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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn and smoking grand parents

146 replies

iverreacted · 30/11/2023 17:29

My mum (baby's grand parent) is a smoker. I'm in the position where I have to live with my parents for a month with a new born. My mum smokes.

She doesn't smoke inside and instead goes to the shed. Obviously it's nearly minus degrees now and she has a separate coat she wears. However on the journey home she had a cigarette and wore the same coat and got in the car in the back next to him (we live 3 hours from the hospital). I wasn't allowed to sit in the back with my child.

AIBU in the risks of passive smoking?

OP posts:
Original poster
iverreacted · 30/11/2023 18:38

roarrfeckingroar · 30/11/2023 18:31

I hate smoking and seriously judge people who smoke around small children. It shows her skewed priorities.

She does it outside.

She used to smoke inside when we were children... but didn't everyone. She didn't smoke when she was pregnant.

And for all those who are questioning why I'm here - I'm at risk of perinatal mental health. I also am waiting for the ex to move out. He will be gone in fifteen days so I think I'll go back then.

Why didn't I know about the risks of second pregnancy smoke - I don't smoke. It was only after the talk in the hospital did I get concentrated. You aren't supposed to share a room with a child if you smoke.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 30/11/2023 18:39

‘Lots of us grew up with parents who smoked and it didn’t do us any harm’ - I mean it literally did. Maybe not to you personally but to some people and that’s why even third hand smoke is considered a risk now and medical advice is not to expose children to it.

OP, I’d be looking to move out asap. And then I wouldn’t be letting anyone who I could smell smoke on hold my child - if you can smell it, it can be damaging. She needs to change all her clothes and wash her hands before holding baby.

Original poster
iverreacted · 30/11/2023 18:39

Sleep*

OP posts:
peachgreen · 30/11/2023 18:42

Well it’s not great, but I’m not sure what the solution is. She’s not going to quit, so you either have to deal with it or move out. You can certainly ask her to wash her hands before she holds the baby and not kiss them etc but that’s about it really.

Original poster
iverreacted · 30/11/2023 18:42

modgepodge · 30/11/2023 18:39

‘Lots of us grew up with parents who smoked and it didn’t do us any harm’ - I mean it literally did. Maybe not to you personally but to some people and that’s why even third hand smoke is considered a risk now and medical advice is not to expose children to it.

OP, I’d be looking to move out asap. And then I wouldn’t be letting anyone who I could smell smoke on hold my child - if you can smell it, it can be damaging. She needs to change all her clothes and wash her hands before holding baby.

It will be on her face, breath, hair, false teeth etc.

I know the irony is as a car user I've also contributed to bad health

OP posts:
Comedycook · 30/11/2023 18:55

Sounds like you'll be back in your own place soon. Don't let the anxiety overwhelm you op. Mitigate as much as you can and try to keep the situation in perspective.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/11/2023 19:22

It’s one of those things where you can have whatever boundaries you would like for your baby, but you’re living in someone else’s house, and you can’t tell her what to do in her own home. If you’re not happy with that though then move out into your own space and then you can control all of these things.

I also wouldn’t like someone to smoke and then hold my baby, and so anyone who comes to my house having just had a cigarette would not be allowed to hold my baby. But if I was living at my mums house then much as I have my own opinions I would never dream of telling her what to do in her own place.

HappySammy · 30/11/2023 19:30

Why did the midwife advise you to live with your parents? The average new mother doesn't. Something isn't adding up here.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 30/11/2023 19:32

If you're asking if YABU about the risks, you seem absolutely convinced that you are not already. Not sure what you want from this thread?

HappySammy · 30/11/2023 19:32

Sorry I missed your update where you mentioned mental health. Is your health anxiety about the baby part of that? If you're not destitute couldn't you just go rent somewhere until you can get back home?

Comedycook · 30/11/2023 19:35

HappySammy · 30/11/2023 19:30

Why did the midwife advise you to live with your parents? The average new mother doesn't. Something isn't adding up here.

The op explained it was for mental health reasons and she appears to have separated from her partner so I presume she is living with her parents for support

RoseRows · 30/11/2023 19:48

Can you afford an air bnb or short term rental for a couple of weeks until you’re back in your home? I wouldn’t be happy about this either but it’s difficult to ask someone to modify their behaviour in their own home.

