · 02/12/2023 02:16

And I suggest you speak to your Health Visitor about your mental health. I mean that kindly, sounds like you're going through a stressful time.

You don't mean that kindly.

Health Visitor isn't going to go against the advice and suggest it's ok that I'm comfortable with my mum being a smoker and the risk it poses..... mum isn't following what I've requested

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Original poster

iverreacted · 02/12/2023 19:39

PaperDoIIs · 02/12/2023 11:22

I'm not sure living with her will help with your possible mental health problems. It sounds like it will just breed anger and resentment, plus the worry and anxiety about your baby's health.

I don't know if your mum is as bad as you imply, but she's definitely not who you need her to be. She won't change and your needs won't change. You need to accept that, and decide long and short term whether it's something you can live with(really short term for the next month)or try and make it on your own.

Thankfully I know myself and the sitiation best

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Original poster

iverreacted · 02/12/2023 19:39

paulhollywoodshairgel · 02/12/2023 09:39

My mother is a smoker. When I had my LG the midwife told me any smokers should only handle the baby after a complete change of clothes and hand wash as the smoke lingers in fibres and is dangerous. She smoked while she was pregnant with me and all over me as a baby and child and I have many lingering problems. My kids are teens now and they have never even set foot in her house. Stand your ground and protect your baby. If you can, move out but if you can't then politely ask that she keeps smoke and smoky clothes away from the baby. When all is said and done you're protecting a tiny human.

Thanks.

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TurqoiseJasper · 02/12/2023 21:08

iverreacted · 02/12/2023 19:39

You don't mean that kindly.

Health Visitor isn't going to go against the advice and suggest it's ok that I'm comfortable with my mum being a smoker and the risk it poses..... mum isn't following what I've requested

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Actually I did mean it kindly.
And not about the smoking.
You have a very aggressive tone, which maybe is stress related, or maybe you are just like that.

bakewellbride · 02/12/2023 21:16

@TurquoiseJasper I read it as kindly, I knew how you meant it.

Mikimoto · 02/12/2023 21:17

You're certainly at risk of second-hand vomiting: I can smell your mother from here.
Can't she stop for 4 weeks for the sake of her grandchild? If not, she's an addict and needs treatment.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 02/12/2023 21:20

TurqoiseJasper · 02/12/2023 21:08

Actually I did mean it kindly.
And not about the smoking.
You have a very aggressive tone, which maybe is stress related, or maybe you are just like that.

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If the aggressive tone carries to her mother in the way it does on here, I'm not surprised she isn't bending over backwards to meet the commands expected of her in her own home.

PaperDoIIs · 02/12/2023 22:29

Mikimoto · 02/12/2023 21:17

You're certainly at risk of second-hand vomiting: I can smell your mother from here.
Can't she stop for 4 weeks for the sake of her grandchild? If not, she's an addict and needs treatment.

All smokers are addicts.

TurqoiseJasper · 03/12/2023 10:26

bakewellbride · 02/12/2023 21:16

@TurquoiseJasper I read it as kindly, I knew how you meant it.

Thank you, as a general rule I don't think most women are unkind to other women when they're down. I don't!

LuvSmallDogs · 03/12/2023 11:23

So your mum only smokes outside and usually wears a smoking coat that gets removed before she's close to baby. ONE TIME she didn't remove the coat.

Not worth this ridiculous panic, and doesn't erase the help she's giving you by putting you and your baby up while you get on your feet.

Original poster

iverreacted · 03/12/2023 12:55

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat you have a thin skin

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Original poster

iverreacted · 03/12/2023 12:55

LuvSmallDogs · 03/12/2023 11:23

So your mum only smokes outside and usually wears a smoking coat that gets removed before she's close to baby. ONE TIME she didn't remove the coat.

Not worth this ridiculous panic, and doesn't erase the help she's giving you by putting you and your baby up while you get on your feet.

One time? No actually it's happening all the time. She won't communicate what she doesn't and I've witnessed what she does and smelt the smoke now.

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Babyboomtastic · 03/12/2023 13:33

I have never even tried a cigarette. I hate the stuff. I still think you are hugely overreacting.

Every time you sit on a bus, go to a playgroup, the cinema, the doctors, sit on a park bench, you risk sitting next to a smoker.

There are parents who still smoke inside with babies. I'll never get how they can justify that. More still parents who pop outside but then come in and cuddle baby.

If the very occasional exposure to third hand smoke was dangerous then we'd know by now because it's something 100% of the population have to deal with at times.

I think your anxiety here is catastrophising because you've just had a baby and you are struggling with your MH. Frequent, prolonged exposure over months or years, sure, let's avoid that as its a risk. This was a single exposure, and for all you know baby could have been exposed already through a myriad of other people.

If it worries you that much, hire an Airbnb.

Original poster

iverreacted · 04/12/2023 01:31

Babyboomtastic · 03/12/2023 13:33

I have never even tried a cigarette. I hate the stuff. I still think you are hugely overreacting.

Every time you sit on a bus, go to a playgroup, the cinema, the doctors, sit on a park bench, you risk sitting next to a smoker.

There are parents who still smoke inside with babies. I'll never get how they can justify that. More still parents who pop outside but then come in and cuddle baby.

If the very occasional exposure to third hand smoke was dangerous then we'd know by now because it's something 100% of the population have to deal with at times.

I think your anxiety here is catastrophising because you've just had a baby and you are struggling with your MH. Frequent, prolonged exposure over months or years, sure, let's avoid that as its a risk. This was a single exposure, and for all you know baby could have been exposed already through a myriad of other people.

If it worries you that much, hire an Airbnb.

Serious question.... do you know the advice and know better than the advice given?

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Babyboomtastic · 04/12/2023 08:10

iverreacted · 04/12/2023 01:31

Serious question.... do you know the advice and know better than the advice given?

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Why are you even here? Your are saying if YABU, and then bring unpleasant and argumentative with the majority of people who say you are.

Funnily enough there isn't advice on dealing with an unexpected one off situation, only guidance on what is good practice generally as regards regular exposure.

A HV is most interested in trying to stop people smoking whilst holding babies, or being in the same room as them. They are interested in getting people to change clothes/wash hands when its their own baby because the baby will be cuddled against them for hours a day
Also, in trying to make it difficult for smokers so they give up for their own health.

They really don't care about someone wearing a coat in a car as a one off. They'd say it isn't ideal, but the level of worry you have about this has lost all proportionality.

If your HV knew you were getting so upset and obsessed with this that you were arguing with strangers on the internet, all over a single journey, I strongly suspect they'd be more concerned about your mental health than one exposure to third hand smoke.

Was it ideal behaviour from your mum - no, but she clearly has a coat she usually uses, and she's given you a home in your time if need, so seriously, get a grip. Or move out. Your choice.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 04/12/2023 08:13

As a rare occasional thing I don't think it's going to make a difference changing coat or not. If you're not living there permanently then it won't be an issue soon.

TurqoiseJasper · 06/12/2023 20:55

iverreacted · 02/12/2023 19:39

You don't mean that kindly.

Health Visitor isn't going to go against the advice and suggest it's ok that I'm comfortable with my mum being a smoker and the risk it poses..... mum isn't following what I've requested

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Been thinking that mum isn't under any obligation to follow what you've requested. It's her home, not yours.
Slow down with your petty comments to other posters.

jackstini · 02/01/2024 12:18

I feel for you OP, as this is obviously something which is just increasing the stress you are already under

This is not new advice either! DD is 17 and was same then. We told mine and DH's Mums that they would not be able to hold baby for an hour after smoking and they would have to change, wash hands and face and brush teeth

Incredibly - the want to hold baby was strong enough and they both ended up quitting - but I realise we were very lucky

Accept it is your Mum's house and she is going outside; BUT - it is your baby, and if you want to put the safe rules around her not holding baby after smoking until changing/washing, then that is up to you

However, you are being a bit abrupt with some posters. You are always going to get a lot of views on here so don't bite at everything - it' won't help!

Really hope you get back in your own place asap