Ponderingwindow · 30/11/2023 20:34

You are recovering from surgery, dealing with a break-up, and dealing with the first few weeks of caring for a newborn.

I said above I didn’t know what circumstances led you to this place. Guess what? I’d probably be doing exactly what you are doing and I have an asthmatic child that I protect from smoke like a fierce mama bear.

this is a priority of needs situation.
in a perfect world, your baby would not be exposed to third-hand smoke.
we don’t live in a perfect world.

focus on everything positive that is working and let this one go for a few weeks.

fishfingersandtoes · 30/11/2023 20:36

I think you're getting yourself into a state about this unnecessarily. The level of risk is not yet quantified but it's likely to be tiny. Even less because you're looking at one isolated incident. The NHS will emphasize the risk in order to get parents and others to give up smoking which will be better for their own health and is a clear long term policy objective. Your baby will be exposed to so many risks over its lifetime, you can't stress this much about them or you'll make yourself ill.

Flamingogirl08 · 30/11/2023 20:39

It sounds like she is trying her best and is not smoking around baby etc. At the end of the day though it's her house and you've chosen to live there so if you're unhappy with it then you're the unreasonable one for choosing to live there.

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2023 21:57

Your m7m refused to allow you to sit with your baby? Why did you comply?

bakewellbride · 30/11/2023 22:04

I'm so shocked by this thread! It's not ok imo and you're right to be worried. Smoking causes harm and damage to little children and you are right to be concerned. I started my life in a house of smokers and was hospitalised as a child many times so 'it's fine, relax' my arse!

GrannypantsMagee · 30/11/2023 22:07

Maybe don't focus on this too much. There's other big things at play, such as needing to live with your mum for a while at this delicate time, which are probably more significant than her wearing a smoky coat. It's not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things, it's better you and your baby have somewhere to stay and any harm is likely to be minimal.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 30/11/2023 22:07

Definitely risks. I was told in my class that anyone who's smokes should be showering, brushing teeth and new clothes before holding the baby. It can create breathing issues for the baby due to restricting oxygen and is a genuine SIDs risk.

OooohAhhhh · 30/11/2023 22:35

Can't believe this thread & how some people have reacted.
Of course your mother should not be smoking whilst you are there with the baby, her house or not.

SaturdayGiraffe · 30/11/2023 22:41

I’m confused why this question seems to be annoying people - are you all smokers feeling defensive?
Thought it was a well known by now that babies have small lungs so they breath more often, and breathing third hand smoke / toxins has been proven detrimental to them by multiple studies.
It’s a legitimate concern OP, easily googleable. Why on earth being concerned for the welfare of your child triggers some people is odd.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 30/11/2023 23:40

SaturdayGiraffe · 30/11/2023 22:41

I’m confused why this question seems to be annoying people - are you all smokers feeling defensive?
Thought it was a well known by now that babies have small lungs so they breath more often, and breathing third hand smoke / toxins has been proven detrimental to them by multiple studies.
It’s a legitimate concern OP, easily googleable. Why on earth being concerned for the welfare of your child triggers some people is odd.

Well said. It's not just discomfort, it can lead to issues like asthma and in the worst case, death

Original poster
iverreacted · 01/12/2023 00:17

SaturdayGiraffe · 30/11/2023 22:41

I’m confused why this question seems to be annoying people - are you all smokers feeling defensive?
Thought it was a well known by now that babies have small lungs so they breath more often, and breathing third hand smoke / toxins has been proven detrimental to them by multiple studies.
It’s a legitimate concern OP, easily googleable. Why on earth being concerned for the welfare of your child triggers some people is odd.

100%!

OP posts:
Original poster
iverreacted · 01/12/2023 00:18

OooohAhhhh · 30/11/2023 22:35

Can't believe this thread & how some people have reacted.
Of course your mother should not be smoking whilst you are there with the baby, her house or not.

She's got an addiction. I don't mind that she smokes, she can mitigate risks though.

OP posts:
Original poster
iverreacted · 01/12/2023 00:18

GrannypantsMagee · 30/11/2023 22:07

Maybe don't focus on this too much. There's other big things at play, such as needing to live with your mum for a while at this delicate time, which are probably more significant than her wearing a smoky coat. It's not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things, it's better you and your baby have somewhere to stay and any harm is likely to be minimal.

And if baby dies?

OP posts: